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    tsteven26's Avatar
    tsteven26 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 30, 2008, 02:47 PM
    Death and funerals.
    Does anyone have any advice on dealing with funerals? Yesterday I got 2 phone calls, the first was to tell me a friend (like a mother to me) passed away. Then an hour later got another call that informed me my dad passed away. My father was very abusive and I never liked him but, I can't stop thinking about the two of them. I thank you for any advice.
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
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    #2

    Mar 30, 2008, 03:11 PM
    You shoud do something to honor the mother figure. Whether it is sending flowers, a note, phone call or visit. As for the father, You can not help how you feel, he was the parent and for whatever reason could not be the parent you needed him to be. Do what you feel is proper for you.

    I am estranged from my father as well and have often thought how will I feel when I find out he has passed. So I decided not to hate/resent him even though I can not love or respect him as a father. But I can care and respect him as a fellow human on this earth. I have decided that I will be grateful that he is my father simply because he helped make my birth possible.
    Do not burden yourself with what could have been. It is what it is. Just be happy that you are on this earth and are given a chance at another day. You have the control over your life. Please don't live in the what ifs.
    May you find peace in a troubling and uncertain time.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692
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    #3

    Mar 30, 2008, 04:01 PM
    When my first wife passed away, my one son did not attempt the funeral, she was a terrible mother and I don't really blame him for not going, but after time he has regretted it, and it is one thing he can never change.

    But write to them, keep a journal of your thoughts, one for each of them helps
    passedconfused's Avatar
    passedconfused Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    May 8, 2008, 02:27 PM
    Okay love, here goes...

    As painful as death and funerals go, they are inevitable. Death may close the life of someone, but it is you, who determines whether the chapter they shared with you is now closed. For your mother figure, love her more. Pray for soul and pray for sweet release of her spirit. The memories you guys made will comfort you in the long haul. For your father, do the same. Love him more. Pray for his soul and for the sweet release of his spirit. Why? Because if you hold on to the negativity it will hinder you from moving on.

    These two situations are mere stepping stones for what is to come and the impacts you'll have on another's life. Think about it... do you not believe that the experiences you have had with both will tailor you to better a better person?

    You'll be fine
    progunr's Avatar
    progunr Posts: 1,971, Reputation: 288
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    #5

    May 8, 2008, 03:05 PM
    I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, it is a painful experience.

    I've been to my share of funerals. Grandfather at 9, Mother at 12, Grandmother at 13, too many aunts and uncles in between, and my Father at 38.

    I have always wondered who came up with the idea of a funeral to begin with.

    I can honestly say, I wish I had never gone to any of them.

    The part that sticks with me, and I can't ever seem to shake, is the picture of them in my head, in the casket, at the funeral.

    What I want to have as a picture in my head, is how they looked when they were alive and we were having fun and enjoying life. Instead, I'm left with images that didn't look like the loved one I remembered, and is more powerfully embedded in my mind than all the times I saw them before.

    It really is a personal decision and I can see where someone might regret not having gone to one, but for me, I don't plan on attending any more funerals. I might be inclined to attend some type of family get together following the service but I will not view any more loved ones in a casket.

    I have chosen to be cremated so that none of my relatives will ever have the problems I do now.

    What ever your choice, I wish you the best with it.
    tsteven26's Avatar
    tsteven26 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    May 8, 2008, 05:30 PM
    Thank all of you for taking the time to answer. I've decided that I have to live life in the present not in the "what could I have done past" I wish my father peace and forgiveness,
    For my other Mother Mrs. Mae I will remember the fun times we had together (like setting off firecrackers outside her neighbors door when they wouldn't turn down their music) We did a lot of fun things together too many to mention but I am grateful that I had the chance to know her.
    Thanks again for all your help. :)
    KISS's Avatar
    KISS Posts: 12,510, Reputation: 839
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    #7

    May 8, 2008, 05:47 PM
    progunr:

    Every time I go to a funeral I'm always reminded of my first funeral, when I was 3 years old, of my grandmother who had lived with us. Touching the body was so traumatic, that I won't touch one today. I probably could, but I haven't.

    What I don't understand is why the word funeral has the word "fun" in it.

    A agree, that remembering the good times is better than remembering the bad.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #8

    May 12, 2008, 10:26 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by KeepItSimpleStupid
    progunr:

    Everytime I go to a funeral I'm always reminded of my first funeral, when I was 3 years old, of my grandmother who had lived with us. Touching the body was so traumatic, that I won't touch one today. I probably could, but I haven't.

    What I don't understand is why the word funeral has the word "fun" in it.

    A agree, that remembering the good times is better than remembering the bad.


    Speaking from recent experience my husband did not want a funeral, did not want a service - said "some day," when I'm up to it I should have a memorial service and celebrate his life, which I am doing this summer.

    I buried him by myself, just me, the funeral director, the cemetery workers... and my husband.

    The problem is without ever seeing him in his casket I really have no closure. I was with him when he died, logically I know he is dead - emotionally sometimes it's really difficult and on the bad days I wish I had seen him one more time, for myself, not for him.

    Perhaps the memorial will bring things to a full circle. I don't really know but I currently have no closure.

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