[Chi2005]

So, here's the story. I started seeing this guy about 9 months ago and we're both in our late 20's. Both of us had just ended long term relationships, both lasting 5-6 yrs. We knew each other from work for several mnths before we ever saw each other outside of that until we ended up talking for hours at a happy hour one night. He called me the next day to ask me to go out and of course I did. So over the course of 6 months everything was the normal hanging out getting to know you phase w/the exception of his questioning my actions a few times. For example, "why is your ex still calling you?" totally valid, so I gradually stopped talking to the ex. Then I went home (a four hr drive) two weekends in one month and he gave me some crap about if I'm not going to make him a priority, thet he won't make me one. The last thing he questioned me about was where I was staying when I visited a male friend for a weekend a few hours away. He was po'd for days because he thought I was lying.Now, until this precise point, he was totally into me, saw me 3-4 nights a week even though I lived an hr away, had all kinds of cute pet names for me, called every day, sent me 20 texts a day, etc. After that particular fight I didn't see him for three weeks, though he continued to text and call (minus the cute pet names, Red Flag 1). I never once asked him why he wasn't seeing me because in addition to being busy at work, he was studying for a very intense exam ( I know because I took it in the past). After that I saw him about once a week for a month. During that month he'd been acting more distant. Now, I'm not one to badger or question people, but I thought he was losing interest and was giving me subtle hints that he wanted it to end, but was too much a to do it. So, I sent him a text saying that it was obvious that he no longer wanted to see me and I wanted out. He immediately called and wanted to come over saying that he was just busy studying (the test was less than a month away)and his feelings had not changed and that he would understand if I were the one taking the test. So, fine I thought, maybe I was just being paranoid. Now it has been one month since his exam was over and I still haven't seen him!! I talked to him last night in a final attempt to get some answers and he said that he is really content with life right now, i.e. going to dinner and long drives by himself, spending time with his family(yes, he still lives at home). And then, pulls out the "you're not my girlfriend"!! ( We've always said that we weren't into relationships)He then asked if I was bringing this up again because I want to see other guys. I said no, of course not. He said, just be cool and try not to think about things too much?? So I quickly ended the call, even more confused than ever. Anyway, he's still very interested about what is going on in my life and is supportive of me if I need something. (He's not seeing anyone else, he is the least shady guy I've ever met, has been with only 2 other girls in long term relationships and always let's me know what he's doing.).Doesn't go to the bars and pretty much keeps to himself.

Sorry this is so long. But I don't get this guy. I know if he were still interested, not wanting a relationship would not stop him from seeing me if he wanted to. What I can't figure out is why he tries to keep this going when I try to end it? Any insight? (Ideally I'd like to get back what we had,but I don't understand what happened or how to fix it)

[mike145k]

There is no problem with this guy not at all you are the problem you are the shady one in this relationship you did not treat him with respect.A man wants an honest woman,a woman that can be trusted,and your actions turned him off even though he is attrackted to you he is not going to allow you to be a user,so in the future watch how you treat men :)

[Chi2005]

He had no reason to be concerned at all. My ex lives 4 hrs away and the male friend, I've known for 17 years. He didn't seem to mind me going to visit until I came back. If he really felt that way and is turned off by all of that, then why despite the fact he rarely sees me any more, by his choice, won't break it off w/me and tries to keep me when I want to break it off? It doesn't make sense. He says he still feels the same way about me, but then also says he is content just being by himself and w/ his family and that I shouldn't think about thinngs too much. I would like to continue seeing him,but he's not making it easy.

[mike145k]

Listen chi.chi your name means a woman with a thousand faces do I need to go on ladies and gentlemen :eek: :mad: :confused: ;)

[Chi2005]

Thank you for your honesty,Mike. I never saw it that way. I sincerely like this guy a lot and haven't even considered seeing anyone else since we began dating. That sheds new light on the situation. I guess I'll take his word for it, lay low, not worry about it and see what happens. If anyone else has an opinon, I'd like to hear it.

[shenda]

Number One rule for men... they need to be respected; Number One rule for women... they need affection; Your drive towards affection may lead you to seek it from another; be careful.
Guys respond better when they are at a cross-road, a cross-road, you have admittedly placed him in. What changed? You did. Guys need routine in a relationship, the moment you do something they do not expect you to do, or know you to do, it leaves them in a strange place. Obviously, he does not know how to express his concerns, let's face it... Men hate rejection. He is in to you, but he does not know you. This is frightening stuff, especially, in a world where love abides with fear in the heart. Do not expect to get back what you had with him, unless you are willing to invest and bank trust to the point that he feels comfortable enough to make the withdrawal. In other words, the time it will take for him to trust you is pivotal, it's not by your calculation, he must be allowed to determine it; therefore, are you willing to report off to him, in the same manner, he has given you. Are you willing to endure his chill out period, without the comfort of another man, especially one he does not know. Remember, distance distorts and hinders intimacy. Your guy appears to be an up-front gentleman; he needs an up-front kind of lady... can you be that to him. Furthermore, what is it that attracts you to him, let him know every chance you get without sounding rehearse. Let him feel your heart... what comes from the heart reaches the heart. Do not be afraid to stand naked before him, figuratively speaking. Do not be afraid to let him know exactly why you like him, if need be, take accountability for your lack of sensitivity to his ego. Men are protectors, providers and hunters. I know not which dominates your guy, but I encourage you to listen to your heart, if it declares... go after him... go after him, do not sit silently by and allow a change in your previous position to nurture static. Similar to that of a cellphone reception, if you move from a position, the conversation becomes difficult to hear, thus making it difficult to understand; however, if your heart whispers... wait... wait on him, but know what you are waiting for, earnestly. Because if you truly wanted to break things off with him, it would have been a done deal, regardless of his plea to cease your intent. What will truly help you now and in the future, make a decision, stand firm.

[Chi2005]

I really thought I would post here and everyone would say to move on, he doesn't want to be with you, take a hint, etc,etc. That's what I wanted to hear from someone who did not know either of us. It would be the easy thing to do. I've never been in this situation before and I'm not used to having to worry about losing someone I want to be with.(Both my exes are exes because of relocation issues.) The truth is, he is totally worth it and I wouldn't even consider being w/ anyone else until I know for sure that he wants this to be over. So you really think I haven't lost him? So I should just act normal, and not ask any more about his sudden change, and wait??

(And no, I didn't want it to be over, I thought that was what he wanted but, was too chicken to do it. I have my pride and if I think someone is losing interest, I'm surely not going to wait to be cheated on and/or dumped.)

[turtlegirl]

listen chi.chi your name means a women with a thousand faces do i need to go on ladies and gentlemen :eek: :mad: :confused: ;)

That's not what 'Chi' means, but for future reference, 'women' is plural and 'woman' is singular (that means just one). Go back to bed.

[mike145k]

I just want to add to my advice by stateing a fact a man likes to feel wanted,liked ,loved ,cared for,etc.If you are interested in him for marriage then tell him that you care,of course,your love for him will do the talking,if your not going to marry him then stop it.remember we here at ask me care what happens to you as a junior expert I get tons of messages from people around the world thanking me so much ,I have kept many people from divorce and even some from suicide,I don't like to brag but I do have a reputation,as one of the greatest advicers, also I worked for the president of the usa as head advicer. :eek:

[shenda]

Have you ever met someone so miserable suffering from the if only's, should've of type syndrome. They refuse to own up to what they wanted because for whatever reason, they did not feel that they could rec'v it. I am a subscriber to the mind set... know what you want, be willing to pay the price,(whatever time is needed to invest)//most definitely, know it's worth and value to me. Having confidence knowing that what I want, I get. Never chicken-out, you may loose out... keeping you defensive and less relaxed to enjoy the totality of the moment. Rule of thumb... when a man, not a boy, there is a difference, but when a man thinks on your silence, it propels him to hunt after you. Think about it.

[mike145k]

shenda do not make matters worse by telling her to be some one she is not I say she needs to change her whole attitude,and start to realize men have a need and that is to be able to trust if a woman can make her spouse trust her,most likely the relationship will succed.