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rusalka · Jan 30, 2008, 03:28 PM

I'm in a fairly hopeless situation now. There is a man I fell in love with, with whom I have a sort of a business relationship as well as frendship. He is managing rock artists and I'm helping him in European promotion. He's 34 and basically an angel without wings... Just the guy I have been waiting for all my life, with his way of talk, his sense of humor, his sincerity, his light heart and exceptional talent... Never met anyone able to surpass his qualities.

The problem is that he has a girlfriend, a girl I introduced to him one and a half years ago when we were organising a festival event together. The girl now just moved to his country to live with him :( (we live in different countries) He's planing to involve me more in his business which might require my moving to his native land (where I have always wanted to live, anyways) and I don't know how I would take if I saw them together... I mean I know they are together but from this distance (1500 km) it's easier to cope with this. I want to work with him because the job he offers is sg I always wished to do but I'm afraid of my feelings for him.

Do you think it's wise from me to move to the same workplace with this man? Until they marry I have (at least) a tiny little ray of hope that one day fate might bring us together...

Is this so stupid?

talaniman · Jan 30, 2008, 04:24 PM

Holding false hope is so unhealthy, and distracting. Focus on career, and let everything else go for now.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 30, 2008, 04:27 PM

No, you need to move on and not have false since of a relastionshp

peggyhill · Jan 30, 2008, 04:58 PM

I would write him off for now. Try to figure out what qualities he had that attracted you so much. Then you can look for someone with similar qualities. ( I don't mean someone just like him, but just the good points like personality, honesty, and such). Focus on meeting new people and try to forget him.

If you want to make the move for your career, then go for it. But if you are moving because you want to be close to him or because you think you might have a chance if you live in the same country, then don't. You have to be able to live with seeing him with someone else if you move there.

lucky27 · Jan 30, 2008, 07:38 PM

Men that are musicians are charming by nature. Trust me. You need to run quickly in the other direction.

rusalka · Jan 31, 2008, 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by lucky27

Men that are musicians are charming by nature. Trust me. You need to run quickly in the other direction.

He's not a musician, just works in the industry, he is an artist manager who worked for such companies like sony and warner music in very high positions and now runs his own business but he doesn't make music himself.

Thank you all for the advice, I know you are right I have to let go of this guy... but it's not easy at all :(

EuRa · Jan 31, 2008, 10:47 AM

If you really did love him, you'd want him to be happy no matter what choices he makes. You'd support his decision to love and be with someone else. You wouldn't hope that they would break up. You lust for this man, but I don't think it's love. If anything, you introduced this girl to him, and they hit it off in part because of you. Now you are sitting around alone, wondering if what you wanted all along was right in front of you, and you gave it away!

That's not love. It's a dilusion. It's a mirage. He values you as a friend and nothing more. If he did break up with his woman, what makes you think he'd get together with you anyway? I wouldn't be so sure. He had his chance already and didn't take it, remember? You need to focus on someone else.

thegirlishurting · Jan 31, 2008, 04:33 PM

Moving sounds risky but if you feel this is an excellent career move and will be beneficial to your experience, I encourage you to it. Some people are so career-driven, they are almost indifferent to their surroundings. Who knows you might meet someone like him there?

But if you feel you will be bothered by their presence at work, I strongly discourage you to move. With the strong feelings you have for this guy, its going to be tough to be nonchalant esp when you are friends with his girlfriend. Prepare for parties you'll be attending with the guy and his girlfriend hovering in the background, how does that sound? Im pretty sure that would greatly affect your work performance.

There are lots of good people out there to love and deserves the love you can give.

rusalka · Feb 1, 2008, 02:00 PM

Thank you thegirlishurting, I guess you are right. I want this job though.. if it won't work, I will still have the chance to look for another job

nkychic · Feb 1, 2008, 06:14 PM

You need to first decide your priorities... how important is this career to you and how much are you willing to sacrifice for it? You mention all these great qualities he has in being a "potential mate", but what about the one BIG and equally important bad quality, he has a girlfriend. Don't move if the reason you are moving is to be close to him or if your work will be greatly affected by it. You have to understand that when/if you do move, all you have to start in this foreign country are "him and her". Are you ready for this? Be careful and don't jump into any situation. Give yourself time to think about it. Maybe you could, instead of moving, go for a couple weeks, even a month, to help out with the "job". If it seems like it is going to be too hard, at least you have a roundtrip ticket back. I can tell just by the way you describe this man that you are an amazing, passionate person with a lot of love to share. Find someone who has that love to give to you, someone who deserves someone like yourself. As said below, there are plenty of great people out there, you just have to give it time. Good luck hon!!

<3 Leslie

chrissy32290 · Feb 1, 2008, 06:32 PM

This is a good example of why you shouldn't mix business with pleasure.. your only going to end up hurting yourself so get him out of your head a.s.a.p.!

Sand Daddy · Feb 1, 2008, 06:36 PM

Don't throw away your work or your friendships because of something that didn't happen! Focus on your work, be a great friend to both, it's the right thing to do.

bizygurl · Feb 1, 2008, 06:45 PM

I agree with all the other posts. You are, more than likely, going to get hurt. If this woman picked up and made a huge move to be with him in another country then its probably very serious. Those kind of decisions aren't made lightly if there isn't a future. I would be happy for him. It hurts, I'm sure but there are many people out there and Im sure you could be happy with someone else. Getting tangled in that may only bring you drama and heart ache.

Homegirl 50 · Feb 1, 2008, 08:10 PM

Originally Posted by rusalka

I'm in a fairly hopeless situation now. There is a man I fell in love with, with whom I have a sort of a business relationship as well as friendship. He is managing rock artists and I'm helping him in European promotion. He's 34 and basically an angel without wings... Just the guy I have been waiting for all my life, with his way of talk, his sense of humor, his sincerity, his light heart and exceptional talent.... Never met anyone able to surpass his qualities.

The problem is that he has a girlfriend, a girl I introduced to him one and a half years ago when we were organising a festival event together. The girl now just moved to his country to live with him :( (we live in different countries) He's planing to involve me more in his business which might require my moving to his native land (where I have always wanted to live, anyways) and I don't know how I would take if I saw them together... I mean I know they are together but from this distance (1500 km) it's easier to cope with this. I want to work with him because the job he offers is sgI always wished to do but I'm afraid of my feelings for him.

Do you think it's wise from me to move to the same workplace with this man? Until they marry I have (at least) a tiny little ray of hope that one day fate might bring us together...

is this so stupid?

You know he is with someone, you should not have any hope, you should be staying away from him. If you think working with him is going to be hard, that you would be doing little things to let him know your feelings, stay away from him.
You are not doing him or yourself justice.

rusalka · Feb 2, 2008, 05:05 PM

Originally Posted by nkychic

You need to first decide your priorities...how important is this career to you and how much are you willing to sacrifice for it? You mention all these great qualities he has in being a "potential mate", but what about the one BIG and equally important bad quality, he has a girlfriend. Don't move if the reason you are moving is to be close to him or if your work will be greatly affected by it. You have to understand that when/if you do move, all you have to start in this foreign country are "him and her". Are you ready for this? Be careful and don't jump into any situation. Give yourself time to think about it. Maybe you could, instead of moving, go for a couple weeks, even a month, to help out with the "job". If it seems like it is going to be too hard, atleast you have a roundtrip ticket back. I can tell just by the way you describe this man that you are an amazing, passionate person with a lot of love to share. Find someone who has that love to give to you, someone who deserves someone like yourself. As said below, there are plenty of great people out there, you just have to give it time. Good luck hon!!!

<3 Leslie

Thank you Leslie. Fortunately if I wanted to move to that country, I have a lot of friends and acquaintancies there, as I love that country very much I have thought about moving there even before I met this man. The job he is offering is something I have been striving to get, even before I fell in love with him. Our relationship started as something very unusual, I just wrote him a letter (being the manager of my favourite rock band) that I have an opportunity for the band to play ina festival in my country. We started corresponding and then we organized the opportunity for the band and they came and played at the festival. That's where he met his girlfriend. Then he frequently came to my country because of that girl and we always met because we became friends in the meantime and he always wanted to see me as well when he came here and we were also in daily contact via MSN even when he was not here. And in the meantime I realised that I feel more for him than just friendship. Now he offers me the exact thing I have wanted to do: to be a european tour manager for my fave rockband and other artists in his production company. I don't want to miss this, I WANT this job. I'm a Sagittarius, striving to travel and meet new people and new challenges (he is also a Sag, by the way), this job is just THE DREAM JOB and I know I can do and he knows as well, being an excellent businessman he wouldn't just offer a job because we are friends.

I don't know how it would feel like to see them together but anyway the job would require frequent travelling, going on tour with the bands etc.

You are right, I must not hope they break up, I see that I was selfish saying this... If he is happy I shoud be happy too but you know... it's not always that easy.

In two weeks I am going to meet him in Germany where one of his protegees is going to give a concert, and he invited me, and didn't let me pay for the plane ticket or accommodation either... I think he would like to talk to me about this job.. We will see what future brings. It's going to be so good to see him again...

rusalka · Nov 10, 2008, 03:00 PM

Well everyone, few months passed by and I tried to get him out of my head, met other guys, I even literally forced him out of my life, deleted all his contact addresses, phone number, msn address... because it was very difficlult and painful to talk to him even as a friend, but no use. Every single minute this feeling for him is getting stronger instead of vanishing away. He broke up with his girlfriend, it seems she could not manage moving t another country. I don't have hopes, I don't have anything just sadness and I pray one day this feeling would fade away in me, but I'm afraid it won't, never felt so strongly for anyone. Let's see where I will be in a few months... Thank you for listening.

Homegirl 50 · Nov 10, 2008, 03:05 PM

I still say you will be fine. But if you're believing the feelings won't fade, it will be a long time for them to do so.
Just go about your life. Don't hook up with a guy with the intention of him helping you forget the old boyfriend. Date because you want to, and if you don't want to, don't date.

smalluniverse · Jul 27, 2010, 06:39 AM

Hey reslka, it is over two years since you were stuck in this no-win situation. What happened? I'm curious both because your warm and caring heart leaps through your writing and I'm hoping that things work out well for you... and because I'm now in a similar situation (details very different... but my heart is stuck in the same place).