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    Cgluchowski's Avatar
    Cgluchowski Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 4, 2014, 09:25 PM
    How to talk to my granddaughter involved in her parents divorce
    My son in going through a divorce. He has an 11 year old daughter. He is very close to her. I am very very close to my granddaughter and am so concerned about her.

    My granddaughter and I were always together. During the summer she is with me 2-3 days a week. Since the divorce started she will make an excuse she cannot come over. I have even invited her to the movies and she just says no. My son is a fireman and has her the 4 days a week on his days off. The other 3 days are with her mother. Her mother works days and evenings she leaves her with a friend as she is dating.

    My son has mentioned that the past month she has been waking up crying stating she has been having nightmares. We have both tried talking to her and she will just turn her head away and say all is OK but at the same time you see her fighting the tears. I have asked her on several occasions what is wrong and that I am always here for her. Both her father and I do not know what to do or say. We do not want to make it worse for her and push her but we want to help her.

    I always thought I was close to my daughter in law but it appears she wants nothing to do with me. I send here biweekly texts just saying I love and miss you but no response. I would like to keep a good relationship with my daughter in law if for no other reason then for my granddaughter but my daughter in law is very resentful.

    I do not want to put any more stress on my granddaughter so I go to my sons house one a week to visit my granddaughter. We work on crafts and enjoy each other. Today I picked her up at school and on the way home my granddaughter said that her mom asked her when she was to get her report card. My granddaughter said on Thursday. Her mother then told her that she was not to give it to her daddy and to bring it home to her. My granddaughter said to me that she did not think it was right. I said I did not think it right either and I am sure it made her feel bad and placed her in the middle. My granddaughter said yes and it was hard. I told my granddaughter I was sorry and she said not to worry Meema she was OK. Well she is not OK, she is so stressed. I want to talk to her and be there for her but at the same time I do not want to put more pressure on her. Both her daddy and I just do not know what to do or how to say things to her. Please can you advise what we could or should do. Today was the first time she has said anything. My son wants to take her to counciling but her mother says no. My sons attorney says both mother and father need to agree to take her to counciling. We just do not know what to do or what to say to my sons daughter, my granddaughter.

    Please thank you for any advice.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,303, Reputation: 7691
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    #2

    Mar 5, 2014, 06:43 AM
    It appears, that the parents are using the daughter as a tool in the battle, to at least some extent. Or perhaps there is communication issues as to what the daughter is doing in school, to each parent when the other has her.

    You should *** stay out of it, tell your grand daughter you love her, and want to continue your relationship, that sadly divorce happens, and you are there for her.

    You do not want to get too involved, she tells her mom, grandmother said it was not right, guess how sees granddaughter less.?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,087, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Mar 5, 2014, 07:16 AM
    You love and support but never ever take a side against her mother. That goes for your son too, as there is enough adult emotional stress all over. I will be honest that the adults have more need of counseling than the child does so they can resolve those hurt feelings without involving the child in their power struggle. You focus on love and support and don't take sides in this to your grand daughter or you lose, but you will be perceived as on your sons side any way. Unfortunate, but should not be as your son should be encouraged by you to put his child interest above the power struggle by you.

    It's a hard time for you all but the common goal should be for your grand daughter, so resist the urge to get between them. Be very careful what you say and do with the mom, AND the dad. No doubt the mom sees two against one and no doubt she will do whatever it takes to keep you both out of her personal business. No doubt this chafes your son's butt, and he will need some patience himself. Encourage him to get some, and be thoughtful with his words, and actions.

    Been through this and it's a difficult fine line to walk for sure and all you can do is love your grand daughter when you see her and be calm when the adults are not. Keep your opinions to yourself if you cannot be unbiased. You cannot control the adults or the child, but you can control yourself.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #4

    Mar 5, 2014, 03:07 PM
    I wonder why the mother is against counseling. When parents divorce it's very hard on the children involved, and counseling is a great tool to help children of divorce. It would only be beneficial for the child. The mother being against counseling, raises a few red flags for me. Why? What is she afraid the child will say during counseling sessions?

    I would suggest that they both see a mediator. They need a third party, someone they don't know, to step in and help them deal with co-parenting, and dealing with their divorce. If they continue what they're doing they will only hurt their child.
    Glugirl's Avatar
    Glugirl Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Mar 5, 2014, 06:09 PM
    Do grandparents have legal rights in a divorce with their grandchildren?
    Note; OP changed username


    My son is going through a divorce and I am concerned about seeing my grandchildren as my ex daughter in law is keeping my grandchildren away from me. Do I have any legal rights and how do I pursue them?
    SimsDiamond's Avatar
    SimsDiamond Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    Aug 6, 2014, 07:24 AM
    My Parents got divorced when I was around 9 and I am a very private girl, like your granddaughter seems to say I always said that everything was okay and got to my room and cried. I understand as a grandparent it is very hard to see your granddaughter suffer like this.

    For me I found I just wanted someone to just be with me, as I felt quite lonely even though I had many people around me. I remember my grandparent giving me a big long hug and just letting me cry, I also as a child was also very concerned with saying something that would hurt my parents feelings so found it comforting when what I said to my grandparent was said in confidence and felt that I had a safe relationship with them. I also really liked it that my grandparent never took the sides of either of my parents (so I wasn't influenced even more- because I love both my parents) and instead of saying mum/ dad shouldn't have done that, posed a possible solution to me such as having a talk with one of my parents about a single issue that was concerning me.

    This might not be very helpful, but I am just basing it on what my experience was like and what I found comforting, I never went to councilling as I hated talking about my feelings but maybe it might be something that is good for your grandaughter, sometimes getting a older family friend is also good as they are not biast towards a parent and are outside the family unit, therefor working the same way as a councilor.

    Hopefully it all works out for you and your family, I was lucky enough that mine sorted itself out eventually and I have come at peace with my parents divorce.

    Best of luck

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