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    coulschum's Avatar
    coulschum Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 8, 2015, 03:46 PM
    Separated : In love with my ex and coping with it
    I separated from my wife 2 months back, more accurately she left me because she said she was not happy in the relationship and did not want to be with me anymore. She has done this once before a year back but that time she was not sure what she wanted from her life and our marriage and she left me but came back after 2 months. This time she is gone for real though I do sometimes harbor hope of being together again. Deep inside I know they are just fantasies. Its been the hardest two months of my life which should be no surprise, I have mourned, cried, cursed hundred times before I felt better for a while and again oscillated between despair, anger, hope, grief, sadness and resignation and hope again over and over again.

    To make matters worse, I recently moved to this country (about a year back) and travel quite a lot due to work so I hardly have friends who live in my city, so that makes it harder and very difficult to deal with this all alone. So I started talking to a psychologist and that has helped me remain sane and try and move on in my life. I even tried meeting new people and had brief relationship but I feel totally emotionally disconnected and I cannot really love another woman at least for now. In the initial period after separating I did not stay in touch with my ex, because the emotions were raw and it hurt so much to stay in touch. My issue is that I still love her and want her to be back, deep inside I know that the marriage is over and its probably the best for both of us. Also myself respect would never let me beg her to come back.

    We agreed to stay as friends though I had no clue what that means, so just when I thought I was making good recovery I started to be in touch with my ex and being warm and friendly. I readily agreed and supported her filing for mutual divorce and but did not realize that the event which I considered inevitable touched a raw nerve and I am broken man again. I know I have it in me to get up and survive but somehow this breaking down keeps happening too often and I wonder how often I have to deal with this. Don't get me wrong, I cry every single day because happy memories keep coming and I miss being with the person I still love but normally after a good cry, I feel better and I am filled with hope but breakdowns are different, it is deep sense of hurt an feeling of hopelessness and sense of lack of purpose with my life.

    I have thought about suicide but never seriously considered it because that would cause more grief to people I leave behind. I should probably not be in touch with my ex, (we both now live in different countries) so do not see each other in person but I should probably avoid all forms of contact with her but its hard to do that. I constantly find myself stalking her on social network, I still want to know what's happening in her life. I think this is unhealthy but I just can't help myself on this. I look forward to exchanging emails and chatting up with her on even the most mundane stuff, we have spoken to each other couple of times since we separated.

    Now as we talk about financial settlement things will get nasty so I am torn between my mind and my heart, my self preservation instincts and my love for her. Should I give in to her demand? I no longer know what is the right thing to do. Like any other marriage, no third person truly knows the marriage and can give the right advice. I don't know if I will find the answers but just writing down my thoughts in this page made me feel better so who cares? I will just post it!!
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #2

    Apr 8, 2015, 06:00 PM
    Please tell me you know the emotions you are experiencing are normal for anyone who is going through a breakup. We have all been there and done that. So don't feel guilty or ashamed of what you are feeling. It's part of the process and one day soon you will wake up and be tired of feeling down and move on. Keeping in contact is not helping. When you feel you're ready (TODAY!) Delete her social media contacts. You can't move forward if you are hanging on.

    About the divorce - plain and simple it should be fair. She can ask for everything but that doesn't mean she's entitled to it. So you need to consistently think with your brain on that subject.

    And I'm going to call BS on the no friends thing. Your travels makes it more difficult but certainly not impossible. One thing that would help you is fill your time with activities that you like. Get exercise. Anything to keep your mind active. Then each day gets better and better.

    Good luck sir!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,879, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Apr 8, 2015, 07:18 PM
    If crying makes you feel better then cry, if posting here makes you feel better then post. You need support, we will support you. You are freshly wounded and healing takes a lot of time. You have made more progress than you realize as you move to full acceptance. That will come when you have finally settled all the loose details of this failed marriage, and can finally stop looking back, and completely disappear and close this chapter of your life. Takes time is all.

    How old are you both? How long were you married? Does she work? Kids? How long did you date before marriage? Do you both have family? Siblings?

    Yeah, I am nosy.
    coulschum's Avatar
    coulschum Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Apr 9, 2015, 12:41 AM
    Thanks for your reply, it is re-assuring,
    To your questions: I am in my late thirties , and she is in her early thirties, we were married for 8 years and dated each other for 2 years before that, she does not work but I guess she is looking out for job, we have a supportive family and siblings. Thankfully no kids.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,272, Reputation: 7690
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    #5

    Apr 9, 2015, 02:55 AM
    I will say that in money and settlement, be nice, perhaps not give it all away, but you will sleep better 10 years from now, if you feel you have been a little beyond fair. Friends are great, in about 3 or 4 years after you are over her, at this point let your lawyer do all the contact, (really, if there are no kids) and stop all contact, don't look at her Facebook, don't email her, don't chat on phone nothing.

    If you are lonely, help at a homeless shelter or read to people at a nursing home, and keep busy and help others.

    It is only two month, don't worry about dating, get over her and get used and get happy being alone, before you start getting with someone else
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,879, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Apr 9, 2015, 05:34 AM
    Now I will get really nosy. What did she do for 8 years and no kids? Go to school? She certainly has the freedom to do whatever she wants to now. While I may be sympathetic and supportive, I wouldn't get carried away but would sure stop the contact, and chatting for a while, unless it's about BUSINESS,

    Talaniman Rule-When you get dumped, you disappear from their lives.

    I would sure stop stalking her Facebook, or any other social media, just to focus on ME and getting myself together. Dating would be out of the question but building a social life should be a priority, with friends and activities that you enjoy.

    Matter of fact this should no longer be about the two of you, its JUST about you. I really doubt if you are in a good place to fairly judge what's a fair financial settlement with your ex at this time, and think you make it plain to her that YOU need time, and will take it.

    Of course she is free to do whatever she wants, and you have to be okay to let her.

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