Hi,

I'm 35 and have had a really hard time finding someone. I'm beyond ready to date. I've had trouble attracting women my whole life.

Before you offer advice, I'll describe what I've already tried.

Rewind back to my teenage years.

15-25 years old. I had acne and was skinny. 6'0 135 pounds. All I ever heard from women as comments was how skinny I was and obviously I must not have been attractive as, through what should have been my most fun romantic years I was lonely and ashamed for not being what women wanted. The depression and lonliness effected my work, my life and I just didn't care about myself to achieve anything. I felt worthless. I had no car, never had a stable job and felt like a total loser.

26-30 years old. My acne cleared up and I finally gained some weight and appeared more normal. 6'0" 160 pounds. I still didn't have any women flirting with me but I figured if I got my life together, got a good job, a car and a decent place to live someoone would surely want to be with me. I found some confidence in myself and decided to work towards improving my life. I got a car and eventually a decent job. Even went to college for a while.

31-33 years old. I decided that if a woman didn't like me by now I must not be physcally manly enough. I went to the gym with a friend. Lifted weights. Ate enormous amounts of food. I was stronger than ever in life. I achieved my goals and then some. Got up to 6'0" 210 pounds. Still, no women were interested.

34-35 years old. I decided that maybe I overshot what women wanted. So I dieted and trained my body differently to lose weight and look more normal and healthy again. I signed up for several online dating sites. Put up what I thought the best pictures of me were. I put positive things about me on my profile. Tried really hard to make it a good profile. Hardly any women answered. Women who were much older and very overweight sent messages, but I'm sorry, I take care of my health and try to be attractive and work hard. I don't want someone who is lazy and disgusting and obviously doesn't care about how she looks. I want someone of a like mind. She doesn't have to be perfect, just normal. I'm really not picky.

I did go out on a few dates but they just didn't work out. Tonight's datet just made me feel like totally giving up. She went out with me a week ago and then went out with me tonight again. I was really trying and I liked her. Even though I just started a new and better job, my money is tight, but I paid for our dinner. We played some pool. When she went to get more quarters for another game I kind of asked god if she could be the one I marry someday? After the game I asked her if she wanted to go out again. Then she said she didn't think we were a match. I honestly didn't see it coming. I thought she was liking me. Right after she said that my eyes drift over to a couple at a table kissing for what seemed like the first time. I had to fight back tears so hard. I just wanted someone to kill me, get it over with.

I seriously just feel like giving up. I have no one to talk to about this. I have no where to turn. I searched for some place to post this to just try and get it out.

I have tried everything short of plastic surgery and other fake alternatives. I guess I must be ugly because I know I'm nice and can be funny and everything. At this point I figure I have no choice but to change my face or something drastic if I want to be loved. I am just starting to believe there is no such thing as love. Just people that think the other person is good looking and excuse all other things around that and call it love. I can't say it's real. I have love in my heart for others. I care about people and have plenty of love to give but no woman seems to want my love. It's far beyond that point of having any excuses. I just have to accept that there isn't anyone out there who is going to love me. I'm honestly for the first time thinking of just stopping the love I show. I'll go out on dates but expect the woman to give something first. If she doesn't say she likes me by the end of the date, just leave. Don't say anything. When I figure she's judged me, just leave. Don't be polite and try to win her over. Just fricken ditch her. That would save me the humiliation and make me feel like I have some kind of control.

I'm just tired of giving and never seeing things come back around. Karma doesn't exist. God seems like a big lie and life truly is not fair, never will be and it seems that to save my life and sanity I'll have to just toughen up and forget about love. It's the biggest lie ever. Darwin was right. If a female senses that your genes aren't good enough, you won't be mating. Seems like it must be true. Cold, hard truth, but it's truth.

My take on this, you're trying to hard to make yourself into something you're not. You gained weight to find someone, you lost weight to find someone, you started working out to find someone. There's something to be said for trying too hard.

My advice to you, stop worrying so much about what other people think, what other people want, just be yourself.

There is someone out there for you, but until you can accept yourself for who you are, she won't be able to see you either.

Good luck.

My goodness. I'm going to tell you something. This is assuming you are an actual nice guy. I know that you're good on paper but if you are also a good person then I will share something with you. The women you are attracted to and dating can smell the fear on you.
They can tell you are not sure of yourself. You don't seem to like yourself very much so why would they like you. You need to first begin to love yourself. Believe it or not, the women will be able to smell the confidence on you also. Confidence comes across stronger than good looks in some instances. Don't just try to act confident. Realize that you are a good catch and actually be confident,you have every reason to be.

Have you gone blind dates?. do you flirt with girls? Have you ever been intrested in A girl? How did you acted in front of her?. flirted?

Do you really believe this garbage? I mean seriously. Someone is going to like me because of something I think? Smell fear? Do you have any science to backup this advice? I for one KNOW you are full of it because I've tried it all. From being confident to being strong and silent to being geeky and goofy (which is me), to being everything you can imagine. Women go on what a guy looks like, how tall he is, how nice his face it, how full his hair is, etc.

I'm a scientific thinker. I test theories. I prove theories. If thinking positive actually worked, I would have long since got a great relationship. You're going to have to come up with some better advice than that old junk. I tested a theory. I went out with a friend 3 years ago who I know the ladies think is hot. Me and my friend got some women at work to go out with us. This guy didn't say anything. I was doing more to draw positive attention by joking and bringing up topics for everyone to joke about. I was doing pretty good that night. The two women went to the bathroom and when they came back they BOTH started to get with my friend and acted like I was not interesting enough to flirt with. They laughed at my jokes, seemed interested in what things I talked about but when it came down to it, my good looking friend got the sexual attention.

I suppose you're going to tell me that I needed to confident? I was. Myself? I was. Any other bright theories on this?

Thanks for the advice, but I believe I need something more advanced than the standard "think positive" talk. Same thing with Altenweg's advice above. It's insuffiencient and not helpful to suggest that I don't love myself. If I didn't care about myself I wouldn't improve my life or try to find someone who will love me. Plain and simple, it's the women I've dated who need to start being better people. The thing I've notice about women is they convieniently blame it on the poor nice guy who gets rejected instead of giving helpful advice.

You are only proving my point. Now I'm sorry that you feel so hostile about it and I understand you being a scientific thinker or whatever but sir I am a woman. Your good looking friend probably got the girls because he wasn't trying nearly as hard as you. I did not mean for you to fake confidence, OK. I meant really have the confidence. I am a 37yr old woman. I am attractive if I just have to say it, so I do know what I am talking about. You say you have tried everything but it only sounds like you are trying to trick women into believing something about you that you don't even believe. Now if you don't trust this, that's OK. You just keep doing what you've been doing. I really was just trying to help.

You really don't see it do you? Read what you just wrote. It's amazing really, you went from the nice guy we read about in your original post, to the indignant guy in the post above. If this is the way you are here, I can only imagine what you are like in the "real" world.

When I first read your original post I thought to myself, here's a guy that just needs to be a bit more confident, has to stop trying so darn hard to be what he thinks women want. Now, after reading this last post, I understand why you are alone, That one sentence speaks volumes.

I understand that you are frustrated, but until you realize what the real problem is, you won't get anywhere, and since you're not willing to listen there's nothing we can do.

By the way, I'm 37 years old, not to toot my own horn, but I'm considered attractive, when I was younger I was the girl no one approached, when I finally asked someone why, I was told that I'm out of their league. I got of my butt and I approached people, once they realized that I'm more than my outward appearance they accepted me as a nice person who just happens to be pretty.

My husband of 13 years, he's almost bald, a bit overweight, he hasn't changed much since I met him. I once had someone say "You two don't match on the outside", well, we do on the inside, he's my best friend, the love of my life, my partner in every way. You aren't allowing people to get past the outside appearance, when you finally do then you'll find someone, until then, you'll be alone.

Good luck.

Sorry to say this but you may be dating women beyond your league. If so, the probability of rejection is higher but you can be lucky and hit the jackpot! Date more to improve the chances of hitting the jackpot!

Are you cheap? And complain about gas prices. Most woman don't like that . Even if you say the slightest comment on money it's a turn off. Watch out for that. Best of Luck

Very, very well put Altenweg.

Listen to what the women here are telling you... it's true. You can be the most ripped guy with the most money in the world... but what good does it do when you don't approach women? You can be a one eyed leper and if you still have the confidence to approach girls and you have the ability to talk to them, you'll at least get a number.. . it may be a fake number, but you'll at least get it.

Your post is filled with superficial things you tried to improve on... your looks... your money... job... car... etc. Sure, they help... but really, all you could have done was to improve your self-esteem issues and work on approaching girls and talking to them, and it would have taken less than a year.

It's convenient to blame the victim and not address the rampant materialism and looks-driven attitude of MOST of the attractive women out there. There are a few attractive women who aren't complete snobs but they too eventually show it's about looks.

I told that story above about taking out my "good looking" friend and did you see how the women in this thread reacted? They tried to turn it around like I was some guy who didn't deserve to be flirted with. If I would have told another story how I just sat there on another occasion in years past and kept to myself (like my 'hot' friend did) and the ladies still ignored me, then you would have had these same women turning their attack on me around to be more like, "well then it was probably because you didn't open up and be more funny". Instead this time it was the "well maybe you were trying too hard" bull excuse. Looks like when a man who isn't attractive and gets rejected complains then women will find some reason to blame him for not being good enough somehow.

Let this thread be a lesson to you. If you are an ugly/rejected guy and complain, then you set yourself up for a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" excuse-fest from the ladies who just want to be able to crush on their hotties without the guilt of leaving out the other guy at the table.

Again, it's either "you're trying too hard" or "you aren't open or funny enough". These are just excuses and total BS. Sorry girls, don't even try to lie here.

I can tell you it's about "looks" and Darwin's own observations on females in species across the spectrum. It's about genetics. I have a few acne scars on my face. I have a slightly receded hairline. I was once skinny and don't have thick bones on my wrists which all of these are tale-tell signs of inferior genes in nature. The women recognize this and no matter how I've used my intelligence and willpower to overcome those weaknesses, they are still seen as weaknesses by women by instinct, whether they realize it or not.

Women can't stand to think they are superficial so they make up some lame excuses on why these men that are rejected are the 'problem'. When in reality it's physical appearance and genetics.

If it's not about genetics, then why are women so insistent on a tall man? Don't give me any stupid excuse about 'shoes'. If it's not about physical appearance then height would not matter. I actually feel lucky I'm not a short guy. They get cut on by women for how they were born to be and it's cruel but you won't see any women making legitimate excuses for this type of dating discrimination. It's the same with me, only it's not about height. It's about other instinctive observations that eliminate me as a mate. Plain and simple. Don't let these women try and tell you otherwise. Again, they will probably try to make up some excuse how I must be some mean guy or something. I assure you, I'm a really nice guy. Polite, honest, caring, loving, full of hope and wonder. I just have this problem being accepted as a boyfriend by the opposite sex.

It sounds like you have a lot of issues and insecurities with your appearance. You know women do like a cute guy, but that DEFINITELY is not everything. How are your social skills? Are you good at conversation? People person? Personality? Dress nice have manners? Don't come across as too cheap. You should always pay for the first couple of dates, it's classt and charmful. Everything in your post was based upon appearance. I think you may need to work on the personality aspect, the charm aspect, the game aspect. Perhaps go seek some prefessional help, because honestly, it sounds like you are way to down on yourself. There's a world full of women out there and we all like different types of men. Get out more. Play the field. And most of all, have confidence, but don't be caulky. Be funny, but not too sarcastic. Be yourself.

Sadguy, you are a hypocrite. Women are supposed to accept you and not judge you based on looks, but that's what you do. One of your other posts stated that when you had joined the dating site only fat unattractive women responded, they weren't good enough for you. So, if looks shouldn't matter then why do they matter so much to you?

Also, based on every post but your first, honey, you aren't such a nice guy. You are very rude. You asked for advice and when we gave it to you, based on our observations, you rejected it, and started being very rude. If this is how you act when you are on a date and things don't go exactly as you want, then I understand why you are single.

We aren't professional therapists, we are just people who give a bit of our time to help others. Lumping all women into your narrow little view, well that's unacceptable, I take offense to that, I can only imagine how the women you meet face to face feel.

If you want to solve your problem and don't accept what we are telling you then go to a therapist. I bet you he/she will say the same thing we've already told you, but you are beyond the point were your are willing or able to listen to good advice.

I wish you luck, unless you change your attitude you will probably remain alone.

Sad guy, I read your original post and was actually feeling quite empathetic, and really wished I could give you a hug. After reading your other posts, all I feel is sympathy for the women you try to date, if this is your attitude. I can see the reason you are alone is because you are extremely disrespectful, and a downright angry human being.

Some gorgeous people can get ugly really quick with this sort of attitude, and some not so handsome people can be the most beautiful thing in your eyes if they have a good heart, and attitude. I don't see any of these qualities here! You have said you have a good heart, but I find that very hard to believe with the things you have said to the people here. You have a hardened heart, and you are jaded, and until you get some help with that, you will never find anything but shallow women!

You ever see a really obese guy with a really cute looking girl?. I have, and I immediately think, "what...the...? Is that guy rich?" Then... I realized that the guy isn't rich, nor is he attractive by any country's standards.. . it's about how he held himself. Sure, girls flock to good looking guys with money... but do you REALLY want that girl? You say most girls go after good looking guys, but I strongly disagree. I don't think myself as being attractive in any way, nor am I rich... heck, I'm a poor college grad. However, every girl I've dated has been good looking, and I've gotten the "how'd you get her?" look millions of times.

Yes, Darwin said that the strongest (in this case, the most attractive) will win... but if everything Darwin said was correct, we wouldn't have idiots that come onto this thread asking how to get pregnant... while they're using a birth control. Darwin's theory would have wiped them out years ago.

Don't put everything on looks and money. Sure, they have the advantage, so what?

Seriously. I go into a singles bar of people. No women make eye contact with me. I pretty much feel like I'm better off leaving after looking around. Every group I engage, even the least acceptably attractive woman in the group claims to have a boyfriend. I know it's BS because there can't be that many women in one place without their man and talking to other guys after I've sat somewhere else. I guess they just knew my personality in the loud room after a mere minutes of talking. Riiiiighht.

I put up a profile on serveral online dating sites. I only get messaged by 45 year old fat women who couldn't get the ugliest man in the world to go out with her. When I message any average to good looking woman on there, I get no reply. My profile is setup to show that I want to meet someone to go out with as friends first but someone who I would like to eventually date. I didn't put up some lame profile that makes me look like some player. Even after my careful attention to my profile and trying to put some decent but not too well done pictures to show what I look like, they are just ignored.

Since April, 2007 I have went out on only 6 dates after messaging well over 400 profiles of women on various dating sites within 7 years of my age (28-42) and of whom were of various levels of looks, intelligence, personalities. I have gotten responses from probably around 25 or so women who stopped sending messages because they changed their mind or met someone they like better. I ended up with no date with those women.

Out of that many women, I got dates with only 1.5% of the women I messaged. Of the women who messaged me first and I liked, none of them followed through with going out on a date with me. They flaked out. I was never in anyway rude or mean.

Of the women I went out on a date with, two of them were 30 pounds heavier than their pictures online. :eek:

That leaves the remaining 4 of the dates I got being women who I would consider "average" looks. Not even good looking but attractive enough for me to be intereseted in dating. None of them ended up being worth dating.

The first one... the night of the date we were to meet at 7:30pm, she picked the time. Starting at 7:15pm, she kept calling every 15 minutes to say she would be another 15 minutes late for an hour and a half, then she got pissed at me for saying I was getting a bit irritated having to wait in the parking lot outside the restaurant that long while people on the patio outside stared at me and wondered what the hell I was doing sitting in my car through 3 sets of customer's dinners. She was mad at me? She set the time to be there! OMFG! I was 10 minutes EARLY. I couldn't wait to meet her. I was so happy to have a date! That's called RESPECT. She obviously could wait to meet me. She was an hour and a half late. DISRESPECT! I had a right to say how I felt and she deserved it. I couldn't imagine EVER doing that to someone. I would just call the date off if I couldn't make it.

The second one was too religious for me, she was weird and talked about Jesus so much I was starting to think she was referring to an ex-boyfriend named Jesus.

The third woman made things so weird. She literally never made eye contact with me. She looked everywhere but at me. Talk about me feeling self-concious. I actually went to the bathroom and checked for anything in my teeth, or buggies in my nose or something that would make her do that. Couldn't find anything. So, I got a complex that she must not be looking me in the eyes because I must be unattractive.

The fourth woman was the one I described last night and I got a second date and actually liked her and she gave no indication she wasn't into me. I was feeling so nice and tried to keep calm but happy and show her who I am. She was NOT at all perfect looking but seemed like someone I could really love someday after more time together.

Now, I would like to think I'm an intelligent enough guy, 135 IQ, and have a decent amount of common sense to realize when things aren't going well. I'm not stupid. I know how to be respectful and courteous. I paid for every one of my dates and didn't complain about it once.

There is no way in hell a guy like me should be single when it comes to the qualities I know I have inside as a person. There is only one explanation I can come up with and it's got to be that I'm just not someone women like to look at. For one reason or another. It's sad and I've tried very hard to figure out some way to make myself desirable both physically and mentally/emotionally. I worked hard, devoted my full attention and as much money as I could to dress nicer, smell nicer, get a hair cut that fits my hairline and face and looks decent enough. I stopped short of going to a plastic surgeon or a hair club. I didn't want to be fake, but I wanted to be the best 'I' could be naturally. I got into great physical shape at two drastically different bodyweights to try and make myself marketable to women. They didn't seem to notice.

At this point I am going to accept that women want looks. I'm very likely going to take out two loans to get hair transplantation on my hairline and some plastic surgery to remove acne scars and make me look less like a nice guy and more masculine. When I go this route I will never treat a woman with respect or that love is real. I will know what it's really all about. I won't marry anyone and will just live my life as I see fit on my terms. I can't respect women after what I've gone through. I've tried but when you haven't been given respect after you've been respectful too many times, you start to see women differently. I wish I had come to these conclusions 10 years ago and had spent most of the rest of my young life having things my way instead of being alone and confused about why I wasn't wanted.

Sneezy I agree. I have to say, I was considered the gorgeous girl who married the okay looking guy. I've dated guys that would have any women turning their head, you know what, most of those guys walked around like they were all that and a bag of chips, their personalities sucked, and I quickly kicked them to the curb.

I've also dated guys like the OP, not, perhaps, the best looking guys, but with a chip on their shoulder so large it was visible. I don't need to be someone's ego booster, a pretty thing on their arm to show off to their friends, so they quickly got kicked to the curb as well.

My hubby, he's not gorgeous (neither am I anymore ;)) he's not ugly, he's just an ordinary guy. When I look at him I see something else, I see the wonderful, funny, kind, caring, intelligent man that I fell in love with. When I first met him I barely gave him a second glance, but the longer I knew him the better he looked. He is as beautiful on the inside as he is on the outside.

Sadguy, you have a huge chip on your shoulder, I can see it from here. Until you break it down and get rid of it, you won't get anywhere. That's the truth, like it or lump it.

Good luck.

I am not this way by choice but this way by experience. You cannot judge why I've changed from someone sincere and kind into someone thoroughly fed up until you walk in my shoes for all those lonely years.

I didn't read all the posts here so forgive if I repeat anything

My take on this is that you are playing a pity party.. why go on here and ask for advice and then shoot down every bit of advice that come your way.. what do you want us to say?

Do you want us to say.. oh poor you, this world is so unfair, wah wah.. I believe that we all make our own happiness, you appartenlty have chosen unhappiness.. that's NOT our (women) fault..

And yes there is such thing as a woman being able to sense when a guy is trying too hard.. how do you think animals in the animal kingdom pick there mates? They go by instincts, much like human beings..

Wow you need a reality check, it's about fixing you.. and YES THAT'S THE ANSWER!! It's right in front of your face, and you chose not to except it..

Go on and keep thinking the problem is women.. but look around.. most men your age are pared up with a woman.. see a trend here?