My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and I'm wondering why he does not want to move in with me. We meet in high school we started dating in 2005 when I was a freshman and he was a senior. I am now 20 and he is 22. We have only ever been with each other and have never taken any breaks in our relationship. We are both going to be attending College in Philadelphia (two different colleges with proximity to each other) and we both need a place to live. Clearly the natural progression is to find our first place together (we both still live with our parents currently). It would clearly make more sense financially and it would be safer for me because Philly is one big **** hole and there is no safe area. He knows I will not be able to rent a place on my own due to $ issues. Also, all of the dorms are full. He keeps telling me that we are not ready to move in together and it is breaking my heart. He tells me that he thinks he will get no freedom if we live together and that us living together might break us apart. But then he will say maybe he will move in with me and contradicts himself. Also, when we fight he will throw it in my face and say “this is why I don't want to move in with you.” I don't know what to do. I live currently one hour and thirty minutes from school so commuting will be hell. Someone please give me the advice I need
P.S. I found a one bedroom apartment for 600 in a somewhat scary neighborhood. I will be going to school full time and I will be waitressing also with my car payment (300 monthly) and utilities (150 monthly) and miscellaneous things my bills will be at least 1300. Does anyone think this is possible for me on my own (with a small amount of help from my parents) HELP!!

How did you miss out on the dorms? Were you already assuming you would be living with your boyfriend?

Obliging him to move in with you is not a good idea.

@wondergirl


The dorms are just as expensive as an apartment and his school does not offer dorms. Also in the begging we were even looking for apartments together and all of a sudden he changed his mind so Im not obliging him to move in with me. He already promised then took it back

How convenient is his school to apartments? And what if you two were in the same building but in separate apartments?

Is he looking for an apartment for himself?

@wondergirl our schools are 3 miles apart from each other. His is the art institute and mine Temple University. We live in Allentwon now with our parents and that is about 1 1/2 hours from philly. He has looked at places on his own yes. As well as I have. But, we were looking in the beginning of the summer together for an apartment then he suddenly changed his mind. Our school starts on aug 29th I'm running out of time

So why not live in the same building but in separate apartments? Is there public transportation, so that you could give up your car to save money?

The point is that I cannot afford to live on my own If I could I would. I need to share a place with him because of rent money.

Then you're really putting him into a bind. If he's no longer interested in sharing a place, then you're going to have to commute or wait a year and save up money meanwhile.

You said, "We have only ever been with each other and have never taken any breaks in our relationship," and he's saying the two of you are not ready to move in together. Something in the relationship is scaring him -- the fact that he hasn't dated anyone else and his fear that he won't have any freedom (to date?) maybe?

He's going to meet lots of new people (including females) during college, females he may want to date and get to know better. He won't be able to do that if the two of you are sharing an apartment, because you won't understand his absences or not telling you things about his social life.

In other words, he doesn't want to be tied down right now.

Contact your student housing office.

Even if the dorms are full, they can often put you in touch with other students searching for roommates.

If he's balking at moving in together, after FIVE YEARS of dating... then maybe it's time for BOTH of you to date someone else.

I am sure you will find shared apartments, where they rent rooms out. It seems he is not ready to live together, it may be a sign of things to come, or it may be a step he is not ready to do yet

Have you asked him to explain what he means by 'freedom'? I somehow get the impression that you might have different expectations for living in Philadelphia.

How early in the summer did he change his mind and how long have you been trying to change it back?

May I ask why you are going to school in a city you obviously do not like and if you have been as derogatory in talking about Philadelphia with your boyfriend as you have been here? Does he share your feelings?