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    Bzz's Avatar
    Bzz Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 4, 2014, 06:00 AM
    Leaving husband
    I'm married to an ex alcoholic whom I've supported well over 5 years. We married in 2008 and I placed him rehab 3 times. I separated for 1 year then after he successfully completed rehab I returned. I pay for everything. I have a thriving business which I started before we married. He has since resumed employment and has a great job with pension and benefits. The problem is our marriage has dwindled.

    I have resentment and I started an affair with a colleague who knows my situation. I have no kids and have not purchased property because I have been unsure of my future with my husband. I love him as I be known him for over 15 years. I don't think I can handle the mundane life we share. We have not had sex for 2 plus years and I feel I'm waiting for nothing. Am I stupid to think I can have this new relationship grow or should I leave both ? Please advise.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #2

    Apr 4, 2014, 06:19 AM
    You appear to have a good head on your shoulders. I know what you have been going through and I applaud your tenacity in helping your husband overcome his disease. I shouldn't say overcome because alcoholism is never gone, just always in the background waiting to imerge again if one isn't diligent.

    Of course the decision is your own, as only you know what a new life would mean to you.

    Advise? Kind of hard to tell you how to ditch someone you have been living with, but if there is no love left in the relationship then I would have to say yes. I can't say counselling because this goes above and beyond when one has lived and gone through a relationship with an alcoholic. It has been a different set of circumstances for you and he.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #3

    Apr 4, 2014, 06:57 AM
    This may come off as sounding harsh, but it isn't meant that way.

    You need to forget about male relationships and decide what is best for you. If you leave your husband, it should be because it is in your best self interest not because you have someone waiting for you. You should be able to be out on your own and standing on your own two feet without a new partner as crutch proving to yourself you don't need a man in your life to be whole. Banish any self-doubts that may be trying to grow. Re-build your self-confidence. As strong as you sound, it does seem like a small part of you is afraid. Deal with that fear so that you don't allow it to affect future relationships.

    The other man at this point is more of a fantasy than a reality. He may know what you are going through and he may be there for you but he is not part of you everyday life. He is the greener grass on the other side of the fence. That grass only appears greener because you haven't had to tend it. You aren't responsible for his clothes, meals, bills, etc. You don't have the history with him that you do with your husband. Could a relationship work out? I don't know. I don't know if he is putting on act to get what he wants because he thinks you won't leave your husband.

    I won't tell you to stay or leave. I will tell you to make the best choice for yourself. It is time to take care of you.
    Bzz's Avatar
    Bzz Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Apr 4, 2014, 07:12 AM
    Your absolutely right. I ve decided to seek professional guidance and after taxes will see my divorce atty. I'm telling myself I can't have a crutch because I'm not leaving for this other man . Although I wonder if he wasn't around would I be do persistent in leaving. I'm afraid. For sure. But I'm more afraid of losing another decade in a love less relationship.
    I'm happy my husband got this great job. This way I don't have to worry about his well being. I don't think I could have left him during his active addiction. It's hard to leave a man I've been with for so long. I love him. He just never fulfilled anything for me. In fact all he uses his paycheck for is to pay his credit cards off. I continue to pay for everything else. He seems to think I will continue yo help him rise above. And honestly I'm tapped out emotionally.
    I just know this revision is the right one but I am afraid of uncertainty.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Apr 4, 2014, 07:13 AM
    Your conflict is evident! You say in once sentence that your marriage is too mundane and in another that you 'live him as I be known him for over 15 years,' which I think means you love him just for the comfort of time.

    I would end the affair. No reason to jump from the frying pan into the fire. Get about 10 sessions of good talk therapy. Resentment over money spent - can you get past it or not? Lack of sex life - can you two talk it out, find the reasons? You don't even mention talking to HIM about reasons. Comfort of 15 years? For some it's worth staying, and for others not. What happens when life is too mundane with the next man?
    Bzz's Avatar
    Bzz Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Apr 4, 2014, 07:18 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    Your conflict is evident! You say in once sentence that your marriage is too mundane and in another that you 'live him as I be known him for over 15 years,' which I think means you love him just for the comfort of time.

    I would end the affair. No reason to jump from the frying pan into the fire. Get about 10 sessions of good talk therapy. Resentment over money spent - can you get past it or not? Lack of sex life - can you two talk it out, find the reasons? You don't even mention talking to HIM about reasons. Comfort of 15 years? For some it's worth staying, and for others not. What happens when life is too mundane with the next man?

    We have not been together 15 years. We were good friends until 2003. So I guess 10 years together wrapped up in heavy drinking and early drug use. I cleaned up with responsibility of work and he had a harder time. I helped him. That I'm at peace with but I can't continue to evade my own needs anymore.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #7

    Apr 4, 2014, 07:43 AM
    Before leaving or kicking him out, you should consult with a lawyer to make certain you know what your rights and responsibilities are. Know what to expect and be prepared for him to ask for support especially if you make more than he does.

    Hopefully, when you finally discuss divorce with him, he will as ready to move on as you are.

    Good luck.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #8

    Apr 4, 2014, 08:47 AM
    I hope he is strong enough to overcome devastating news, and it must be said, that alcoholics are always just that, but have been taught to and accepted that they must keep that demon at bay. Alcoholism is a genetic disease.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #9

    Apr 5, 2014, 04:58 AM
    I asked you if you have actually talked to him about your sex life, and you glossed right over it, just saying that you can't evade your own needs any more.
    That suggests to me that you are either a chronic non-communicator or that you simply don't desire him any more.
    You need to face that. Only you can answer it.
    But I think all of us agree here that jumping directly from one man to the next is a recipe for disaster.

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