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    Samantha0808's Avatar
    Samantha0808 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 10, 2020, 12:47 PM
    Identifying disrespectful behaviors
    I was dating a guy for close to two months. When we started dating, he clearly mentioned that he was not looking for a relationship, and that he wants to form a companionship and see where things went. I was in agreement, and I told him clearly that I was not looking for sex or a friends with benefits set up, and he was in agreement too. On the first date itself I noticed a red flag, where I was talking about myself and he disrupted and changed the topic. I raised my concern and he said I am being dramatic. However, we resolved the conflict and proceeded further. Clearly we both were attracted to each other, and we had a great time together. He started behaving like this was a relationship and he told me that he would like to step up and that he doesn't want to mess this up. After 3 dates and after we had sex, he came back and told me that he cannot be in a relationship, because his priorities are all over the place, and that he needs to figure out what he wanted in life. However, he would like to be friends. We stayed friends. I clearly asked him if I was his sex buddy, and he was like 'I am not in this for sex'. We agreed to be exclusive. He would call me everyday and talk to me mainly about his day, his life, his past, his plans etc. And things progressed again and took the form of a relationship. He would never ask about me, but always talk about himself. He would come over to meet me (2-3 times a week), we go for walks, he sleeps over at my place, he spent the weekend with me for my birthday and got me gifts, however any time I raise a concern about any simple thing, he dismisses saying I am being dramatic. He doesn't usually text. He calls whenever he gets the chance, and I never complained. But when his calls reduced, I asked politely if he could drop me a text when he is busy, he was like he is not that kind of a person, and I felt bad. When I said i felt bad, he replied saying 'you are not my girlfriend that I should keep sending you texts about my whereabouts'. And later, he would be fine, he would treat me well again, and calls me and talks to me and says things like - 'I don't really express a lot, but I genuinely care for you'. And he also acts on my complaints, he texts or calls and says 'you are not dramatic, I know sometimes I don't express things well'. He used to tell me that 'You are different, one of a kind, special, I would never hurt you even if things end between us, and I want to be in touch with you always, because you are really nice'. He seemed always confused about what he wanted in life, he wanted to be dentist, or become a bartender, or move to downtown because he loved downtown and he believed his life was there. He also talked bad about all his exes, and he had told me that he never got attached to anyone, and that he doesn't believe in love. He is an emotional guy from within, he loves his mom and sister a lot and does anything for them, but he has put a shield around him and he doesn't get attached to anyone for whatever life experiences that he went through. However, he needs someone, he misses a companionship, that's what I understood from his past stories. Also, when he was not with anyone, he slept with 100s of women. He was open about his past and he somehow felt comfortable sharing everything about him to me, because I never judged him and accepted him for who he was. The concern about him not wanting a relationship as per my understanding was that he was not sure if he is going to be in this country all his life. When I asked if he would find a better option, and if he would tell me, he replied saying - if i am willing to be in a relation, why not it be with you, why would i be with someone else, I am happy with what I have, and I am not looking for better options (all during the initial stages).

    After a while, he found a new job (which was different from all the jobs that he said he wanted to do), and he got extremely busy and he started to pull away. I raised a concern asking if he would still have enough time for me (I didn't mean every day, for me I wanted to feel that I was a part of his life, even if he can't meet me at all for a month, I would understand if he made me feel that he is busy but we were in this together). But I knew we were not in a relationship, and every time I raised a concern he dismissed them saying I am drama, and that we were not in a relation. However, a lot of other times he also referred to whatever that we had as a relation, and me as 'my girl', and that he wanted to stay with me for some days before he moved to his new place downtown. After he pulled away, and I brought this up, he sent me a text saying 'I am sorry I can't do this anymore'. I was shocked. I hadn't seen that coming. And I tried to convince him but he said he has no time for a relation and that he is extremely busy. I asked if he could come and talk to me like a friend at least because I was feeling miserable. He said he was busy. After 4 days, he reached out to me asking how I am doing, and in my head I scared him away and I had taken all the blames for him leaving me, so I talked very normally. He called me and talked as if nothing changed. I got confused. He still called me here and there, and when I asked questions for more clarity, because I didn't know where I stood in his life, he would get annoyed, and told me that I am complaining and that conversations with me in the last one or two weeks have not been interesting. And he told me that he moved to a new place (not downtown, but somewhere very far in the outskirts of the city), I was previously looking for places for him to move, and I was not even informed of this move. He apparently made some new friends (previously he had no friends and I was the only companion). To my surprise and as a response to my question related my confusing stance in his life, he called and he apologized for flipping things 180, and agreed that he behaved like a douche, and explained his situation to me, and he was like he would come by and talk to me and that we would make this work slowly, and asked if I could search for a new car, because that will let him come and stay with me. I felt happy again, because it sounded like his old self. Again he goes MIA, and I try reaching out to him to ask for car details, he wouldn't respond. He calls me in between and says things like 'you should see other people, because you want a relation, and I say I do not, but I need to be felt present in your life'. He said things like, you are not independent, you are alone you should go back to your home country, just because you slept with me I don't think I should let you know what keeps me busy'. In all honesty, I don't blow up his phone with texts - i hardly send him a text - except for the last week where I sent multiple texts because he pulled away completely, and I was looking for answers. I don't call him. I answer whenever he calls, and I expresses my concern when we talk. But these statements, made me feel like I am causing all the problems and causing him to run away. I felt like he had all the power, and gave him the impression that I am available here for you no matter what or how you treat me. and I was putting up with things because I was scared of losing him. I accept that I was insecure and I behaved showing extremely low level of self worth. And after all these, he tells me that he doesn't want to see me anymore, because he met someone in the last week (the new place he moved to where he got new friends and one of them is a girl) and they vibe well and she speaks his same language. I was devastated, and I was crying over the phone. The thing is even after he met her, he was asking me to search for cars, and other tools for his new job, and a mattress because he was moving to this new place, because I have done things for him in the past. And I asked about all the promises and statements he made, and he was like 'what promises? We weren't even anything to have a break up, we were nothing to begin with. Now do you want to start a blame game or you wanna commit suicide? what do you want? I have found someone else, and I am happy in my life and I have moved on, and I have no life in downtown'.

    So I realized that I am not needed in his life anymore. He has new friends, and he is not alone anymore. After the call, he blocked me on whatsapp (though I didn't send him any messages or called him). The guy who said he wanted to be friends with me even if things ended, blocked me because I questioned why he ended things with me. He kept saying that it won't work, because it is long distance, and that I live far and he lives close to the same place as before but it has become long distance now, plus he also met someone new. I said I would go to his place, if he is busy to come to mine. And he was like, how is it possible to come everyday like that, no it won't work. He was the one who said he has no time for relationships, but he met someone new and he wants to take things with her. When I think about all these, I realize that probably I should have walked away long time ago, but I can't stop blaming myself for things going wrong. But, if I ask myself I only had silly demands, like being communicative enough, or to not take for granted, or to not feel that I don't exist for him. I never expected him to text me or call me 24*7, and in fact we never texted at all, and I never complained because I understood he was not a texter. I am sensitive and emotional. Did I ignore red flags? I am finding it a bit difficult to understand the disrespectful behaviors which I should have considered earlier to walk away? Or is it completely my fault for expecting things when he had clearly mentioned that he didn't want a relationship even though I was still NOT expecting him to be my bf, but I did expect that we dated like a normal couple without labeling things, and hoped some day this turned into something meaningful?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,285, Reputation: 10853
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    #2

    Jun 11, 2020, 04:55 AM
    Break ups suck, whether there were labels or not. I don't think you should ever feel bad about taking a risk on others, and it doesn't work out. No doubt you learned a lot about yourself, and labels or not it was a relationship, but healthy for you both, maybe not so much. You had hopes for more later, but yes, there were enough red flags to make you back off or act differently, and obviously your expectations and his were not on the same page and honestly you gave more than he did, and he got more from this encounter than you did.

    The hardest thing we can do is stop giving, and stop having unrealistic expectations when we know things are not working out the way we want, and stop letting another take and not return the same thing. A few months is not a lot of time to know someone, but the good news it's the past and the feelings may suck now but will fade, but not the knowledge and experience you have gained that's yours forever. Don't beat yourself up over this, because it takes a lot to even take the chance you took with him, and your own heart, and that's not a bad thing at all. Still sucks and the final lesson is getting beyond it, and getting your own confidence back and you will. I think you will also accept in time dating like a normal couple, or getting more from him ain't happening and a waste of time for you. That notion is not healthy, or helpful to you, and that too will suck for a while but you will heal and be better later for the experience.

    Until then leave him alone and be too busy if he calls and asks for favors. If he cared he would understand your need for time. For sure he has moved on and so should you, and stick to your guns of not wanting a friend with the benefit of casual sex, or any other favors he may want. You deserve to enjoy living your own life without him, and be open to better things like friends and activities that make you happy. Is this perhaps your first boyfriend or break up?
    Samantha0808's Avatar
    Samantha0808 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jun 11, 2020, 06:49 AM
    Thanks so much for the message. I have been in long term relations in the past. I have identified other issues with myself and have worked on them. However, my past boyfriends were trustworthy and they showed integrity. They never left me even during the initial stages because I expected too much, or I was needy or whatever. They stayed. Things ended for other reasons and I accept that I have contributed to things going wrong. I have learned from all those and took a break from dating and I really thought this time I was ready to start something better. So, I blindly trusted whatever he said and showed, because that's what I am used to. I never had a boyfriend who broke my trust. However, now I realize that I have issues with my self esteem. With this new person, I gave him the impression that I am available. I was the one wanting him more and more, and I am sure he could feel that from our conversations. After the initial chase, I started getting very invested. My moods were dependent on his calls and behavior towards me. I started taking hints from his positive behaviors and hoped things would change. But when he ignored me, I didn't have the courage to walk away. I stayed, and my need for him to be in my life pushed him further away. I think I have difficulty understanding what is an acceptable behavior and what is not. When he made the statement -'just because you slept with me, doesn't mean I should let you know what i am up to everyday, you are not my girlfriend' - this hurt me a lot. I didn't tell him 'I do not find this to be an acceptable behavior, because that statement made me feel like I am your friends with benefits, and I am not an object for sex'. That was because 1) I was scared of losing him especially he would dismiss that saying 'drama' 2) I probably was not sure if that was a disrespectful statement. And when he said things like 'you are not independent'. I felt like I am letting someone define my value. I have friends, I have a life, I have hobbies - just because of this Covid situation, I am just not able to invest my time in other things that I used to do. And honestly I felt really lonely. Men like me because I show a more independent personality at the start and I am less available. But when they start to get to know of my emotional needs, they run. It is probably that not men are like that, but I chose someone who was not emotionally available. Now, how do I identify what is a disrespectful behavior? Because one side of me says relationships need work, compromises, and you can't just end because something went wrong. On the other side, I feel like I am letting people treat me like a doormat, by letting them walk all over me, and I am becoming so available. I am finding it difficult to find the balance.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,285, Reputation: 10853
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    #4

    Jun 11, 2020, 07:45 AM
    I think dating is for learning if you are compatible and for having fun while you do that. Easy to get attached and have high hopes that things work forever. I think we all do that. We want forever and that takes a deep and abiding mutual commitment seldom found in a few months. So the dating experiment failed, the reasons seldom matter, and maybe this time you gave your heart to the wrong person, that happens to us all too. That's romance and dating for you, and nothing, no plan or advice can prepare us for the emotional toll that it takes on us.

    The best we can do is allow ourselves to heal and regain strength and self confidence to risk it again if someone good comes along, after such harsh emotional disappointments. I say this because of all the dates, romances, relationships and encounters I had before finding my life mate who was willing to commit to keep working with me as we shared and cared and built a life we both enjoyed.

    He wasn't the one, oops! Heal and take those learned lessons and enjoy the next experiment. Never know when you find a winner, so don't let this loser prevent that. Just remember the good times and learn from the bad when you are ready and healed from the experience. The healing is the important part here. It puts things into a proper perspective after the intense feelings have faded.

    Faded but never forgotten. I still remember every one of my past romances/loves which haunts me every now and then still after all those times. Doesn't last long, but happens nonetheless. Break ups always suck, especially when you get dumped!
    Samantha0808's Avatar
    Samantha0808 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jun 11, 2020, 07:50 AM
    Yes! I agree. Thanks for the response. Much appreciated!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,285, Reputation: 10853
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    #6

    Jun 11, 2020, 04:31 PM
    Only you can decide if the words and actions match, or if those words and actions work for you. Never be afraid to say they don't, or take actions in your own interest. Being honest with yourself is the first step to being honest with others.

    Did I mention all break ups suck?
    Samantha0808's Avatar
    Samantha0808 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jun 11, 2020, 05:13 PM
    Yes absolutely. I will definitely keep this in mind. I would like to believe that I communicate quite well. In this case, I was afraid to say things because I didn't want to lose him. But, I forgot the fact that my needs were not getting met which caused only resentment and frustrations within. Yes, all breakups suck! I hope I come out of this phase soon.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
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    #8

    Jun 12, 2020, 10:20 AM
    You recieved a wonderful response from talaniman. I will just add when someone shows you who they are, believe it. There were many red flags and he told you many times how he felt and you looked past it.
    Take this as a lesson learned and move on. Don't let this defined you. If he calls you dont answer. You now know better so do better. I wish you well.
    Samantha0808's Avatar
    Samantha0808 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jun 12, 2020, 07:06 PM
    Thanks much Homegirl 50!

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