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    lemon14's Avatar
    lemon14 Posts: 143, Reputation: 9
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    #1

    Sep 1, 2012, 07:18 AM
    Afraid of death
    I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm terrified when thinking that one day my parents will die, my friends, my future husband etc. Even if I wasn't close to a person, but I knew him/her while they were alive, I'm still terrified. If I don't know the person I can see death as a normal part of life, but I cannot accept that somebody I love can die.

    I haven't had these kind of thoughts for about 5 years, since I first experienced death in my family. I remember grandpa died and I even if I missed him for a while, I managed to go on, but my life has lost its sense. I mean, what kind of life is that to live without your dearest people? Now that I found out my father could die in a few years these fears came back and I cannot think of anything else, I lost all my hopes for future and I am even afraid of what lays there.

    What I find the most difficult it to accept that a person could simply go dead, not moving, not talking, not hearing, nothing, just dead and never alive again. I find it such a cruel thing that can happen to a human and throwing him into a grave and covering him with soil. Really, I can't bear it. I also think that when I will start losing all my friends and dear people, I will probably be old and I will have nothing left to do with my life either, but wait to die, too. I'm really terrified of that bitterness. People are my life, my joy, my sorrow, my world, my all, I can't stand to lose them. I just wish we could all die at the same time, so I don't have much to suffer, but that's impossible, though.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #2

    Sep 1, 2012, 07:30 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by lemon14 View Post
    I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm terrified when thinking that one day my parents will die, my friends, my future husband etc. Even if I wasn't close to a person, but I knew him/her while they were alive, I'm still terrified. If I don't know the person I can see death as a normal part of life, but I cannot accept that somebody I love can die.

    I haven't had these kind of thoughts for about 5 years, since I first experienced death in my family. I remember grandpa died and I even if I missed him for a while, I managed to go on, but my life has lost its sense. I mean, what kind of life is that to live without your dearest people? Now that I found out my father could die in a few years these fears came back and I cannot think of anything else, I lost all my hopes for future and I am even afraid of what lays there.

    What I find the most difficult it to accept that a person could simply go dead, not moving, not talking, not hearing, nothing, just dead and never alive again. I find it such a cruel thing that can happen to a human and throwing him into a grave and covering him with soil. Really, I can't bear it. I also think that when I will start losing all my friends and dear people, I will probably be old and I will have nothing left to do with my life either, but wait to die, too. I'm really terrified of that bitterness. People are my life, my joy, my sorrow, my world, my all, I can't stand to lose them. I just wish we could all die at the same time, so I don't have much to suffer, but that's impossible, though.


    I don't know what your question is - or is this a discussion?

    I was widowed. You go on when you lose a loved one. You have to accept death.

    People aren't "thrown" into a grave and covered with dirt.

    If these thoughts and feelings affect your life you need to speak to a professional.
    lemon14's Avatar
    lemon14 Posts: 143, Reputation: 9
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    #3

    Sep 1, 2012, 08:27 AM
    The question is: how can I change my view towards death?

    I'm sorry for your loss and for "offending" death, but this is how I feel, it's not my choice to feel this way.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,850, Reputation: 5428
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    #4

    Sep 1, 2012, 08:41 AM
    Everything dies. Being alive also means being vulnerable to death. Autumn is coming soon. Leaves will change color and will fall off as they die. I've buried beloved cats and myriad small animal pets and even a hermit crab. I am at an age when I know more dead people than living ones.

    How to get past your fear of death and of losing loved ones? There is much to be said in having a healthy respect for death. You don't want to harden yourself and disengage yourself so much that you lose the ability to weep and to mourn in a healthy way.

    I suggest meeting with a counselor or even an area minister/priest for a few sessions to see where that takes you.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #5

    Sep 1, 2012, 08:51 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by lemon14 View Post
    The question is: how can I change my view towards death?

    I'm sorry for your loss and for "offending" death, but this is how I feel, it's not my choice to feel this way.

    Oh, but it is your choice. What have you done to change your feelings so it's not your choice?

    I don't think it's healthy to be your age (I believe you said you are 19), uneasy or unhappy or thinking about death and loss.

    I something else going on in your life?

    You didn't "offend" death, but you were crass.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,850, Reputation: 5428
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    #6

    Sep 1, 2012, 08:54 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    Is there something else going on in your life?
    Good question and one I should have asked.
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    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #7

    Sep 1, 2012, 08:58 AM
    I did my own research: twenty-nine separate questions asking for homework help. I believe OP could be in over her head at school.

    Also two personal questions about how to cope - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...e-595232.html; https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ex-637043.html

    I'm not so sure this question is about death.

    I do note that when OP's Great-grandmother died her concern was how to sell the Great-grandmother's purses and nothing else.
    lemon14's Avatar
    lemon14 Posts: 143, Reputation: 9
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    #8

    Sep 1, 2012, 09:03 AM
    Actually, there are a lot of things going on in my life: I work in shop a couple of hours a day, I read a lot, I hang out with friends, go to the gym etc. I don't have time to get bored or worry about unimportant issues, but these news really shocked me and brought a lot of dark memories and fears.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,850, Reputation: 5428
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    #9

    Sep 1, 2012, 09:06 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by lemon14 View Post
    but these news really shocked me and brought a lot of dark memories and fears.
    What news?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #10

    Sep 1, 2012, 09:08 AM
    lemon14, each new baby, each generation, is here to replace us. They are also here to take care of us as we fade away.
    You are about 19. I am 65. My parents are dead and other family, friends and significant men in my life are dead. My current dog just passed me in dog years. I often think to myself, hey, I'm ready to go anytime. I am decrepit compared to many people I know of my age group. I don't like the modern social trend that wants to keep everyone alive forever, and wants to live forever themselves. It isn't a viable society when the young have to be horribly burdened with taxes to take care of too many of us older folks. I watched doctors and hospitals suck Medicare dry keeping both my mother and father alive, and neither of them liked it. Both rebelled and came home and died, which they would have been much happier doing sooner rather than later.
    If you want things to think about, talk to your father, and ask him how HE feels about all this!
    lemon14's Avatar
    lemon14 Posts: 143, Reputation: 9
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    #11

    Sep 1, 2012, 09:11 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    I did my own research: twenty-nine separate questions asking for homework help. I believe OP could be in over her head at school.

    Also two personal questions about how to cope - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...e-595232.html; https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ex-637043.html

    I'm not so sure this question is about death.

    I do note that when OP's Great-grandmother died her concern was how to sell the Great-grandmother's purses and nothing else.
    I'm sorry to add that it was not my concern after her death. She died 8 years ago, I never met her, so when I entered her house for the first time it was like a museum for me. Please, do no misunderstand me, I don't sell anything I find in someone's house, it happened that I was told to either keep the purses for me, give them to somebody else or throw them away. I thought it was fine to try to sell them out since they are not my style.

    And if this question is not about death, what is it about?
    lemon14's Avatar
    lemon14 Posts: 143, Reputation: 9
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    #12

    Sep 1, 2012, 09:13 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    What news?
    That my father is sick and he could die soon.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,850, Reputation: 5428
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    #13

    Sep 1, 2012, 09:15 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by lemon14 View Post
    That my father is sick and he could die soon.
    Like Joy said, ask him about this.

    You believe the grave is the end, or do you have any religious connection?
    lemon14's Avatar
    lemon14 Posts: 143, Reputation: 9
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    #14

    Sep 1, 2012, 09:20 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    You believe the grave is the end, or do you have any religious connection?
    I've always had faith in God but I still can't understand why people have to die...
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #15

    Sep 1, 2012, 09:26 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    lemon14, each new baby, each generation, is here to replace us. They are also here to take care of us as we fade away.
    You are about 19. I am 65. My parents are dead and other family, friends and significant men in my life are dead. My current dog just passed me in dog years. I often think to myself, hey, I'm ready to go anytime. I am decrepit compared to many people I know of my age group. I don't like the modern social trend that wants to keep everyone alive forever, and wants to live forever themselves. It isn't a viable society when the young have to be horribly burdened with taxes to take care of too many of us older folks. I watched doctors and hospitals suck Medicare dry keeping both my mother and father alive, and neither of them liked it. Both rebelled and came home and died, which they would have been much happier doing sooner rather than later.
    If you want things to think about, talk to your father, and ask him how HE feels about all this!

    In my eyes the thing to do is to talk to the "dying" person, in this case her father, and ask him what he wants/needs, how he feels. If OP is visibily concerned, unable to go on, can think of nothing else, she is doing him no good, no good at all.

    And I think living in pain, hopeless, is not the better alternative.

    And we are all dying, and none of us knows when.

    You don't understand why people have to die?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #16

    Sep 1, 2012, 09:27 AM
    People have to die because our planet is based on life that cycles, death makes way for new birth, not on a fixed amount of plants and animals that are 'made' and then live forever. Watch old Star Trek episodes for planets like that.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,850, Reputation: 5428
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    #17

    Sep 1, 2012, 09:29 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by lemon14 View Post
    I've always had faith in God but I still can't understand why people have to die...
    From a Christian standpoint, if you read the first three chapters of the Bible (Genesis 1-3), you will find out why we die. Other religions explain it in other ways.

    This would be a good thing to discuss with a minister or priest -- or go to your local library and check out books having to do with the subject. The more educated you become about death and how people understand/deal with it, the less the fear of it will be able to hold on to you.

    (I just finished the third mystery in a series of seven about the University of Tennessee's "Body Farm," three acres of land that have been set aside as "a research facility where human decomposition can be studied in a variety of settings. The aim is to gain a better understanding of the decomposition process, permitting the development of techniques for extracting information (such as the timing and circumstances of death) from human remains. Body farm research is particularly important within forensic anthropology and related disciplines, and has applications in the fields of law enforcement and forensic science" -Wikipedia. Fascinating stuff! Even dead people can help the living.)
    new2bmore's Avatar
    new2bmore Posts: 5, Reputation: 3
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    #18

    Oct 23, 2012, 06:13 PM
    Ironically didn't know someone else shared the same views on death as I did. As a little boy, death always concerned me, frightened me actually. I began to equate life as bing confied in a mayonnaise jar, no matter how low you go or how high up you go, one still cannot escape death.

    At age 50 with no children (and proud of it) I look back at my parents with anger and wonder why would you bring a child in the world who is predestined to "die" to me such a selfish act.

    Death is guaranteed to every form of life. It truly is something that we cannot avoid. Read the Serenity Prayer maybe, just maybe that will bring you comfort.

    My sincerest condolences on the loss of your grand pa...
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    sarvesraja Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Dec 20, 2012, 06:20 AM
    Birth is beginning, Every beginning has an end. We don't know, for what purpose we born? Same way we will die without knowing anything. Life is to live between birth and death.

    It is not like losing all the memories at the end. We are not have a storage of all memories from birth. Every day we are losing memories, one day completely. That's all. It is a journey. Your body is a vehicle which has lifetime to travel.

    Sarveswara Raja
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    keeks143 Posts: 149, Reputation: 3
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    #20

    Apr 19, 2013, 10:46 AM
    That happened to me. I would be up all night, convinced I was going to die. I couldn't sleep and would cry myself to sleep I was so fricking scared. One day I cried loaddsss and my aunty came up to my room and I went downstairs and we talked about it for hours, going into depth, and it REALLY helped. Now I'm still kind of scared, but not as much now I've accepted it. Honestly, it helps a heck of a lot to talk. As somebody who's been through it, I can understand you.
    Good luck and stay strong xxx

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