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jeffatl · Jul 20, 2006, 11:36 PM

Ok guys, things have been going so great with me and this girl lately but I STILL find myself being totally disheartened, or almost unwilling to look at things in a up beat kind of way. Last weekend I hd such a great time with her at the lake with her parents and family... I hung out with her again last night and she fell asleep holding me, but I just can't get past my stupid demons with her. This is the first girl I have had ANY type of feelings for since my EX and I can't stand the fact that I feel clingy when I KNOW I should nt be "less is more!". I know she likes me, and she told me she thinks she likes me more than I like her, but that kind of scares me... I feel so turned around right now. I got a message from my EX about 2 days ago saying "I hope you are ok ( I got in a pretty ****ty wreck) and Im sure you hate me". I didn't respond to it, but every time she contacts me... it messes me up for a bit. Im not sure why, but Im insecure with girls now... I HATE it. I REALLY need some advice on how to chill myself out right now. All I can think about is crap like "why didnt she call me today". How can I make myself just calm down and have fun again? There is no way I'm rushing into this because ist been a year since my last relationship! I think I am too egar to please now! I really like this girl A lot, and I want to see where things could go, but I need to calm the crap down and FAST so I don't screw it up! You guys give the best advice, and I seem to have no problem asking for help from you... so... HELP! :confused:

Krs · Jul 21, 2006, 02:25 AM

I think your deal is that you concentrate too much on the past.
The past the past, u can't change that.
What u need to concentrate is the future, the future you want for yourself and the girl who have now :)

talaniman · Jul 21, 2006, 05:03 AM

Hi Jeff, Your problem is simple, You need a little balance in your life. Your having a great time with this new lady and I'm glad but if you remember, that's not all your life should be about. Take care of other things that are important to you life and you really won't have time to think of the stuff that makes you insecure. Just remember all the things you had to do to get to where your at now and go back to it and try to restore the balance back in your life. Its so natural to think about the past but dwelling on what was may not be healthy. Get back to what worked before.

Wildcat21 · Jul 21, 2006, 07:44 AM

At least you understand that you are very insecure.

Dude she only part of your life. Not your life. Right now she is like 5% of your life. Chill - do other things. If she calls, she cals, if she doesn't, she doesn't - so what.

You're just going to push her away. Thinks positive - so far everything is great. Has she done anything to make you think otherwise? NO!

As Tal advise - working on other things...

I tyhink taking a long break from girls as well would be important - this gal will mess with head it appears - not good.

momincali · Jul 21, 2006, 09:47 AM

Jeff my man, what is your deal? I think you got a bad case of normal and we don't fix normal around here.

Take control back from your ex and change your number. I know it sounds drastic but it will send a very important message, she's a nuisance and you're not interested. As long as she has the ability to text message you because she has your number, she will use that to her advantage to keep contact(control) with you. Changing your number will also keep you from having to text messaging her back just to tell her to leave you alone, which is of course what she is trying to accomplish, contact. She has NO right to intrude in your life in any way or form and she knows that, but she's arrogant enough to think that you'll eventually accept it. Don't! You don't have to hate her, as a matte of fact, the key is not feeling anything for her, total indifference, and that will come in time. I think this will get you over that insecure hump you're feeling.

You've proven to yourself that you can go out and get the attention of every girl in the room. You are intelligent enough and funny enough to carry on a conversation and show someone a good time. I don't think those are the characteristics of an insecure man. Are you still planning on becoming a doctor? Talk about the wow factor!

Now you've come across this new gal who's kind of special, and she's realized the same in you (boy, you got to give us a name, this new gal stuff is too confusing) and she's treating you in that way. She is following your lead, by taking it slow, that's a good thing Jeff. You're used to gulping and when you gulp, it doesn't last. Sip and enjoy it, savor this time.

Chery · Jul 21, 2006, 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by momincali

Jeff my man, what is your deal?! I think you got a bad case of normal and we don't fix normal around here.

Take control back from your ex and change your number. I know it sounds drastic but it will send a very important message, she's a nuisance and you're not interested. As long as she has the ability to text message you because she has your number, she will use that to her advantage to keep contact(control) with you. Changing your number will also keep you from having to text messaging her back just to tell her to leave you alone, which is of course what she is trying to accomplish, contact. She has NO right to intrude in your life in any way or form and she knows that, but she's arrogant enough to think that you'll eventually accept it. Don't! You don't have to hate her, as a matte of fact, the key is not feeling anything for her, total indifference, and that will come in time. I think this will get you over that insecure hump you're feeling.

You've proven to yourself that you can go out and get the attention of every girl in the room. You are intelligent enough and funny enough to carry on a conversation and show someone a good time. I don't think those are the characteristics of an insecure man. Are you still planning on becoming a doctor? Talk about the wow factor!

Now you've come across this new gal who's kinda special, and she's realized the same in you (boy, ya gotta give us a name, this new gal stuff is too confusing) and she's treating you in that way. She is following your lead, by taking it slow, that's a good thing Jeff. You're used to gulping and when you gulp, it doesn't last. Sip and enjoy it, savor this time.

Was told to 'spread it', but Mom3 here really said it, Jeff.

Savor the time, don't rush, and concentrate on an independent future, so that you can share it and your new strength when the time comes.

Your 'ex' has absolutely no right to enter your privacy or you mind again, and you must make that clear.

If I were your new g/f, and knew about this, I would tell her off in no uncertain terms !

It's also OK for your new gal to like you more than you like her - there is no rivalry in the scale of feelings and it should not frighten you. She's just telling you your are the coolest, so accept it and enjoy it. Some people are actually fearful of too much affection just as they fear rejection - but I don't need to tell you that. Just try and keep the scales balanced a little and enjoy.

Keep us posted.

Mom2

Wildcat21 · Jul 21, 2006, 10:13 AM

I'd would once and for all tell you EX to - LEAVE ME A LONE!

That's it - text it to her. NOW!!

She is JUST yanking your chain. That ex is ONE messed up gal. If I were her husband I would be extremely angry.

Do not contact your Ex ever again - she was a massivetaker and wants to see IF she still has you.

jeffatl · Jul 21, 2006, 10:19 AM

Ok, Im doing that right now!

Wildcat21 · Jul 21, 2006, 10:33 AM

I think it's best. And I bet she gets all upset... that is one messed up gal to be recently married and then texting old boyfriends...

jeffatl · Jul 21, 2006, 10:48 AM

Done and done! Feels good, but Im sure this isn't the last I will hear from her... How do I get past this insecurity BS now with the new girl? Its not like I should have any reason to worry, but I do. I feel like if she doesn't call me one freaking day, she's losing interest and that is STUPID! I just saw her on Wed... I need some kind of SLAP! I know all Im going to do is try and convince myself she doesn't really like me and push her away. Ive never been insecure with women before, but my gut is telling me to bail before I have anything invested in her. Why am I being such a child about this?

talaniman · Jul 21, 2006, 11:18 AM

Your last post is BS and you know it. Instead of sitting, thinking of crap like that, you mean you can't think of something positive or productive to do with yourself? Get away from the phone and do something that Jeff needs to do to make himself better. If you still can't figure out something you have too much time on your hands, so volunteer for a worthy cause like a children's hospital or a homeless shelter. Then you can see for yourself people with real problems. Consider yourself SLAPPED! Now get moving!

Wildcat21 · Jul 21, 2006, 12:02 PM

We've ALL had these feelings...

The BEST way I delt with them, besides drinking - not a good options, was to go for a really long run or bike ride - or lift weights - it helps... those feelings go away rather quickly then.

Also leaving my cell in a drawer helps.

jeffatl · Jul 22, 2006, 11:34 PM

Figured something out tonight... I went over to her house for a bit tonight, and things were off to say the least. We didn't talk much and weren't very close to each other. I was there for about 2hrs and she said she was tired, so I said I would leave. We hugged (no kiss) and I said "bye". Half way to my car I said to myself "what the hell am I doing" and went back. She came out VERY happy that I came back. She came out and we talked for about an hour about everything between us and finally got that "closeness" back. I just told her I was pulling back a bit because I was scaring myself by liking her, but then I realized... crap... if you like someone and want anything to happen from it... YOU have to let your guard down! We both agreed we want to get to know each other more before we put any "titles" on things... but we both think we are on the same page. I actually feel very relieved that I could talk to her about what I was thinking and she just squeezed me and kissed me on the cheek and held my hand. This is the first girl I have really liked since my ex, and Ive been so freaked out about getting hurt again that I didn't realize I am just being an idiot, and in turn ruining a possible good thing for myself. WHEW!! I just have to take that chance again and let her see who I am... and Im ready for that now! Going back to talk to her showed me that, and her response to it shows me I made the right choice!! No regrets from here on out people... I never know if I don't try, and I don't think I would be doing myself or her any justice if I don't go for it!! Im going to see a movie with her tomorrow night, so its back to Mr. fun!! Easy going, laid back, and just MYSELF!! Out of my funk, and ready to give this an honest shot!! Thought I would share!

jeffatl · Jul 22, 2006, 11:43 PM

Oh. I sent a message to my EX telling her I was fine from my wreck, and I didn't think she should be contacting me anymore because we both have our own lives now, and Im doing just fine with the way things are between us right now! Hopefully that will be the LAST I hear from her!

Chery · Jul 23, 2006, 04:17 AM

Originally Posted by jeffatl

Figured something out tonight.... I went over to her house for a bit tonight, and things were off to say the least. We didnt talk much and werent very close to eachother. I was there for about 2hrs and she said she was tired, so I said I would leave. We hugged (no kiss) and I said "bye". Half way to my car I said to myself "what the hell am I doing" and went back. She came out VERY happy that I came back. She came out and we talked for about an hour about everything between us and finally got that "closeness" back. I just told her I was pulling back a bit because I was scaring myself by liking her, but then I realized.....crap......if you like someone and want anything to happen from it....YOU have to let your guard down!! We both agreed we want to get to know eachother more before we put any "titles" on things.....but we both think we are on the same page. I actually feel very relieved that I could talk to her about what I was thinking and she just squeezed me and kissed me on the cheek and held my hand. This is the first girl I have really liked since my ex, and Ive been so freaked out about getting hurt again that I didnt realize I am just being an idiot, and in turn ruining a possible good thing for myself. WHEW!!!!! I just have to take that chance again and let her see who I am......and Im ready for that now! Going back to talk to her showed me that, and her responce to it shows me I made the right choice!!!! No regrets from here on out people.....I never know if I dont try, and I dont think I would be doing myself or her any justice if I dont go for it!!! Im going to see a movie with her tomorrow night, so its back to Mr. fun!!! Easy going, laid back, and just MYSELF!!!! Out of my funk, and ready to give this an honest shot!!!! Thought I would share!!

I just couldn't be prouder of you! It takes a lot to turn around and go back.. not too many men would swallow their pride - but they are the ones who are left wondering the rest of their lives. Life is all about taking chances - it's what moves us forward.

Wildcat21 · Jul 23, 2006, 05:02 PM

Jeff - couple... I am blunt - but I know...

You're going to scare this gal AWAY. Why are you sharing you're feelings so soon... it should ALL be light and fun. You're supposed to be the fun guy - not the all serious guy. She was not excited to be with you because your coming on too strong - she needs her space - IF she's a long tern gal, you WILL have plenty of time to be with her.

I doubt you've given her anytime to miss you. Wome need. Please don't tell you're calling her every day. Please.

You put too much IMPORTANCE into this already. You put too much importance into things and you will worry about being hurt. You ARE setting yourself up to be hurt.

I still think you're seeing her WAY too much too soon. Be busy - do other things - let her have a life

And the ex - why earth did you you share anything with her - it's OK BYE - this was a gal who played you tyo the tee - you don'r want anything to do with that gal - she's jaded... F's with you.

jeffatl · Jul 23, 2006, 08:40 PM

I agree with you cat. I DO need to step back a little and stop trying to force things so much. I went to a movie with her tonight (clerks II... VERY FUNNY BTW!! ). I couldn't leave with things like they were the other night though, that would have just been bad form. Things were SUPER light tonight, and VERY fun for both of us! We went out for some drinks before hand and just talked about "light" stuff from about an hour or so, just laughing and having a good time. I do think I need to step back a touch and let her miss me a little though. I haven't been calling her much at all, she actually calls me MOST of the time. I am going to give her some space though, and just let her soak in things, and reflect on the time that we have spent together. Tonight I think I showed her I am the fun guy that I know I am, and things were fun! I will take your advice to heart, and back off a little so I don't scare her off. Thanks for looking out!!

Wildcat21 · Jul 24, 2006, 08:32 AM

Dude - you going to push this gal away.

Give her 4 or 5 days to herself at least... what's the rush? She's going to get freaked out soon - I can already tell. YOU NEED THE TIME AS WELL!!

I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT HERE DUDE - I DON'T WANT YOU TO CRASH AND BURN. YOU'RE HEADED IN THAT DIRECTION. You seemed real geeked out about this woman.

IF you act too anxious to make a relationship work, even if the other person initially seemed to be the one who wanted it, they will become turned off and start looking for the exits. Next time you decide you really want somebody, play your cards close to your chest. Don't let on how excited you've become. Slowly over many months of time you can eventually show more commitment on your part, but do so incrementally, remaining alert to equal signs of commitment back. If at any point your devotion is more than an equal share, back off and give the other person a chance to catch up before proceeding further.

It is their perception, rightly or wrongly, that someone nice must be desperately needy. The neediness or dependent characteristics exhibited by a person are actually what is repulsive.

jeffatl · Jul 24, 2006, 10:27 AM

I see your point bud. I need to take a step back and give her some space, and I need some time to let things soak in as well. We have been spending a TON of time together over the past few weeks, and I Don't want to freak her out. I am going to give her some her time and take some time for myself as well. I do like her a lot, and I know she likes me, so that seems to be the right direction to go. I need to let her miss me, and I need to miss her too! Thanks!

Wildcat21 · Jul 24, 2006, 11:15 AM

PLEASE do this!!

I think you've put WAY too much importance into this - way to early.

I don't want to see you crash and burn.

Seriously - if you feel like you need to call her - call a friend - OR VENT HERE!!

For the love of god - it will pass!