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Torrid13 · Jul 10, 2009, 06:41 PM

My good friend, Martin, died last week, after a long battle with cancer. The last time I got to talk to him was in April, and he said some goodbyes "in case" he didn't make it, but I kept it light-hearted and tried not to be negative.

His cancer got painful to the point where he couldn't talk on the phone (his family lives in Texas, I live in North Carolina now), answer emails, write letters, do anything, really. I was then diagnosed with some medical issues of my own (mental illnesses) and I went through a very painful breakup with my boyfriend of over a year. I was so caught up in my problems that I didn't think about Martin as much as I should have.

When I got the message he died... I was shocked. I knew it was coming... but yet I didn't. I won't be able to go to the funeral, and I feel absolutely guilty. I feel like I abandoned my close friend, and I feel like I will never get to say goodbye. I'm writing his family a letter and donating money to the cancer foundation he founded shortly before he died (it's called "I'm Dying to Tell You Something"), but I don't feel like that's enough, or ever will be to make up for my neglect.

My friends here didn't know him, and my parents weren't as attached as I was, so it's hard for me to talk and feel like someone understands. I talked to my psychologist today, but I don't feel like it helped.

Has anyone ever felt this way? Is it normal? What do you suggest I do?

jenniepepsi · Jul 10, 2009, 06:57 PM

*hugs* I'm sorry your feeling this way hon. From what I understand, while its not 'normal' it can be common to feel this way. I know that after seeing your psychologist didn't help, you should continue seeing your doctor. Its going to be hard, and its not going to get better after one or two sessions with your doctor.

*hugs* good luck.

zippit · Jul 10, 2009, 07:13 PM

You should know this that your good friend was more grateful for the times you were there for him than anything else,I don't think that on ones last moments that they would be concerned with where so and so is or what so and so is doing for me,it sounds like he made his call to you.you said he made some good-byes in the call.
No hun those where the good-byes
You have nothing to feel guilty about and I'm sure as your friend he wouldn't want you to feel that way.

Wondergirl · Jul 10, 2009, 07:13 PM

My healthy father died suddenly, dropping dead of a massive heart attack between sentences. None of us got a chance to say goodbye and were sad beyond belief.

We all wrote several pages about our fun with and memories of him, put it into "book" with a plastic spiral binding, and gave each contributor a copy. You could write your own stories of your good memories of Martin and send them periodically to his family. Keep Martin's memory alive in your conversations.

We planted a tree in my dad's memory. Where you live, plant a small memory garden or create a special glass terrarium filled with living plants and maybe chameleons (?) in his honor or buy a corn plant or ficus for your living room.

Find ways to celebrate his life. He would be the first to tell you not to weep for him, but to remember him with joy.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow;
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning hush
I am the quick uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.

Mary Frye 1932

Torrid13 · Jul 10, 2009, 07:17 PM

I just feel so guilty. Like a horrible friend. :( I've kept myself busy, went out with friends, took walks, went to movies, anything to keep from thinking about it, but I seem to think, "Wow...he'll never get to do this again...:(" and I just feel terrible.

I don't know if I really did anything wrong to make myself feel so guilty. He stopped responding to letters and phone calls, so maybe I'm being too hard on myself? I just... I don't want to feel like I abandoned him. Yet I feel like I do. Or deserve it.

Wondergirl · Jul 10, 2009, 07:19 PM

Originally Posted by Torrid13

I just feel so guilty. Like a horrible friend. :( I've kept myself busy, went out with friends, took walks, went to movies, anything to keep from thinking about it, but I seem to think, "Wow...he'll never get to do this again...:(" and I just feel terrible.

I don't know if I really did anything wrong to make myself feel so guilty. He stopped responding to letters and phone calls, so maybe I'm being too hard on myself? I just...I don't want to feel like I abandoned him. Yet I feel like I do. Or deserve it.

It's called survivor guilt. Read my post below and DO some of those things.

Torrid13 · Jul 10, 2009, 07:22 PM

Thank you guys for your encouragement.

It's always someone else's friend, you know? Someone else's family member. I've had people in my family die, but none of them were close to me at all. But this... it's right next to my heart, you know? It's unbelievable it happened it all, like you're dreaming, but at the same time it's absolutely crushing.

I think planting a tree or starting a garden would be a great idea.

We both write, and he asked me to continue writing for him when he's gone. He said I was always able to write what he didn't have the strength to anymore. Maybe that's God's way of letting him stay alive in my life.

I just wish he didn't have to go.

Wondergirl · Jul 10, 2009, 07:28 PM

Originally Posted by Torrid13

I think planting a tree or starting a garden would be a great idea.

Did he love dogs or cats or horses? Volunteer a few hours at week at a shelter or a horse rescue site.

Start a writing group at your local public library. He would have loved that.

Torrid13 · Jul 10, 2009, 07:32 PM

He really loved the beach. If I lived closer to a beach (closest one is 3 hours away), I think I would start a seashell collection in memory of him. But alas. :/

A writing group at the library sounds great.

I wrote a poem the day after he died in memory of him. Should I send it to his parents with the condolences card and donation?

Wondergirl · Jul 10, 2009, 07:42 PM

Originally Posted by Torrid13

He really loved the beach. If I lived closer to a beach (closest one is 3 hours away), I think I would start a seashell collection in memory of him.

Vacation collecting?

A writing group at the library sounds great.

I started one at my library last Dec. Ask if you need help and ideas.

I wrote a poem the day after he died in memory of him. Should I send it to his parents with the condolences card and donation?

That sounds perfect!

(I'm a Tar Heel, born in Kinston and grew up in Taylorsville.)

zippit · Jul 10, 2009, 07:50 PM

Have you looked up his obit yet?
Most papers have a on-line guest book if you haven't looked into that they are really great for reading and expressing feelings

Torrid13 · Jul 10, 2009, 07:53 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I started one at my library last Dec. Ask if you need help and ideas.

(I'm a Tar Heel, born in Kinston and grew up in Taylorsville.)

I was just about to ask you about that, haha. How would I go about starting one? I moved to North Carolina a little more than 2 years ago; I live in Fayetteville now. Nooott exactly the best part of NC (I prefer Wilmington and Asheville!) but it's become home to me now after living overseas a while.

Wondergirl · Jul 10, 2009, 08:10 PM

Originally Posted by Torrid13

How would I go about starting one?

First, call the library to find out if there is one already and, if not, if such a thing would interest them. Let me know what they say.

zippit · Jul 11, 2009, 07:08 PM

Torrid?
Have you did what I asked?

zippit · Jul 11, 2009, 07:26 PM

I asked if she checked out his online obit?
Read up

Torrid13 · Jul 11, 2009, 07:36 PM

Originally Posted by zippit

Torrid?
have you did what i asked?

I'm sorry, I haven't been home all day.
No, I haven't yet. I'm not even sure where to start with that one! I guess I would have to look online what paper would cover the area where he lived.

zippit · Jul 11, 2009, 09:16 PM

Most papers have a on-line guest book
Since you're a writer and close friend you would enjoy contributing to it

makapuu · Jul 16, 2009, 10:22 PM

I believe in spirits. Your friend's spirit is no longer confined to his human body. He knows what you are feeling. Instead of sending out feelings of guilt, send out feelings of love, of remembrance. It'll come back to you and you'll feel more peace.

Torrid13 · Jul 16, 2009, 10:28 PM

Thank you for your encouragement, makapuu. I've been really putting effort into developing ways to help people remember him and his life.

I wasn't able to start a writing group at my library, unfortunately. They said they weren't interested at this time. :(

But, I asked my parents if I could dedicate part of the garden in front of the house to Martin. They said that was a great idea, and want to help me. Now I just need to figure out what kind of plants to plant!

nicolewebster · Jul 16, 2009, 10:57 PM

[F]I lost my brother in April due to a massive heart attack. I also felt and sometimes still feel guilty. Like when I'm watching the sunset or laughing and having a good time in the pool with my kids. Your having normal feelings. Your friend knows that you cared deeply for them. Never have any regrets and you don't have to be there to say good bye. Write them a letter burn it and send the ashes floating. I hadn't seen my brother for about 2 years before he died due to him working or I'm working or just busy with families. It seem to help me when I did it. Maybe it will help you also.