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    Mini_Her's Avatar
    Mini_Her Posts: 145, Reputation: 4
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    #1

    Dec 28, 2011, 11:47 PM
    How can I write my own obituary?
    I have a question. Is there a way to stop a particular person (a family from being listed in an obituary)? Like is it possible to write my own obituary so that I can list the family members that I want? It may seem crazy for someone to see me writing my own obituary considering my age (25) but I really want a permanent truce against three of my immediate relatives.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #2

    Dec 29, 2011, 04:46 AM
    Unless you are a famous person your obit is submitted by your family to the local paper. So you can write your own obit and leave it with your attorney to be submitted to your local paper upon your death.

    If you become famous, then your death becomes news and the paper will write what they want.
    Mini_Her's Avatar
    Mini_Her Posts: 145, Reputation: 4
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    #3

    Dec 29, 2011, 06:40 AM
    So is there a legal way to prevent a person from attending your own funeral?
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #4

    Dec 29, 2011, 07:10 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Mini_Her View Post
    So is there a legal way to prevent a person from attending your own funeral?

    Legal way - such as a Court Order? Protective Orders end at death, so that's not a possibility.

    Leave written instructions outside your Will, signed and notarized. (The Will is often read AFTER the funeral arrangements are made and/or completed. It is wise to leave "upon my death" instructions OUTSIDE the Will.)

    State that you want a closed funeral limited to "X, Y and Z."

    Appoint someone (who agrees to take the task) to enforce the Will.

    (I have experience in this. My husband left such instructions because he did not want a wake, showing, "public" service, for religious reasons. I followed his wishes.)

    I have also seen death notices which say "private funeral arrangements" and the family contacts people individually, specifying who is and who is not "invited."

    On the other hand - you'll be dead. Why does this matter?
    Mini_Her's Avatar
    Mini_Her Posts: 145, Reputation: 4
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    #5

    Dec 29, 2011, 07:27 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    On the other hand - you'll be dead. Why does this matter?
    LOL, good question. It made me laugh. I have deep grudges against three of my family members and don't want them to be part of or mentioned in my memorial. Weird I know...
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #6

    Dec 29, 2011, 07:29 AM
    Right, particularly weird because you are telling "us" how to respond to strangers and you have "deep grudges" against your own family members. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adopti...me-614215.html
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7691
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    #7

    Dec 29, 2011, 07:31 AM
    Tell them that you don't want them there. Legally there is really nothing you can do to stop them from going if they want to.

    The other issue with the will, most often it is not even looked at or read before you are already dead and buried. So be sure the closest family member, who would take over and plan your service, to know what you want.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #8

    Dec 29, 2011, 07:31 AM
    Not weird, but holding "deep grudges" is not good for you.

    But, whether you can make these instructions legally binding is highly unlikely.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #9

    Dec 29, 2011, 08:55 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck View Post
    Tell them that you don't want them there. Legally there is really nothing you can do to stop them from going if they want to.

    The other issue with the will, most often it is not even looked at or read before you are already dead and buried. So be sure the closest family member, who would take over and plan your service, to know what you want.


    I have actually been to funerals where people were excluded and asked to leave - sounds bizarre but in the legal world strange stuff happens. Who knew you needed security at a funeral?

    I have seen the same thing at funeral homes and wakes.

    I always think I'll be dead so does it matter? Apparently it does. Apparently hatred and bitterness outlive a person's earthly body.

    I will also mention that text speak has no place on the legal boards - and that includes "LOL."
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,850, Reputation: 5428
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    #10

    Dec 29, 2011, 08:58 AM
    Please realize that a "truce" is an effort to make peace ("An agreement between enemies or opponents to stop fighting or arguing for a certain time"). You had written "I really want a permanent truce against three of my immediate relatives."
    Mini_Her's Avatar
    Mini_Her Posts: 145, Reputation: 4
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    #11

    Dec 29, 2011, 09:02 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Please realize that a "truce" is an effort to make peace ("An agreement between enemies or opponents to stop fighting or arguing for a certain time"). You had written "I really want a permanent truce against three of my immediate relatives."
    Right, I want to end all contacts in a peaceful way. Them not being named in my obituary, and not attending my funeral would be peaceful... right?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,850, Reputation: 5428
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    #12

    Dec 29, 2011, 09:06 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Mini_Her View Post
    Right, I want to end all contacts in a peaceful way. Them not being named in my obituary, and not attending my funeral would be peaceful...right?
    Knowing how my family is, that kind of directive would start a firestorm. In fact, we recently investigated that very thing for a family member and were told by lawyers that anyone who wants to can show up at someone's funeral or burial unless stringent/strong-arm methods are used or the arrangements are not publicized/communicated in any way by those whom the deceased trusted.
    Mini_Her's Avatar
    Mini_Her Posts: 145, Reputation: 4
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    #13

    Dec 29, 2011, 09:08 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Knowing how my family is, that kind of directive would start a firestorm. In fact, we recently investigated that very thing for a family member and were told by lawyers that anyone who wants to can show up at someone's funeral or burial unless stringent/strong-arm methods are used or the arrangements are not publicized in any way by those whom the deceased trusted.
    So, what do you mean by stringent/strong arm methods? Would that be a way to prevent them from attending mine?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,850, Reputation: 5428
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    #14

    Dec 29, 2011, 09:24 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Mini_Her View Post
    So, what do you mean by stringent/strong arm methods? Would that be a way to prevent them from attending mine?
    (Armed?) bouncers at the door of the funeral home or burial site.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #15

    Dec 29, 2011, 10:01 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Mini_Her View Post
    So, what do you mean by stringent/strong arm methods? Would that be a way to prevent them from attending mine?

    They can't attend if people are by invitation OR show ID at the door!

    And, yes, it happens.
    Mini_Her's Avatar
    Mini_Her Posts: 145, Reputation: 4
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    #16

    Dec 29, 2011, 11:18 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    They can't attend if people are by invitation OR show ID at the door!

    And, yes, it happens.

    Ok so how do I make plans for an invitation only funeral? Or would that have to be done by someone else?
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #17

    Dec 29, 2011, 11:44 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Mini_Her View Post
    Ok so how do I make plans for an invitation only funeral? Or would that have to be done by someone else?

    Let me quote myself - number 4 in this thread:

    "Legal way - such as a Court Order? Protective Orders end at death, so that's not a possibility.

    Leave written instructions outside your Will, signed and notarized. (The Will is often read AFTER the funeral arrangements are made and/or completed. It is wise to leave "upon my death" instructions OUTSIDE the Will.)

    State that you want a closed funeral limited to "X, Y and Z."

    Appoint someone (who agrees to take the task) to enforce the Will.

    (I have experience in this. My husband left such instructions because he did not want a wake, showing, "public" service, for religious reasons. I followed his wishes.)

    I have also seen death notices which say "private funeral arrangements" and the family contacts people individually, specifying who is and who is not "invited."

    On the other hand - you'll be dead. Why does this matter?"


    The person you authorize to make the arrangements must agree to the arrangements, that person gets the original of this document, you keep a copy - and it's taken care of legally.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,850, Reputation: 5428
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    #18

    Dec 29, 2011, 12:38 PM
    Here's my story: I had POA for an uncle who was a childless bachelor. He wanted to be buried (not cremated) and that done asap after his death which he didn't want to be communicated to anyone (he was alert and sane, but in a nursing home due to physical failings).

    He did not want pre-burial visitation hours, nor did he want to be embalmed. He had already paid for the cemetery plot, the vault, and he and I finalized and paid for the funeral home portion. He wanted only his favorite minister plus me and my husband at the very brief graveside rites that occurred within 48 hours after he died. My uncle and I had composed his obituary together to his satisfaction. The only place it was published was in his local, hometown newspaper.

    Some of his former neighbors were somewhat upset that he had been buried so speedily without their knowledge, but he had been ignored by them while in the nursing home for several years, so their upset faded quickly. Any relatives were out of state and would not have flown in for the funeral, so that was not an issue.

    I guess, Mini, don't plan to die unless you are able to do like my uncle did with someone you trust to make sure things get done your way.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #19

    Dec 29, 2011, 12:48 PM
    WG, very similar to my late husband. His words (for religious reasons were): "I want you to walk me to my grave."

    And that's what I did. Family was upset - but I did what he wanted.

    He also wrote his obituary notice.

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