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    timmydale's Avatar
    timmydale Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 2, 2013, 06:55 PM
    Leaving my abusive wife.
    I have just left my wife who has been both verbally and physically abusive. Everything you have read in the above post times ten. I was beaten with coat hangers, had knives thrown at me. Punched in the face for driving a different route than she suggested. Slapped for trying to explain my religious beliefs. Forced to walk 2 miles with a cast on my leg after surgery when she kicked me out of the car. All these things plus more than you could imagine that I can't list. And believe it or not it's still so painful to leave her. I do love her. She didn't do this all the time. She had outbursts every 2 or 3 weeks or so. And she would always convince me that it was something I did wrong. If had only did this or I'd only said that. I'm finally away from her now. At my mother's house. My family says its about time. Even now I think of her crying alone wanting me back. I know I cant. Ive decided no contact works best. My question is, can I go through a divorce without any contact with her? Any contact will be more tears and more broken promises.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #2

    Nov 2, 2013, 07:12 PM
    I am glad you found the courage to leave. As you maintain no contact, you will keep your resolve to stay strong, because the worst is over now- you are on the right road, and staying there will be the only way you can begin to heal.

    I don't know how long you have been in your parent's home, but as soon as possible seek legal help. It will be important for you to be able to relay detail of the abuse because your lawyer may suggest you get a restraining order. Think about writing out the worst of the recent history on paper. Details become blurred over time, so this is important.

    Keep a copy for yourself when you have a weak moment, and read it to keep your resolve.

    Keep reminding yourself that this situation isn't about LOVE. And although you say you love her, obviously love is not enough. This was a destructive relationship, that could easily have resulted in your death. Stay away from her, do not accept any calls/texts/email. If there are threatening or harassing calls or texts, be sure to hand these over to your lawyer immediately, and call the police.

    Are there children involved?
    timmydale's Avatar
    timmydale Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Nov 2, 2013, 07:35 PM
    Thanks for your support. There is a child. Her 16 yr old son from a previous relationship. He has seen and heard almost all of this. More than a kid should have. She's never really been abusive to him. I've always been the punching bag. I recognize it now but its hard to explain why one stays through all of this. She suffers from depression. I think its borderline personality disorder. Either way I can't make it my problem anymore. I still deposit my checks for them each week, keeping only a few bucks for gas and things. I do still feel guilty for leaving. Sometimes I feel like I'm letting them down and breaking my promises that I made. I know she's broken so many as well. I guess only time will cure these feelungs. We were married for 2 years. Together for 8. I think I married her because I wanted to cure her. I know now it's not possible. She won't take meds prescribed to her. Its just so hard knowing someone you cared for is in pain. Like I said I guess time will help. Our anniversary is 11 11. Ugh. Can I geta divorce with no contact though. I can't see or talk to her. I just can't do it.
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,691, Reputation: 1547
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    #4

    Nov 2, 2013, 08:10 PM
    I can't help you with this other than to say I know where you're at and I wish you the best of luck. Look ahead to a better future, never look back.

    Stay strong.
    timmydale's Avatar
    timmydale Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Nov 2, 2013, 08:16 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by odinn7 View Post
    I can't help you with this other than to say I know where you're at and I wish you the best of luck. Look ahead to a better future, never look back.

    Stay strong.
    Thank you. Just hearing the words I know where your at gave me chills. Thank you
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #6

    Nov 2, 2013, 09:12 PM
    I was with my husband for ten years. We were very young when we started dating. He started to change over time. Becoming very angry. He punched me hard on the side of my head... twice... I took my children and left. That was back in 09. I never went back to that house again. He had NEVER laid a hand on before that night. It took one time and I was done. It was very hard for me... at first. Then over time I got over it.

    You don't hurt the ones you love.

    You deserve better. I'm sorry you went through that.

    I hardly had any contact with him during the divorce process, which was good, because he tried so hard to get me back. I didn't budge and neither should you. Stay strong.
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,691, Reputation: 1547
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    #7

    Nov 2, 2013, 09:21 PM
    Good for you, Enigma! So many people put up with the abuse and make excuses for it...my sister went through it for 7 years until it almost killed her. Good to hear you did what had to be done without waiting.
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #8

    Nov 2, 2013, 09:28 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by odinn7 View Post
    Good for you, Enigma! So many people put up with the abuse and make excuses for it...my sister went through it for 7 years until it almost killed her. Good to hear you did what had to be done without waiting.

    Oh wow! Seven years? I can't even imagine that.
    timmydale's Avatar
    timmydale Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Nov 2, 2013, 09:38 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Enigma1999 View Post
    Oh wow! Seven years? I can't even imagine that.
    Its so easy for me to look back at it and say whoa what were you thinking for staying through all of it. But I promise you, the borderline is so very talented and skilled at manipulation that you lose yourself in them. I gave up everything. Friends Family for a short while. For what? To be treated like that and convinced I had it coming. Im not a weak man. On the contrary. But somehow, for some reason she used all the kind in me, all the good in me, against me. Its very helpful writing this and discussing this. It keeps me mad, as apposed to feeling sorry for her. Thanks for your words.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #10

    Nov 2, 2013, 11:07 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by timmydale View Post
    Its so easy for me to look back at it and say whoa what were you thinking for staying through all of it. But I promise you, the borderline is so very talented and skilled at manipulation that you lose yourself in them. I gave up everything. Friends Family for a short while. For what? To be treated like that and convinced I had it coming. Im not a weak man. On the contrary. But somehow, for some reason she used all the kind in me, all the good in me, against me. Its very helpful writing this and discussing this. It keeps me mad, as apposed to feeling sorry for her. Thanks for your words.
    You have to get rid of the mad as well as the sorry.

    You may not be a weak man, but you didn't leave when this started. I'd give the same advice to a woman, if he hits you once, that's enough, get out. You didn't have it coming, but you did stick around and let it continue.

    It's long past time to leave. Before you say that I'm being unsympathetic, I've been in abusive relationships. I do get it. I do have pity for those that stay and allow it to continue, but really, IMO, anyone that stays after the first shot, is making their own bed, and they have to lay in it.

    So stop being mad, stop feeling sorry for her, and start realizing that you, and only you, can choose how you're treated. If you want to be mad, be mad that you stayed and took the abuse. If you want to feel sorry, feel sorry that you stayed and took the abuse. Take her out of the equation, stop blaming her for the choices you made. Leave, and get on with your life.
    timmydale's Avatar
    timmydale Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Nov 2, 2013, 11:52 PM
    That's where I'm at now. I've left. I'm moving forward. But She is still my wife. I still care for her. And I'm going to have to supprt her financially for quite some time. I'm not looking for sympathy or even empathy. Just came here to write down my story and let my future begin. As far as I made my bed, that sounds an awful lot like what my wife would say. She said you put up with it all these years and now you want to leave. Well shame on me for trying. Your right. Im not letting it happen again. It took me awhile to figure out there was no 2ay fix my marriage. No way fix her. Just got to fix me now. Im trying to figure out what was wrong with me for allowing this to go on. Clearly I have some issues of my own. Thanks for your response. I've been playing the victim too long. My own doing.
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #12

    Nov 3, 2013, 07:39 AM
    I have to ask... You mentioned twice that she has borderline personality disorder. Has that been proven by a Doctor?

    Has she had a full psychological evaluation conducted to conclude that? Or is this just your assumption?

    The reason I ask is because ANYONE can say ANYTHING about another person to justify actions.

    She maybe manipulative but that doesn't mean that she has personality disorder.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,009, Reputation: 10852
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    #13

    Nov 3, 2013, 08:12 AM
    You may well have to see her in court, but that's up to you and a lawyer, but NC is a good path to go. Just curious as to the present and future of the relationship with "her" child though. I think that's what will be the decider as parents have to be in on some level for the best interest of the child.
    timmydale's Avatar
    timmydale Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Nov 3, 2013, 09:02 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    You may well have to see her in court, but that's up to you and a lawyer, but NC is a good path to go. Just curious as to the present and future of the relationship with "her" child though. I think that's what will be the decider as parents have to be in on some level for the best interest of the child.
    She has never been diagnosed professionally as borderline. Just depression. I have visited countless websites and she fits every single profile. I've sat with her and her psychiatrist. He prescibes her meds and we cry and vent and she agrees she needs meds but never follows through with taking them. Always saying she will take them when she starts feeling bad. By then it's to late. She needs to take them all the time forever as her Dr says. In March of this year she attempted suicide by taking a full bottle of xanax after an episode in which I was severely and I mean severely beaten with coat hangers and broom handle. I am 6ft 3 225 lbs and still could not fend this off. She was hospitalized for 2 weeks in a psych ward. At which point I left qfter her release. We both went to counseling separately. As did her son. My counselor advised me to leave permanently and end the marriage. I stayed away for a month but of course slowly came back to her because she was doing much better. I moved back in and things went fine for a few weeks. Then some small verbal abuse started. Then some punching on the shoulder. Then I had my surgery. She actually took care of me like a loving wife should. But she insisted on controlling my pain meds, and use them against me. If she got mad, she'd say your not getting your pill deal with that. Then kicked out of the car because I wouldn't shut up about I don't even remember. Walked 2 miles home in a cast with no crutches. Finally kicking me out with no meds is where I began the latest episode with police and my dr. Now Im having no contact. It is very hard. There were of course wonderful times as well. She can be the most beautiful person you've ever seen. My family fell in love with her immediately. But those times get fewer and fewer. Her son has seen it all before. She did the same thing in her previous relationship of 9 years. He seems to be OK. She takes good care of him. Very involved in his school. He sees a counselor, who says he's doing fine. I've never adopted him legally so custody would not be an issues nor would I want to take him from his mother. He would want to stay with her and her family anyway. Breaking clean is my only option I can see. I really care for her and think of her hourly. Praying she's not just lying in bed. I guess its not my problem anymore. Easier said than done. I got to take care of me now. I think I'm answering a lot of my own questions just by writing. Thanks for your input.
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #15

    Nov 3, 2013, 01:59 PM
    Thank you or sharing. I 'm sure it's hard, however, like you said, talking about it helps.

    Obviously there is something/s wrong with her... mentally, and she really needs t be alone to figure it out. It isn't fair to you or anyone else who has to endure her issues.

    I am sure it is also very hard to let go. I can see that you care for her very much, but life is too short, especially when there are other women out there who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. Hell, I would rather be alone, then have to put up with that.
    timmydale's Avatar
    timmydale Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Nov 23, 2013, 06:30 PM
    She's never been diagnosed with bpd. But every thing I've r3ad leads to me believing that she is. It's been a month now and it's slowly getting better. I still have a lot of tough times nut my family has been so great. I still have not filed for divorce. Im still depositing most of my check for her each week. I just can't bring myself to cutting her off financially. The holidays are coming it's going to be rough. Going to try to sidestep the holidays and go to spring. I miss you Gina. I love you punkin. But I just have to move on.

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