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He hurt me so badly, but I still love him. He wants me back. What do I do?
Asked Jun 7, 2010, 06:59 PM
Please help. I'm desperate.
My ex & I broke up. I broke up with him. Mainly because our whole relationship consisted of a pattern of really bad fights, but also such intense passion & love that was always hard to give up on. At his core he's a person I'm completely in love with & I know his potential exceeds that of the majority of guys I've met. But he's done some pretty stupid things & he started getting really disrespectful and inconsistent to the point that it wasn't worth it for me anymore.
He begged & begged for me back - saying he wanted to be the guy to treat me like a princess, that things could be so different & that he was SO insanely sorry for the way he treated me. I agreed to meet up to discuss the idea of it & things went well. We hooked up, but didn't officially decide to get back together yet. He told me he loved me & wanted to be with me. We talked about meeting up later, after hanging out with friends. It was his idea. He talked about it all night. Said he couldn't even talk to another girl because his heart was with me.
Well, later, he blew me off. Got wasted. Completely ditched me. And HAD SEX WITH ANOTHER GIRL.
A week later, he confronted me and told me everything. Said it made him realize how special I was and how much he truly wanted to be with me. He's been begging for me back for about a month now. Writing notes, texts, emails, leaving flowers, voicemails, you name it.
At my core I still love him to death & I know he is genuinely sorry, but he hurt me so badly. His actions didn't back up his words. He chose to have sex with another girl over spending time/hooking up with me. This is a guy I thought I was going to marry! I truly did. He's the first guy I met who has had all the qualities I've ever wanted in a life long partner. And now, the way he is talking, he actually wants to BE that guy. For the first time ever. And it's all I've wanted for SO long- was for him to be consistent & he finally is but he hurt me so badly and I'm not sure I can get past it. Or how.
IDK what to do. My heart says yes, my head says you're an idiot. Help. : (
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Emotional Health Expert
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Jun 7, 2010, 07:40 PM
Don't be too hard on yourself. If you don't experience the bad side of a relationship, you'll never know what a good one is.
That you broke up due to a pattern of fighting, seems to be the core of this. You are at odds with each other, and didn't learn how to fight in a constructive way, or direct your anger appropriately. Not pointing fingers here, but if the fighting was bad enough to break up over, the future of that relationship is pretty obvious.
You don't hurt people you love. For him to attempt to get back with you, and turn around and sleep with another woman shows the worst kind of respect toward you. Nothing can erase that. Had he not tried to reconcile just before that, you would likely have not been surprised to learn of his actions.
You don't really love him I don't think. You love who you think he can be, and love the person inside him with all the good qualities. You love him because that 'other' person is in there somewhere, but has never come out.
And for all those qualities to be apparent, and for you to have a healthy relationship with him, would require enormous change, on both your parts. Change is not easy, and it seems that he can't or won't stop himself even for a few days before he's in the sack with another.
Flowers, texts, phone calls, all of that, are part of the person that you want to see. The kind, loving, contrite, apologetic, respectful one.
But without changing, the relationship will resort back to what is familiar and comfortable, which is the fighting.
To build a relationship which has the two of you at odds with each other, won't result in a very long lasting foundation. It may be good for a couple of months, but with nothing resolved, and so much not dealt with, it may be just a task too big to take on.
Sometimes love is just not enough. And if you settle for love the way you think it is with him, you are robbing yourself of finding a balanced relationship with a more compatible mate.
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Jul 8, 2010, 01:50 AM
Hey, having been in a similarly patterned relationship, I can say I totally get where you are coming from. It can be hard when you love the guy he could be, but isn't. Unfortunately, from what you have written here, this guy seems to be all potential, not much else. The fact that he keeps on saying something but immediately goes on to act completely contrary hints at extreme emotional immaturity and insecurity - two major red flags. Given his behaviour, I don't think a rational and frank discussion with him could be a possibility.
I was lucky enough to have support from my parents and friends to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship. There were months when I felt completely and hopelessly crushed, but I eventually recovered. And then I met the person who had all the same great qualities without all the drama and fluctuations. It can happen. Believe it. You are definitely worth it.
Siding with your head when your heart hurts is tough, but necessary for you at this point. Be strong, girl. Hang in there.
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