Hi everyone,

I am 22 years old, have been married for 3 1/2 years and we have a 2 1/2 year old son together. Our problems started shortly after our son was born. Things between us started to fall apart and we couldn't get along about anything. After about a year, things started getting better and then got bad again. He started treating me like a child and is very insecure. I wanted to go to marriage counseling and he refused, so I loaded up my son and left for the night. When I came home the next day, he was good as gold. That lasted for about a week and then it was back to the same old routine. I have come to a realization lately that if I really want to be happy, I need to get away from him. I told him that I didn't think I could live the rest of my life the way things are and he started crying and begging me not to leave. I know that I am not in love with him anymore but I don't want to hurt him. I am afraid he will hurt himself if I leave with our son and I don't want that to happen. If we weren't in a marriage together, I would think he is a nice guy. He is just not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Any advice would be very helpful. I am so confused and upset right now that I am not sure how to handle the situation. Thanks in advance.

You married very young, and it's hard at such an early age to know what kind of person you will develop into, or what you need in a spouse because you just don't have that much adult life experience. Don't beat yourself up. Don't let him threaten (I will hurt or kill myself if you leave) or manipulate (crying, pleading, apologies) you into an unhappy life. It's not good for your son.

My spouse left me and our young son after 10 years, and I wanted to stay married. With time I've realized he did me a favor - I had made far too many compromises - not in things I should compromise in but in my values, priorities, faith and more. If you go now, your son will come to know life post-divorce as his primary memories from childhood and can grow up with a happy mother. My son is fine. We worked through it. It requires both parties to be mature, and if they aren't, at least the custodial parent needs to be mature (that's you if your son will live primarily with you) even in the face of the other person being obnoxious, manipulative, meanspirited or whatever.

In most states, divorce is now no-fault. That means that even if he doesn't want it, you can file and get it. You can get child-support and probably some spousal maintenance if he earns more than you. If it's the other way around, you may have to pay him.

Go to a lawyer. They won't charge you for a first consultation and will give you the basics in terms of what is required of you so you know what to prepare for. If you can't afford a lawyer, there are many legal services for low-income people that are inexpensive or free. Ask around.

It might be best to leave and tell him after you are packed and out only because you make him sound kind of volatile. If you are worried about his wellfare, perhaps talk to one of his family members or friends - someone who is mature and will work with you for the right reasons - and say, "I'm leaving Joe and am not asking you to get involved, but I'm worried about him. Will you please see that he's ok?"

It's really all you can do. Then, try to take the high road - be fair, be reasonable and don't get insulting or let him guilt you into things that are not best for you and your child.

Check into Parents without Partners. It's a group of people who are widowed, divorced or started as single parents. You will probably find a lot of support and good advise, resources and information there.

I agree with lacuran8626... you were married very young. I think anyone who gets married before their mid twenties or later is going to fight an uphill battle from the word go. People change so much between 20 and 25. There is a huge adjustment in there. For most, it is the first time when we are on our own, unable to rely on parents or family. It is a new experience, and like the first time we do anything, we are clueless. We do what we think is best and learn later we were wrong. Then we are armed with more info for the next time around. But there is just a phenomenal amount of growth and personal development that takes place in the early twenties.
Also, his manipulation of your emotions suggests he isn't in love with you either. I interpret it as him playing the guilt card on you to keep you with him because he is the kind of person who doesn't like to be alone, even if the relationship isn't a happy or healthy one. If he refuses to attend counseling with you, I think you have to do what is best for yourself and your son and move on without him.

Move on with your life,I was married at a young age too. When I got a divorce it was hard on me but life goes on and I don't think I'll hurt himself or kill himself because he has a son that he loves and if he saids he's going he not he just saying that because if someone going to kill themselves they don't tell anyone. If you do them him do not take his son away from him and the courts will set days and time but you don't have to by that my exwife let me take my son anytime and you guys will get along better if you did that. One more thing it's so nice when the fighting is over. Good luck to you both and I hope thing work out for the for you.
Travis