Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
    nameofthegame's Avatar
    nameofthegame Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 12, 2009, 12:19 AM
    An Unusual dilemma
    I met this girl couple of months back. We started of as good friends then became very good friends, in the first week itself she told me that she had a boyfriend and is very much in love with him. I was fine with it because all I wanted was a friend. We came closer and closer to each other, spoke for hours at a stretch, smsed till 4 -5 in the morning. (She use to lie to her boyfriend, that she isn't feeling well just so that she can cut his call and talk to me ) Since I am single, I had no problem chatting and talking to her for hours and to be frank I loved it too. We discussed everything and anything and many a times it drifted to adult talks.

    After some months, being so close to each other, I started having feelings for her and gradually fell in love. Before that itself, we use to say 'I love you' Since she was so close to me, I had no problem disclosing my feelings and she said that she loved me too. She loved me a lot but she also loved her boyfriend. Things hadn't been too good with her boyfriend and they had problems on some issues but they still loved each other a lot and that's what made them commit this long to a very serious relationship (3 years) She tells me that she hates her undecisiveness and she loves both of them, and doesn't want anything to change. She is still very much committed to him but she says that she isn't sure whether she would like to continue with him and is in a dilemma. Now the undecisiveness is taking a toll on me and making my life more and more complicated. She tells me to be patient and wait for her decision and this has been going on for 1 month now or more than that. She meets her boyfriend almost everyday and being human I get very jealous and keep thinking about her. I'm still a student and just thinking about her, I don't even study. I know I shouldn't do this but is uncontrollable. We still talk for hours everyday and she tells me that she loves me a lot and to be patient and be with her. If I talk to a girl for sometime, she gets so jealous that she says that she'd stop talking to me if that happens.

    And this is not the first time she's being undecisive, she had a similar problem with her ex, she liked someone else even when she was committed to him and he came to know and they broke up because of that.

    I'm a very spiritual guy and I feel guilty that I'm not respecting 'a relationship' Her boyfriend loves her a lot, and I feel that I am not being fair to him as well by doing this. BUT, I love her too and just a thought of leaving her, I get depressed and sulk. She keeps on telling me that she loves me immensely and if I leave her, she'll be shattered and wants me to be with her forever. She is a wonderful girl by nature but her undecisiveness I guess has always been a problem.

    Please think of it and reply, I'm usually a good adviser, but since I myself is involved in this, I can't think of it because I just love her and its going to be bias. From this point, I guess I can't step back and be just a friend. Either I just cut contact, tell her frankly or just continue and wait for her decision and in the bargain feel uneasy, jealous and think of her 24X7. Thank you guys :)
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
    Uber Member

    Dec 12, 2009, 12:26 AM

    This is the first thing in your post that stuck out for me personally.

    If I talk to a girl for sometime, she gets so jealous that she says that she'd stop talking to me if that happens.

    What right does she have to get jealous when your talking to a girl and threaten to stop talking to you if you do.

    When she is in a relationship doing the same thing herself.


    Anyway, You do realize that if she ever did break up with her boyfriend to be with you. It might be you she is doing that to with some other guy in the future??

    Sorry to say but it sounds like you both have some decisions to make.

    The ball is in your court. Do you wait around like a fool? Do you give her ultimatums because that is what she is doing with you.

    It is time for you to make a decision on what is best.
    nameofthegame's Avatar
    nameofthegame Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 12, 2009, 12:36 AM

    She doesn't want to make any decisions and just wants both of them for now. But I know for a fact that if I keep waiting, ultimately I'll be the sufferer cause if it goes against me, I'm going to have a hard time getting over it.

    And I do realize, that it can be the same with me what's happening to her boyfriend, but just to blindfolded and in love to think of that stage.
    bidingmytime's Avatar
    bidingmytime Posts: 92, Reputation: 13
    Junior Member

    Dec 12, 2009, 01:00 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by nameofthegame View Post

    And this is not the first time she's being undecisive, she had a similar problem with her ex, she liked someone else even when she was committed to him and he came to know and they broke up because of that.
    I don't think she is being indecisive. I think she just likes having two guys. Girls like to do that because it gives them a kind of emotional security. I know because I'm a girl and I've done this exact thing before. And I can tell you, she is not truly "in love" with either you or the other guy. If she were, she wouldn't be doing what she's doing. And especially if she has exhibited this kind of behavior before, it's more just her nature than her being indecisive. And that doesn't mean she's a bad person, she's not I'm sure but probably she has some issues she needs to work out...

    About love: she probably does love you and care about you, but isn't "in love" with you.

    So here is what I'd advise you to do- get out of this relationship. I know you love her, but you also need to think about what is best for you. Tell her you do still want to be friends with her and that you care about her, then you need to start talking to other girls and get out of this mess.

    Yes you will be depressed and heartbroken for a while, but it will go away after a while and you will be glad you broke things off with her when you look back at it later.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert

    Dec 12, 2009, 08:01 AM

    Love doesn't necessarily follow all the rules.

    A serious relationship does not involve sneaking around, being anonymous to the world, hoping that you will be chosen over the other man, or waiting and participating in a three-way relationship.

    While you have recognized that you have developed deep feelings for her, that is entirely dependent upon how she handles the other man, that she's been in love with for some time.

    You are too hooked to quit, and not hooked enough that you are exclusive.

    What do you expect in this three-way relationship. Who's needs are being met, and who's aren't.

    The poor boyfriend! He goes blissfully along, thinking everything is okay, and you hide in the shadows, talking dirty to his girlfriend, hoping she will dump him.

    Where do you think this is going. Why are you doing this, and is your self-esteem so low that you would settle for a controlling woman, who keeps two men hanging, while she makes up her mind who she wants?

    I would encourage you to think really seriously about carrying on like this. Can you ever really trust her, even if you did have her to yourself? Do you seriously think she's going to dump her boyfriend? Would you choose to be involved with someone who is, for all intent and purpose, not available?

    It is not healthy, and in the long run, the person you think you love, is not someone you can trust.

    Finally, an old rule of thumb, if the relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
    nameofthegame's Avatar
    nameofthegame Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 12, 2009, 12:19 PM

    Thank you Jake, Jesus76 and Biddingmytime, I've talked to her seriously and she has asked me for 6 months. She said she'll decide within 6 months and let me know. 6 months is just way too much. Do you'll think I should cut all contacts with her? Or just keep her as a friend?
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
    Uber Member

    Dec 12, 2009, 02:56 PM

    Cut all contact.
    jaime90's Avatar
    jaime90 Posts: 1,157, Reputation: 163
    Ultra Member

    Dec 12, 2009, 03:41 PM

    Love doesn't cheat. Love doesn't lie. Love is way more intense than "we talked a lot so we fell in love." Yes, you are being extremely disrespectfull. Why don't you read my response to your other related question... sorry to be so harsh, but if there's one thing I hate, it's cheating. (on top of that, there's been lying and deception. A relationship cannot survive when it comes out of lies, no matter how much you FEEL like you love her.)
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert

    Dec 12, 2009, 03:42 PM
    I'm with Jesushelper on this one. I'd be dialing out. I'd never be willing to put my life on hold for anybody, for any reason, for six months.

    You can do better.
    paxe's Avatar
    paxe Posts: 793, Reputation: 158
    Senior Member

    Dec 12, 2009, 08:15 PM

    There is plenty of fish out there, you just need to find the right single women out there.
    nameofthegame's Avatar
    nameofthegame Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 13, 2009, 02:15 AM

    I told her about the whole cheating thing, and she said that she know's its cheating and its okay if I step down.. but she wants us to remain the same.. talk as we always were.. say I love you.. etc
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
    Uber Member

    Dec 13, 2009, 08:24 AM

    No, not a good idea.
    paxe's Avatar
    paxe Posts: 793, Reputation: 158
    Senior Member

    Dec 13, 2009, 10:25 AM

    She's stringing you along, that's pretty horrible. She's getting the best of both world and you're letting her. Tell her you are going to apply NC. Down the road, would you like to be with someone who cheats? I doubt it.
    nameofthegame's Avatar
    nameofthegame Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 15, 2009, 11:17 PM

    I spoke to her frankly about all this, and one fine day she called me up and said that '' She's decided to give her boyfriend one more chance and she wants me to be there with her.. she also said that we wouldn't talk so much as we used too. Initially it was very hard for me to accept that and I said yes, that I'll be there for you whenever you want as a friend. But now its becoming difficult for me, not to talk to her the same way, to accept that we won't be talking so much. She still calls up, but its not that much. Being a friend just makes me very uneasy, but at the same time I do not want to loose her too, she's just too precious
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
    Software Expert

    Dec 16, 2009, 01:30 AM

    You already lost her... based on your meaning of "lost". If you don't have the emotional control to be around her occasionally as a "friend", well... then you don't, you'll have to stop listening to your feelings on this matter.

    Since the choice was hers and not yours, this is going to be harder on you. You'll just have to bear it... it will take as long as it does. Don't add to the length by feeding the "thoughts" with additional pining and "what-if-ing"... etc. Just let the feelings come and go on their own until they stop.

    They will.

    Precious or not is irrelevant now, isn't it? Time for some deep breathing exercises until this all passes.
    nameofthegame's Avatar
    nameofthegame Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Mar 13, 2010, 01:09 PM
    Please help.. she is so confused!
    Hello guys.. Just been having a problem since few months..

    I met this girl about 6 months back. We smsed each other. She told me on day 1 that she had a boyfriend.. and asked me not to flirt with her.. but I was taken aback when she started flirting the next day and used to tell me then that I din't know how to flirt. I enjoyed her company and started flirting with her.. with no other intention in mind. We use to only sms each other the first month. But we use to share thousands of smses everymonth with her boyfriend having no idea about it. We came very close to each other by exchanging these smses. She use to tell her boyfriend that she's going to sleep and talk to me over sms till 6 in the morning. I wasn't complaining. Cause I was enjoying her company and started liking her too.

    One day, her boyfriend came to know about her sharing so many smses and our friendship.. and he was very uncomfortable with it.. felt very jealous. We use to still talk a lot and she use to lie to him most of the time.

    They were in a serious relationship for more than 2 and half yrs.. and things weren't going good in the last 6 months cause of future instability.
    But they still loved each other.

    It had been almost 3 months and we came close to each other.. met couple of times.. spoke endlessly on the phone. Her boyfriend had a problem and he asked her to stop talking to me. But she negated and told him that he has to accept his friends. Finally one day he broke up. She says the main reason was that he couldn't take our friendship.

    We were close but were never physical. After her breakup she was very very sad. Cause she really loved him a lot. Meanwhile we came even closer. Got physical.

    I was really happy with ''us'' I was really thinking long term with her. Thought when she'd get over him, We could commit. We became so close we use to say love you many times and share everything.

    I used to ask her whether she misses her boyfriend.. and she used to say no no.. And I found out one day that she was cheating on me now.

    When I'd gone out of state, she met her ex cause he still loved her and she too. She met him couple of times and spoke to her on the phone slyly. For the entire month and never told me all that. When I used to ask, she just faked it, always. She even kissed her ex when I was out of state.

    Then her ex came to know somehow that she use to tell me I love you and tell him I love you too. Clearly she was double timing. Agreed, she was pretty disturbed that month. Her ex got my number and told me about that. I was shocked to know. How can she hide? I was so good to her. I always asked her whether she missed him or not.. everything.

    I was planning to leave her. I called her that night.. just to ask why did she cheat? Why did she back (She told her ex I was a big fighter cock... she told him that SHE WOULD NEVER COMMIT TO ME)


    She started crying. Anytime I ask her direct questions, she always.. always starts crying. She did it that night too. She said that I always used to fight when she mentioned her missing her ex and she din't want to lose me. But at the same time she still had feeling for her ex. So she said I'm sorry I was a selfish. She said that she was very disturbed and she was planning to tell me in few days.

    I hate people who fake and hide things. I couldn't believe the person whom I loved so much, hid and faked things. That night when I was out of town.. she switched off her phone, just so that I can't contact her and spoke to her ex for hours.

    She cried a lot that night and said sorry. She said that she has realized her mistake. And she was this new person now who would never hide or fake.

    Since I loved her so much and since she was really very important to me.. I accepted her apology.. but from inside it killed me that in my absence she hid, faked and kissed her ex and called him slyly all month long. That night she said she doesn't know whom she loves more. Me or her ex.

    Then next day, I asked her.. do you think of getting back to her ex. She said that there is a 40% chance. ( Few days before she promised me she'll never ever commit back to her ex)

    Now she says.. that she wants to get over her ex and commit to me in the future but has no surity. She said there might be a chance she might get back with her ex. I got angry and then she said give me 3 months and I'll let you know whether I can be with you.

    I'm really confused with this girl. She says she wants to get over her ex and at the same time says in future there might be a chance that she might want to commit to her ex but tells me there is a 90% chance that she might commite to me in the future.


    I love this girl. But now its taking a toll on me. I don't know what to do. Please help!

    Can't trust her at all after what she did to me.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855

    Mar 13, 2010, 01:42 PM

    Did to you? Are you crazy? You pursued someone who was taken, helped her cheat, instead of leaving her alone like you were supposed to do, and your mad at what she did to you? Unbelievable gall!

    You got what you deserved is the way I see it. And will get more of the same if you try to continue down this really stupid path.

    You both crossed the lines of good behavior, and will both pay the consequences.

    Its almost funny really, she cheated on him with you, and then cheated on you with him! Isn't that hilarious? Sure it is, and both of you guys are doofuses for even wanting a lying cheating slut like that and thinking you have something so special.

    Excuse me while I laugh some more.
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
    Software Expert

    Mar 14, 2010, 02:22 AM

    I think Tal is having a bad night... (hug)

    But even after you filter out the ridicule, Tal is still right.

    You've chased a cheater, helped train the cheater to cheat, freed the cheater, landed the cheater... now you have the cheater, just like you wanted. Right?

    There's an old Chinese Curse that goes something like:
    "May you find what you seek."

    Your story proves why this is a curse. You pursued this very thing, and you got it. So complaining now in any way about having a cheater is... well... to quote an insightful person... is "hilarious".
    Larken85's Avatar
    Larken85 Posts: 696, Reputation: 146
    Senior Member

    Mar 18, 2010, 11:40 PM

    I'll not be so mean as the others. Though they are right, it is said a little bitter.

    People look for certain things in people. You seem to look to be hurt. I know that cheaters can be seductive and make you believe they love you but let me tell you, you'll never know what love is until you find a girl that will be true. Love is shared with only one person and if there is a 40% chance that she is going to go back to her ex then there is a 99.99999% chance that she doesn't love you in the least. LEAVE HER AND STOP BEING A FOOL
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
    Uber Member

    Mar 18, 2010, 11:50 PM
    So this guy sets himself up to be with a girl who is in a relationship... and does so by depending on her willingness to lie to the boyfriend... comes back when it blows up and says he hates it when people hide things??

    Apparently you don't when it is to your benefit.

    What a load of sh!t.

    "cant trust her after what she did to me"... well, I agree with the can't trust her part...

    Just wish you manned up a little and owned the what you did to yourself by making stupid decisions part.

    Yeah... I'm not wearing soft gloves. I have little tolerance for cheaters and people who knowingly are with cheaters while cheating... and less tolerance for those who want to then cast themselves as victims.


Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions


Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.

Check out some similar questions!

Unusual dog behavior [ 4 Answers ]

I have a 5 year old toy poodle. For probably the last month or so, he has been chasing nothing. He's jumping, almost doing back-flips, running into the corner, trying to climb the walls. It's getting worse. He spends probaby up to 3/4 of his day chasing 'nothing'. When I watch him, it looks...

Old and Unusual Art Glass [ 3 Answers ]

What are some good sites for old and unusual art glass? I am looking for information about two specific pieces - one is a jack-in-the-pulpit vase, about 16 inches high and blue-green, possibly Tiffany or Stuben. The other is a lamp, with a glass base and top, probably layered, acid etched with...

Unusual talents [ 2 Answers ]

Hey does anybody here have any unusual talents??

Unusual creature. [ 1 Answers ]

Hey guys, I haven't posted for a while... Umm there's this animal, quite simaler to a wombat actually. Its this naked, very, very odd looking animal. I've seen it on YouTube and Google before, I just forget what its called and I would like to learn more on it... please tell me the name or ant...

View more questions Search