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    Onclejean's Avatar
    Onclejean Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 23, 2008, 09:21 AM
    How to die quietly when too old
    I am a very old man, soon ninety years old, who served in two wars was wounded and recovered and still surprisingly able. My wife is seven years younger and unfortunately she is somewhat frail and her mind is deteriorating. She spends much of here time talking about the past, often on the telephone, and particularly reverts to the death of he father in a concentration camp at the end of the second war or her brother who killed himself a few years ago in a hunting accident. She is more interested in her childhood than in her children or grandchildren, her most frequent question is to me “Why don’t you ask……..” relating to a contact with some one from the past.
    In the meantime I do all the work for the house and living and never get a word of thanks. So I feel that my wife would be just as happy on her own in protected housing and that I would be better quietly dead rather than wait for the inevitable decay of old age. Unfortunately it does not seem possible to die voluntarily do this without leaving hard problems for the surviving a family, unless one has a fortunate accident.
    What advice can you offer for people like me?
    Eileen1218's Avatar
    Eileen1218 Posts: 145, Reputation: 8
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    #2

    Nov 23, 2008, 09:44 AM
    Well, in the first place you should be thankful that you are in good health and mind. You didn't mention any health problems you are having. As far as your wife goes it sounds like she has dementia.. she is sort of living in the past. If she can still tend to her personal needs etc. and that's a good thing. I know that your tired of doing all the work but, your time hasn't come yet to die and your wife can live w/ dementia a long time as long as her vital organs are still in good working order. Why don't you relax more and enjoy the time you have left. Maybe you can get some help and get a break from all the work you're doing.
    linnealand's Avatar
    linnealand Posts: 1,088, Reputation: 216
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    #3

    Nov 23, 2008, 10:54 AM

    I was very moved by your post. It's clear that you're having a very hard time with everything that's been going on.

    I assume your wife has been seeing her doctor regularly. If not, it's important that she goes. There may be some things her doctor can do to help. Alzheimer's has no known cure, and it's still not possible to slow the progression of the disease. Still, there are medications and treatments that can help alleviate some of the symptoms she's experiencing.

    I'm sure that you've had more than enough experience to know that sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. What you're going through is just one of those times. When these things happen, you just have to take a deep breath and keep trucking.

    My grandpa started losing his memory a few years ago, and it has gotten much worse very fast. My grandma is very lucid, and I know how hard it has been for her to watch him deteriorate and take on all kinds of responsibilities that she never had to worry about before. I know you're not alone in this.

    You might have a lot of reasons to consider talking to your doctor about your own situation. As people age, their chemistry changes, and with all of the tough stuff you've been handling, it would not be impossible to imagine that you might get depressed.

    The best thing you can do is to stay in touch with the social world to the best of your ability. It will keep you feeling active, and I'm sure it would help to break away from the house sometimes.

    I know that you're feeling like what you're doing is without thanks. I believe that every good act we do in life counts. Every single one. You might not see the results of those acts right away, but I'm sure they will come back to you one day.

    Just remember that your wife didn't ask to be the way she is now. I'm sure that if she had a say in things, she would be the one sticking up for you. Hang in there!

    If you can find a support group in your area, you might be a whole lot better off. If you have children, let them know that you're having a tough time with things. Maybe they can help.

    I wish you all the best. Stay strong! From the way you sound, you've got a lot of years in ya' to come. Make them count.
    Eileen1218's Avatar
    Eileen1218 Posts: 145, Reputation: 8
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    #4

    Nov 23, 2008, 12:09 PM

    It's amazing that a man your age is using a computer and even owns one... is this on the up-n-up... or is someone pulling our legs??
    Onclejean's Avatar
    Onclejean Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Nov 23, 2008, 01:10 PM
    I am not quite 90 but physically agile, as to computers I have been with them since the beginn9ing. I built some of the first Univac main frames using hand threaded rings for core meory (thats how it got its name). Thanks to the PC\Internet I can still earn money writing softare.
    linnealand's Avatar
    linnealand Posts: 1,088, Reputation: 216
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    #6

    Nov 23, 2008, 01:57 PM

    I forgot to mention this...

    I was confused by the title of your thread. What did you mean by it?
    Onclejean's Avatar
    Onclejean Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Nov 23, 2008, 02:01 PM
    I would like to die when I want to without leaving a mess behind for my family which is quite large, - I have great grandchildren.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,848, Reputation: 5428
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    #8

    Nov 23, 2008, 02:06 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Onclejean View Post
    I would like to die when I want to without leaving a mess behind for my family which is quite large, - I have great grandchildren.
    It doesn't work that way.

    What "mess"?

    You want to break your family's hearts and totally confuse many of them?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,848, Reputation: 5428
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    #9

    Nov 23, 2008, 02:12 PM

    You have to make all the arrangements to end your life when you are still healthy and mentally alert.

    At what point do you plan to end it all?
    1. when you are still healthy and alert? (sounds like a dumb idea if you are whole and hearty, still enjoying life)
    2. when you are senile? (that day may never come)
    3. after a stroke or debilitating heart attack? (you may not be able to communicate your wishes then)

    If you can't kill yourself, you will have to have someone in the wings who will help you die, which means that person will then become a murderer.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,848, Reputation: 5428
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    #10

    Nov 24, 2008, 12:20 PM

    Onclejean agrees: Sensible but insufficient
    I'm not sure why "insufficient." Did you want me to list the methods of "dying quietly"? Those can be found by doing a little research at the public library.

    The timing, as I had mentioned, will rarely be right. Either you will be too healthy and not want to "die quietly" or you will be too ill to make it happen. Case in point--I found out last night that an old friend who swore up and down he would "die quietly" and had the method in storage and waiting, has fairly quickly become mentally unable to carry out his plans.
    linnealand's Avatar
    linnealand Posts: 1,088, Reputation: 216
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    #11

    Nov 24, 2008, 05:05 PM

    Oh, onclejean...

    I was really hoping you didn't mean that. :(

    Darlin', just from the little I know about you from what you've posted, you have been leading a life fit for the books. You've fought in and survived two world wars. You've brought a big family into being; in doing so, you also spit in the face of those who tried to destroy your wife's family. None of that was enough to stop you.

    You've gone into some of the worst things this planet has seen, and you came out on the other side as a hero. And I'll bet that was still just the beginning. Think of all of the things you've accomplished in your time here on earth.

    I don't know if you call yourself a hero, but you are one to me. I'm sure that there are a lot of people who look up to you.

    There is no reason to start thinking about giving up when you get to the end. As a big computer person, I'm sure you love puzzles, games and riddles. I'll also guess that you've had a chess board or two in your life.

    You need to start thinking about the end game!

    (we're going to switch the sexes on you, but you can go back to being a man when the example is over. I promise.) :)

    Now, you're the queen, the most powerful mover on the board. Who is the other most powerful piece? He can't move very fast. It's the king. As I see it, your wife is the king. Do whatever it takes to protect her. Keep your team (your family and your own life) moving forward. Protect them too.

    Let's say you've been playing well so far. And then out of the blue, it looks like the tables are turned. It looks like you're in a tough place. What's the best thing to do? Do you quit? Never! You give it all you've got. That's the only way to play.

    Don't drop out of the game just because you're close to the end. You're a respectable man. When your time does come--on its own--everybody that knew you is going to be talking about what an incredible life you've led. Don't leave them to wonder about how you could do something like that for the whole rest of their own lives. I think it would scare them into thinking that life just gets harder. Or that it's too hard to be old.

    Don't let it happen. Let them aspire to be half of what they saw you to be in life, and let them be fearless about their own. You need to be courageous again. I'm sure you have it in you, and then some.
    sammychis's Avatar
    sammychis Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Apr 30, 2012, 03:05 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Onclejean View Post
    I am a very old man, soon ninety years old, who served in two wars was wounded and recovered and still surprisingly able. My wife is seven years younger and unfortunately she is somewhat frail and her mind is deteriorating. She spends much of here time talking about the past, often on the telephone, and particularly reverts to the death of he father in a concentration camp at the end of the second war or her brother who killed himself a few years ago in a hunting accident. She is more interested in her childhood than in her children or grandchildren, her most frequent question is to me Why don't you ask.. Relating to a contact with some one from the past.
    In the meantime I do all the work for the house and living and never get a word of thanks. So I feel that my wife would be just as happy on her own in protected housing and that I would be better quietly dead rather than wait for the inevitable decay of old age. Unfortunately it does not seem possible to die voluntarily do this without leaving hard problems for the surviving a family, unless one has a fortunate accident.
    What advice can you offer for people like me?


    I thought that this site would help and offer answers! Instead, I found, that for me to answer a question I needed to register with a credit/debit card number!!
    You total utter cunts! How can you use other peoples hardship to benefit yourselves?? Cock off!

    Sorry all you real helpless, I can't help you here!
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,848, Reputation: 5428
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #13

    Apr 30, 2012, 03:10 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by sammychis View Post
    I thought that this site would help and offer answers! Instead, I found, that for me to answer a question I needed to register with a credit/debit card number!!!!!!
    Not true, or I wouldn't be here. Registration is free and easy to do.

    What's your question? If you have one, please start a new thread. I've closed this one.

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