[Solued2]

Our relationship seems to be floundering. We have frequent fights mostly because of trust issues on both our parts. We don't seem to communicate as well with each other like we did before. We sleep on opposite sides of the bed most of the night. The sex went from 100 to 0 overnight. I wonder sometimes if he wants me to be a porn actor in bed 100% of the time. Is he no longer interested in me because I'm not ALWAYS a freak in the bed? He claims he loves me but the expression in his eyes is different these days. He is distant but when another man seems interested in me he becomes possessive. I'm sick of all the drama. Don't get me wrong, I have my own issues; I've said a lot of mean things to him when I'm angry. Sometimes my anger is justified and other times it is a manifestation of my insecurities. I've come to realize that my insecrities are also his insecurities. We both feel we are not good enough for each other. I'm tired of analyzing. Any words of wisdom?

[bigbird213]

You said it yourself - you aren't communicating. Communication is key to any relationship. If you think this is beyond communication then perhaps it is time for you to go your separate ways, but there is always room for communication.

Have you brought these issues to him? Have you tried talking to him about your concerns and how you are feeling about the relationship? Perhaps a good talk is all that you guys need, perhaps more, but you won't know if you don't try...

[akez]

Communicate even if it results in an argument. Don't go to bed angry at each other and call a truce before bedtime. Most things look better in the morning, Do something everyday that shows your love for your spouse even if you don't feel love. Love has a funny way of creeping back into the picture. Sometime love grows stronger after you've survived difficult times... Just my 2 cents. Good Luck!

[liz28]

First, saying things when your angry is never good. When this happens you will only say things your regret later and only say things to hurt each other feeling. Both of you'll see who can hurt each other feelings the most.

Besides the bedroom issue what else is happening? Have he told you that you wasn't freaked enough or this is you saying that?

You stated you both agreed that your aren't good for each other. When there's no trust nor communication the foundation becomes weak.

[BlakeCory]

Our relationship seems to be floundering. We have frequent fights mostly because of trust issues on both our parts. We don't seem to communicate as well with each other like we did before... I've said a lot of mean things to him when I'm angry. Sometimes my anger is justified and other times it is a manifestation of my insecurities. I've come to realize that my insecurities are also his insecurities. We both feel we are not good enough for each other.

The best relationships and marriages in the world are NOT problem free. In fact the best relationships find ways to overcome problems and find solutions.

#1 Frequent Fighting
#2 Trust Issues
#3 Sex
#4 Being Distant
#5 Anger
#6 Insecurities

These six problems are all woven together. If you were able to remove one it would make it much easier to overcome the rest. You are already half way there by asking for help. Number 5 is your number 1. Anger clouds judgment and helps people say and do things that they regret. Anger is a part of the frequent fighting, your trust issues, bad sex, feeling distant, and much insecurity.

One of the best ways to get over your anger is to forgive your husband. This means you don't want bad things for your husband. This doesn't mean he was right or that you were wrong. It means that you're willing to forget it and fall in love again.

When you find yourself getting angry again pull out of the situation. Communicate your feelings and say “I'm getting upset I need time to cool down.”

Once anger becomes manageable you can start fixing frequent fighting. Do you have a hard time remembering what most of your fights were about? Do you remember how they started? Most of these types of fights come from a past problem that has been overlooked, ignored, and/or basically left free to destroy your life. Until this core problem is resolved frequent fighting will continue to plague your marriage.

Core problems are hard to resolve, if they were easy they would have been fixed a long time ago. It could be that you don't feel loved when he pulls away or that you don't feel respected in bed. Whatever is bothering you work on communicating it in a nonthreatening way. Don't bottle your feelings and then let them out in fights. Communication is the single most important element of any marriage.

There is nothing wrong with having bad feelings. The problems come from what we do with our feelings. Take turns talking while focusing on being honest without the fighting or yelling.

If things have been bad between you and your husband for over a month you will need to break the cycle. To put it another way, after fighting for weeks you will need to find ways to lower the walls you've both been busy building up day after day. These walls work great in fights and arguments. They keep all those mean words from hurting us deep down, or so we tell ourselves. The most quick but hardest way to take down an emotional wall is genuine love.

Expressed verbally or physically love will melt away resentment, bitterness, and even hate. Try a hug if you don't know what to say and let it linger long enough to get the message across.