Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
    Paralyed's Avatar
    Paralyed Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jun 5, 2008, 11:37 AM
    What the hell am I doing?
    What a mess I have made of my life. I met the woman of my dreams 10 months ago. Tall, beautiful, funny, sexy, great career, an absolute dream. Things were amazing immediately. The chemistry was out of this world. After a few months of dating we talked about moving in together and began looking for a place. One day at her place I had to leave to go do a few things. I wasn't feeling very well. She begged me not to go, and said she would get me some medicine and bring it back. I had to go, and told her not to worry about it. When I returned a few hours later, she had an odd look on her face. Her eyes were open wide, almost like she was in shock. I knew something was wrong. She said she felt overwhelmed and broke up with me. I returned later to talk more, and suddenly she asked me to stay. She was hugging and kissing me. I left anyway. Afterwards on the phone, she again said she still wanted to be broken up. This was just the first of many break ups. We got back together a week later.
    Then left me again, this time over the phone while I was on my way to see her. She told me she was going back to her husband, whom she had left several months before. I was stunned.
    I kept in contact for a few days hoping for some kind of explanation. Within a week she had left him again. We rekindled our relationship right away. Things became better than ever. Except for the fact that I was still hurt, and still looking for honest answers. Over Xmas while at a bar, we had an argument. She said some very hurtful and nasty things and made an ugly scene. There was tension for the next few weeks. I was now having serious doubts. I was under extreme stress and went to see a therapist. When I told her that I was going to see someone, she broke up with me the next day. I picked up my stuff from her apartment and left. After a few days of limited contact, she began emailing me. She begged me to come over and hold her. She told me how much she missed me, said she was f'ed up etc. I went out the next evening and she phoned me asking me to meet her. We met and went home together. The next evening she seemed stressed. After a little pressure she said "she felt like she needed to be alone, but, she didn't want to lose me". I left again 2 days later. After I did my best not to contact her, she posted pictures of us on her Facebook. This was most likely so that my ex would see them. She thought that I was going back to my ex.
    I confronted her about this, and told her she had issues. She denied posting the pictures, then admitted it, saying "i didn't do it to hurt you". We were back together a week later. This time, she immediately began talking about our future together. Getting a house, booking a vacation, having kids the next year. At this point, I had almost no faith that she wouldn't change her mind again. She smothered me with attention and affection. Clinging to me all the time. Getting upset if I didn't spend every available second with her. She seemed terrified that I would leave her. I would question her, perhaps too often, as to what was going through her mind. What had caused her to have all of these mood changes. She would sometimes get defensive, and we would argue a little. I always felt there was something she was hiding.
    One night, I decided to stay home and not spend the night. She seemed okay at first. She called an hour later very upset. She felt I wasn't committing. She wanted us to live together. I stood my ground and she said she wanted a break. I didn't talk to her for 3 days. She phoned and emailed repeatedly. I wrote back telling her that the relationship was dysfuntional and broken. I had to return again to get my things. I apologized for my email, but told her that with the way our relationship had gone we had to be patient. I told her that I was willing to try anything to make it work. She refused and said she wanted me to leave. She went out to a party that night. I receieved a phone call at 3:30 am that night. She hung up in my face.
    The following weekend she phoned at 4:30 am from a nightclub, asking me to pick her up. When I refused she got very angry. She told me I was immature and full of *****. She called me again several times when she got home. Like an addict I went over at 6 am. We spent the next few days talking. She admitted that her expectations were impossible for me to meet. She said she wanted to take things slow. Take our time. She admitted pressuring me too much. I had planned on going out with friends that Saturday night. I went out and she picked me up which I greatly appreciated. We spent the next few days chatting about us. I cooked her dinner, took her to a movie, curled up on the couch, went for long walks in the country. I did everything she enjoyed doing.
    After those few days, one of my friends tagged me in some pictures on Facebook. They were from the night I was out. There were a few pics of me with some friends that were girls. These are good friends that she has met many times and is also friends with on Facebook. She became furious. She accused me of having/wanting to have sex with them. She felt embarrassed and ashamed etc. She broke up with me again. She began phoning me the next evening. Deleted and blocked me on Facebook. Then ublocked me and emailed me. I wrote her to tell her how hard it was on me. I went out the following evening and she phoned me while she was at another club. She wanted to meet me. We met and went home together. We argued in bed, and she accused me of many things. She was drunk and being somewhat cruel with her remarks. She even talked about how her ex adored her, and never ever even looked at another woman. I told her that I felt abused by her. She began to cry and said she didn't know what was wrong with her. We are not officially back together, and I have told her that we are too different and that I can't be with someone that doesn't trust me. This has to end. I can't keep doing this. I am a good looking guy, nice guy, with a decent career. Why can't I stay away from this woman? Why am I in this childish relationship? I was once married to a mature, secure woman. That relationship didn't have the same passion as this one, but, at least it was stable and relaxing. I didn't have this kind of stress.
    The other day she mentioned that she might have mental problems. I have wondered if she has Borderline personality disorder, or if she is Bi-Polar. Her mother wasn't a loving mother. Her father kind of took on both roles. He died a few years ago with Aids. It turns out he was gay, and she didn't know until he was dying. His death still affects her to this day. She recently began seeing a therapist to deal with her grief. When she drinks, she gets extremely intoxicated. She tends to get nasty and has an electric tongue when drunk. This is when she has said some of the most hurtful things.
    The bottom line is, I do love this woman. She can be amazing. Being with her at times makes me feel like I have never felt before. But, I don't know how to make this work. Unless I completely change who I am. I have already changed so much. People that have known me all my life have noticed the change in me. And not in a good way. I really think she may have mental issues that I can't help her with. I have offered all the love and support I can. Perhaps I haven't always been consistent, but only because I keep waiting for her to change her mind again. How do I feel safe in a relationship with her? How do I fix her insecurities? I tell her numerous times everyday how beautiful she is. How do I leave someone I love, and stay away? Please give me some advice... soon.
    BMI's Avatar
    BMI Posts: 892, Reputation: 270
    Senior Member

    Jun 5, 2008, 11:54 AM
    Hey Buddy,

    First off, isyou user name suppose to say paralyzed (which is applicable) ordoes it read the way you spelt it Paralyed (indicating your paralyzed and being lied to, which is genius)?

    Seriously though, you got to see where this is going my man. If something does not change your faced with this situation the rest of your life! Imagine having to go through this for the next 10-15-20 years. Either she changes or you stand up friend and law down some harsh reality.

    I do not like her giving grief over other girls while she plays the ex-husband card on you, that's just wrong. Also, she does appear to be emotionally confused or even deluded. Her behaviour is odd to be sure.

    As for you, well your inability to not answer a call from her or show up whenever she wants you too is a major weakness on your part, sorry to say. You've shown her she can do as she pleases, you'll always return. In that sense you are enabling her to act this way. So really, put a wall up on her and begin standing up or hope she will change, otherwise the answer is pretty clear, run and never look back.
    Paralyed's Avatar
    Paralyed Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jun 5, 2008, 12:04 PM
    This is what happened this past weekend:

    I have posted here previously about my relationship with my girlfriend and her inconsistent behavior. We have been off and on the last few weeks, talking about things and trying to make it work. I went to a costume party on Saturday night, while she went out with her girlfriends. I had my phone plugged in to charge it at the party. She phoned and one of the girls answered it. I didn't find out until later. When I met my girlfriend at a club later that night, she was alone with several other guys. She was hanging off them and carrying on. I found it strange that she would stay at a pub after all of her girlfriends had left.
    She was extremely drunk, and seemed angry. When we left she began to get mean. She was upset that a girl had answered my phone, and according to her was a "@!##" to her.
    She verbally abused me in the middle of the street for about 10 minutes. I lost my cool and walked away. She called me asked me to come back and I did. We were going to share a cab, when she started to berate me again as we walked. She said we were too different, and that my friends were "whores" (sorry for the language). I walked away and she did too. I hopped in a cab myself and went home. She called shortly after and I was in bed. She was back at the bar, and I could hear all the men in the background talking to her. She started to curse at me again and I hung up. She phoned again from a cab and asked me where I was. I told her I was in bed. She got upset because "I left her". She then asked if I was coming over to her place. I said no. She phoned again when she got home, and began telling me off once more. I told her to call me when she was sober the next day. I eventually hung up after several minutes of abuse from her.
    She phoned once more and I didn't answer. The next day I noticed that she had emailed me on Facebook "we are un-fixable. goodbye". I didn't contact her the next day and that night she emailed again with "I'm sorry". I wrote back that I was sorry too. I haven't heard from her since. If you read my previous post you know what kind of person I am dealing with. I know I shouldn't miss her, but I do. It is very difficult not calling. I know if I do, it will be a great opportunity for her to reject me, like she has done so many times. I would at least love the opportunity to let her know how insane she acted, and that she probably has a drinking problem. In a way I want to get her help, but, maybe she doesn't really have a mental problem.
    Does anyone have any advice??
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
    Software Expert

    Jun 5, 2008, 12:20 PM
    Wow, what a story. Ok, here we go:

    ...I don't know how to make this work. Unless I completely change who I am. I have already changed so much.
    You can't make it work alone, and I bet if you were REALLY honest, you'd realize you hadn't changed that much. You HAVE changed your "idiot-tolerance-level"... you've jacked that one through the roof. But as for who you ARE, no, that's still pretty much the same.

    In fact, that's part of the problem. You're inability to indenture yourself to this manic-depressive-psycho-selfish-girl is "hurting her feelings." Oh my, imagine that, her feelings getting hurt? Who'd've thought that could happen?

    People that have known me all my life have noticed the change in me. And not in a good way.
    The change they've noticed is your joy is gone. And she's not doing that to you, YOU'RE doing that to yourself by standing under this tornado of a girl and not moving. It's your choice. You hate it, you try to get away, she ropes you back in... joy is gone.

    I really think she may have mental issues that I can't help her with.
    You think? (chuckle) No argument here. You need that on a t-shirt you can wear 24/7.

    I have offered all the love and support I can. Perhaps i haven't always been consistent...
    You think YOU'RE inconsistent? That's pretty funny. She's even managed to trick you into thinking her issues really ARE your issues. Not good.

    How do I feel safe in a relationship with her?
    She's decided that for you. You can't. She doesn't want you safe, she wants you lap-dogging. Are you a lap-dog or are you a man?

    How do I fix her insecurities?
    I'll presume that's rhetorical. You can't fix anything that isn't in you. You can HIDE her insecurities if you put on your lap-dog costume and stop having an opinion/life of any kind.

    I tell her numerous times everyday how beautiful she is.
    At this point, I'd rudely suggest you only compliment her insides... and do it accurately. Her looks are part of your problem. You have to look inside more than outside at this point.

    How do I leave someone I love, and stay away?
    That's easy, do the hard things. Leaving is about reclaiming your sanity. It's about YOU, it's about loving YOU enough to say "enough" to this loon.

    That means Mr. Nice Guy goes on vacation until you figure this out.
    • She calls, you hang up.
    • Train your email program to delete her emails so you never see them
    • Text messages are deleted instead of read, 100% of the time
    • Cell Phone number is changed (don't argue this one)
    • If she ever does get you on the phone, you say mean things to her:
      • "I can't hang around psychotic people, please leave."
      • "You're sorry? Thanks, now prove it - leave me alone."
      • "I know you're selfish, but didn't realize how dense you are. Stop - calling - me - dummy!"

    Of course it's over the top harsh. You DO want it to end, right? Remember, you only do this when she sticks her nose back into your life after being told not to. She's asking for it.

    Crazy nuthouse behavior NEVER STOPS unless it costs the person something. This would be the same if YOU were the nutjob. If you can get your toys back by just apologizing "sincerely", well, you usually learn nothing, except how to apologize well. Big deal.

    This means SHE might get better if you tell her she's nuts, tell her why, then leave for good. For GOOD. Unfortunately, it's the NEXT guy she dates that benefits from what she's learned. That's something, I suppose.

    You got to decide if you're actually interested in a healthy relationship or not. If so, you know what you have to do. Do it, coolly, and rudely later if she makes you. But you do it.

    Good luck, we're rooting for you.
    kangabitt's Avatar
    kangabitt Posts: 39, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member

    Jun 5, 2008, 04:09 PM
    I know this woman. Not this particular woman, but women like her. I also know men like her.

    There's a lot in her background that gives us a clue as to how she was raised and the problems likely started there.

    She probably does love you as well as she can. She doesn't trust that love, so she is constantly testing to see if you'll walk away from her. When you do, she panics. She walks away from you to see if you "care enough" to follow her. When you don't, she takes it as a sign that you don't love her, and the cycle begins again.

    This is her paradigm. She cannot control it without much therapy. She's not emotionally stable and as a result, neither are you. This is emotional abuse.

    This is what I'd call a toxic relationship, and although you do care for each other, it's not likely to change or get better - particularly when there's a lot of alcohol involved.

    Roller coasters are fun - for about 5 minutes once very few months. This, my friend, is a never ending roller coaster ride and not healthy, IMO.

    I wish you both all the best.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions


Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.

Check out some similar questions!

Will I Go To Hell? [ 44 Answers ]

I am in an abusive marriage with a Christian... I plan to leave and divorce soon... will I be doomed for a divorce?

Why the Hell! [ 8 Answers ]

Why the hell someone put everything into something and get nothing out of it? Why someone thinks that this is the best ever thing happened to you? And why that thing never realizes your worth and keep running away from you? Why the hell she says "I love you" and never behave like she meant what she...

What the hell can I do ! [ 12 Answers ]

Hey guys and ladis.. I know that so silly for what I ask for.. but any way I'll talk ;]. It's about Social relations , I feel like am afraid from all people around me.. stuck into my room.. Sorry about that, 2 post like the same question.. But for me no , really I feel scared when m going...

Will I be sent to hell? [ 104 Answers ]

Well I am beginning to think I am gay and I am wondering if I would be sent to hell for this. I hear all the time on TV about how god hates gays, and I'm not sure if I am gay but this isn't helping... Also what if I kind of do not believe in god? My family is not very church active,

What the hell? [ 3 Answers ]

All right basically, I have been dating this girl for 6 months. Not too long, but long anough to set in a hurtful mood for me. My ex decided to spread a rumor about me that I cheated on my current girl at the time with her which never happened, but regardless it never settles into her. Finally she...

View more questions Search