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    xelin's Avatar
    xelin Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 23, 2011, 10:12 AM
    How do I get him to admit to sexting without telling him I saw the messages?
    I have been in an open relationship with this guy for 14 month and then 3 months ago he came to me saying that he wanted to be in a committed relationship with me. I know he keeps ex's as friends, and I have no issues with that at all.

    Over the past few weeks I have noticed a lot of texts coming in from his last girl very frequently, and more over at very late hours (2-3 am). I know him too well, he sends text messages earlier and then when I'm there he ignores them.

    So the other night I'm with him, go the bathroom and his phone is buzzing with 3 missed texts from this girl. I am not one to snoop, it's one of my rules not go snooping for **** can things can be taken out of context etc... however I finally broke down and looked. The message was nothing other than incriminating that there was very very inappropriate talk between them.

    She was asking why, after some dirty texting on what he wanted to do to her, was he ignoring her?" Answer - I was there. So, I called him out that I had very strong suspicions about what was going on and unless he came clean about it we had a big problem.

    I wanted to know why he was doing this. Instead of addressing or saying can we talk about this later, he broke up with me because I was causing him problems while be occupied with work and family. As that may be the worst time to say something about the issues, the least he could have done is said something to just hold on until he can give this his complete attention. Instead he gets mad, says he has no tolerance for this timing and tells me we're done. ***? This comes from someone that willingly asked for my commitment, tells me he is in love with me and that I am his best friend.

    We spoke briefly days later and all he would focus on was the timing of me bringing this to his attention. He had to get off the phone but said we will discuss more later. What the hell do I do with this? I love him so much and have never been with anyone that I have had so much in line with. We never fight about anything, we never has issues until now. HELP?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,250, Reputation: 10853
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    #2

    Apr 24, 2011, 08:33 AM

    I think he is giving you a load of crap to avoid the issue. Back up, and let him come to you. He just doesn't want to have to explain his actions to you.

    It's a really big red flag that he goes to these lengths to avoid the subject. You better pay attention and worry about losing him later, because he is running away now.

    Back up, and protect yourself. Obviously he is still very friendly with exes.
    xelin's Avatar
    xelin Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Apr 24, 2011, 09:40 AM
    To your point, I agree. Since posting this request for advice, some things have surfaced. He has admitted to doing this now. The relationship thing is a new venture for him as he has lived most of his adult life single and with a rotation of women. When he stepped forward to say he was in love with me and wanted to commit to me and me only I saw that as him evolving from a boy with ego needs supplied through conquering women to recognizing the value in maintaining love and family with someone he felt filled all his needs. I have never asked him for anything, nor given him any ultimatums, EVER. I told him many times that I will never be that girl that will ask for something - I only want what he wants to give to me willingly and happily and if those things come to a point where they no longer align, then we would need to address that when it surfaced.

    My personal feelings on the situation is that he is so afraid to put all his eggs in one basket, so to speak. I think the idea of surrendering to one person and knowing that he is vulnerable is what makes him keep going back to this crap. I have been incredibly patient and understanding probably to a fault in order to give him an opportunity to recognize what is in front of him instead of resorting back to what he has done 100's of times over. He calls himself an opportunist, being afraid that he's missing out on something/anything. But realistically, what is he missing out on when he goes back to what he has already done over and over and over again. I have told him this and he had no response, just sat there looking dumbfounded. I feel like he gets in his own way.

    I suppose none of that makes a difference if he doesn't recognize it himself. It's just very very difficult to walk away from someone that I love so much and align with in every way other than the most important one- recognizing the value of a solid and loving relationship.

    I have never in my 36 years found someone that has been so right for me in our viewpoints, beliefs, activities etc... why would the universe send him to me and then have it all go to **** because of his own fears?

    I apologize if this all seems ridiculous and the obvious answer is to cut bait and move on but something inside of me keeps telling me to hang on- don't give up - blah blah blah. I go back and forth between am I being a complete idiot and wasting my time or am I being strong and eventually he will recognize that the value proposition of a meaningful relationship far out weighs the short term immediate gratification of shallow bs sexual encounters.

    So confused...
    M~
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,250, Reputation: 10853
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    #4

    Apr 24, 2011, 10:21 AM

    Thanks for bring further input to this post.

    You have been together only 14 months, and there is much yet to learn about each other.

    That's why my advice is to back up a bit, and take a more objective look at things, and to better protect yourself as you get to know each other much better. Maybe this event will bring change, but for sure it is an opportunity for dialog, to open the lines of communications and get a realistic view if change can happen or not.

    Change won't happen over night, nor will his thinking, and I just think this is a beginning of a process. Will he change enough for an exclusive healthy adult relationship? That remains to be seen, but for now all you have is his apology for past, recent actions, and not a promise of future actions just because he may still not understand how deep your expectations go.

    Time will tell, so please pay attention.
    xelin's Avatar
    xelin Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Apr 24, 2011, 11:38 AM
    Well, I just spoke with him. It's officially over. I explained my thoughts on the benefits of a loving and meaningful relationship. He told me that relationships are just something he doesn't have a need/goal to achieve. So then why the hell did you get into this with me on your will?? I guess that answers my question. I told him that I would not be able to be a friend like so many of his other conquests and he said that this was not the last time I would see or talk to him however I told him differently. I told him that at this point I cannot be his friend, nor do I think I can have that sort of relationship ever after everything that has been expressed and grown emotionally within myself for him.

    Maybe it's not for me to understand why and how someone who says (and I do believe him) that he is in love with me can let go of it so easily. While we were talking, he told me that all the things he wants to do are independent of a relationship (with or without capable of doing those things). He said that he has all he needs via his friends and his family (which by the way is completely dis-functional - no relationship with real parents, adoptive father, brother who lives 1800 miles away and sister he constantly fights with.) I told him that eventually his best friend, who I am friends with as well, is going to marry (she's close to it now) and have a family of her own and she will not be available to him as she is right now. Eventually everyone moves forward to have their own life and that he won't be the priority. I know that sounds harsh but it's the truth of the matter.

    I suppose it's all just a waste of my energy to try and understand, and that is my downfall- constantly trying to make sense of it all. I just don't get how something seemingly so right has gone incredibly wrong. I'm so sad over this whole thing because not have I only lost someone I could see a future with but I've lost my best friend as well.

    Thank you for advice and comments.
    M~
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #6

    Apr 24, 2011, 11:48 AM

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. At the very least he was able to recognize that he just isn't ready for, or needing, the sort of relationship you had hoped for, or expected given his past remarks. It is unfortunate that he hadn't figured that out beforehand.

    He may truly love you, but you are on two different pages as to how much commitment that involves. There is no right or wrong, just different needs.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,250, Reputation: 10853
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    #7

    Apr 24, 2011, 02:05 PM

    He didn't want what you wanted in the end so he made a choice, and if you really look at it, maybe it was so wonderful because That's what you wanted. It happens all the time and then we get the reality check.

    When I read your opening statement,

    I have been in an open relationship with this guy for 14 month and then 3 months ago he came to me saying that he wanted to be in a committed relationship with me. I know he keeps ex's as friends, and I have no issues with that at all.
    I felt you were being groomed for what HE wanted. I have no doubt he thinks you will allow him to stay in your life the way others have. Please do not let his flawed charm allow you to be treated as he does others. Friends with benefits and no commitment, or hope for more.

    I hope you make this a clean break, for your own good, and disappear from his life. Be the one who got away, because as a matter of fact, your best friend, has many friends, and that's the way he likes it. He will be back though, because he thinks you will miss him and change your mind, and be ready to do things his way.

    Hurts now, but let the healing and rebuilding process start.

    Very sorry for your loss, but I think this is a blessing in disguise.
    xelin's Avatar
    xelin Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Apr 24, 2011, 06:19 PM
    Comment on talaniman's post
    Those are very wise words and I sincerely appreciate them. You're completely on track with him doing the usual run around with me as he has done with others in the past and I'm being stupid thinking that I am going to be the one that's different for him . Already I see him building up a new rotation through his behaviors on Facebook. He's so see through, yet I'm a sucker because I love him so.

    Any advice on how to stifle the craziness and pain of loss of what I thought once was and has clearly turned out to be a mirage?
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #9

    Apr 25, 2011, 03:18 AM

    I'd unfriend him from Facebook so you won't be tempted to see what he is up to.

    Keep yourself busy with work and such. There is no quick fix, unfortunately, only time, and the support of your friends and family, will see you through.

    He may be a nice guy, but just not long term partner material right now. Try not to over-analyze why you think he does what he does. It may be out of some unconscious fear on his part, it may be he just likes the attention of women and wants to keep his options open for the time being.

    Focus on you now, what you want, goals that you have, and making yourself happy.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,250, Reputation: 10853
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    #10

    Apr 25, 2011, 08:22 AM

    Cut him from your life completely, and cleanly, so you can build a life that you enjoy without him. Don't be tempted by the false hope that he has changed.

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