I apologize for the length already, but to fully understand my situation I feel I have to give the whole story.

So this girl I've been dating for about 4 months now tells me she needs time to clear her head... well let me start from the beginning

I met this girl at the gym I've been going to for years... She approached me

After a few weeks I notice how clingy and affectionate towards me she was, and to be honest it scared me some what, but I didn't run because I realized how much fun we had together and how much we both complemented each other. There were times when I told her I didn't feel like coming over and that I just wanted to hangout with my friends and it seemed like she would beg me to come or act sad that I was hanging out with just the guys.

Ok, so as time is going on we are spending a lot of time together (I thought it would be a mistake, but it just seemed to go right over my head because things were going great). So after all this time I started developing feelings for her because of what she told me, her affection towards me, and her eagerness to be with me.

So this leads to the first mistake I made we became official (which I feel she gave me strong hints that she wanted to) but any way it was too soon, happening about a month and a half after meeting each other. I guess it just didn't seem that soon at the time because we were spending so much time together, nearly every day, and I felt like we both knew each other fairly well and had strong feelings for her.

About a month goes by. Hits the fan one day after we had dinner and she ends up telling me she's still not over her previous relationship, doesn't want to be with him, just needs time to heal. And gave me a bunch of crap saying she feels like she can't give her full heart to me because she's not over that situation, but wants to be with me. She then says she wants to take a couple steps back and that she needs time to clear her head... now I'm confused and pissed, but I didn't show too much anger because I'm too nice of a guy and I still really liked this girl.

So I leave and don't talk to her the next day until she texted me that night, wich I made the conversation short, but not in an angry way. So then I don't initiate anything the next day because I figure she wanted time, but low and behold what does she do she starts texting me later that night and asks me to come over and hang out (second mistake I made... I went over and we had a good time and things were back to normal) I should have waited and for her to get her together... damn it

So the next month and a half we got a long great, but were back to being together nearly everyday... which I did not initiate 80% of the time just because of what had happened before... her saying she needed time and all that crap. But things were going great and I was developing stronger feelings for her.

So during all these good times there were a few things that bothered me, but hey I'm an easy going guy so I didn't let it get to me too much. The things were she kept mentioning her ex boyfriend, just like the one day she made a big deal the when we saw his car. So I sat down with her and told her that her talking about her ex in front of me and telling me things about him makes me feel like just because you basically told me your still in love with him, but you say you don't want to be with him. I told her if she was still talking to him that I think we need to take some time apart which she says she only does occasionly. She starts to freak out and said, what is this it your just ending it?

So we talk a while longer I leave by giving her a long hug ( which I feel now was a goodbye one) and tell her goodnight. So when I get home she starts texting me you're a great guy blah blah blah I never meant to lead you on... uhh well you did very good job at it (me thinking) I have strong feelings for you blah blah blah and then the classic phrase "i just need some time to clear my head" I say OK ill give your space to figure things out. She says I don't want this to be good bye and I agreed. She said thank you for understanding... ha at that moment I was so confused I was no where near fronm understanding.

So a friend of mine ended up seeing her out the one night and she was talking about our situation and said something like he won't even talk to me?"???? So then i decided to text her on the fourth (5 days after we had the talk) to wish her a happy one and i asked how she had been doing? She replies, "I'm all right... happy 4th" and thats it. So then the next day she randomly texts me and says, "Hey I just say your mom." I reply, "oh did you guys talk." She says, "yea we had a brief convo" and that was it.

So all I'm asking for is for someone to read this and help me out. Should I move on? Was she just making an excuse to text me yesterday? Or what was that about because she didn't need to tell me that you know? Do I initiate anything? AHH I'm so confused and hurt

The first impression I get, is you had instinct telling you right from the get-go, that things were moving too fast, and it just wasn't 100% right.

Turns out you were right. She still has strong ties, and an unresolved relationship with her ex. When that happens, and she still brings him up in conversation, and freaks when she sees his car, are all signs that she has not allowed herself to get over him.

That could be because she doesn't yet want to let him go.

Nobody can have an honest relationship when they have one on the go from the past, and one on the go into the future.

That's why it is so necessary to have time to really get over somebody. You know when you reach that point, and you know when you are ready to give yourself to another person to try again. It takes a lot more than a few weeks, otherwise everybody gets short changed.

It's also worth considering that you were the rebound guy. You were there when she needed somebody, and she enjoyed your company, and wanted to push the past out of her way and skip all the steps she should have taken, in order to be free to explore a new relationship with you.

Don't let her think that you are waiting in the wings, or hanging on her every word. You did nothing wrong in wishing her a happy 4th, but sometimes that kind of innocent contact can be seen as you opening the door for more.

I think you can do better, and deserve better. Someone without a relationship still hanging on that is not yet put to rest. You don't need to be second fiddle to anybody.

Knock it up to a good learning experience, and one that your instincts were right on.

I guess I kind of figured out what you just told me, but just didn't want to believe it. Her calling me, always wanting to be with me, and bringing me around her family didn't help bring me back to reality either.

So here's my view on the situation even though its hard for me to even say. She basically used me to get over her loneliness... which is what hurts the most because I now really care about her. I guess I feel dumb, hurt, and angry at myself for opening up so much.

Don't be too hard on yourself, we've all been there.

Think instead of all the good things you brought to that relationship, and where all those characteristics would have taken you with another woman, who could offer the same in return.

People deal with major events such as breakups in different ways. She probably knows its over with her ex, but she's not yet ready to let go. But as long as he's there, you are being short changed.

Who knows what lies ahead, but at least you have your dignity intact, and once the wounds heal, you'll be that much stronger and happier in the next relationship.

Good luck helpmeout.

Update: So I went to the gym today just as I do every day, and I just so happen to run into her. (note: that this is where we met and worked out together twice a week)

I was walking up to get a drink and I saw her on the treadmill. We both smiled at each other... ok no big deal, not to awkward

Like 10 minutes later she walks by me when I'm on a machine and I say hey and what ever

Her: nice hair cutt (now she is a hair dresser and has been cutting my hair while we were dating)
Me: what, what's wrong with it
Her: looks at me, nothing and walks away

So I continue my work out and I don't know, but it seemed like every so often when I glanced over she was looking at me. So I'm on a machine and she comes up to me and says:"Are you almost done with that sir"
Me: Yea just one more set but you can go ahead while I rest

After she gets done I ask her what's wrong with my hair cutt again and she tells me its all jacked up. I mean I don't have a sophisticated hair style just a fade you know... I think I would be able to tell

Oh yea and then she just left with out saying bye or anything to me. I don't know I just figured she would and that kind of ruined my day of feeling back to myself.

So what does that mean? Anything, or am I just thinking into things too much.

What it sounds to me is it is over. Move on. Be pleasant to her, but don't engage her in conversations. She obviously has issues with her X and maybe those same issues she is now transferring to you. Who knows what is going on in her mind. But you don't need to be dealing with whatever it is.

Just be a boss. I think she's done

I think any conversations she has with you at the gym are going to be just her stirring the pot.

If she says something and gets your attention- she scores a point. Don't let her do that to you.

Consider anything she says as inconsequential and meaningless. Don't dwell on it. Just let it go.

Hi guys, I have a similar love problem as helpmeout.. I love this girl for the last 3 years.. she knows clearly about it.. and we have shared a lot of good and bad times together.. there have been times when she cared for me.. there have been times when she ignored me, insulted me, etc. She has another guy in her life, that's her boyfriend. But that guy is not in the country now, and she hangs out with me as friends knowing that I really care for her..
Please help me.. its been 3 years now.. should I leave her and move on?
Or should I wait for her..?

Coming from the viewpoint of a girl, usually when a girl says she isn't over her ex, she does want to be with him. That is why she is not over him. Why else would she not be over him? If she want to "clear her head" like she said, let her. But don't initiate anything. Give her that space. If I were you, I would move on, but it all depends on how strong your feelings are for her. Listen to your heart.