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    AMRA555's Avatar
    AMRA555 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Apr 11, 2014, 08:32 AM
    Ex too dependent?
    EX TOO DEPENDENT?
    So my fiancé has an ex-wife and 4 kids with her. She has primary custody of them and we have them every other weekend with my fiancé taking them to dinner one extra day during the week. When I started dating my fiancé, his ex was already dating a guy (actually right after her divorce). They were seeing each other for 3 years or more and they got engaged. He recently left her. She has never really been alone. He was the one that was primarily taking care of the kids, and I guess it got too much for him to handle. She has lupus, but over-dramatizes everything. She is not disabled, but complains a lot about her pain every time we talk to her.

    I've been told by my fiancé that she was very lazy in their marriage, and that he would often be left to take care of the kids when he got home from work and she would just check out. That makes me skeptical that she may be seeking sympathy. When she communicates with my fiancé, she shares way too much information such as how she is feeling and about her day. It is annoying to me but he defends her whenever I bring it up. That doesn't make me feel so good. She now is depending more on my fiancé, asking him to come to her house during lunch breaks to bring the kids lunch if they are home, when he drops the kids off at night at her house she asks him to bring in boxes, groceries, etc. She just recently asked him to fix a clogged bathtub. She is moving and also asked him to help her move as well. My fiancé doesn't know how to place boundaries with her and if he does she blows up. I also think that he may be fearful that if he causes friction with her, she may withhold information about the kids, or talk bad about him to them.

    Since her fiancé left, she has been asking us to take the kids more. It ruins our schedule and makes me feel like our lives are going to start becoming dependent on how she is feeling on a daily basis. I've suggested to my fiancé that we take his kids FT, if she feels like she cannot handle it. He doesn't want to take them away from the mother.

    My question is….do you think his ex is over-stepping boundaries? Is she depending on my fiance too much?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,879, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Apr 11, 2014, 03:24 PM
    Its totally between them, and if they could have gotten along and worked well together they likely would still be married. One of the adjustments of dating men/women with kids from other people is the exes are a large part of their lives along with the kids.

    If you cannot live with that dynamic the choice is yours how you deal with their decisions, and action. Unfortunately it's a package deal whether we like it or NOT. Just another factor in the equation. Not an easy balance at all but take this as a preview of what you are getting into. When will he tire of her BS, and do it your way?

    No telling. For sure you probably have years to deal with him, AND his family, EX included. For better or for worse, as long as you can stand it.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #3

    Apr 11, 2014, 03:57 PM
    Lupus is a kind of invisible disease so sufferers are often worse off than they might appear.

    As for the rest of it, this is for him to figure out. I think counseling is in order for him if he feels obligated so he can get advice on setting proper boundaries.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #4

    Apr 11, 2014, 08:20 PM
    When your fiancé is doing small favors for his ex, he is helping her, but he is also setting a good example for his children. I haven't read that he's done anything so outrageous that you would consider her to be too dependent on him. You actually assume too much, such as how much pain she is in with a medical condition, and why her long term boyfriend left her- saying it was probably because of the kids.

    You cross the line stepping in and suggesting that not only can she not handle her children, but she's doing such a poor job that you suggested to your fiancé that he take full custody. That was a terrible thing to say, and clearly sets boundaries alright- and you have crossed them.

    He is her business, because she is the mother of his children, and they will share the responsibilities, for many, many more years to come. She will need assistance from time to time, and why shouldn't she ask him to take the kids more, and why shouldn't he? 4 kids is a lot to manage on your own, and I admire your fiancé for stepping up and helping out- although it does not mean she should lose custody because of it.

    The children benefit when their parents get along, and the more they see each of them, the better it is for them. They are, and will be for a long time, a priority over you.

    Forcing him into a bigger issue than need be, by your remarks and behavior and assumptions, will drive a wedge in your relationship that will force him to choose.

    I doubt that he would choose you. I'm not saying this to be mean, but to try to get you to see that your fiancé, his children, and his relationship with all of them existed before you, and it will continue to exist, with or without you. Try your best to accommodate her when she is overwhelmed, or in pain, or in touch with your fiancé about the children- events, concerts, extra curricular activities, graduations, etc.

    It is not your place to place any demands, or criticism, or to question anything he does with his ex, and his children. That is between them, and isn't up for negotiation.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,272, Reputation: 7690
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    #5

    Apr 12, 2014, 01:20 AM
    I will disagree greatly with the above. No, it is not always a good example, he is showing that his ex is more important this his current. There has to be boundries, he may have his, you may have yours, you explain to him, yours. If he wants to cross them and disrespect you. Then he needs to be alone to do it. You need to find someone who will also care for your feelings.

    His ex needs to learn to take care of the kids, if she can not, she should sign custody over to ex husband and let him keep the kids.

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