How can I help my boyfriend cope and move on after the death of his previous girlfriend? A little background of our situation. My boyfriend and I met and started dating in July of 2009. His previous girlfriend of 9 years passed away in Sept of 2008. He dated two girls prior to meeting me (one of them lasting 6 months). I was also in a relationship that ended with him passing away (April of 2007). It took me over a year to cope, recover and start living again. But I went through the full grieving process and got through it. After being with my boyfriend for almost 9 months now, I am starting to think that he still hasn't gotten through the grieving process and is 100% ready for our relationship. He tells me that he loves me and we have made plans to move in together at the end of the year. However, there have been comments and other actions on his part that make me think that he isn’t ready. For instance, he has his dining room table set up with her ashes and two large (12 x 18 Size) pictures of her. It looks like a shrine in honor of her sitting for the world to see. He has changed a few pictures out in his house from pictures of them to us but only 6 out the 20 pictures (I had to be the one to give him the pictures too). A few of the pictures are still in the master bedroom. Again, I have gone through this process and I know when people have come to terms with the loss and are ready to move forward again. I don’t think he is there yet. Should I just be patient and wait to see if he comes around? Or should I say something to him? Maybe suggest counseling? Not sure what to do at this point because I love him and I want to help him through this and not push him away. Any advice?

I have one quick question; why is he in possession of her ashes and not her family? Does he just have a small portion of them, or did she not have any family to give them too?

I agree with you that he is obviously not quite ready to move on; maybe he thinks that moving in with you will help move him to the next step, and that he will not hang the old pictures in your new place, etc. However, I would be very wary about that. I think it would be fair if you sat down and talked to him about your concerns. Make sure he knows that you love him and that you can honestly say you understand some of the feelings he has for this person, especially since you experienced something very similar in your own life. Let him know you are willing to be patient, but be sure that he also understands why you think he may need more time before moving in together. Maybe by being open and showing him this empathy he will be able to open up to you about his own concerns about the future, and together you can come to some sort of decision.

Thank you Big Auntie for your quick response. He still has her ashes because she wasn't close to her mother and she never knew her father. Her brother for some reason didn't want them, so he kept them.
He has asked that I be patient with him when I brought it up, and I have been trying. But its becoming very difficult for me to not get upset with seeing their happy photos together throughout that house. I think once we get closer to the time of moving in, I will have to have another talk with him and sxpress my expectations prior to moving in. I just hope by that time he will be more ready to move on. I guess only time will tell.

If it isn't something you feel comfortable about then you need to discuss these feelings with him. He needs to know and I think you need the closure. I am sure he is still having a hard time, just like you did, but he should move on after this long. Some may disagree with that and I understand everyone is different. You might want to suggest counseling to him to see if it might help him. If you move in together and nothing changes, I am going to guess you will get upset easier and eaiser and I don't think you want to do that over this situation. Just have a talk and see if he is ready.

I realize that you love him and I am certain that he feels the same way about you, given that... I have been dating a beautiful,wonderful man for three years now and he is in love with me;but is still grieving over his fiancé that passed nine years ago. He seems to be stuck in an emotional twilight and for some they feel their lives literally end when that person was taken from them. I have suggested counseling and try the best I can to understand but I do realize you NEED him to be present for you. So ask yourself this question... Are you ready for this? Maybe he will never get through this and is suffering from depression. Is he indecisive? Feelings of helplessness? Suggest couples counseling... that is my next move... and good luck! It's a hard road to travel.