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nisharam · Sep 25, 2012, 11:46 PM

[I am divorced and deeply in love with a married man for the last 6 years. We both never wanted him to separate from his wife as he always said n proved too that he loves both of us. We cannot even stay together as I have a son who thinks we are friends and I don't want to confuse him with relations. Above all, his wife thinks we are best friends and inseparable and has accepted the fact, she trusts him and me totally. He has a daughter with the wife after we met. Now I am a little worried about my future as I've no family support. He is family but his wife and daughter...

Fr_Chuck · Sep 26, 2012, 05:33 AM

Is he supporting you, paying rent, What are you getting out of this, expect for second class sex after he leaves his wife's bed to come to you.

You must know it is wrong, or you would not be ashamed to let your son know about it.

You wasted the last 6 years, and you know it should end.

iheartcupcakes · Sep 26, 2012, 10:08 AM

You cannot possibly understand how much damage you are doing. You need to stop. NOW.

If you don't want him to leave his wife, and he doesn't want to leave his wife, then you are not in love, you are in lust. He doesn't love both of you. He loves only himself and is using both of you for sex or whatever else he is seeking.

I am not trying to be harsh but I am divorced because of adultery and I cannot put into words the pain I experienced at BOTH of their hands. The mistress (the nicest word I can bring myself to use right now) knew fully that he was married. That is completely disrespectful to me, and to the institution of marriage as a whole.

JudyKayTee · Sep 26, 2012, 10:26 AM

Originally Posted by iheartcupcakes

You cannot possibly understand how much damage you are doing. You need to stop. NOW.

If you don't want him to leave his wife, and he doesn't want to leave his wife, then you are not in love, you are in lust. He doesn't love both of you. He loves only himself and is using both of you for sex or whatever else he is seeking.

I am not trying to be harsh but I am divorced because of adultery and I cannot put into words the pain I experienced at BOTH of their hands. The mistress (the nicest word I can bring myself to use right now) knew fully that he was married. That is completely disrespectful to me, and to the institution of marriage as a whole.

I never understand this - one man involved with two women and the ex-wife's hatred is of the other woman, not the man who broke his vows.

The "other woman" owed you nothing. It's your husband who betrayed you, he's the one who disrespected you and your marriage. I don't know why when it's one man and two women the women end up hating each other.

At any rate where OP is concerned his wife believes you and your "boyfriend" are best friends. That means he lies to her on a daily basis, and she believes him.

How can you be sure he doesn't also lie to you?

iheartcupcakes · Sep 26, 2012, 11:38 AM

JudyKayTee,

Sorry if I was unclear. I didn't mean it that way at all. My anger and hurt isn't directed only at her. As I said, "I cannot put into words the pain I experienced at BOTH of their hands". I hold BOTH of them responsible, not just her. Of course, my ex-husband is significantly more at fault, but she did owe me the respect of not sleeping with my husband when she was fully aware the he was married. But maybe expecting common decency in this day and age is ridiculous. In any event, I did not address my ex-husband in my reply but put my view point as woman-to-woman because of the nature of this post. I truly am not trying to be contentious. It was just my hope that nisharam might understand that behavior is not harmless and would stop.

JudyKayTee · Sep 26, 2012, 12:58 PM

Originally Posted by iheartcupcakes

JudyKayTee,

Sorry if I was unclear. I didn't mean it that way at all. My anger and hurt isn't directed only at her. As I said, "I cannot put into words the pain I experienced at BOTH of their hands". I hold BOTH of them responsible, not just her. Of course, my ex-husband is significantly more at fault, but she did owe me the respect of not sleeping with my husband when she was fully aware the he was married. But maybe expecting common decency in this day and age is ridiculous. In any event, I did not address my ex-husband in my reply but put my view point as woman-to-woman because of the nature of this post. I truly am not trying to be contentious. It was just my hope that nisharam might understand that behavior is not harmless and would stop.

Again, I agree from an outraged morality standpoint, but I still don't believe that the "other woman" owed you respect. I'm an investigator, and I do matrimonial surveillances. I am almost always more offended by the lying than by the sex/affair. The husband looks the wife in the face an lies. In a very high percentage of the cases I work he also looks the "other woman" in the face and lies to her - he doesn't sleep with his wife, his wife is cold, he never loved her and on and on.

That, certainly, isn't license to cheat but, again, I'm not that quick to blame the "other woman." He is the one who owed you loyalty, and he is the one who broke your trust.

iheartcupcakes · Sep 26, 2012, 01:24 PM

Oh definitely. I do agree with you on that -about the husband and the lies. But, she also did some other things and that probably accounts for my feelings for her, LOL. But I am doing my best to move past it and not be bitter. But that's hard :/

You must have an interesting job. I know how crazy it can be. The day that my ex-husband left, he dropped me off at church with his mother. He said he didn't feel well but to call him when I got out of church and we would go spend the day together. He kissed me, told me I looked beautiful, and that was the last I saw of him as my husband. I got out of church and called, but he never answered. It turns out he ran off to Galveston with his mistress. I spent three days in torture not knowing where he was or if he was okay, only for him to call and say he was on his way home like hothing was wrong. Of course, I knew better. He lied and said he went off with old friends (men) from school and just needed to let off some steam. He insisted that I didn't know them but it was not another woman. Long story short, I was not dumb enough to fall for that, and I forced his confession out of him. It wasn't long after that that I filed for divorce. He stayed with her but kept calling me saying he wasn't ready to stop seeing me and maybe we could work on our marriage. I waited for two months, but when I realized he was stringing both of us along, I gathered myself respect and filed. It was the most painful thing I have ever endured, but I could not stay married to a man whom I loved dearly knowing what he was doing with another woman. That was torture. Thankfully, it's been a couple of years and I am much better now. But it still hurts, and I am not sure you ever completely get over this kind of thing. I hope to one day find a loyal man who will not abandon me like a coward and run off with another woman. But until then, I am happy being single and being me.

JudyKayTee · Sep 26, 2012, 01:54 PM

Originally Posted by iheartcupcakes

Oh definitely. I do agree with you on that -about the husband and the lies. But, she also did some other things and that probably accounts for my feelings for her, LOL. But I am doing my best to move past it and not be bitter. But that's hard :/

You must have an interesting job. I know how crazy it can be. The day that my ex-husband left, he dropped me off at church with his mother. He said he didn't feel well but to call him when I got out of church and we would go spend the day together. He kissed me, told me I looked beautiful, and that was the last I saw of him as my husband. I got out of church and called, but he never answered. It turns out he ran off to Galveston with his mistress. I spent three days in torture not knowing where he was or if he was okay, only for him to call and say he was on his way home like hothing was wrong. Of course, I knew better. He lied and said he went off with old friends (men) from school and just needed to let off some steam. He insisted that I didn't know them but it was not another woman. Long story short, I was not dumb enough to fall for that, and I forced his confession out of him. It wasn't long after that that I filed for divorce. He stayed with her but kept calling me saying he wasn't ready to stop seeing me and maybe we could work on our marriage. I waited for two months, but when I realized he was stringing both of us along, I gathered my self respect and filed. It was the most painful thing I have ever endured, but I could not stay married to a man whom I loved dearly knowing what he was doing with another woman. That was torture. Thankfully, it's been a couple of years and I am much better now. But it still hurts, and I am not sure you ever completely get over this kind of thing. I hope to one day find a loyal man who will not abandon me like a coward and run off with another woman. But until then, I am happy being single and being me.

This is the second worse one I've ever heard. I actually worked a divorce where the wife went into the hospital, had their baby, husband visited, the day she was discharged he never showed up. She called the Police, they entered their house - and it was pretty much stripped. It took her months to find him.

Yours is a close second.

My ex-husband cheated. That's why he's my "ex," but, while painful, nothing like what happened to you.

iheartcupcakes · Sep 26, 2012, 02:42 PM

I'm so sorry that you've also gone through this. I agree-there's a good reason why they are our exes. It was so confusing. One minute he was loving and the next he's cleaned out our bank account, left me with HIS mother, and skipped town. It was crazy. And the whole town saw it. It was a small town where both of us had roots. We were visiting his mother because we had actually moved off toward east Texas. I was stuck there with nothing. I was humiliated and devastated. But you're right, that poor woman who delivered the baby had it way tougher. I just can't understand why people act that way.

JudyKayTee · Sep 26, 2012, 03:06 PM

Originally Posted by iheartcupcakes

I'm so sorry that you've also gone through this. I agree-there's a good reason why they are our exes. It was so confusing. One minute he was loving and and the next he's cleaned out our bank account, left me with HIS mother, and skipped town. It was crazy. And the whole town saw it. It was a small town where both of us had roots. We were visiting his mother bc we had actually moved off toward east Texas. I was stuck there with nothing. I was humiliated and devastated. But you're right, that poor woman who delivered the baby had it way tougher. I just can't understand why people act that way.

But you know what? You're obviously the better person. You're still here, strong, getting stronger.

Somewhere his mistress is stuck with him - and she's got to look at him sometimes and wondering... "If he did it to her, will he do it to me?"

iheartcupcakes · Sep 26, 2012, 03:21 PM

Thank you and I have to tell you that you're right. Good things have come of it believe it or not. I'm not the same person I was and that's a good thing :)

Yes she is because he got he pregnant and married her 3 months after our divorce was final. And she should wonder. I heard a quote (dear Abby maybe?) that says "if you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife." I thought wow that's the simple truth.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 26, 2012, 04:07 PM

You need to love yourself. Leave this man alone. He is a liar. He lies to his wife and you are lying to her too, leading her to believe you are just friends.
You will never have a future or a family with this man. Leave him alone. Tell him to leave you alone and get yourself respect back