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    ok2usa's Avatar
    ok2usa Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    May 6, 2014, 03:00 PM
    I can't be happy when alone!
    Why do I feel like I need a man in my life to support me and to feel happy? I am alone, raising 4 kids without any help. My husband, kids father,is in jail for 12 years! He broke my heart and ruined my and kids' life! I had dated very unsuccessfully 5 men. My life is hard, I want someone to be their for me. Not just to help me but to be loved and love back, I guess it's too hard to be with me.
    Now I have to give up having a man in my life? I'm only 34! I love to be a in a relationship and be in love..
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
    Uber Member

    May 6, 2014, 04:15 PM
    You are in a challenging situation, but you also have a great opportunity if you look at your circumstances differently. You get to make decisions for you and your children. You don't need to compromise with anyone.

    Give some thought, maybe write a list, of what you would like to accomplish still in your life. Set some goals... short term and long term. Go back to school perhaps? You can get degrees online from may well known colleges and universities. Or take a course or two at a local college. Volunteer in your kids' school. Maybe it would lead to employment if that would be of interest. Spend time with friends away from the kids now and then. Maybe a "date" night with a girlfriend, or family member. Try something new... a new hobby, lessons in something. If you work, are there options for advancement that you could work towards? Look into training opportunities if possible.

    Learn about managing your finances, learn how to lay a tile floor, learn about vegetable gardening, learn some basic car mechanics, take a cooking class or dance class, join a church or other religious organization, find volunteer opportunities... local hospital, nursing home, or SPCA, learn some craft ideas on pinterest, reconnect with people from high school or college, join a site like this and help others with your knowledge and experience... there are so many things that you could be doing, learning about, and exploring on your own and with your children.

    The key is to focus on you and your children right now. Taking the first steps towards a new life are the most difficult (and you will likely make plenty of excuses not to), but once you get going, it gets easier. Odds are, when you are busy enjoying yourself with friends, family, or on your own, someone will come into your life... and at that time you will be truly ready to be part of a healthy relationship. One based on shared commitment, love and respect, and not your need for a man to make you happy or support you.
    smearcase's Avatar
    smearcase Posts: 2,392, Reputation: 316
    Ultra Member

    May 6, 2014, 07:09 PM
    You are still married to a husband in jail? If that is the case and I apologize if it not and I am not judging you or criticizing you for anything you do under the circumstances you are enduring, but --. Your husband is in jail and 12 years is pretty serious and these 5 men- (my underline): " I had dated very unsuccessfully 5 men." " I guess it's too hard to be with me."
    Had dated- before marriage, or after husband went to jail? Can't determine the details here.
    But if these five men were dated since your husband went to jail, and you had to tell them of your situation (I hope you did), it is awfully hard to imagine that a man would be around for long , after learning that you husband might be released at any time, or at the very least in 12 years (not likely the way it works today). They are probably assuming rightly or wrongly that you may be very dangerous to be affiliated with, now or later.
    Again, I apologize if I am off on an erroneous tangent here, but I can only go with what you posted.

    I sincerely hope that you can be successful and give some thought to the suggestions Doulal.C has offered.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855

    May 13, 2014, 10:05 AM
    While you are married I doubt any man would be willing to commit to helping you with your 4 kids while you have a husband. Maybe just dating for fun and not looking for a substitute husband/helper would make your life better as you get a handle on your own situation.

    I think you should decide what to do about your husband, who will be in jail for 12 years before you look to replace him. You are in limbo until you decide that. This is under divorce, so are you considering it, or actually trying to get one?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member

    May 13, 2014, 10:18 AM
    I agree... what are you actually expecting while you are still married. I suspect those five were looking for a romp in the sack... if you are still married, you really aren't in any posittion to offer more.

    Most people are wise enough to know the... "oh I plan on getting divorced" game some men and women play. Trying to have their cake and eat it too.

    What would you consider being successful? You can't marry any of them because that's bigomy. Not many guys would support you and 4 kids while you are still married with a husband in jail. And if you find any that do... you should question their judgement in oher matters.

    That's not intended to say anything bad about you... you are certainly in a difficult situation... you need to decide what you are really after at this point, and make plans in that direction.

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