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    Eva's Avatar
    Eva Posts: 3, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Nov 10, 2005, 02:44 AM
    Married Man Troubles
    I know why did I even get involved with a married man? Well I've just come out of a bad marriage myself and he understood what I've been feeling so it seemed like not that bad an idea.. and initially we said that it would be purely sex.. but he was realllllyyy good. And I got emotionally attached... argh.

    And he says he's leaving his wife.. but doesn't want her to know about me.. doesn't want it to be about another woman.. I can understand it on one level, he's got a kid and so it'd be better if it wasn't a messy seperation/divorce. So he's pulling away from me.. but then he messages me and says that he wants me so bad that it hurts and that it's killing him.. and so then we drift back towards something... something that he won't name... and then he pulls away again.. this time because his wife found my number on his mobile bill which he told her was his mum's number.

    I can understand that he wants his separation to be as painless as possible. But as someone who's just gone through that very thing no matter how you do it it's going to hurt. I spent twelve months trying to figure out how to leave without hurting my husband.. Twelve wasted months.

    I guess my issue really is that I love him, regardless of how bad a situation this is.. and I'm trying to figure out how to make him feel that it's OK that things are a little tempestous at the moment, but that I love him and I want to support him through this because I know just how awfully hard it is, but that it's really emotionally draining on me for him to be so on again off again...

    I just don't know why I can't let go of this... Don't know why I can't just say to hell with him and let him sort his own **** out.. because I'm not in the greatest place at the moment either.. Eight years of a ****ed marriage, and not a month out and I've ****ed six guys and now am wanting another relationship? Why do I even think that after a month I can be in love already? It's all a really bad idea.. he's 14 years older than me, and we work together and he has a kid.. it's a really really bad idea.. so why does it feel so good and so right?
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
    Ultra Member

    Nov 10, 2005, 04:17 AM
    I am probably not the best person to help you out on this one - I am only 21yrs, never been married etc. But I was very much in love with a guy. We were together for 2yrs. It broke down and I went with guy after guy. It was a way of coping. A way of feeling wanted and not feeling alone. But the truth is you only feel worse afterwards. I fell into a relationship with a guy; only to find out he had a girlfriend and child and I felt really used and very confused. He said he loved me and was going to leave his girlfriend for me; but he never did. He just strung me along, made me believe he had left his girlfriend, but hadn't. I was more than certain I wanted to be with him and it was the real thing; but having ended it and come out the other side I realise that I was just searching for something to make me feel whole again. I was so so lost. It is only now nearly two years later, that I am really happy with my life and I know that I have moved on and got over my past.

    I now have a new guy in my life and although it has only been a month; I do see a future ahead for us. I have learnt to take things a step at a time. I am a much stronger person these days.

    I personally would say this man is trying to have his cake and eat it. He is keeping you hanging on a loose thread; which is really unffair on you. He probably has no intention of leaving his wife. You should break free and concentrate on yourself for a bit. Do something for yourself; perhaps doing hobbies that you used to enjoy or even take up a new hobbie; just keep you mind occupied. Given some time you will be able to put everything in perspective and feel independent once again. The right man that deserves you; and that can really care for you will appear when you least expect it. Don't settle for second best!!

    Hope this helps.
    NeedKarma's Avatar
    NeedKarma Posts: 10,635, Reputation: 1706
    Uber Member

    Nov 10, 2005, 04:47 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Eva
    Eight years of a ****ed marriage, and not a month out and I've ****ed six guys and now am wanting another relationship?? .. he's 14 years older than me, and we work together and he has a kid.. it's a really really bad idea.. so why does it feel so good and so right?
    Red flags are going off everywhere reading that part. Plus he says he's leaving his wife - suuuure he is. Just to be clear on one point: you've slept with 6 guys in one month?

    Better to lay off relationships for a while especially with (a) people you work with (b) married men.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,928, Reputation: 674
    Ultra Member

    Nov 10, 2005, 05:49 AM
    Married men
    So you will know where I am coming from, I am 63, married 28 yrs (second marriage). First only lasted 7 yrs.
    I am so sorry to read about this; but, unfortunately as you say, why did I do this?
    Getting involved with a married man is a mistake, as I'm sure you already know.
    Also, having sex with all these men must have been fun, but what are you really looking for? You can have men friends, but I would put a stop to it, just for a little while, maybe 3 or 4 months, and try figuring out what you really want.
    It feels "so good and so right" only because you want it to; but the truth is, it's not good or not right.
    Have you considered talking, in confidence, with someone? Such as a minister, priest, clergyman, or even some type of Counselor?
    After your marriage ended, you are searching for something. Talking with someone else, in confidence, can help. After my first marriage ended, I though my "world" had ended. After a few months, I started going out with other woman again, and after 2 yrs, found a wonderful woman, who is now my wife.
    Please talk with someone. You are on the road to self-destruction, or possibly destroying another marriage, and neither is good.
    I do sincerely wish you the very best, and I know everything will work out for your future, if you will talk with someone.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member

    Nov 10, 2005, 08:32 AM
    Married guys leave their wives FOR their misstress about 3% of the time.

    He used you... BUT, you said it was purely for sex... so you broke the rule.

    NEVER get involved with a married man. HE WILL lie to you time after time to keep the sex going.

    He Won't leave his wife for you.

    Friends with benefits never works because some one always gets emotionally attached AND ALWAYS GETS HURT.

    Go find a nice availbel SINGLE MAN. NOW!!

    "People want what they can't have" - he's unavaialble to you and it's a challenge.

    STOP using your feelings for this guy so much and use logic!! Please.

    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
    Uber Member

    Nov 14, 2005, 06:37 PM
    I basically agree with the other posters on this thread. He will not leave his wife for you. He probably can't afford to ; child support and alimony get awfully expensive, not to mention legal fees. Do you earn enough to support him as well as yourself? You'd have to if he were to put himself through a divorce for your sake. If you remain attached to this man you'll only get hurt. Better to get out right away and don't look back. People often seem far more attractive when we're on the rebound than in less emotionally charged times. Once the smoke clears up from your divorce you'll probably find that this man doesn't even interest you. In your situation I'd wait at least a year before even considering having a relationship with anyone. This probably isn't what you want to hear but it's the smart thing for you to do.
    letmeno's Avatar
    letmeno Posts: 215, Reputation: 23
    Full Member

    Nov 14, 2005, 06:56 PM
    As the married woman that you once were, you should already know exactly how these types of stories end. Wife finds out, wife proceeds to leave husband, husband begs for forgivness from wife, other woman spends nights alone while her lover smooths things over @ home, husband and wife reconcils, other woman ends up alone. The end.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,305, Reputation: 7692

    Nov 14, 2005, 08:00 PM
    Been there
    Ok, I can't talk about all men, but I have been that man at some point in my life.

    First is he really separating, I was "seperating" from my wife for about 5 years till the other women got tired of all the stories. If he is telling her one set of stories, it is easy for him to tell you another set of stories.

    He may have found newer interest. It is not uncommom at all for the man who is cheating on his wife, to also be cheating on his mistress.

    So you need to first know he is separating, has he moved out?
    If not why?

    Next no separation is good, even the best will have a few major issues.

    Next he may be concerned about losing his shirt in a divorce if there is another women to be used against him.

    And in the end, he may be wanting to lead you on, while making up with his wife also.
    Katiy's Avatar
    Katiy Posts: 56, Reputation: -3

    Nov 15, 2005, 02:37 AM
    He has a wife
    Why don't you grow up a bit? What's wrong with you, that you can't find someone that isn't married? You are suffering from low self esteem.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member

    Nov 15, 2005, 09:31 AM
    Facts are facts and the married guy leaves th wife for the MISTRESS about 3% of the time. The married guy has his story (MASSIVE LIE) to try and keep you on a string. It's all BS fot sex. You were used.

    FIND AN Available MAN. Life begins then.

    You ONLY have heartache and suffering with a married guy

    I agree - grow up.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,297, Reputation: 10854

    Nov 15, 2005, 11:44 AM
    What is it that makes women spend (WASTE)time with a married man?Is life so bad you would settle for a little part-time love? Don't you have a job or friends or hobbies to something ,anything to put your time into.Why put your heart and soul into some cheatin sob who you know tips on his wife(and probably you too)and lies to the females of his life? I don't get it. What is it you really need?(not want-need) I bet there a mature male who is single and would appreciate a good female for fun and laughs out there.get your head straight first,then get life.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member

    Nov 15, 2005, 01:33 PM
    Yep... the married guys use and abuse. WHY don't these woman go see the wife and kids they are destroying?

    But they are sick in the head I believe. Sadly.

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