Check out some similar questions!

brando8383 · Nov 5, 2009, 09:23 PM

Long story short,

I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half and after some recent unpleasantness within the relationship (most of which was my fault), she's asked for a break. She said it would take some time for her to gather her thoughts on us and her life in general. She has a lot of stuff on her plate right now and my guess is, I'm the only one that is expendable at the moment. It's been almost 3 weeks and she says she still loves me and she's told my friends and parents that she could see us getting back together again. I'm new to the break thing so I don't really know what to do because my instinct tells me to give her the time she needs to think things over, however she's made it clear to me that she would "die" if we just went without talking. We chat pretty much every day on MSN and share the occasional email if either one of us is away from the computer for the day.

Anyway, I want to give her time and space and she wants me to talk with her every day. She's at an emotional state where if I were to ignore her for a few weeks, I'd be afraid of losing her. Yet I feel that if I don't give her the space, she won't realize what life without me would be like. I want nothing more than to spend my life with this beautiful woman so how do I approach this without making her feel unwanted?

jaime90 · Nov 6, 2009, 09:41 PM

You could always ask her. Ask her if she wants you to continue communicating, or if she would prefer no communication in order to get her thoughts in order. Her opinion is the best one you can follow right now if you want her to stay around. The best thing you can do is straight up ask her. It shows your concern, and it shows openness in your communication, which is desirable when it comes to a serious relationship.

Wondergirl · Nov 6, 2009, 09:47 PM

Give her the space. Do not communicate with her in any way. She's already had time to think through this breakup, and has her own act together. She wants to be "friends" to keep from feeling guilty over hurting you.

You, on the other hand, are in shock over this breakup revelation and will grab at any straw that you think will keep her around. Do not play into her guilty feelings. No Contact! You can't have a break without space. Give her space.

(I'm female and have played this game both as the dumper and as the dumpee.)

jaime90 · Nov 7, 2009, 09:34 AM

Originally Posted by brando8383

she says she still loves me and she's told my friends and parents that she could see us getting back together again. ?

I have a feeling she thinks that she could see them getting back together again. I'm just saying not to jump into anything until you know how she would like you to go about having a break. The OP has said nothing about this girl wanting to break up with him- a break does not necessarily mean a break up.

Wondergirl · Nov 7, 2009, 10:38 AM

Originally Posted by brando8383

1. after some recent unpleasantness within the relationship (most of which was my fault)
2. she's asked for a break
3. She said it would take some time for her to gather her thoughts on us
4. I'm the only one that is expendable at the moment
5. She's at an emotional state where if I were to ignore her for a few weeks, I'd be afraid of losing her.

She can't be too invested in this relationship if #5 is true. And it will "take some time" (#3)?? What the heck does that mean?

Trust me. She is letting him down easy. The only way he will know if she loves him is by making a total break and watching to see if she pursues him. If she's not interested, she will not miss him nor will she give him the time of day.

Instead of letting her have all the control and manipulate him and his feelings, he should take control and do NC.

Wondergirl · Nov 7, 2009, 10:44 AM

Originally Posted by jaime90

I have a feeling she thinks that she could see them getting back together again.

When? Why should he put his life on hold and maybe miss out on meeting the girl of his dreams beause this girl isn't "ready" to get back together yet--and may decide she will never be ready?

I'm just saying not to jump into anything until you know how she would like you to go about having a break.

Why is this up to her? How does she get all the power and control?

The OP has said nothing about this girl wanting to break up with him- a break does not necessarily mean a break up.

If you read the pages and pages of similar posts on this site, a break almost always means a breakup. And she has already worked through it and has moved on, whereas he is in shock and thinks he can "save" the relationship by being "cooperative."

jaime90 · Nov 7, 2009, 11:07 AM

The reason why he should put his life on hold- is this guy says he wants to spend the rest of his life with this girl- when you love someone you're always taking the risk of being hurt. Right now, this break is taking the risk- if he waits he could end up hurt in the end, or he could end up with the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with. The question is: is the risk worth the possibility of the love? People date, people court, people get hurt and people find the love of their lives by taking this risk: it must be worth it.
The communication is up to her because she is the one who wanted the break, and the OP is asking how to not make her feel unwanted. He is clearly concerned about what this break should involve for her- which is why I suggested asking her.
Your #5 is: She is at an emotional state, where if I were to ignore her for a few weeks I'd be afraid of losing her.
You say that if this is true, she doesn't have much investment in this relationship.
Is this not true for most every relationship? I would have problems if my fiancé ignored me for a few weeks. I am emotionally secure right now so I wouldn't leave the relationship, but if I was emotionally unstable I would be taking some second thoughts as well, after all, if this guy is ignoring her for a few weeks, he must not have much invested in the relationship either.

Wondergirl · Nov 7, 2009, 11:40 AM

Originally Posted by jaime90

The reason why he should put his life on hold- is this guy says he wants to spend the rest of his life with this girl- when you love someone you're always taking the risk of being hurt. Right now, this break is taking the risk- if he waits he could end up hurt in the end, or he could end up with the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with. The question is: is the risk worth the possibility of the love? People date, people court, people get hurt and people find the love of their lives by taking this risk: it must be worth it.

Like I said, all but one or two of the many similar cases posted on just this site end up as a total breakup. HE wants to spend his life with this girl. If she were interested in him, she would not even mention taking a "break." A break for WHAT?

The communication is up to her because she is the one who wanted the break

So she's in control of the relationship and he can just hang by his knuckles until she gets good and ready to make a decision... which usually turns out NOT in the other person's favor.

the OP is asking how to not make her feel unwanted. He is clearly concerned about what this break should involve for her

Poor her! But she doesn't give a hoot about him and his feelings.

if this guy is ignoring her for a few weeks, he must not have much invested in the relationship either.

Or she might finally sit up and think, "Hey, what am I losing here??? I'm being petty and too self-involved. He is my heart and is part of my life through thick and thin, not just when I am in the mood to have him in my life."

help888 · Nov 7, 2009, 06:44 PM

There is an old saying,if you love someone let it go ,if comes back is yours if not ,never was.
Good luck.

Jake2008 · Nov 7, 2009, 07:56 PM

What were the 'unpleasant' circumstances that triggered her wanting to take a break.

after some recent unpleasantness within the relationship (most of which was my fault), she's asked for a break

It must have been something serious that occurred more than once.

Can you explain what that was? Not knowing the circumstances you take responsibility for, it is hard to know what to advise.