[theconfusedguy]

Ok let me give you a brief rundown of what has happened in almost 2 months. My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years messaged me one day and was like I'm not in love with you anymore. She wanted to end it and we talked about it and basically her reasoning was that she was confused about us and didn't feel the same way. She didn't know if she wanted to be alone or what. Ok so a week later is her b-day and I took her away for the weekend. Everything went great and we got along great. We got back and it went from needing space from before to her calling me and wanting to hang out and basically seeing each other about 5 times a week for about 2 weeks and this is the third week. Ok so things seemed good , etc. Now... I recently we had a talk and occasionally I want to talk about us and trying to be girlfriend boyfriend again, her falling in love with me again and so on. Right now we went back to dating in order to give us a chance to rebuild. She doesn't know if she wants to be with me and she says it isn't me as much but her. She doesn't know what she wants but she knows she doesn't want to be tied down right now in a relationship. She feels she always has to answer to someone about this and that and when she goes out she doesn't want to fee like she has to check in and this that and the other. I understand that, and this is where I come in because I tend to let me insecurities kick in and I call her 2 or 3 times while she is out and about with her friends and it sucks I'm sure for her. I mean she goes out to wind down and relax for some her time and I'm there calling and this that and the other. Anyway one I need to figure out how do I stop letting my insecurities take over even though things seem to be progressing? I mean I know I felt blindsided when she said she didn't love me anymore but I did see signs and after examining myself I have been making changes on that so I mean it wasn't really blind the signs were there. Now though I'm worried about when things are good that happening all the time now.
Ok now... to the question at hand, during one of our conversations we talked about the issues. She is pretty honest with me and tries to be straight with me on everything. She says there isn't another guy and I shouldn't worry and I believe that. But she tells me that one of the things the has her confused is that she looks at other guys and they peak her interest? At first I was like what does that mean? And she just said she felt that if she was in a relationship with me she shouldn't be doing something like that. She feels that she shouldn't have sexual thoughts or wonder about things with others. She should be happy with me and not care. This really disturbs me. Then she turns around and says that we have been progressing and she still doesn't know though. She tells me that she would never just do something with another guy because of her loyalities to me. Anyway last night we got into a discussion again about this because she went out with her friend and so on and so forth and when she got home I brought it up. She was a little drunk so probably not the best time but she was more truthful with me. I asked if it was anyone she knew? Anyone she was interested in and she was like no. She told me she isn't seeing or talking to anyone cause she wouldn't feel right with our situation how it is and she cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me. So she said she isn't doing nothing like that at all.

See this is my issue, she says that she loves me but not in love with me. She says she doesn't love me just as a friend really but not as a boyfriend. To me though even though she is confused which I honestly think she is... it seems that a lot of her actions show love. I mean... if we are technically single and she wouldn't act on other guys... doesn't that seem like a commitment? I mean case being this... we were making progress for 3 weeks after we got back... seeing each other more , etc... things were good but I keep finding things to nit-pick at and this and that. Should I just let things be good... not worry about being blindsided and quit relapsing and destroying my progress by forcing her to try to make a decision or try to love me currently? I mean she has said that she likes me a little more then she did previously. Should I let it grow naturallly? She has a negative outlook she is always like what if it doesn't work... I don't know if that can come back and this and that. She says that it is possible for it to work but she just doesn't want me to be disappointed with her if it doesn't. I want to be positive and have been trying. I just need reassurance and advice because I can't get it from her right now because she doesn't know what she wants and is utterly confused.

There is just sooooo much stuff that maybe I overthink on... because some of the words she uses makes me think maybe she thinks she isn't good enough? I mean why would she care if I was disappointed with her if it didn't work? Why would should say she isn't in love with me but I see actions that say otherwise? I mean she thinks if you are in love with someone you don't think about other guys or what could be or sexual thoughts... but from what I have been told is in love fades away and love is what is left. When you are in love it's not no longer thinking about it but making the choice not to because you love the person you are with. See to me she is making that choice now, she is having the thoughts but making the choice currently to be with me. One of the problems I have noticed she has is she compares me to her relationship of 6 years. From my understanding it was a on again off again situation. She said he wouldn't let her go and hang out by herself with guys or anything. He eventually ended up cheating on her with her best friend, which is messed up and that basically ended it... ( another reason why I feel she wouldn't just cheat on me is that because she knows how it feels to be hurt like that ). Anyway she was like while I was with him I didn't think of other guys and so on and so forth, that's how I know I shouldn't feel this way... but see to me that's not fair. I think that if it was on again off again they had so much drama and back and forth and were together for so long that the focus was else where or maybe I'm lying to myself and want to believe that. I just need advice in general right now. I know most people will say cut strings and walk away but there has been some progress and there is still something there I just need the tips on how to help nuture and grow that into more... even though things were said last night like things haven't changed and so on etc. I really think she was stressed and angry with me and so on and saying things that she didn't mean totally cause she was drunk. People say don't short change yourself and she feels that I'm, but to me it's like this I'm looking at it for the long run and if things work out I won't care about this incident because she will give me something far greater like a life with her and a family. Anyway help please :)

[achampio21]

I personally think she enjoys the pursuit you make after her. She likes all the attention she gets when you are "trying" to win her back over. Is it possible that when you guys first became committed to each other and you knew you had her that you quit doing all the "little" thing you had done to win her over?

That was a MAJOR issue with me and my boyfriend. And after I talked to him about it he tries really hard to still do little things that he did when he was pursuing me.

She may also want to have fun and not really be tied down, but know that she can come to you for anything. Being obsessive sortof and a little controlling and nosy isn't your best bet to win her over. Let her do her own thing and be sure to show her you still want her and love her but don't smother her or check up on her like she's a child. That may make her think you don't trust her. And go out and have your own fun without her too. It may make her realize that she needs to pursue you too!! :)

Hopefully it will all work out for you. The best thing is that she talks to you and is honest. Those qualities are hard to find in a lot of people. Keep trying and good luck!!

[mic0kaz]

You both sound very confused, for sure. The uncertainty you're both experiencing can be very difficult to resolve. Or at least, that's what I've found in my own experiences.

Could her behaviour be motivated by some unhealthy attachment issues? I'm not saying for one second that she doesn't really love you, just that it sounds to me like perhaps the reason she broke it off with you is that she was overwhelmed by the relationship, and the emotional demands it placed on her. You mentioned that you've been seeing each other five times a week, which sounds like a lot for people who were talking about space recently. How does that compare to the amount of time you were spending with each other before all this stuff came up? If, say for the past 2.5 years you guys have been pretty inseparable, have relied on each other pretty exclusively for emotional support, then it's very common (and understandable) that now when your relationship is in crisis you still tend to turn to each other for support to get through the sad/lonely moments, instead of seeking other sources; especially if your social networks have shrunk in some way, compared to when you first met each other. It's only natural that when two people fall in love they want to spend as much time together as possible. And, if it's an intense falling-in-love, feeling like you've met the person you've always dreamed about, that will be even more pronounced. However, it is vitally important to the emotional health of both of you, and the longevity of your relationship, that at some point you shift the focus from just each other to include other people/activities in your world. The strongest relationships have a balance between shared/separate activities and friendships.
A very wise person (can't rememberr who) said true love lies not in gazing at each other, but in gazing in the same direction.
We all need to bring in stimulation from other sources to keep our relationship lively, and to keep it progressing - if our relationships are confined to basically each other, they will tend to fizzle out once the 'thing' that brought us together either no longer exists, or is no longer as important/exciting etc. I find this to be true of all relationships, not just romantic ones. In my own experience, I've met people through work, sport etc that I've gotten along with brilliantly in that situation, but once I've changed jobs, or had to give up the activity, we've drifted apart, gone in different directions etc. That's because the relationship was only relevant to the sphere in which it existed, and didn't translate into other areas of my/our lives - can you see the parallel I'm trying to draw here? I hope I'm explaing myself clearly enough, and also that I'm not preaching to the converted!
If you think what I've just described sounds like you guys, then that exclusivity could be a part of what feeds your insecurities, maybe you're experiencing some 'separation anxiety' when she's not with you. You mentioned that you trust her to not fool around, as she's experienced that hurt herself first hand, so it sounds like an emotional dependence rather than a lack of trust that drives that - which is good; much easier, for you, to come to terms with that stuff than trust issues. If your overall social contact is unbalanced to a significant degree toward the relationship, that anxiety will flourish. And the current terms of your relationship won't be helping either! She needs to give you something Clear about the boundaries of your relationship, and her Intention with that. Your need for clarity in respect to your issues is just as valid as her need for time/space in respect to her issues. So don't beat yourself up too much about asking for it.
You also mentioned that she compares this relationship to her previous relationship. The on-again/off-again stuff is pretty big indicator of unhealthy attachment if you ask me, and her need to compare sounds like she hasn't resolved what went wrong with that relationship and is looking for a pattern to explain these probably not unfamiliar feelings. She needs to recognise those issues(whatever they may be) in herself, and not just blame you - though you did wrote that she said it was more her stuff. Her 'wandering eye', to me, is suggestive of someone who finds it hard to commit, rather than a desire to experience directly those other guys - the fact that she's unable/disinclined to take it to the next level tells me that, and also could be an indicator of there being something still there between you for you both to work on. The operative words being 'both of you'. Maybe I've gotten the wrong idea, but it sounds to me as if you do a lot of the thinking/worrying/analysing while she's just saying she doesn't know. What drives her fear of commitment is something only she can figure out, and choose to work on. From what you've said, I find it very doubtful you alone gave her those issues, so don't take on too much responsibility for that. The relationship you have might be bringing them out, but the relationship is something you create Together, and not the total of who you are, or who she is, so only accept responsibility for your 50%. She needs to work on her stuff, you on your stuff. I know first-hand how exhausting it is to try to figure out what's really going on for someone, and the plain truth is, my energy would have been much better spent on myself. You can't control how someone feels, so don't try to. She's the only one responsible for that, and as such, the only one who can change/fix it.
Also, something else to consider, further to what I described earlier - if someone is feeling cut-off or deprived in some way of wider social contact; when they do get it it can seem to have greater meaning than what it really warrants. I have felt this myself - but upon getting to know the person better and widening my social circle, those feelings of maybe/what if, that curiosity, was soon relegated to its proper perspective.
I also agree with what you said about the drama in her previous relationship keeping the focus off her wandering eye - someone creating any sort of drama, positive or negative, is Definitely a Very effective way of keeping your mind only on Them - so there could be some issues around power/control as well. If this is what's going on for her, it will take some time for her to sort it out in herself (patience & understanding from you required)- recognise what her wants/needs from a relationship really are and whether her behaviours/attitudes marry with that.
Anyway, back to you! Keeping your insecurities in check - getting back in touch with yourself, and who You are, is probably a good place to start. Is there anything that you've sacrificed/forgotten about -be it person, sport, interest- during your relationship? Cos now would be a great time to reconnect with that, or is there something you would like to explore but haven't had the opportunity to? Fill your time doing more stuff that nourishes You, instead of worrying about the relationship. Some benefits to this are a)you won't always be so available whenever she calls -which can make you feel like she has all the say about when you do/don't see each other, and make you feel taken for granted b) people who treat themselves well are much more attractive/fun to be with c) you'll be expanding your social/support network d) you'll be too busy to worry about what she's up to or think of ringing her unecessarily and e) if ends up not working out, a+b+c+d will combine to prevent you feeling so blindsided & overly preoccupied by it.
In the meantime, when you're together, focus on the positives you've got going for you, like honesty, trust and a 2.5 yr history, not to mention that the fact that neither of you really wants to hurt each other, so genuine feeling is there too - some aspects worth preserving!
Anyway, I hope this has helped you in some way - however small - and best of luck with everything - the trying times will ultimately strengthen a relationship once you get past them :o)

[theconfusedguy]

Man thank you so much for that answer. It helped me a lot. I actually started to look in that direction and feel that way. I gave her a card and flowers the yesterday and in the card I mentioned that hey... we been together 2 1/2 years and that's longer than a handful of married couples and couples in general. I told her that she shouldn't feel that she is short changing me. I said I would be short changing us if I didn't try to make this work after the investment we already put into it. Now given she read it and isn't too much of a mushy person I would still think it sunk in. I also read a book yesterday that highlighted some of the topics that you were discussing. One of the things she said to me a couple nights ago was that she didn't feel like herself around me and didn't like that. Well given that the past year or so she hasn't really done or went out and did the things that she use to when we first started dating makes me feel like she was missing it. Mind you that I never said she couldn't or really complained when she did. She just stopped doing it and maybe that is one of the stress factors and she is blaming me. Anyway back to the book that I read, it said that when you aren't happy in other aspects of your life you expect more from your partner to help fill and meet those needs. So basically like you were saying we had a strong start, and we both felt hey this is the one, and house home, kids, etc. So basically I think we burned out from time spent and the fact that she wasn't helping to fill herself up elsewhere made it a strain because the things that I use to do that was amazing doesn't seem as amazing because they aren't filling that gap. Right now though she doesn't really want to talk about kids and this and that and I think it's a commitment issue even though she goes "no I'm not scared I just don't know if I want that from you" so it's like how does it go from... kids and home and this and that to now this. It's just good to know some of the things that I noticed aren't just noticed by me and inside my head. It's good to know that someone from the outside looking in can pick up on the things that I was beginning to see. I have noticed that she isn't staying out as late as she use to as a respect thing for me maybe... like now she gets back to her house around 2:30 or so as opposed to staying out with friends until 5 or so. Also recently after the vacation she has talked with her friend and wanted to plan things out together to do with her and her new boyfriend. I mean there are positive signs but it's just hard for me right now because actions say one thing but she will tell me something completely different. It's hard to sort out what is the denial and non-admittance of her problems, and what is actually how she feels about me. I mean maybe the underlaying problem is she feels she couldn't go out as much and after the past year of not really doing so is frustrated. Right now maybe it is a commitment thing, I'm almost done with college, and my degree will be soon and things are a bit more serious. See not to sound full of myself but I was thinking that this new love limbo type thing, or whatever she feels for me maybe it is true love and she doesn't really know how to handle it because even though she was with her ex for 6 years they had a different kind of love or what she thought was love. I can't tell her something like that because she will rebuke it of course but it's something I feel. I know right now she might not feel the same excitement as before but I think that has to do with other areas of her life as well. Right now she is really stressed with bills and so on and trying to get her own business going which is taking a slow start. I feel all this compiled on top of one is taking a toll on us.
I will try to take your advice and set guidelines or figure them out. This is how it is basically set up currently. We are "single" but we see each other and so on and so forth. Basically we are dating, and it's weird because at times she will refer to me as her boyfriend and stuff to friend, and sometimes slip and say it to me. We aren't messing around with no one else or even dating anyone else right now, and not saying that we couldn't but like she said she wouldn't feel right doing that with anyone or trying to talk to anyone while she has what we have going on. She tells me not to worry and this and that. So we for all intense purposes are still together but not in title and maybe that's a commitment thing or unsure about loving me or something. She says she cares about me and loves me but isn't in love with me... well I don't really get it that much. She doesn't say it right now and eventually maybe she will again. I really was just wondering is it a commitment issue? Based on things I have seen her do like... staying in bed cuddling in the morning... wanting to see me and hang out with me... wanting to plan dates with her friend and her boyfriend. I mean see what I'm saying? It seems like loving things, but she just doesn't saying it. *Quick note* She has a hard time expressing feelings basically because of this... she was raised pretty much by her grandpa... her brother has basically took care of her once he passed... and most of her friends are guys... so the feeling thing really isn't easy for her. The book I read was Mar and Venus Collide and it basically said even though they seem like Mars on the outside their inside make-up is still of Venus and appreciate the Venus things. Anyway I'll shut up now and let more people respond. Thanks again!

[talaniman]

Your ignoring some very basic but profoundly evident warning signs here,

We are "single" but we see each other and so on and so forth. Basically we are dating,
No commitment-Friendzone
We aren't messing around with no one else or even dating anyone else right now,
Nothing else to do-Friendzone
. She tells me not to worry and this and that.
Reassuring without being specific-Friendzone
So we for all intense purposes are still together but not in title
FRIENDZONE
maybe that's a commitment thing or unsure about loving me or something.
Friendzone
She says she cares about me and loves me but isn't in love with me.....
FRIENDZONE
* She has a hard time expressing feelings basically because of this......
FRIENDZONE

Your acting like a couple, but are not, you have an agenda, as you want more, but she doesn't, because she already has all you can offer, with no commitment on her part. All the talking hasn't changed a thing, except to give her options, and you confusion.

I strongly advise you back off, and be less available, and work on balancing your life, by broadening the circle of friends, and activities you now have as you spend too much time in this LIMBO, between friends, and wanting more. She, whether intentionally or not is feeding you false hope while she awaits whatever is to come next, and then your out a friend and... what you think is a girlfriend.

You may think her confused, but she is not. She knows she wants no relationship with you, but doesn't want to be alone either. That's not confusion, but getting what she wants for now.

Ball in your court.

[jrsg]

So... Friendzone, Talaniman? Lol

This situation is very similar to mine. You are like boyfriend/girlfriend but without the title. I have taken some advice from this too... Thanks guys.
And good luck with your situation, theconfused guy.

[theconfusedguy]

I agree right now she is content and I'm not stupid and believe that if something better was to come along that she would look into it. I also believe that as of right now she doesn't feel right and doesn't think it would be right to do that to me. Look she puts up with a lot of stuff from me calling and this and that becaues I get insecure and she still sticks it out with me. Check this out cause this is very important information here and can give everyone an insight to what is going on...

I went and grabbed one of her notepads that she uses for business to jott down some stuff for the website that I'm building her. When flipping through the pages to find her business contacts I ran across an entry... that was titled 06/14/2008 well come to find out she left her journal in with her business books. I know a journel is something that is personal but I read this page because it was the night we had a slight dispute... check this out...

In the journal she wrote that she loves me and cares about me so much. She feels that we don't fit.

Then she writes...

I love him but am not in love with him.
I don't want to hurt him but I don't think I will have a choice. I care about him sooo much.


Then she goes on about her going out with her friend, and she is drunk right now and she writes...

I don't want to be alone.

After reading that my heart broke into a thousand pieces because I felt like I failed her. She feels alone because of my actions? She feels like she has no one to turn to cause I'm a butt. I mean she wrote that and yeah she said she doesn't think. She put the word think there instead of I don't have a choice, because she still doesn't know and then immediately follows up with I care about him so much. I think she loves me still... she wouldn't put up with me if she didn't. Alone or not she has friends that she could hang out with and do things with I'm sure. I feel so bad though because reading that made me feel like I have failed her. Maybe it's because she doesn't do the things she wants as well... but to me I feel like it's my responsibility to try to make her happy. I don't know I think I need to find things to make me happy and back off and let her go out and have fun, and realize how much she does love me. There is a chance that she could find someone else but right now she isn't looking. I asked her today... "do you think there is hope for us" and she goes... well there is hope your with me right? So to me she doesn't know either way but she does know that she wants to give it a shot because I'm not a bad person but there are some things that I do that is important to her that I don't do because I feel they aren't important to me which is wrong. Anyway I'll add more as I find out more!

[achampio21]

Quickly and I will let those that are better equipped to deal with relationships answer you... is it possible she wrote that and left it out knowing you would read it? If a girl has a journal/diary and she writes in it faithfully and writes stuff that she doesn't want people to read she wouldn't leave it ANYWHERE for you to find. Just a thought, she may be the type of girl that starves for attention. I was. I would pick a fight just so he would pay attention to me. You have a good thing if she is still with you, but is it at all possible that she is sort of blowing you off because she KNOWS you will pay even more attention to her and that it will drive you crazy?

[talaniman]

Trust me as time goes on she will give you less time and make less of an effort. Why put yourself through all that? Face the facts as you must accept that this is over, so what are you hanging on for?

What she has written only confirms what everyone has been telling you. Its over, and your being tolerated because she has no other interest for now. That is bound to change.

Make a decision to stand on your own two feet, and not lean on her for an emotional crutch.

[waystogetexback]

Her ambiguity spells trouble. You don't want to be with someone who is already unsure of how she feels. She is probably insecure within herself and has her own issues to work out. She may have too many friends talking between her ears. She is afraid of commitment. Not only men are; women are sometimes scared to commit. I think you should confront her about what she wrote in her journal without letting her know you read it. Just say something like, "how do you really feel about our relationship?" Are you willing to commit to our relationship? Maybe it is time for you to open up more cans of worms, but it is better to put it all out now than wait until later.

[theconfusedguy]

Well things have been on a rollercoaster since the last time I posted. Let me explain what has happened. I have opened up quite a bit of worms and things seem a bit better now that I have. Check this out, the journal thing I haven't mentioned that is personal and I'm beginning to realize that I should just stop looking through text, and e-mails, and etc because all it does is give me parts of stories and misinformation because I don't know the background or history of things. We broke up ( but things haven't changed ) and we are single in that sense. It's a really odd situation because I haven't called her as much this past weekend and started doing my own thing. I let her call me and tried not to pester her which seemed to help because Sunday when we hung out ( despite a huge argument the night before ) we were getting along pretty well. She needs help currently with some bills and literally has no one to turn to. Now many will say don't help her because she is using you and some would say help her because if you are friends you should do what you can. Anyway Monday morning we were talking and I asked joking about if I help her will she be my girlfriend, and she goes yeah for sure. We had a laugh and so on and I then asked seriously are you considering being my girlfriend again and she goes maybe. So it seems to me that me doing my own thing and giving her space to do hers is actually helping because now she is like OK I can still do my things and have a boyfriend instead of I can have a boyfriend but not do my thing. Then later that evening it switched to no, it was weird because she even said I don't know anymore, I feel one way one minute, and feel another way another. We had a discussion but what was funny is her friend found out and texted her are you thinking about making him your boyfriend again, and she goes maybe but that doesn't concern you. It was just a confusing day all around because she tells me no just a second ago and is telling her friend no, instead of just saying I was but now it's no, or something along those lines. It seems to everyone that this is a failed relationship I'm sure, but the fact that she is making minor adjustments here and there, and me as well seems to be improving the situation. Who knows anymore. My friend told me the sooner I start believing woman don't know what they want the sooner it will all make sense. Lol.