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    Confused36's Avatar
    Confused36 Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 16, 2018, 09:45 AM
    Moving on from a divorce
    I made the toughest and most hurtful decision ever, I asked my husband for a divorce in August. In filed for it in October. In looking back, our relationship was never solid to begin with. He, at the time, 5 years ago was a 35 year old mamas boy saying that I forced him to move in and leave his single mom, I forced him to have sex, that I had a timeline and that he did everything to make me happy. All of the above to my knowledge are not valid reasons they are all excuses. As a man, as a person you can choose to stay or choose to leave no one forces the other to do anything.
    I am 36, divorced, depressed some days great others. I started the process to freeze my eggs. Began dating someone that Iíve known for a while. We were acquaintes at first when we met. He has a 5 yr old son. I met his family- they are ďnormalĒ mom and dad both in picture they have a good dynamic not weird/creepy that my ex and his mom had. The new guy has made plans for the future for us wants a family, 2 kids to be specific and wants to have a future with me. Iím just scared how do I know this is real? My ex promised me so many things turns out he was just appeasing me. I have noticed at times I will be mean to the new guy because of my history with my ex. I want all the things the new guy speaks of I just want to make sure I donít waste more time. The new guy has told me Iím not here to waste your time donít waste my time donít play with me. How can I get over this mindset? How do I know if itís real?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Feb 16, 2018, 10:19 AM
    Correct me if I'm wrong, but you have been divorced for 3/4 months, and back in the dating scene, and already looking for love or a HUSBAND? With my view of your timeline, then it appears you just got out of a failed marriage, and jumped right into a committed exclusive relationship and he already wants a deep commitment? FORGET IT! Slow down heal and date the right way by enjoying getting to know each other really well. If it lasts more than 6 months, consider the something more than dating discussion.

    Until then allow the healing process to work.and enjoy dating. If it's real, it will last and grow. Do you really think it's healthy to listen to the high promises and good intentions of an acquaintance? Of course not. You really do sound like you just want a good marriage and everybody does but you can't just go by desperation, or a ticking clock, or the need to just have someone.

    You should have learned that lesson from your marriage. That's why you should give yourself time to heal. Time to think, and process your own mind. If you cannot enjoy getting to know someone and truly find out if it's real or not, then you shouldn't even be dating, and playing that kind of mind game with yourself.

    May I suggest you both sound too desperate at this point in time and need to keep it real. You are simply not ready to ENJOY exploring and experimenting. Yeah I know 36, and all! What do you think? Am I wrong?
    Confused36's Avatar
    Confused36 Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Feb 16, 2018, 10:28 AM
    I understand and I agree with what youíre saying. I have actually told him that we should take it day by day. He told me he will give me my space wants to get to know me more and just have fun. I agreed with him. I have been divorced 4 months now, and I had been falling out of love with my ex for a while now. I do need to heal. I do need to be alone. Iím not rushing anything for I never want anyone to ever say I ďforcedĒ them that doesnít feel or sound good. Iím just concerned that in the future Iíll make the same mistake and waste my time I donít think Iím desperate. He started as an acquaintance we became friends and went on dates. Getting my eggs frozen has taken pressure off me. Iím just afraid to waste my time on someone else whose just telling ďstoriesĒ like my ex to keep me around- all words no actions. I donít want to do that ever again. I just want to be happy.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #4

    Feb 16, 2018, 11:16 AM
    It makes sense to still be hurting, anyone can understand that, and good to hear you don't feel desperate. You shouldn't be. Also it takes time to judge if a persons words and actions match in some way, and that's with people without any baggage. I take it you have no kids, so no reason you should not be busy building a life that you enjoy, with family, friends, and loads of activities that makes you happy beyond the dating stuff.

    For now keep all your options open, and don't just depend on this acquaintance to be fulfilled or HAPPY. It's all about YOU being happy with yourself. Just be cool and ENJOY your FREEDOM! Do your thing!! You are still in the early stages of healing from your experience. That's not a bad thing.

    Good Luck 8D
    Confused36's Avatar
    Confused36 Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Feb 17, 2018, 08:04 AM
    Thank you for your words.
    I hope and pray this feeling of doubting my decision goes away. Sometimes I feel like maybe I did the wrong thing by divorcing. Other times I feel like it was the best decision I made. I saw our marriage therapist at the gym and she told me that I had made the best decision for myself because all he saw was black and white and I was the one compromising all the time. I fear that there is something lacking or something wrong within me that I stayed with him for so long knowing that he was not giving me 100%. I donít know. As lost as I felt before I feel now. Now Iím lost and divorced. Crazy life. Hoping to not waste my time. And hoping to be happy alone and then eventually with someone.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Feb 17, 2018, 09:04 AM
    Is it fair of me to put you in the category of a hopeless romantic? Obviously you are an ambitious driven person who really does have it together career wise, and financially as well, even after a divorce! You have it all EXCEPT what you want the most... a family of your own to complete you. Nothing wrong with that, but your approach really sucks.

    Talaniman Rule - Date them all! Fat, short, skinny, or tall! 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy!

    You wouldn't believe how this simple rule will broaden your mind, and keep you busy and involved weeding through a bigger man pool! Hell woman, if you are so obsessed with having a MAN for your future baby, then you may as well enjoy the search. Don't worry about the nogs you surely will meet, or the flawed ones that are not compatible, you kiss a lot of frogs before one turns into Prince Charming, but you also hone your own ability to keep it real, and move beyond the less enticed rather quickly, and be ready for the next challenge. You can also be VERY straight and honest and UPFRONT about your end game, which scares away the timid and those with issues.

    This hope to meet a guy, or date an acquaintance and fiddle around to see if he is the one, is a waste of time for you. Be honest with yourself, this latest guy is jut a place holder, something to do while you figure yourself out and get a PLAN!

    I got your plan so what do you think?
    Confused36's Avatar
    Confused36 Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Mar 5, 2018, 07:40 AM
    I will move slowly with dating. Even though you're right, I am a hopeless romantic all I want is to be happy, in love, married have a family. And, it seems like I may never get there. But, I agree with you, the plan you've established for me sounds good. Thank you. I have issues, I am afraid of rejection. I was rejected for such a long time, something I have to work on. I want to go back to therapy but am unsure if I should go back to the same one "we" went to or if I should start fresh. Also, in all honesty, I do not think the latest guy is a place holder. I don't want to waste his time or mine or anyone's times for that matter. Freezing my eggs has given me relief. I had to change my phone number for my exes family was harassing me. Its been really sad, roller coaster of emotions. Trying to keep busy.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #8

    Mar 5, 2018, 09:14 AM
    Let me be clear Ms Hopeless Romantic. Dating to see if you can be happy, fall in love, and have a family, is a waste of time. You date for FUN and get to know someone(S), and experience people, places and things. You already know your not in love so what are you doing just dating him? You have already committed your time to one fellow. You really do need to find your happiness before you find a fellow. I really hope you can get over this wasting time nonsense. Think about it. No human interaction is a waste of time, because that's how we grow by experiencing the ways of others as we learn about ourselves in the process.

    So explain why you are so committed to this fellow and depriving yourself of a lot of other interactions that could bring you the happiness you lack now. I think you have HIGH hopes in this guy, or you are using him for a crutch to soothe your pain. Seldom have I ever seen hopeless romantics deal with reality and find happiness in an honest way. Look I understand your FEAR, we all have that to some degree, and I know how sensitive you are if I read you right, and overly sensitive after being hurt and going through a very harsh ordeal.

    I don't think you are really ready for the challenge of dating on any level, because you are still in pain, and you should at least be honest with yourself and this fellow about that. It's probably TWO hopeless romantics looking for love, but one is afraid of the risks hurt and pain if it goes south. Truth is it's too soon for YOU as you are still dealing with a load of baggage it takes a long time to unpack. Not unusual for people to latch onto another for comfort and support when things are tough. No excuses though as honesty is your friend, with yourself and others.

    Not being harsh, I don't mean to be, but being honest is what you lack now through the emotional, spiritual, and physical pain. Understandable since your ticking clock has been stopped and that's the only thing you can see right now. I think you are much better served with family, friends and activities that make you happy, instead of putting high hopes on a fellow that promises the moon so soon after an emotional disaster. That's not even a friend. I just hate to see you chasing the shiny object instead of healing yourself, and having fun enjoying your freedom to do as you please, and being happy with it.

    Are you happy moving on in this way? Maybe he isn't a placeholder, but neither is he a Band-Aid. I feel awful laying my opinion on you this way when you need a friend and a hug. Forgive me.

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