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    MandyElise's Avatar
    MandyElise Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Feb 10, 2016, 03:40 PM
    Am I making the right decision? (Long story)
    I've known my husband since we were kids. We "dated" in our early teen years and lost touch for a while. We were friends mostly but always talked about being together. Until our mid to late 20's we made the decision to give it a try. Since then I have seen a lot of red flags that I've simply ignored. A lot of lying and doing things behind my back and this has made me incredibly insecure. We got married and are coming up on our two year anniversary but I am ready to call it quits. Throughout our marriage there has always been some woman from his past lingering around. I found out last year that when we were dating that his female friend he had been talking to was actually an old hook up, and that he had messaged an ex but deleted the text. And... The dreaded Facebook.

    At one point I became so jealous and insecure I began to see who he looked up on Facebook (childish I know) and discovered he obsessively looks up his exes. I told him that hurt me and asked him to stop. I saw that he had been clearing the search so I knew he was still doing it. I ended up blocking all of his exes so he would stop. (Yes it made me that crazy) well I found out he unblocked one. His high school girlfriend of three years that he was supposedly over but I always had a feeling he wasn't. Why was he so obsessed that he went out of his way to unblock her? He's spoken about her before when we were dating about how he loved her but she fell out of love with him and they cheated on each other. He remembers a lot about her even down to the price of a gift he bought her 10 years ago which is weird because he is normally forgetful.

    I feel like she was the one and that I'm nobody. The last incident was when he got drunk with his friend and they changed his Facebook password so I could not access it. He must have done something bad because he deleted his Facebook the next day and won't tell me what caused him to do this. I was hurt completely. He said his friend was the one who was on it but that's all I've gotten. Before they changed the password I saw them or him looking up his ex before me and then I was kicked off. And even though this friend hurt me he still is close with him. Maybe I'm wrong but if my friend messed with my marriage and hurt my husband well they aren't my friend anymore. I can see this is getting long so I will wrap it up. I am leaning toward divorce basically because I keep getting hurt and he refuses to accept responsibility and tell the truth which hurts because I am so open. I just don't want to make a mistake if I'm overreacting. I'd like some outside opinions.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    Feb 10, 2016, 04:20 PM
    If I had to choose two amounts of failures here, I would just arbitrarily give you 70% and him 30%. There is nothing wrong with keeping in touch with exes, and if fact, I think it's healthy, as long as it doesn't go over some very fine lines. I don't see them going over from what you write. So yes, you are insecure, and it has snowballed.

    One key here is when and why he started lying. Did you instigate it by being so suspicious and snoopy? Why in the world do any 2 people exchange passwords? Don't we ALL deserve some privacy, and even some secrets? Being married doesn't mean you share a toothbrush, and that extends to many areas of your relationship. One that lasts is one that travels on two parallel tracks. You reach out to share and touch and make decisions, but you don't do the old 'we are one' bit! UGH! Those never last.

    Blocking his exes, making demands, all add up to you needing help. You can either talk to a therapist, or you can make a list yourself about what you will STOP doing while you learn how poisonous jealousy is. No more snooping. No more passwords. No more demanding that exes, any female friends get out of the picture. No more guessing and imagining. It won't be easy because some of it is natural enough, and we all get jealous --- but we WORK at putting a lid on it, for the sake of the relationship.

    If you don't work or have kids, get out more.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #3

    Feb 10, 2016, 05:12 PM
    Before you go the divorce route, consider counseling as a couple. Perhaps cliché, but it sounds as though communication, or the lack of it, is a big issue for you both. The concerns that you have are not getting resolved by what you have done so far, and have only caused them to increase by his reactions to them.

    Through counseling, you both might gain some insight into improving your interactions with each other that could improve your marriage. At the very least, if you decide to divorce, you'll know that you tried.


    Never ignore red flags... they are there for a reason.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,912, Reputation: 10852
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    #4

    Feb 10, 2016, 08:08 PM
    Normally I would say couples counseling is the way to go but I think you would benefit more from counseling on your own for a while. Doubt he would be willing to go, but I think you should work through your own issues without him to be honest, and he work through his own if he goes.

    To be perfectly frank I don't know how you can still be living in the same house together and if that's a very wise decision given the level of continued deceit, and your past reactions. I see no good being around each other at this time and better decisions are made after a cooling off period. A few days in a safe secure place for now will answer your questions.

    Do you have a place to go? A good friend you trust? Parents?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,277, Reputation: 7690
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    #5

    Feb 10, 2016, 08:55 PM
    I will agree with the above a lot. First in that a lot of this is in your head and your insecure feelings. So he is friends with old lovers or girlfriends on Facebook, almost all men and women are, if they remained friends with them. It is a good sign, that he is a good man, if his exes are still friends (and not hate his guts)

    It does appear childish to demand that he block them and more, he is not your child for you to demand anything, as soon as you demand, he will fight back, not to, just to prove he is not going to be ordered around.

    You have pushed him to a point of hiding things, instead of being open with you about them.

    And yes, there may be a first love, that he remembers everything, My first, Wendy, I remember our first date (at least in my memory) from almost 45 years ago. What she wore, the flower I gave her, and our first kiss.

    Does not mean I want her back, and my wife has no threats from an old love. There is a reason they are exes, and he chose you, over them. Instead of being happy you were the winner, you allow yourself to dwell on the past and what could have been.

    You need to get personal counseling first, and later add husband in group counseling. You have some very serious self esteem issues (in my opinion) and trust issues.

    Please get help or you will never find anyone to live with, These same issues will always happen,
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #6

    Feb 11, 2016, 03:52 AM
    Certainly individual counseling can help you. But he seems to be ignoring your fears and feeding them by his actions. Have the two of you sat down and discussed the entire situation? As of now, it appears to be a vicious cycle of reactions from both of you... with no plan of resolution.

    Share your concerns with him, listen to his response, seek counseling, and decide if the two of you will be able to work together on this. It won't be resolved one sided.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #7

    Feb 11, 2016, 07:01 AM
    If you choose to go the route to a divorce, then by all means do so, but realize that it is not your husband that is invading your privacy, or deleting your friends on FB, or who has extreme jealousy and insecurity about himself, that he has to know exactly what you are doing, thus checking every possible source to ensure your loyalty!!

    It is you that has the problems. It is not him, or his friends, or his ex girlfriends. I is YOU.

    Most married couples I know have friends of both sexes, exes or not, but can be trusted, so there is no extreme accusations between them. You not only see his female friends as enemies, but also his male friends.

    You really look like a fool trying to control your husband. Controlling anyone is NOT love, because the controlling of another only increases, as more and more 'clues' surface, and the one being controlled (husband) begins to distance himself from you- the controller.

    You seem to be convinced that HE cannot be trusted, nor can his friends, male or female. It is, in fact, YOU that cannot be trusted not to take over your husbands life. Have you tried a collar and chain?

    It is pathetic that you see yourself as being hard done by, yet it is your husband that gives in to your abuse, by complying with your unreasonable demands and actions. And he is not good enough for you?

    After divorce, I do hope you get counseling in order to deal with your jealousy, insecurity, and abuse issues, so that when the next man comes along, you won't repeat your behavior.

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