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    spiderxx's Avatar
    spiderxx Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 21, 2015, 08:46 AM
    Should I ditch her?
    My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year. She is about 10 years older than I and makes slightly more money than me (we're both in the same industry). She has no loans, because her parents paid for her college, while I am still paying for my own, because I just graduated a couple of years ago.

    She wants me to pay for food when we go out, groceries when she shops (which sometimes I also eat, but she eats for 3 people, so what lasts me a week lasts her 2 days), and clothing. She asked for a very expensive ring, which took a chunk from my savings, which she doesn't even like and won't wear. And if I complain, she'll ask why I'm so calculating and why I'm so cheap... She also says the things I do don't count, since I was reluctant to do it, but my bank account doesn't see it that way... I'm losing hundreds to her every month.

    She also wants me to save so I can pay for wedding and a house. She first suggested we split these, but now changed her mind (which she doesn't allow me to do, she gets very unreasonably angry when I change plans) about wedding and saying since house is so much more expensive, she should just pay for house and it'd be the same. But she is very cheap and I know when it comes time to buy house, she's also going to force me to empty my savings.

    The other issue is, I told her we should wait for house and wedding (until I can afford it) and she didn't want to, she wants both as soon as possible. For this reason, it would only be fair if she paid for them... but she doesn't think this is reasonable logic.

    She also expects me to do the cooking and since she can't clean, I also have to do that. She has a very short temper and will blow up at anything. She can't take responsibility for anything... she betrayed her first ex and blamed him for feeding her food that increases her sex drive. Which is another problem, we had sex maybe once in three or four months and it's not even real sex, because we stop immediately, because she doesn't like it. She doesn't like kissing either. I've asked her what she enjoys, but she doesn't really give any real answers. It really doesn't seem she likes me at all.

    She says my complaints aren't valid, because her Chinese friends (she's Chinese) are worse than her and their husbands don't complain.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,894, Reputation: 5430
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    #2

    May 21, 2015, 09:01 AM
    Now, tell us three things you LIKE about her.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5645
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    #3

    May 21, 2015, 09:03 AM
    What do you like about her?

    This sounds like a relationship from he11.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692
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    #4

    May 21, 2015, 09:07 AM
    So, you tell her no, she tells you what to do, and you do it.
    If you can not afford a ring, you say no.
    If you can no afford a wedding, tell her then it is cancelled till money is saved.

    Stop paying for meals out, and suggest she cook.

    Sorry you need to man up on this.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #5

    May 21, 2015, 09:10 AM
    Yes. Ditch her. She wants a sugar daddy with having to do anything. If you enjoy being this doormat then continue on, other wise there are other fish in the sea. Just stay away from the lampreys.
    spiderxx's Avatar
    spiderxx Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    May 21, 2015, 09:13 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Now, tell us three things you LIKE about her.
    She's very witty, clever, funny. She's also very innocent most of the time. She's not like other people. I usually get bored of people quickly, but she's one person I don't get tired of, except when we argue, which has now become every other day. She's probably only person I seem to miss when we're apart.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #7

    May 21, 2015, 09:29 AM
    Wow. That's a big list. Does she have a similar list of her own? If your list continues to grow with resolving the early list items, what's the point of staying together. The worst thing, in my opinion, is to even think about getting married before these items are resolved.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
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    #8

    May 21, 2015, 09:59 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by spiderxx View Post
    She's very witty, clever, funny. She's also very innocent most of the time. She's not like other people. I usually get bored of people quickly, but she's one person I don't get tired of, except when we argue, which has now become every other day. She's probably only person I seem to miss when we're apart.
    This is where you need to do a proper pro/con or Cost Benefit analysis of the relationship. You've got, based upon your posts, a pretty solid CON column and a sparse PRO column. Keep in mind that it's hard to stop throwing good money(time) after bad here too. You've spent a good amount of time with this woman and you've got this nebulous set of positive feelings for her. Which makes the decision to leave hard. Mind you, you're contemplating it so there are feelings of dissatisfaction taken root here.

    The other useful exercise here is trying to decide if you can put up with this for the rest of your life. I can't see you, or many other people to be honest, being satisfied with this life. IF you are, more power to you. In the end you need to decide if this is something you can put up with because it isn't going to change or get better.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,894, Reputation: 5430
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    #9

    May 21, 2015, 10:08 AM
    I'm wondering if you actually enjoy all the drama and angst. If all that disappeared, would your relationship be too "boring"?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,225, Reputation: 10853
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    #10

    May 21, 2015, 11:36 AM
    Are you Chinese as well? Keep doing as you are told, and when you get broke, and tired of this crap, I suppose you will do something about it. Until your dignity, and self respect are more important, then it doesn't matter how disrespectful she is.

    Should I ditch her?
    What do YOU think?
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,691, Reputation: 1547
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    #11

    May 21, 2015, 02:36 PM
    Whew...you must really enjoy this because most people would have been out of this relationship long ago. Good luck to you.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #12

    May 21, 2015, 03:02 PM
    Read what you wrote as if one of your very good friends is saying it to you about their girlfriend and asking for your opinion. What would you tell him??
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,791, Reputation: 2604
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    #13

    May 21, 2015, 03:43 PM
    I'm with DoulaLC. Read what you wrote as if it were one of your friends. What would you tell him?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #14

    May 21, 2015, 04:05 PM
    Good lord... are you that desperate for companionship you would even have to THINK about being with her? I don't see ANY redeeming qualities in her... and trust me... its IMPOSSIBLE she is that good in bed (nobody is) so don't even think about it.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,225, Reputation: 10853
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    #15

    May 21, 2015, 04:13 PM
    You have had a preview of what life is like with her, so if you aren't happy now, marriage and a few kid won't make it better.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #16

    May 21, 2015, 04:22 PM
    Oh my god I can't believe one man can be so gullible.
    yyyyynnnnn's Avatar
    yyyyynnnnn Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    May 21, 2015, 04:53 PM
    Hi I am the woman spiderXX talking about. He is exaggerating some.

    1. we don't argue every other day, actually once a week or once a month, last time we fight would be around 1 month ago, when his grandma passed away. Actually he likes arguing a lot, between us he is more like woman, means he can argue for all small things. Recently I just wanted run away from arguing but he would go crazy hitting his wheel of car.

    2. We do have s once at each two or three weeks, not because I don't love him, just it hurts me. He likes kissing a lot which makes me run away... I do love him, but not all time stick mouths together.

    3. He didn't spend hundreds for me every month. Once a week or two weeks we go for shopping. Each time grocery will be around 60 dollars(2/3 times I pay, we eat outside half half, only recently he paid more because I nagged), we eat together sometimes, less than 200 I guess he paid every month. Last time he bought 100 clothes for me, not because he wanted but because he wanted to use Macy card, while my card did not support Macy. In order to save his money, most of time I made him stay in car while I shopping groceries.

    4. I want guys take most of financial responsibilities, as women likes gentlemen in our culture(from the beginning I've told him a lot we have huge age difference and culture difference, it will leads to unhappy result, but he insisted to solve problems)

    5. I have more money than him, seriously. I wanted to buy him gift which is less than 800 which was rejected by him, but when he reluctantly paid 100 for me his face... I can't forget that face, the face looks like walking to death.

    6. My first ex, I've talked to him, because he needs to know my history, but when I talk that part I was just shooting. In fact I was telling scientific logic to him. My first ex is my pain. Even now when I feel lonely I will cry out his name. I've betrayed him, maybe that's why I can't find perfect one. SpiderXX exclosed this thing to public, I'm very disappointed.

    7. Chinese women want guys treat her as princess, which american culture hate .

    8. I don't need his money at all, I'm rich I can say that! The only thing I want from him is love. Now he can pay some small stuff but when we have to have wedding(we will!) or house I would pay most of them, and will add his name on property file. Otherwise we are not family at all. Money is just number. I'm good enough let him quit job and support him financially. I can support at least 3 people's life, no problem.

    9. While he complains about money, it can drive me crazy, how much seriously you spent for me except ring?

    10. Money can tell a lot, if you can spend without thinking there are two possibilities. One is you are very confident, two you have rich parents. I like confident guys, I hope he can be that way. Maybe his history restricts him from spending money. I was the same at his age, so I can understand and wait. Most of times I only spend money on necessary stuff.

    11. The reason why yesterday we fight is: I said I'm hungry, he said what can I do for you? Of course in my mind I wanted he spoil me. So replied buy me snacks! Then he bought 5 dollar snacks for me with frowning face. Whenever I make him spend money he would frown frown frown. That's why I was mad and said cheap! Here I can promise to everyone! I will support him financially when he goes bankruptcy!

    12. He's better than average American guys to me. That's why I accepted to be with him forever.

    13. Last year I lost job in 3 months from top 5 company in the world. At that time I've cried only 5 minutes. Then around 8 days later I've decided to live at sea view house which is very expensive at California even after lost job. At that time my savings was only 10k around. So I am this kind of person, I am confident and know what I am doing. I plan as well calculating risks. As my age I need enjoy life but not become slaves of money.

    14. If I buy house probably my savings would become nearly zero, but I can keep making money.

    15. My mom borrowed me tuition because she knows I can pay back. I can pay back in less than 3 years.

    16. He likes talking about money way too much...
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,225, Reputation: 10853
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    #18

    May 21, 2015, 05:13 PM
    Thanks for sharing. We don't often get the other side of the story. Stop arguing, and talk, listen, and compromise. Or else don't get married. Frankly the thought of marriage may be a bit premature since working together to resolve your issues doesn't seem to be a strong suit at this point.

    Not even in the bedroom.
    yyyyynnnnn's Avatar
    yyyyynnnnn Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    May 21, 2015, 06:57 PM
    About s:
    He has very big XXX, makes me hurt. Plus one or two hours he doesn't c... He told me he had s with ex once a month. He has no much sexual drive as others, this is his own words.

    Most of time he also wanna quit, seems like he doesn't even enjoy.
    He said he c...ed once or twice each year maybe............
    Now He blames... Wow didn't know have to say this much...

    Maybe we have to see doctor.
    yyyyynnnnn's Avatar
    yyyyynnnnn Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    May 21, 2015, 07:43 PM
    About cook:
    We cooked half half. I cooked more seriously.
    He doesn't allow me clean yelling it's not clean enough!
    I've cooked my tradional cooking but he didn't cook traditional food for me never!
    He literally says he want to me cook!
    I feel humiliated by him. OBviously I don't deserve his love!
    The only thing he cook is instant food. He's not sincere to me.

    Many times he sleeps when I do housework. Claiming he's sick!
    Come on! You have pollen allergy! You are sick half year! So u should sleep half year?

    U only remember what you did for others.

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