It's all so unbelivable. I'm 35 years old and I have never in my life time known love, until I meet her. She meant so very much to me in so many different ways. We were only together for about 8 months before she went but I knew the moment we meet that I wanted to spend all my life with her.

We meet and I was going threw a divorce. I quit my job and was denied unemployment Benifests so I had no income. Went threw a couple of other jobs and just reciently got one I think I will do well with. But I struggled hard about my finances. She never carred though. Which was so different because she was only 24 and so beautiful. She had a son that was 3 and she was just so grown up. Never wanted to go out to the bar or any of that stuff. We would just hang out in eachothers company and talk, kiss and touch each other. She was truly amazing. I could go on for days about all the good things but I won't right now.

In the days leading up to her death I felt like I was on cloud 9. Then some bad news came and everything started to change. I mean it was personal stuff. Nothing that had to do with my girlfriend but I think she blammed herself for it. The evening before she died I went to her and told her I didn't want to continue living the way I was and that I need to make some changes. I told her that I needed to get myself some help and that I was disgusted with the way my life was turning out. I was losing everything. My house, land it felt like everything. I just needed to be alone for a while and try to figure things out. I knew I was going to need some help because I had never been threw anything like this before. I touched her foot and kissed her toes then hugged her and finially said I have to go. By the time I had gotten home she had called me sever times. I called her back and could hear the sadness in her voice. I didn't have enough gas to make it back to her house and I was tired and it eas late. So I asked if she wanted to just stay on the phone together. I told her we could sleep together over the phone. The next morning her phone was dead and I don't pay much attention to it as we had been on it all night. After not being able to get a hold of her the whole day I called her mom the very next morning. She told me Ashlee was no longer with us. I lost it. And I think her parents blam me. I call them every day but they don't take my calls. I have only spoken to her mom twice and they were very brief conversations. During the funeral there was no mention of me and no pictures of us or me. He rmom only gave me a half hug and her dad turned his shoulder to me after shaking my hand. It's sad and it hurts as I want to be around them but what I truly want more than anything is to be able to talk to her again. I want to be with her. I have been considering taking my own life so she and I can be together again. But before that I was hopping to talk to her. But I have been unable to do so. Can anyone help me? Am I being stupid? Can she see and hear me? Why doesn't she come to me? How can I be with her, I mean really be with her? Please help please

Thank you

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I understand why you are hurt by her family. They are obviously so hurt by the loss just as you are. They probably don't blame you, they just haven't come to terms with their feelings. They will come around, and see that it wasn't your fault. It isn't your fault. She made the decision, not you, so don't blame yourself.

Taking your own life is not the answer. Life does go on. Taking your own life is just a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Time does heal wounds. You won't feel like this forever. You should get some couselling to discuss your thoughts and feelings. You are obviously going through so much right now, and talking about it to someone can help. Taking your own life will not help.

I really feel sad about all this and I totally empathize with you and the hard times you are going through. But like mjl said taking your life away will not resolve the problem. Others do not even have the blessed chance you have, so you better respect the opportunity given to you and not discard it this easily no matter how sad you are.

You can connect with her through the good memories you will always have with you at all times. You will never be able "to be with her" the way you think so do not torture yourself with this thought. You can also visit her in her resting place if you have access to it, if could be a good place to talk to her place flowers or whatever you want

And don't bother with psychic things and spiritualism because even though sometimes it seems as if they do make contact with certain "entities" from the research I have read I learned that they are not your loved ones but actually just entities that take on the identities of people familiar to you so they gain your trust and make a connection with humans (if you believe in all this that is)

Try to find closure. Maybe it will become easier to go on with your life once her parents understand your side of the story and the feelings you are going through. Anyway no one is asking you to completely forget her but think about other people that matter to you in your life or people for whom you matter (even the ones you are still not aware of)
NEVER TAKE DECISIONS WHEN YOU ARE FEELING DEPRESSED , SAD, FRUSTRATED ETC... you will most likely take the wrong ones. Always wait for when you are feeling more stable and try to live through your sorrow you don't have to fight it all the time, but just know that there is always light at the end of the tunnel! Life has a lot to offer, have a bit of faith.
I wish you well. Take care.

PS: like it was suggested it would be easier if you found someone to talk to maybe a close friend or relative or even a specialist if you feel you can't or don't want to go on. Don't lose hope.

Thank you for the kind words. I have started to able to get threw my days without breaking down and crying. I know if only her parents didn't blame me and would just spend time with me talking about the life we shared things would be much easier. Plus I had hoped that I would be able to hang out with her son and let the kids play together. I know it wasn't my fault. Everyone says it. But I my days. Some days I feel terrible that I didn't see it coming. That I wasn't able to recognize all the signs and the seriousness behind them. I have started to pray for her and her family that everyone may find peace. I also started writing them a letter. It's a letter of the life Ashlee and I shared. I'm sure I'm leaving some things out that may upset them but just about everything is in it. I was hoping that after they get the letter maybe they could find a way to let me in. It was especially hard for me at the funeral. The days leading up to it were hard. Not just because Ashlee was no longer but because I had very little support. They all gathered together and supported one another, looking over old family pictures. While leaving me in the dark the whole time. It wasn't until I was almost demanding that she told me about the viewing and funeral. Saying, I know you need this for you own mental health. I mean how impersonal was that? Then telling me that if I went after like 5 or 5:30 no body would be there that would cause a problem. I felt like I was going to have to sneak in just to view my lover. I almost didn't even go to the funeral, but I knew I would always regret it if I didn't. When I got there I walked up to her father to shake his hand. He acknowledged me by name, shook my had and turned his shoulder to me. I hugged her mom but I sensed and felt not welcome or wanted. There wasn't one picture shown of the two of us. There was a picture of her and her ex. Even though this guy cheated on her and she hadn't had anything to with him for the past year. It hurt my feelings. I felt like for the first time maybe I didn't even know her. The pictures they put on her memorial site reflected nothing of the life she and I had together. She was cremated and her parents are keeping the ashes so I don't have a place like that to visit and share thoughts. I think the grieving process is harder when it's a suicide than an expected death or accident. I mean... I don't know death is just hard, it's so hard to live and remember. I miss her and pray that she at peace and happy in her new life. I wish I could talk with her and know that knows that I choose her. I choose her today, tomorrow and forever.

This is a poem she had printed over a picture of us kissing.

" My heart is filled with love by the very mention of your name,
The very sight of you does things to me I can't explain.
The thought of you still thrills me like the very day we met.
The tender times we shared I will never forget.
The feeling of your body being so close to mine is like nothing I have ever known at any other time.
I see something magical in everything you do, the dearest thoughts I have are memories of you.
I love you Andre for today, tomorrow and always."

By Ashlee Robinson

Her parents are just looking for someone to blame for their loss and I guess YOU are it! And they want to make sure they hurt you as much as they can. I hope the letter works to clear out things, but if it doesn't, don't bother yourself with them and try to move on. Why should you care what they think or say about you, you know what happened and you know how you felt and how you feel today, so if they don't cool down after a while don't torture yourself with that. They will just rejoice from seeing you in your low state. If you are searching for their acceptance this hard it's as if you have something to reproach to yourself, so if you don't , try to look over this and just try to find closure. You are a strong man despite everything, and I am sure you can overcome this! Just be patient, such things usually take a bit of time.

I'm so sorry about your loss. Don't blame yourself... its not your fault. It was her decision and you have to learn to accept that. With time, everything will get better. They say When it rains it pours.. but you got to make it through the rain and sooner or later everything will be all right. There will be an explanation for everything. So don't be so hard on yourself. Take care of yourself.. Take some time out to figure things out. Spend some time alone and clear your head. Go on a vacation alone. It will help... Be strong..!

Dear friend, First of all, know that I am with you in your loss. A person's passing is never an easy thing, however, it is an actual part of life believe it or not. I know there is pain and hurt and you may feel overly anxious because of the separation. But know that it is only a temporary separation and you will be able to see her again but at your *Appointed* time when your mission here on Earth is fully finished and God is ready to receive you back into spirit. I realize you want to be with her but considering taking your life is no answer because there are dire consequences with such action. People often feel that suicide is the miraculous panacea to their worldly ills. It is not. It starts a chain of spiritual events that ends up in the spirit world, often in the lower parts of the astral realm and the action you took on the Earth plane can continue to haunt you there for eons. You must also know that facing such a situation in the Afterlife is infinite. You do not want that for yourself as she would not want that for you. Now that she is at peace she can see things with a whole new and different perspective and knows that you must go on with your life. You have much left to accomplish in your Earthly mission.

You ask if she can see and hear you. Yes, that is an aptitude of those who have passed on because God has told us that life is Eternal. Spirit vibrates at a much higher rate than we who are incarnate. Therefore, while she can lower her vibrations to meet Earth's (and thus yours), it is much more difficult for you to see or hear her although she may be nearby.

You ask why doesn't she come to you. Just because a person has passed on to spirit does not mean that they are available to those left behind on Earth every single moment. Learning indeed continues in Heaven, although time and space, as we know it, does not exist. Also, each person making their transition will learn how to communicate with those left behind but at their own rate of learning according to individual capability. Therefore, it may take her some time before she is able to communicate. Much happens after the transition into spirit and many learned Ph.D.s and M.D.s as well as others have interviewed those who have had a NDE (near-death experience) and virtually everyone, from across the globe, tells the same story of what they see and experience during the moments they had left their body and were declared "dead". Of course, we know now that there is no death. It is only a passing from one dimension unto the other in a higher vibration. The Holy Bible also assures us of that in 2 CORINTHIANS 5:1 (KJV).

There is a website you might consider interesting in spirit communication. There are Scriptures that tell us that these are gifts that should, of course, be used for only benevolent purposes with God's permission.

How to Make Contact with Your Loved One

May God help you and be with you during this time and may His Only Begotten Son Jesus Christ give you the strength to go on. He can if you but reach out to Him! For your sake and hers, this is something to consider.

I am sorry for your loss. Her poem touched my heart and I know she truly loved you. Her solution of you leaving her was too much for her to bear.

Yes, you can see her again but it might be a few months until this happens. You will be asleep and she will come to you in your dreams. Yes, it really is her. It won't be a long dream either and she may not be able to speak to you but you will see her. She may have her arms outstreached as if to hug you. I've had dreams about my mom and husband this way but I didn't get the dreams right away. Sometimes it takes a while as each soul must "rest" awhile and regroup themselves.

You can talk to her literally if you like out loud also. She may come to you when you are awake by the way of familiar smells like her perfume or hair shampoo or a cigarette smell. She could even caress your cheek or you feel a slight breeze when there should be none. If you have little things moved around on say your dresser, she did it. She has not left you by any means if she loved you as much as I feel she did. I find it most sad that she could not wait for you to sort out your life though.

Please be assured that she is with you and you will see her again on the other side one day or sooner should her determination to be with you allows her to come through to you. Don't go to a psychic either as that's not a good idea. As I feel she will come back to you on her own as soon as she can figure out how. You'll see.

It is hard, I have lost two wives, one was shot to death and another died of liver failure. I did two things, when I would visit their grave I would often sit and just talk. But with moving often I don't get to do that, but now after many years ( I forgot how many until I started adding it up now) I don't visit the grave site often any longer, but I do sit alone and look up into the stars *** may be wrong direction for one of them** but still talk to them. I don't know if they hear me or not, but the talking helps a lot.

It will get better over time, and if you are having a lot of trouble, see a doctor to get help getting though it. If you need to talk I am here.

Yes! Those are excellent ways by which spirit communicates with those on the Earth plane. Don't forget the following excellent website for discussions concerning communication with our beloved departed.

After-Death Communication - Prayer Wave: After-Death Communication - Prayer Wave

Thanks again for the responses you have sent. The last few days have been hard. In fact I don't think her death has gotten any easer for me at all. I want to go to her and be with her. I would give anything to rewind the time. I want so badly to be with her again that I have decided to take my life. There is nothing left for me her. Nothing has meaning or purpose. I was able to find a place where I can get potassium cyanide. I should be getting it in the next few days. It is supposed to be very affective and certain. I hope that it will be quick and pleasant. I was hoping I could get some advise on how to try finding her once on the other side.

Hi, dre drizzel? I truly hope you are still around. I am just writing you because I went through a very similar situation and I would just ask you to please hold on! I had a close friend, we were intimate and good friends,not committed, but I cared about him a great deal. He took his life in my old apartment and I didn't see it coming, and I was the last person to be with him before he died. We had an argument, I told him I was leaving for a while to cool off and I came back and found him. His family did not know me very well either, and though the family was nice; I was not the mother of his children; or the one everyone knew about as a girlfriend at the funeral.
Its been 2 years now and I have been where you are. I even had to stay in the same apartment where it happened for a short while a well before I moved! I went through the SAME feelings you did. I truly understand your hurt, and that it doesn't go away with time unless you deal with it.

Please talk to someone, grief counseling, regular counseling; that's the only way that you will start moving through your issues and feelings of loss and regret. and wanting to end your life and be with that person. I just started seeing someone about it about a month ago; and it has helped TREMENDOUSLY.There is something about sharing your feelings with a person who doesn't judge you, lets you share all your thoughts and feelings, and has grief techniques and ideas to get you through day to day life.

I suffered emotionally about that situation for almost 2 years before I went to counseling, and now my days are so much better than before.

Trust me; find a good couselor and they will help you deal with your pain. I will be praying for you. Don't give up!:)

Greetings again, dredizzel,

What I am hearing you say makes me indeed very sad. Mainly for you but also for that special lady you love. In your present state of sorrow, your normal defenses are down and that is when negative opportunistic spirits can take over, literally taking advantage of your weakness and they can instill thoughts in your mind such as what you are saying you want to do to yourself. Know that this is not the real you talking. God gave you your life so that it could be lived to its fullest potential. To end it at will is to rob God of that gift which He who Created you gave to you from His most caring and Loving Sacred Heart. You are stating all that is negative since you are in that mode of thinking and feel that it is easy to take that way out. Please know and understand that suicide is never the answer! It is just the beginning of a whole new set of problems for you in the Afterlife.

Let me explain. When you decide to terminate that precious gift that God gives to you, your life, you decide to turn your back on God. Your last sentence is asking for advise on how to try to find your loved one once you are on the other side. This will prove very difficult for you to say the least. Since you would have terminated your Earthly life, you have thus created a whole new set of circumstances for yourself along with new vibrations of a lower order that will actually prevent you from seeing the person you believe would be there to find. So, please abandon that thought now. Just because she is gone due to similar circumstances does not mean that it is also for you to follow suit, no matter how bad you now feel. It would not be a blissful state if you were to meet up with her. Your having taken your life will surely follow you into the Afterlife and will continue to a point that will not give you rest nor time to enjoy with her whom you love and want to be with. This is based on many studies on the Afterlife and people who attempted such things as you suggest you would do. Your lady would be very disappointed in you trying to emulate what she did, simply because she now realizes the terrible mistake she has committed but there is no way to rectify it such as by returning to physical life once again. A suicide begets the dark state of that person's thinking in the Afterlife therefore, you would not be able to be blessed with and enjoy the Light of God throughout your eternity there. It would not be like going there and expecting to see her again and everything would be beautiful and happy ever after. This, due to the fact that you would have played God with yourself by taking your own life. Yes, you have free will, however, you must be cognizant of the fact that there are dire consequences in using that free will for the wrong reason or purpose.

Another thing to consider is that it will not be "eons" of time before you would finally join her when God is truly ready for you to go. Know that in the Afterlife there is not the same time and space as we know it here. Therefore, even if it took you another fifty or so years until you make your own transition, to her on the other side, it would be just about as long as it would take to bat an eye. We make our own "hell" right here on Earth and many inevitably suffer from it thinking that is the way out. It isn't. You are Smarter than that. You are STRONGER than that. You have to LIVE for her right here on Earth as she would want for you to do. Don't you know that she is capable of seeing and hearing you speak about this? Do you want to know something else -- what you have written here about suicide is literally breaking her heart! Do you want to arrive there in a state of eternal confusion for the action you took, not being able to enjoy your time eternal with her? Or would you rather arrive in a peaceful state where she too has had time to reflect upon her misfortune in taking her life and be able to embrace her at your appointed time and know that life can now be peaceful because you had the COURAGE to wait until God called you home.

That is what is at stake here. This is what you must consider. Because life is precious in God's eyes, Spirit is speaking very loudly and passionately at this moment letting me know these things I am writing about and that you must take care of yourself and Be Aware of the consequences that can follow. As for your loved one, show her your Love by seeking other forms of help like professional help from those who can speak to you in your distraught state. You must promise me that you will not do anything hurtful to yourself. Make that call and then let us hear that even in your missing her, you have decided to LIVE for her rather than to foolishly "die" for her. For it is in LIVING that you can have Peace and Tranquility when the time comes for you also to exit this world. It is in knowing that when it is truly your time as God has ordained, she can come to meet you and there will be no fear of eternal darkness and pain inevitably to be suffered as a consequence of your Earthly actions, which would result in deep regret from a higher perspective of understanding. Give her at least that, if not for yourself, do it for HER. She would expect no less from you. If you truly love her as you say you do, do not contribute any more to her pain by making it any harder than it is. Show your Love, which she can feel, embrace and truly appreciate, by not hurting her and disappointing her by your proposed action. May God bless you and help you to understand these important words.

A Most Helpful Place: USA NATIONAL Suicide & Crisis Hotlines - When You Feel You Can't Go On... Call a Suicide Hotline. / SuicideHotlines.com - Direction for immediate crisis intervention for the gravely suicidal & treatment for major clinical suicidal depression.

Greetings. I just wanted to know that you are still with us because I care. You must realize and understand that suicide is a very selfish, harmful and horrific act of no self-control on your part. You do not realize the harm that you would be causing others who Care for you and Love you. The way you feel now, you would be causing many others to feel should you take the wrong step and leave this life. So, for your sake and the sake of others, Do Not Do It! Stay here and weather the storm. The day will come when you will look back and realize that it would have been more than absurd indeed dastardly for you to have even thought that you could escape your life and rejoin her by what you wanted to do. Again, let us hear from you! We know you are upset but you know what? We also LOVE you very much and will be here for you whenever you need to talk. May God Bless You Always!

Yes, the pain is stll there, but there is always more to go for in life, an killing one self is not a way to be with anyone, The way is to live in respect of their memory and to live you life in respect of that memory.

I am still here for a few more days. You have given me a lot to think about. I just don't think God would keep her and I apart. This is all sooo much to handle. I just... well... I will say good bye so your not left wondering.

If not for your sake dred, for the sake of all those who know and love you, WAIT. I am asking you to do this for all the lives you have touched. You have to realize that most people who take their own lives, if they would have waited just three more minutes, things might change and they would not have done it. You don't say how she did it, whether by pills, etc. and I am not asking you to share this information. I just mention this so that you might realize that perhaps she didn't mean to complete the act. Perhaps it was a call for help and she thought someone would find her in time. To get to that point that fast, there had to be more going on in her life than your taking time away for a bit.

So much goes into a discussion like this. For me, I believe in Jesus Christ and have asked Him into my life. Even so, this did not keep me from feeling a pain so deep in my heart I thought I would die of a broken heart. Until my dad and nephew died two years ago, I would have said talking to someone who passed would not be something I would even attempt. My personal belief is that I don't believe we should "talk to the dead" in terms of the way we generally hear about it. I think perhaps you just need to find a quiet place and have something of hers to hold in your hands, a note, a card, a photograph and just cry out and scream it if you have to that you miss her. That you desire to be with her. The kind of cry you cry when you mourn for the loss of a loved one is deeper than any cry I have ever experienced. One has to go through it as one has to go through several stages while mourning. Talk, cry, scream until you just feel totally empty of words. Do it as often as you need to releasing the deep emotion you are experiencing.

Just WAIT... Please realize you always have the option. But once you make the choice and go through with it, you no longer have that option. I know you feel broken, disjointed right now. That is not unusual. Not having been married to her or officially into the family by way of engagement or whatever, makes it difficult for her parents to include you. They are grieving deeply, they are dealing with other family members going through this pain also. They are not against you. They just don't know you well enough to allow you into that very private circle of mourning they are experiencing.

I screamed out, "Daddy I needed you to stay here. I can't do this without you. Why did you leave!" I screamed out to God, "What were you thinking? I need Daddy in my life. He was my earthy anchor." In my heart, I knew this would not bring him back but I had to release those emotions I was feeling. I had three dreams later, several months later. I believe to be God-given. (All my life, I generally dream frustrating dreams, chaotic, not God-given) There was a time to say goodbye in the dream and peace followed. Ask God to help you... ask Him to comfort you and this girls family as they grieve. Ask Him for the strength to get through each day, trusting that this experience will help you to help many more people down the way in your life. God understands our anguish, our pain. He understands our anger. Bad things happen to good people. My nephew was just 37 and died just before Daddy. I know it is not the same as the kind of love you had for this girl. I was so angry. That is part of grieving.

We each have a choice. You are hurting and this seems to be your answer but what about the good things that are in store for you here, if you choose to grieve this out, remember the precious times, begin to smile again, and have a productive life that helps many others.

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I have only shared my experiences with you the best way I know how to encourage you to choose life. She chose death and you see the devastation it has caused so many. Please choose life.

"Hey it's me" That's what she always said first when leaving me a message or sending me an e-mail.

The day after my lst post a couple of police officers visited me at my house. They told me they were concerned for my safety and read to me the exact words I had written here on this thread. I was shocked initially and couldn't believe how they obtained all the information. They said I basically had two choices. Willing go with them to the hospital and possibly be discharged within a few hours or Be taken and have to spend 72 hours before being discharged. Of course I was choosing my first option. But after spending some time talking and they discovered I was seeing a therapist and in fact had an appointment scheduled a couple hours later they asked if they could call him. After talking with him they shared about some of their life struggles and asked me to promise not to miss my appointment. Not only did I make my appointment but it forced me to open up more about my feelings of depression and thoughts of suicide with my therapist. He is really good. I went threw 1 other before him and am lucky I got him. He has roughly 20 years of experience dealing with suicide and it's grief process.

After I got home I canceled the order.

I don't want to be the Dad, Son or Friend that causes any of the pain I am going through. That really has been the single factor that gets me forcing my mind to think differently. And Ashlee always said she loved how driven and motivated I was. We even got into a small argument one time when I was being totally negative about all my financial short comings. She later wrote me a letter telling me how I must not be the man she fell in love with because the man she loved would never let life kick them around and quit. She never ever could see a quieter in me and I don't think being one now would reflect how much love I truly have for her and my loved ones. I think back and wish I could have seen life the way she did and been able to help. Then I get mad. I just have these days where my brain won't switch channels and all I can choose to do is try and figure everything out. But I can say they don't completely crush me evertime and they don't hit as often.

I'm pretty tired and going to head of to bed but before I go I want you all to know how thankful I am for your support and responses. It touches my soul that people I have never known or met care so much about myself and others that they take there time to share their strengths and wisdom. Thank you. And I'll finish the store later too

Dredrizzel, you sound so much better! Thank you for choosing life. I am so proud of you. Keep those positive thoughts foremost in your mind daily. I am so glad that you posted and found a place where people genuinely do care deeply about people.

Stay in touch! :)

Oh I am so happy for you! I am glad that you chose life. Keep it up and I will be praying for you:)