[lightray]

Hello all!

I looked all over online to seek this answer or advice and couldn't seem to find an article on this topic on this question. Perhaps you can help me and my wife.

So here it is - My wife and I are great together. When we're alone, we bond, connect and most of the time are on the same page. When we enter social situations it becomes a very different story. She has the tendency to go into her own world, focus 100% on the other person and just talk excessively, losing focus on the group dynamics. This in turn creates a neediness in myself, as all her energy shifts towards one person (for long periods (30 minutes to 2 hours), which usually results in me feeling uncomfortable, uneasy and eventually a little pissed off. Other than social situations we are really good. Do you have any advice for couples of this context and ways we can harmonize in a social situations? We are open with our problems and discuss it a lot. She often says, she doesn't want to change (in this context), which makes me feel even more helpless.

About her & I - She was born an only child and often tells me how she cannot focus on an entire group and only one person and often becomes overly compensating to people in social settings. I was born to a brother & sister and know how to balance conversation in a group, but do have that neediness which comes out. Is it justified to want to engage in a group discussion? Or should I just listen, shut up and hear her talk for 1 hour? THANK YOU and really appreciate any help!!

[Fr_Chuck]

Why should you and her always be in a "bond" it sounds like you are very needy and want and expect her attention to always be focused on you.

So for 30 minutes to 2 hours she is centered on other people. That is actually what is suppose to happen. She talks and enjoys other friends, you find and talk to other people.

It sounds like you have the problem, (not her) in social situations. You and her are not "one person" and each of you need, and should have social life that is not always centered on the other person.

[Cat1864]

She may need to learn how to hold a group discussion, but this seems more about you. She may be focusing on one person out of a group, but so are you. Why aren't you engaging the others in a group discussion or finding a different group to talk with? Is there a reason you have to be by her side every minute?

I suggest learning how to back off a bit and allow her to have her discussions while you have fun having yours. Once you feel less clingy and needing her attention, you can help her learn how to be less focused (if she feels/sees a need to change her ways.)

How do other people react to her monopolizing one person in a group? Do they stand around listening, start their own conversations, or move off to talk to others? Does the person she is focusing on seem to mind? Is he/she just as focused on the conversation or trying to get away?

If her behavior is causing issues with other people in the group (not just you), then sit down with her and together discuss the situation. Find out if she wants to develop the skills to engage a group instead of one person. If she does, then work together. Create subtle ways such as a touch or word that lets her know she is falling into the old pattern. It doesn't mean you have to stand over her watching and listening to her every word, but that you are around to occasionally encourage her to change her focus. Give her support to adapt and ask her to give you support/encouragement to have your own conversations.

Bonding in social settings is learning how to let each other know you are 'there' to give support if needed but you aren't hovering over each other. It is about encouraging each other to have fun talking to others knowing that you will be going home together.

[joypulv]

Most long term relationships DEPEND on getting away from each other, whether it's around the house and yard, or going to a restaurant or event with different friends, or even taking separate trips.

In groups, it seems healthy to me to drift to other people, with an intersection every half hour or so to connect, just to see how it's going or say you are bored and want to leave.

Your either/or questions are a bit strange (Is it justified to want to engage in a group discussion? Or should I just listen, shutup and hear her talk for 1 hour?) because you don't include YOU getting into discussions without her. Try it.

[talaniman]

She enjoys herself in group/social settings, so find a way to enjoy yourself too. A simple adjustment that doesn't depend on her attention your way. The key is being more independent and less needy so you don't take her ways PERSONALLY.

It's not about you or what you want, nor should it be. Lighten up why don't you.

[Jake2008]

I understand how you feel.

My husbands work demanded social situations and functions that I didn't necessarily like, but felt obligated to go to.

The conversations may have well been in Chinese- I didn't understand them. As rude as I thought they were, I was stuck waiting for either a change in the conversation, or a move to another conversation that maybe I could contribute to.

Even when a conversation was taking place and I did know or understand what was being talked about, when I did offer my two cents, it was like I was interrupting something very important, and I was ignored. Not being included left me waiting for the night to end so I could finally make an exit.

I think it is very rude for your wife to ignore you, for up to two hours, in a social situation, without making sure you were comfortable and having a good time. That might mean just getting together for a few minutes, or getting some air, or going to get a drink together. To be ignored and made to feel insignificant and not worthy of inclusion or consideration, is absolutely wrong. (in my humble opinion)

Social means, social. Being social is not monopolizing a single conversation, at the expense of your spouse. Your spouse should come first, and at the very least be included in conversations taking place, that start to go beyond normal social chatter.

Maybe your wife might try to ignore you less, by setting a time limit on a conversation. Say 15 minutes- tops. Then, move on- WITH you.

Best of luck.

[Alty]

I agree with all the above, except for Jake. Sorry Jake.

I don't think it's rude for the wife to go off and talk to others in a social situation. That's what socializing is all about. If the husband doesn't feel comfortable talking to others, maybe he should stay home, like you should have stayed home when your husband had social obligations you couldn't tolerate or feel comfortable in.

Set a time limit? Really? So they're deep in discussion, in the middle of a conversation, and she's supposed to say "I'm sorry, my 15 minutes are up and I have to go check up on my needy husband now, because he can't function without me"?

If you can't handle social situations, don't go to them. If you can't handle your wife's personality in social situations, then stay home and let her go alone.

Stop being so clingy!

[smoothy]

I agree with all the above, except for Jake. Sorry Jake.

I don't think it's rude for the wife to go off and talk to others in a social situation. That's what socializing is all about. If the husband doesn't feel comfortable talking to others, maybe he should stay home, like you should have stayed home when your husband had social obligations you couldn't tolerate or feel comfortable in.

Set a time limit? Really? So they're deep in discussion, in the middle of a conversation, and she's supposed to say "I'm sorry, my 15 minutes are up and I have to go check up on my needy husband now, because he can't function without me"?

If you can't handle social situations, don't go to them. If you can't handle your wife's personality in social situations, then stay home and let her go alone.

Stop being so clingy!

I agree... nobody is stopping you from going off and having your own conversations with others. Gee... lighten up. You are going to see her when you go home... its not going to kill you to let her socialize when you are out. You don't have to monopolize her attentions 100% of the time. And I doubt she will let you even if you tried. Being so NEEDY and clingy is a put-off. Its bad enough when it's the woman doing it.. its far worse when it's the guy. Keep at it and eventually she might get disgusted and leave.

[Cat1864]

I understand what Jake is saying, but I think we have different understandings of the question. My understanding of lightray's post was that this happens in all social settings-work related gatherings, friends, family, etc.

What I found most interesting about his post was the need to establish their bond during social events. It reads as though they are probably newly married and possibly even an arranged-type marriage. There seems to be some fear that if they don't fit together at all times then the marriage will fall apart. That isn't a healthy thought process for either person in a relationship to have. No couple fits together perfectly all of the time. Part of building a life together is learning how to spend some time apart without being afraid.

lightray, you mention putting her energy into one person. Try looking at it instead as gaining new energy to put into your relationship. While she is coping with a social situation in her way, you do need to do the same. Instead of spending your energy getting upset exchange it for new energy. When you go home together you will have new stories to share. It is a part of keeping a relationship from becoming stagnant.

One thing I do agree with Jake whole-heartedly on but in a different way, is being aware of where your spouse is. As I said in the previous post, not hovering but every so often making eye contact or checking-in just to make certain that everything is okay.

I just had another thought, if you are out to dinner with friends, family, co-workers, etc. and sitting at the same table or if you are hosting the gathering, then it is rather rude to talk to just one person. That would definitely be something she should consider learning how to work on.