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rubyrage21 · Jul 27, 2012, 07:58 PM

History : (He was locked up for 10 years for armed robbery from the age of 16 to his current age 27.) Our relationship started while he was in there and only lasted for 1 month before things got sour and ended. I knew of him from childhood. We went to elementary and middle school together.

My boyfriend (now ex) and I were together for a year and 5 months. Everything was great up until about 3 weeks ago when his attitude changed toward me. We got into an argument at the movie theater because he blew me off when I tried to talk to him and everything went down hill from there. His calls and texts stopped coming as much. The sweet language almost completely stooped, and he stopped making time to spend with me. His tone and language in how he talks to me got very disrespectful to the point that he would get irritated every time I would try and talk to him. I could ask him "do you miss me"? And he would blow up and get angry and respond by yelling " why you ask a stupid *** question!? I couldn't believe it. I told him not to ever talk to me like that I asked him if he wanted me to stop calling and leave him alone and he told me to shut up and if I ever said anything like that again, to dead myself and move on with life because the relationship will be over with. Those words hurt like hell and the conversation ended with him hanging up on me. The following day he ignored all my calls and texts and for the next 4 days after that I didn't hear from him. The fifth day I couldn't take it anymore so I went over to his house and he was just purely cold. Every time I tried to touch him, he would tell me to get off of him, he didn't want me to touch him, kiss him, nothing, he even told me to fix my dress when I sat down because he didn't want to see that! All of this was shocking and hurtful. He told me that he wasn't going to call me and that he is acting like this because he doesn't want to talk to me and needs space away from me because he said that I ask him too many questions and argue with him too much. I asked him how he felt about me and he said " I care about you" I asked him if he loved me and he said " I'm not going to answer that because I don't have to" in the end, he said "let's just be friends" I asked him if he doesn't want to be with me and he said no. he said I deserve better and he has some ****** up ways and he doesn't want to end up hurting me.

I just don't understand how his feelings could go from loving me to death to hating me in just 3 weeks. If I didn't go over there, he would still be ignoring and not calling me. He couldn't even confront me about all this, I had to make him.

Being away from me and not hearing from me doesn't seem to bother him not one bit! Ever since the day he told me wanted to be friends, I haven't heard from him. But he told a friend of his that we were ok and he just needed his space because he felt like he was still locked up. He said I was still his lady and he still loved me and wanted to marry me. On the other hand, he told his sister that he just wants us to be friends until he gets himself together, and then he told another friend that he just wants to be friends because I am acting childish. Isn't this confusing....

Part 2

Family got involved in our relationship, he told me that he needed space but then decided in the same day that we should just be friends and that he didn't want to be with me b/c I deserve better (BS) I was devastated. I told him I couldn't be his friend and did NC for about 3 weeks. Then I received a text from his number telling me that he never cared.etc. Of course that hurt so when my mom found out about it, she gave him a piece of her mind and spoke to his father about the vindictive things he was doing. It was revealed that he didn't send that message which meant that someone was playing with his or my phone. After that, he told family members to ignore and stop talking to "that girl" another insult that tore at my heart b/c I went from "wife", to "that girl"

I left him alone for about a month. I spoke to a friend of mine and she insisted that I follow my heart and call him. I called and he sent my call to voice mail. I was so hurt because even after 4 weeks he still would not talk to me. It ate me up so bad that the next day I called again, private because I felt that if he heard my voice maybe it would be different. He answered and asked who it was, once he heard it was me, he hung up again. I am trying everything to get myself through this situation but I feel like I am going in circles. I wrote a heartfelt text to his sister asking her to give me advice as if I was her sister or daughter and she completely ignored me which made me feel worse. He obviously hates me by the way he is acting and I just don't understand why his sister would treat me like that especially when we used to be so close. I looked at her as my own sister, even helped her find a job when she got laid off and she just ignored me when I just asked her for advice.

A former inmate of his that was locked up with him heard about what he had did to me and called to talk to me. He told me that I am a beautiful, educated woman and can have any man I want. He said that he is stupid because anyone in their right mind wouldn't let someone like me go or do wrong to the one and only person that was there at the lowest point of his life when no one else was. He says that he speaks to him all the time and he asked him about why he didn't want to be with me and said that he couldn't even give a reason. He said that my ex is having a hard time adjusting and wants the finer things too fast and he is moving too fast and sounds like he is losing his mind. He told me that I am a good girl and I don't deserve that treatment and to not chase the rabbit.

Later on, he told me that my ex feels that he can do better than me.

I'm not going to keep going about what he said but it made me feel batter but now I'm sad all over again because I really think he hates me. Why else would someone act like that? Being with him while he was locked up wasn't easy at all and was very stressful at times but I never gave up on him. Now that he got out, it was so easy for him to let me go and give up on us just because of arguments and me asking him questions. I just hate it because it hurts SOOOOO much because he doesn't want anything to do with me and I still don't know what I did that was wrong. I am tired of making a fool of myself and I don't know what to do. Why is this so hard?
It has been over 2 months since he broke my heart and left me.

I am not doing well at all. One minute I can be fine and the next minute my heart is killing me. I am hurting so bad because I keep remembering how sweet he was and how he was always about me when he was in prison and even for a month after he got out. He always told me that he will always be in love with me and promised to never hurt me or leave me. Then he changed after a huge argument and I am left with the guilt that if I didn't have that argument, everything would still be the way it was. I start thinking that maybe I shouldn't have argued with him, or maybe I should have given him space to hang out. But my friends and family said that it isn't me and if he really loved me he wouldn't have treated me like he did.

I keep hearing things that he is doing from people that see him and come back to me. Hearing that he is going on in life seemingly happy while I am in pain hurts me even more because I don't know what I did for him to hate me and sever all ties with me. I don't understand how he could do this to me and that's the thought that cross my mind every day. I replay the pain he has caused me over and over in my head and no matter what I do it doesn't help me and I am still stuck in the pain. Sometimes my mind makes me believe that I am the only one he treats this way and will only treat me this way and that when he moves on, she will get what I used to have. That thought kills me because I don't know what happened... What am I not seeing? Yes people said he didn't want the relationship but just because you don't want a relationship, you don't have to treat someone like he did or display such hatred. Where did it come from? What am I not seeing?

talaniman · Jul 27, 2012, 08:27 PM

What you are not seeing is he is not who you thought he was and was sweet while he needed you when he was locked up. Have no guilt from this as its not you, but him. The coward couldn't even be honest and straight with you. He didn't deserve what you gave him, and you didn't desrve what he gave you either the loser b@stard! Its like that when we love some one, and you did, and they betray us.

You obviously need more time, so stop people from giving you news of his so called happiness, and heal from this break up. He became evil to you to hide the fact he used your love, and now that he is free doesn't need it any longer.

That's what you missed being blinded by love, and in time you will hurt less, and rebuild a happy life without him.

Cut him and his family from his life now, and do better in time.

Take care.

rubyrage21 · Jul 27, 2012, 08:34 PM

Thank you so much for your answer. It hurts like hell more so being that I never doubted him and his motives for a second. I never knew people could be so cruel and cold especially to someone who helped them when they were at the lowest point in their life. Yes you hear about it but you never understand it fully until you experience it.

It took me a while to accept the situation an is taking me longer to understand that he wasn't who I thought he was. Every time I have some peace of mind, I start thinking about how he used to be and that he is only treating me this way and will treat the next girl how he used to treat me.

talaniman · Jul 27, 2012, 08:45 PM

How long was he locked up for? Even "good" break ups hurt, but when you get angry enough at him, you will start to hurt less.

rubyrage21 · Jul 27, 2012, 08:47 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

How long was he locked up for? Even "good" break ups hurt, but when you get angry enough at him, you will start to hurt less.

He was locked up for 10 years. He went in when he was 16 now he is 27

talaniman · Jul 27, 2012, 11:17 PM

10 years in prison can change a man, and not for the better. Maybe you were lucky, as he is hardly worth wasting any more time with for sure. Sorry, but in time it will get better, and you will have a chance to live a happy, healthy life without him.

Just going to take some time is all.

rubyrage21 · Aug 9, 2012, 05:46 PM

I am referring to relationships with significant others. My ex did 10 years for armed robbery and I stood by him for the last 2 years of his sentence. I knew of him when we were kids because we went to elementary school together but I didn't get to know him until I found out about him being locked up and I reached out to him because I felt bad for his situation and wanted to see if he was OK. At first it was completely platonic but he quickly pursued it into a relationship.

When he got out this past February, things were only good for about a month. I say good because immediately noticed that he wasn't the same man I had been talking to and fell in love with for the past 2 years. NONE of his actions matched his words and it seemed as though once he got out, he forgot about me. He showed love but after an argument, that love went right out the window. He started to become emotionally and verbally abusive, and any and everything came before me. I couldn't ask him questions without him getting angry, he started disrespecting me in public and private and he started excluding me from his life, less phone calls, text messages, etc. It didn't really bother him that we weren't around each other much. The more I tried to find understanding in the behavior, the worse he got towards me till he just broke up with me all together. After the break up and brutal words were exchanged from my mother to him, he cut me out of his life completely. It was like I never existed. When he broke up with me, he was so cold and cruel that it took me a couple of hours after the break up to process what had actually happened.
I will never forget the amount of pain that I felt that day when he vindictively displayed hatred towards me. His family has cut me off and no longer talks to me either. Everyone I spoke to said that he couldn't give a reason as to why he broke up with me but they said that he would spaz if anyone even mentioned my name telling them not to mention me in his presence. He even told another that he feels that he can do better than me as though I am not good enough.

What I am getting at is if the long stint I prison (10 years) form the age of 16
Caused this type of behavior?

What would make a man turn on his woman who stood by him and put her life on hold for him in the cold and cruel way that he did. Yes people break up, but he didn't have to do it the way that he did. He acts as though he hates me and has seemed to forget or not care about all I have done for him for the past 2 years. He doesn't owe me anything because I did it out of the kindness of my heart but I thought that he would at least give respect.

It hurts to know that I can't talk to him even if I wanted to, that complete strangers, and the people who abandoned him for the past 10 years can talk and interact with him but I cant. It hurts like ******** because he doesn't want anything to do with me and I don't even know why. He has severed ALL ties and doesn't seem to feel bad about it or miss me at all.
Advice please. Can anyone shed some light on this because I don't understand. Thanks in advance.

rubyrage21 · Aug 9, 2012, 07:49 PM

Quote by Talaniman
10 years in prison can change a man, and not for the better. Maybe you were lucky, as he is hardly worth wasting any more time with for sure. Sorry, but in time it will get better, and you will have a chance to live a happy, healthy life without him.

Just going to take some time is all.

Thank you, I will try my very best. Its just hard when you think that you are missing out on someone. I feel like I lost something good even though everyone says I haven't.

talaniman · Aug 9, 2012, 08:42 PM

Threads were merged together since they were about the same thing

Can't you see that this scum used you because he had no one else? He was scum when he went in and took advantage of your giving nature. What even made YOU reach out to this criminal? Obviously he isn't the nice guy you went to school with. Its me that doesn't understand why you gave your heart to this loser.

Did you expect him to be grateful and give you love the rest of your life? Why??

rubyrage21 · Aug 9, 2012, 08:57 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Threads were merged together since they were about the same thing

Can't you see that this scum used you because he had no one else? He was scum when he went in and took advantage of your giving nature. What even made YOU reach out to this criminal? Obviously he isn't the nice guy you went to school with. Its me that doesn't understand why you gave your heart to this loser.

Did you expect him to be grateful and give you love the rest of your life? Why???

Thank you for the merging, at first I couldn't find my first post which is why I wrote again and didn't know how to delete the other one.

* I chuckled at reading your response, because I can picture you yelling at me because it should be common sense. My mind knows this, but my heart doesn't, not yet... :)

To answer your questions, I reached out to him because I felt bad about him being there and wanted to see if he was OK. It was completely out of concern. Most peple wonder why I even did that and its because its part of who I am. I have always been a very empathetic person I guess that is kind of dangerous as proven in this situation. My father always said that I always look to see the good in people and not actually see what is there. It's a good thing but also a bad thing especially in this cruel world. I never thought for a second that he would or could use me, that's my naivety. I thought he would look at it as a blessing that someone thought about him and cared to help him in this harsh situation, but I was wrong!

To answer honestly, I don't even know if he was truly a nice person when we went to school together. I didn't know him personally just casual interaction of school. I did think he would be grateful and give me love for the rest of my life why? Because he said it. I always mean what I say and expected him to do the same since he always talked about how loyal he was etc. He made all these promises to me and my family, to never hurt me or leave etc. and again naively I believed him. It even became more believable when he got my name tattooed along side his ring finger and when his family commented on how much of a positive change they noticed with him since I came into his life. I was completely convinced then

talaniman · Aug 9, 2012, 09:28 PM

I guess we all are weak when things are looking good, better than we expected. But you went into a snake pit, and offered yourself to a snake, and he bit you. That's what snakes do.

I wasn't meaning to be harsh, I know it hurt right now to see his TRUE nature. But I was going for firm and direct. Will a cyber hug make up for my harshness?

> HUGE CYBER HUG<

I have been bitten a time or two, hurts like hell!

rubyrage21 · Aug 9, 2012, 09:39 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I guess we all are weak when things are looking good, better than we expected. But you went into a snake pit, and offered yourself to a snake, and he bit you. Thats what snakes do.

I wasn't meaning to be harsh, I know it hurt right now to see his TRUE nature. But I was going for firm and direct. Will a cyber hug make up for my harshness?

> HUGE CYBER HUG<

I have been bitten a time or two, hurts like hell!

I didn't think you were harsh at all. These are things that I need to hear to help me move past the feelings that my heart is forcing me to feel. I hate it because it hurts. He was/is a snake or should I say a sheep in wolves clothing. Its amazing how you can know these things with your mind, but then that same mind tortures you into thinking that maybe it wasn't that way and maybe it was something you did. This is a battle I fight everyday which is why its becomes even more painful and difficult to accept. I guess you would call it denial?

I accept your cyber hug and I give one back. These forums really hurt and I know form your post that you aren't trying to hurt me you are just trying to wake me up so that I understand what it is that I refuse (denial) to see.

I guess subconsciously I am looking for a reason to blame myself for his sudden change in behavior. I know its not healthy but being that his behavior changed right after an argument that I started and could have handled better is why I somehow feel guilty and looking for the blame. Even so, my parents said that even if I did overreact with the argument or even nag him at times that that should not have changed his behavior and how he felt about me... *sigh* I just want the pain to stop..

rubyrage21 · Aug 11, 2012, 06:22 PM

My boyfriend (ex boyfriend) was in prison for 10 years. (16yrs -26yrs for armed robbery) We started a relationship 2 years before he got out. We talked about how our relationship would be when he finally came home, most including spending a lot of time together. However, when he came home we didn't spend much time together. I had to share time with family and friends that weren't even there for him. I didn't have a problem with him spending time with his family and friends but I felt as though we weren't spending enough time together. I would maybe see him twice a week for about an hour or 2 and he lives right around the corner. He spent more time with his friends than me and whenever I would ask him if I could see him more he would get upset or tell me that he would try and see me. Was I smothering him by wanting to spend time with him. I have been away from him for the whole 2 years we have been together. He eventually broke up with me because we would get into arguments about the lack of time spent and the fact that he was basically living a life that I wasn't a part of. He was very cold and vindictive during the break up and now wants nothing to do with me. Am I missing something here?

Fr_Chuck · Aug 11, 2012, 06:27 PM

Yes,
1. you got with him when he was in prison
2. he was not like you thought he would be when he got out
3. he broke up with you

My opinion you were used, he had you writing him and most likely sending him some money in prison. When he got out he had someone to have sex with to get caught up on that.
Then he went on with his life doing what he wanted till he got tired of you.

Say it happening all the time,

rubyrage21 · Aug 11, 2012, 06:28 PM

OK, soooo how exactly does that explain how I was smothering him? Oh I see you were answering the question regarding if I missed anything

Fr_Chuck · Aug 11, 2012, 06:42 PM

Don't think you did anything wrong most likely, My opinion just given the very vague facts you stated, he never planned on staying with you to start with, He wanted to be free to run around and do what he wanted, perhaps your not letting him run free was part of the issue, if you would have allowed a open door to come and go.

Still think he would have found some reason to leave anyway

rubyrage21 · Aug 11, 2012, 06:50 PM

I believe you were right.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 11, 2012, 07:07 PM

You were not smothering him, he just had no intention of continuing a relationship with you once he got out.
Be glad he's gone and get a life without him. He sounds like bad news anyway.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 11, 2012, 07:18 PM

I saw this in my work in the prisons, the inmates would laugh and even trade letters that were good at getting a women to pay them money. Some of the inmates even had two or three that would pay them money , they would lie about being "locked down" on some weeks to some of them so no two would come visit in the same week.

Others found women that lived too far away but they needed income form women for things in prison and of course wanted sex as soon as they get out and can't afford hookers at that point.

On the outside, they may stay for a while, if the women lets them do what they want,

rubyrage21 · Aug 11, 2012, 07:27 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You were not smothering him, he just had no intention of continuing a relationship with you once he got out.
Be glad he's gone and get a life without him. He sounds like bad news anyway.

One would ask if he had no intention of continuing, why go through the extremes of tattooing my along side his ring finger... extreme for someone who was just using me right? That's what I don't understand

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

I saw this in my work in the prisons, the inmates would laugh and even trade letters that were good at getting a women to pay them money. Some of the inmates even had two or three that would pay them money , they would lie about being "locked down" on some weeks to some of them so no two would come visit in the same week.

Others found women that lived too far away but they needed income form women for things in prison and of course wanted sex as soon as they get out and can't afford hookers at that point.

On the outside, they may stay for a while, if the women lets them do what they want,

I had access to his visitation list and was the only non family member that was on there. I was introduced to the family and everything as his "wife" and everything looked good, until a month after he got out. It all comes down to the fact that he did indeed use me and doesn't need me anymore but the way he did the break up was sooo mean, cruel and cold. I didn't deserve that!