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    juliefenwick's Avatar
    juliefenwick Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Feb 23, 2014, 11:22 AM
    How can I cope when my boyfriend is dying?
    I'm not exactly sure on how to begin this question - my thoughts feel like they're scattered everywhere. This is one of the first times I have actually shared my thoughts with everyone and over all I'm just here asking for advice and help. I recently have seen some other girls questions & answers on here about them going through similar things, but I just really appreciated direct responses to my situation, thank you so much (this might be a long paragraph, sorry in advance).

    As you probably guessed, this questions is about my [18 year old] boyfriend undergoing cancer. Honestly, I feel so broken and torn to pieces when I think of him in the state he's going through. We're in different countries at the moment and not able to see him and we've been together for nearly two years. It's been the second day of knowing fully that he's been living with this and all I can do is cry. I have been going through stages such as: mourning/heartbreak (depression), questioning god, praying, trying to accept, etc. And it's just hard over all, hard to accept that this has to happen to him OR to anyone. As well as this, he has approximately 135 days till he dies - which doctors have told him. I know for sure that I will not be dwelling on the fact he's dying during the time I have with him, I will do anything to make him smile and talk to him as much as possible. I'm planning on making a video, letters, recordings and such to him. At this moment in time I have accepted that one day I will have to move on and I know that, and that I'll know to remember him as a person who I adored, loved and miss dearly. But I know it just rips my heart out because I wanted to spend my life with him, to be married, have kids and experience the world together - so it's hard to accept at the same time. I just don't know where to start - I don't know what to do and I'm so scared. Scared that he'll be alive one day and the next he's buried underground and never able to live again.

    But I think I'll end it here for now because I'm just rambling on too much - I'm so sorry, but thank you to whoever replies to this. Thank you so much.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert

    Feb 24, 2014, 08:11 AM
    I can't really advise much for you. This is a very personal journey and it is harder than dealing with most deaths. Most deaths are sudden, or relatively sudden, and not with a known timeline. Knowing that he'll never see another winter, or spring, or get to see his favourite sports team succede and win the top accolade for their sport is harsh to know. The second edge is that you've already started grieving for him and he's still alive and vital. This is expected and will make things difficult because you're going to be wanting to enjoying his company and making memories for yourself. The point here I would caution against is spending time recording and creating keepsakes that takes away from enjoying his company. It might seem backwards, but the more you record or save those things to film or whatever, the less time you're just being with him.

    There are no good answers, and all I can suggest is that you take time for him, and remember him after he is gone. Don't let his death taint your life though. When he is gone do realize that you still have 60+ years to live and don't spend all those mourning for him.

    Good luck and my thoughts go with you.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,302, Reputation: 7692

    Feb 24, 2014, 08:31 AM
    First if there is or not a religious faith, often that helps beings such events into a better acceptance.

    The other is, how many times have you two been together in person? Is it possible for you to go see him in person for part of this?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Feb 24, 2014, 08:56 AM
    'I'm planning on making a video, letters, recordings and such to him.'

    Planning? Get started. NOW.
    It will help both of you.
    Many of us have lost loved ones instantly, with no warning.

    Start NOW. Make every single one of those 135 days meaningful. Missing him before he's gone is backwards. You have your whole life to miss him. He will be part of you forever, no matter how your life turns out, who you are with, how happy you are. Everything significant becomes part of who we are. You don't drag it along with you like a sad lump, and you don't deny it or try to forget it either. It just IS. He becomes part of you.
    And yes, it's OK to do a bit of crying in a video, although he probably just wants to see what you are doing and feeling about ordinary things. No need to be so 'positive' that it comes out fake.

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