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    ifumylife's Avatar
    ifumylife Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Oct 21, 2013, 04:46 AM
    Totally lost... need some advice
    I'm 40, my wife is 40, and we have two kids 15 & 11. Our marriage hasn't been well for years (I'm extremely lazy and my wife can't stand it -- she's abusive as a result). I run from confrontation of any kind. She's a decent mother and I'm very grateful for everything she does for the family. We have tried to reconcile but it's going on auto-pilot now. I can live with her, but can't love her like I used to. I have no feelings physical-wise for her either. She has an extremely short temper and yells and screams and raises her hands at the smallest of things. She breaks down and even asks for a divorce (though she doesn't mean it).

    But... in all this, I fell in love with a divorced woman a few years back and have promised to divorce my wife and marry her. She's a wonderful woman who, knowing I was married, said she could come close only if I were divorced. She even pushed me to reconcile with my wife and be with her. But we did fall in love with each other. And then it gets worse. I didn't have the courage to break up with my wife (I fear the tears, her rage, and everything) and waited for "the right time" which never comes. Since I didn't want to lose my lover I started lying to her (my lover) that I was separated. This has gone on for 3 years now.

    To be fair(er) to my love, so she doesn't wait endlessly for a wimp like me, I set a deadline this year, by which time I would file for divorce. I'm at the deadline now and have thought really hard about the "right thing to do". I know that I've racked up too many sins here already, and my character is really truly shot and questionable. I never thought I would end up in such a situation, but this is entirely my doing and my responsibility.

    I am leaning towards getting the divorce, but very scared of how to bring it up with my wife. I know that if let my love go, she will eventually get over me and marry someone else (that thought kills me). And I won't ever be able to make my wife really happy -- that much I'm sure of. If I leave my wife, it will be very painful overall obviously. I'll take care of her financially of course, but that won't matter for her. I do care for her, but love someone else.

    And of course I plan to confess my lying to my love as well... from now on, only the truth. I'm sick to my bones of my lies and cheating and stress. I've broken everyone's trust, but really want to do the right thing now. Just not sure what that is any more...

    I love my kids and feel that if I continue to be in their lives they may be OK... but I really don't want to break my commitment to my love. Yes, you will say I broke my commitment to my wife, but if I now dumped my love, then that would be two people I break my promise to...
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #2

    Oct 21, 2013, 07:00 AM
    There is so much wrong here that it would be easy for anyone to judge you. Because of your honesty I hope that doesn't happen.

    You are not in a good place right now and not good for anyone at the moment. Wouldn't it be useful to take a step back, put the relationships on hold, and get your own life in order first?

    There are three separate relationships with the kids being most important. They can feel, sense, and see the lack of love between your wife and you. You two need to either fix what is broken or end it for their sake. It takes two people to build the relationship that you have with your wife now. So you both need to work out a decent split where both of you behave well for the kids.

    As far as the fling, that is up to you. My advice is to let her go so that you can get your own life in order. But that is your decision to make.

    One last thing - lazy is not attractive to anyone. So if you choose to be lazy, you choose to not be attractive.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Oct 21, 2013, 12:46 PM
    Be honest with them both and see what happens.
    ifumylife's Avatar
    ifumylife Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Oct 21, 2013, 11:48 PM
    Thanks. I need to fix this now. I don't feel I can or should delay this any longer. The more I think about this, the more I think that the whole reason I'm with my wife is because I don't know how to tell her and am afraid of the reactions. Intimacy is next to impossible in such a situation, which makes her feel worse, and angrier.

    I never thought of the other as a fling though. I always thought of her as a soul mate and friend and confidante and long-term companion... my lack of intestinal fortitude (and self control to begin with!) has brought me this.

    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver2011 View Post
    There is so much wrong here that it would be easy for anyone to judge you. Because of your honesty I hope that doesn't happen.

    You are not in a good place right now and not good for anyone at the moment. Wouldn't it be useful to take a step back, put the relationships on hold, and get your own life in order first?

    There are three separate relationships with the kids being most important. They can feel, sense, and see the lack of love between your wife and you. You two need to either fix what is broken or end it for their sake. It takes two people to build the relationship that you have with your wife now. So you both need to work out a decent split where both of you behave well for the kids.

    As far as the fling, that is up to you. My advice is to let her go so that you can get your own life in order. But that is your decision to make.

    One last thing - lazy is not attractive to anyone. So if you choose to be lazy, you choose to not be attractive.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #5

    Oct 22, 2013, 07:05 AM
    The most important thing, should be your children, particularly at the ages they are right now. What is the right thing to do for their security.

    Following that, I'd advise you to step up, and tell your lover the truth. That you have not, and cannot yet, divorce your wife. I doubt very much that she thinks you have separated, if you are returning to your home and family every day. By now, she has not seen a commitment from you, other than what she has, which isn't anything substantial to base her own future on.

    Take responsibility for stringing your girlfriend along, and not allowing her the choice to stay in the relationship with you, or to get out. The lying alone will probably cost you the loss of this woman.

    Take responsibility for lying and cheating on your wife. Your marriage will NEVER get better as long as you have someone on the side. Tell your wife exactly what the situation is with you, and your lover. The lying and cheating alone will probably cost you your marriage.

    And what will you be left with. You will have set a horrible example to your children about everything from fidelity to lying to deception, let alone your distance between you and your wife because of it. They will be resentful, and rightly so. Especially teenagers.

    I don't think this can be fixed to be honest with you. The result may very likely be the loss of both women, and your children. Saying that you could have done this or that, now, is really a moot point. Such a lot of damage has occurred in three years.

    Money doesn't make anything better. Supporting your wife and children is your lawful duty, and doesn't make you a better person because you step up and pay. Seeing your kids every other weekend will not spare them the emotional turmoil of what they will go through.

    But, the bottom line is, both women need a fair playing field. You cannot sit and juggle both women, without them knowing the truth. They have lives to live, and it isn't up to you to provide deception and dishonesty to the mix. They both need to decide what they want to do, as a result of this mess you have created.

    If you decide to be honest and then, after the dust has settled, I hope you will come back and let us know how things went. If your wife decides to stay married to you, there are many ways to improve a marriage that can be recommended.

    Good luck
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Oct 22, 2013, 08:13 AM
    It really doesn't matter the excuse one uses for lying and cheating, or the distractions that it creates for dealing with the reality of you marriage and home life. Don't you find it ironic how easy it is to lie and cheat than to be honest and resolve issues?

    You have been taking the easy way out for a long time, and now the work begins, and consequences come due. It's never easy to do the right thing, and delaying it longer makes it worse not better.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #7

    Oct 22, 2013, 08:44 AM
    Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

    "You have been taking the easy way out for a long time, and now the work begins, and consequences come due. It's never easy to do the right thing, and delaying it longer makes it worse not better. "

    Truer words haven't been typed.
    ifumylife's Avatar
    ifumylife Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #8

    Oct 23, 2013, 05:16 AM
    Thank you Jake2008, talaniman, and Oliver2011. I expected this to be said to me, and I thank you also for being gentle.

    I do expect that I might lose it all. The angst in my mind is what I want longer term, if given a choice. Well, my heart overwhelmingly says move in with my love. But my mind keeps getting in the way.

    I don't want to be a serial promise-breaker. As of now, my crime with my love is the lie I have said. I mean, other than the whole bad-choice-ness of it all. She knows I haven't yet got a divorce, and that I'm working on it, and that I'm keen to be with her (all of which is true). I have hardly met her or seen her the last two years, not touched her once, and I have never "used" her in any way. And I've given my friendship and support to her whenever she needed it. Only thing I've "demanded" in return is that she wait a bit for me. When that waiting got too long, I set a deadline this year to be fair to her. I'd love to make her happy and not think she's wasted years of her life.

    And I'm thinking, if I have such strong feelings for her, how can I bring myself to beg my wife to let me stay (if it turns out that way)? Doesn't add up for me.

    Either I fess up with my wife and then with my love and hope and pray she forgives me. Or if I decide to continue my marriage I just fess up with my love, ask her forgiveness and ask her to move on, and not say anything to my wife to spare her the horrors. My heart says the former, but the latter is far easier. And for someone who runs from confrontation, this is not a great choice to make. Oh, for some courage!


    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    It really doesn't matter the excuse one uses for lying and cheating, or the distractions that it creates for dealing with the reality of you marriage and home life. Don't you find it ironic how easy it is to lie and cheat than to be honest and resolve issues?

    You have been taking the easy way out for a long time, and now the work begins, and consequences come due. It's never easy to do the right thing, and delaying it longer makes it worse not better.

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