[angelcake12]

I just found out that my 12 year old daughter was sneaking out to go hang out with her cousins I don't want to make her want to run away so how should I deal with this. I went over what could happen to her but what should I do next?:confused:

[ladynikki]

Well thinking back to when I did something just like that I remember getting a spanking but this only works if you've been doing it since they were young. In any case I think what keeps children out of trouble is when families do things together. Do something really fun that she will enjoy if you're a mom try a girl's day out reminding her of how much you love her. Invite some of her closest friends for a night out with the girls. When she does something right tell her how proud you are of her (if you want throw in some tears it always seemed to work for my mother). If you still need help try asking other mothers (even your own) or seek professional help.

I'm sure everything will turn out fine.

Love Nikki

[ldyastrid]

I'm wondering why she feels the need to sneak out to see her cousins? Why do you not want her to visit with them? That needs to be discussed.

Another discussion that needs to take place is one about feeling the need to sneek means she realizes it's wrong and does it anyway. If the need to sneek around or lie is there, she knows it's unacceptable, what makes the action so appealing she is willing to be defient about it?

The fear I would have, and I brought up to my children when they would go off without letting me know where they were is this... typically they didn't bring identification with them - I'm thinking they are home (or somewhere else that I know about) and if something happens to them, how can I help them? How will I know that they are in trouble? If they sneek out, I don't know what they are wearing, so if I need to describe them to the police, and have no idea of what they are wearing, that could hinder their investigation. I would tell them they mean the world to me, I can't protect them if I don't know what's happening - sneeking out puts a block in my way of protecting them - even when they think they don't need my protection, that doesn't stop my fear of something horrible happening to them. I want my kids to tell me what's going on - even if I don't like it - I can't help them if I don't know what's going on...

I told my (then) 15 year old that I needed to know if she was - or thinking about becoming - sexually active. Would I like it? HELL NO - but I'd rather her come to me and tell me what's going on so we can take precautions rather than finding out after the fact that she had contracted a disease or gotten pregnant. Turns out later she did become active without telling me and then when she found out the guy was cheating on her, she called me at work - hysterically crying... that day I made an appointment with my gynocologist to get her tested for everything under the sun and explained to her why she had to have all these tests done and I was going to also get the results so we could deal with what the results were together. Can I stop anything now? No - but if there was something to deal with, I could help her much better than her friends. Thank God all tests came back negative.

My son has always told me much more than I needed/wanted to know about what was going on in his life with him and his friends. The one time he didn't, he got involved in drugs and that almost killed him... 6 months dealing with that - now at 23 he doesn't do any drugs whatsoever and talks to my 12 year old about how alluring they can be and what could happen to him years later because of stupid decisions made... I overheard him tell him "you are a really cool kid with a great imagination - doing something that alters your mind, which is what drugs do, would make you lose your imagination and stupid. I don't want to see that happen to you." My heart burst! Hopefully they will continue those kinds of conversations for a long time to come... a lot of times kids will listen to other "kids" rather than parents.

My older kids are now in their 20's - I have a 12 year old and a 20 month old (grandson) at home... the 12 year old already knows the "drill". When my 12 year old wants to go out after school, if I'm not in my office, he leaves me a message of where he'll be, the phone number and what he's wearing. He knows that's part of his being responsible - if he's lax on that, then he can't be allowed to go out and about - he's accepted that - doesn't like it... but it's better than being "held prisoner" (grounded).

Spending more time with her is always a good idea - not just when there are issues. Get to know your daughter - and let her get to know you. You won't always agree on things - but leaving the door of communication open - even for disagreements - is stronger than the pull from evil.

Good luck!