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    DoubtMel's Avatar
    DoubtMel Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 4, 2019, 03:33 PM
    Would you consider a man who is divorced but blames the ex for the problem?
    Hi I need advice on a matter. Been dating a guy itís only been a week and we have been talking everyday before that. He is sweet and affectionate. But He told me he is divorced it been 4 years. When I inquired about his ex wife and what the problem was? He told me that she was the problem (didnít give more details)in the relationship and about how the arguing and bickering became unbarrable. So he filed for divorce after 6 ish years of marriage. Off course there are two children. He doesnít see them often he says and pays for alimony. Describe how he has been hurt and is still healing from his broken heart. Said if I wanted to know more his family could answer few of my questions because they know what happened. Tried to help in mending their marriage. He said he worked so hard on his side to make things work but she wasnít willing to do anything so he ended it.

    Now this is new to me, my gut feeling tells me something is off with this guy. But at the same time, I am an empath and I feel like I should try to get some more info before making a decision of moving on and letting this guy slide.

    Any wise advice would be appreciated to help me take a decision.
    teacherjenn4's Avatar
    teacherjenn4 Posts: 3,998, Reputation: 468
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    #2

    Feb 4, 2019, 08:36 PM
    You’ve been dating him for a week. It seems like you want to know too much too soon. He’ll tell you more when the time is right. I’d be more interested in knowing why he doesn’t see his children very much, especially if he lives near them. Enjoy getting to know him and keep the dates fun. If things get serious, then I’d bring up these topics at that time if he hasn’t already told you on his own.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Feb 4, 2019, 08:46 PM
    Between your gut, your heart, or your empathy which feeling is stronger or makes more sense? Hard to tell after just a week if you can really know a sweet affectionate guy that well or how long the good stuff will last.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #4

    Feb 5, 2019, 05:29 AM
    In my years on this earth I have rarely seen when there weren't two sides to every story. You don't need all the information you seek in order to participate in the beginning of dating. Form your own opinions during this period and then when the honeymoon of a new dating situation is over. Remember neither one of you two have started to show your true colors as of yet.
    DoubtMel's Avatar
    DoubtMel Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Feb 5, 2019, 06:43 AM
    True regarding what all of you have mentionned. So far it’s all lovely dove! We are getting to know each other. He seems really eager and is the one that initiates the talks everyday! He mentioned he never got the chance to finish high school when I mentionned where I am in life. His a self taught mechanic for a long time. I’m unsure now. I haven’t dismissed him because he seems to have a good character and is stable no matter his level of studies. He did tell me he would like to complete it and do something else than mechanics for the rest of his life. But he would need help. By help he means support... part of me doesn’t want the burden to fix people’s problems. I am a great support system but I have been abused in the past for my kindness and care. So I don’t know.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #6

    Feb 5, 2019, 06:51 AM
    "But he would need help. By help he means support" - Warning sign.

    "part of me doesnít want the burden to fix peopleís problems" - that's all of me.

    My approach is to take it slow and make sure it's worth my time and investment. In my current relationship, which is now almost 9 years old, I took it very slow. Almost too slow. But we are going on 4 years of marriage and we are very solid. Remember speed kills in a relationship and in a really fast car with no brakes.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #7

    Feb 5, 2019, 07:00 AM
    I don't know either, but have fun as you learn more, and be aware you both have your own baggage to unpack, and levels of learning. So have fun learning and making up your mind. That's what dating is about, and leave the serious stuff for later when you know more.

    Only you can decide how much love, support, or help you give another, and when and if they DESERVE it. Just go slow or at your own speed figuring it all out. Commit to nothing till then.
    DoubtMel's Avatar
    DoubtMel Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Feb 5, 2019, 08:00 AM
    Thanks I will have fun discovering the rest. Iím also slowly trying to remove my fear from the dating world. I got such a bad experience in the past from a narcissist. That I feel like knowing everything now about someone. But these things cannot be rushed and I have to take the time to evaluate. I have sets of boundaries now that wonít let anyone cross. So yeah I guess you guys are right about it.
    DoubtMel's Avatar
    DoubtMel Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Mar 10, 2019, 11:00 PM
    update: So the guy told me he loves me wants to marry me have children with me all in one breath. I’m the best thing that ever happened to his life. He feels like he was in a very dark place but he sees the light with me. With that statement he told me a bit more about his past life where he was constantly moved from one boarding school to another since age 4. His father brought him back home during his teenage years. He never saw his other siblings that much and he was kind of disconnected from the family unit. He got abused in the boarding school and came back messed up. He started doing drugs, alcohol stealing and robbing people. But afterwords when he changed his bad friends to good ones. He turned his life around. He wanted to start fresh. He got himself a job in mechanics sobered up. Meet his ex-wife who was studying and working. He dated her and tried marrying her but her family did not approve of him from the begging. Her family and his got into a feud that he did not explain clearly why. His marriage preparation stopped abruptly because of it. Then he said he tried mending his relationship with her and it worked the second time around they finally got married after that break up. He said they were happy for a while until she changed. She stopped working and studying. They had children’s close to the year when they divorced. She made promises to him and never kept them. He said there is a lot more that he can’t really think of. So slowly each day he told me he has debts, a loan, he has no custody of the children (because the children where too small and the judge said they are better off with their mother.) I joked with him that how is he already planning to marrying me while he is submerged in debt. He said his almost done paying them off. It will only take him a year to clear everything. He also mentioned to me that he wishes if we live together that we share the bills. Again I joked, what if I don’t want to work anymore. His expression changed to not so happy but he then smiled and told me it will burden him because he doesn’t make enough money with his job and he is paying money for his children too.? He also mentioned several times how his ex-wife is evil. Ask for material things and claimed to the government that he never paid anything. It backfired on him and the government calculated how much he owed and asked it with interest. He claims he got his passport ceased because of her and just recently got it back...and so on...he also dreams of opening his own garage, getting a luxury car, own a house, travel...I also discovered his living with his parents right now.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #10

    Mar 11, 2019, 08:19 AM
    So with all this new information your decision is??
    DoubtMel's Avatar
    DoubtMel Posts: 21, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Mar 11, 2019, 08:56 AM
    Iíve noticed that he is accelerating things even though we said to take it slow. It is making me uneasy. He clearly is not ready to jump in a new relationship or even get married. The impression I got is he just wants someone with a stable income to solve his financial crisis and attain his dreams. In all of my conversations with him, I sense itís all about him and his grandiose ideas. I have to cut him loose since he seems to be super glud to me suddenly after only a month. I, even, canít seem to have space to breath with him, now.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #12

    Mar 11, 2019, 09:35 AM
    Those kinds of feelings after just a month of dating should not be ignored.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,303, Reputation: 7691
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    #13

    Mar 11, 2019, 04:50 PM
    What did you want him to say, I was a drunk and cheated ? Even if he did, he would not say that.

    Also even after 4 years, he may still blame her. I came home to find a man in my house, so yep, I blamed her and still do a lot. But after 20 years, I know I worked too much, traveled for work, which lead to some of it, but fault?

    So perhaps, don't get into too many past details so fast

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