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    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
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    #1

    Feb 6, 2011, 12:09 PM
    Father daughter trips
    Is is normal for a 57 year old man to want to take 3-7 day trips alone with his 24 year old daughter? I am talking about places like Costa Rica, Hawaii, New York.

    My boyfriend did a couple of these with his daughter before I came along. I indicated that I was uncomfortable with it, especially since he and I had not done anything like this. I thought this was behind us, but now he has brought it up again--that it's something that's important to him. She now has a boyfriend, so I don't know if she'll even want to go. But I'm betting he'll come up with a trip she can't resist.

    We have been dating for a year. He and I have not gone on any trips like this. Just local overnights that I have planned. We are planning a trip out of state soon, to go to a memorial for a member of his family and for him to work on settling an estate. It will be partly fun, but not planned for just us.

    Is his wanting to plan a trip for just the two of them a normal desire on his part?
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,786, Reputation: 2604
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    #2

    Feb 6, 2011, 01:00 PM

    Yeah it's normal.
    My daughter and her dad will take a big trip this year It is what they have been calling the 60/30 trip. He is sixty she will be thirty. They have been talking about taking this trip for a while.

    Do you have problems with it because he does not take you any where or do you think there is something wrong with?
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #3

    Feb 6, 2011, 01:55 PM

    I also think it's normal...

    Is she his only child?

    Have they always had a close relationship?

    Have you asked him why the two of you don't go to places like that?

    Do you have kids of your own?
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #4

    Feb 6, 2011, 02:34 PM
    Feels like you think that he might have some other intentions in addition to wanting to spend some quality time with his daughter.

    Why do you feel so suspicious of his intentions? Did he do something to make you feel that way? Do you think that maybe he should invite you and his daughter's boyfriend along as well?
    martinizing2's Avatar
    martinizing2 Posts: 1,868, Reputation: 819
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    #5

    Feb 6, 2011, 03:59 PM

    I love spending time with my daughters.

    A vacation of several days with any one of my three girls would be something special .
    But our logistics and individual schedules make it a near
    Impossibility.

    But I don't think a man spending time with his daughter is anything to be concerned about .
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
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    #6

    Feb 6, 2011, 05:26 PM

    They were not always close. She did not speak to him between ages 11 and 16, or so. She is his only child. He says the mother was very protective of her, slept in the same bed with her when she was little, supposedly to protect the daughter from him. The mother is gone now.

    I have asked about us taking a trip like that and we planned some trips, but it was just talk. He basically says he does not have time. Vague answers. I don't feel great about it.

    Last summer he invited me on a trip and then subsequently said he was taking his daughter instead. I was hurt and he ended up not taking the trip at all, although not because of me.

    Sometimes I feel that he is pitting us against one another. She seems totally nice and appropriate. I have no issues with her.

    Maybe nothing's wrong. I'm just not sure. That's why I came here.

    Thanks!

    Edit: PS. Yes. I have two kids, younger and they still live with me. If we go on a trip, it's typically all three of us.

    Yeah, I think it's partly because he says he doesn't have the time or money to go to Costa Rica (or equivalent) with me. It makes me feel like after a year of kind of helping him through a lot of problems, I get the short end of the stick.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7691
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    #7

    Feb 6, 2011, 05:46 PM

    Yes unless you have reasons to think it is something less than a "trip"

    For myself while I don't get to do it often, I would love to have time to go on hunting trips with my boys. ( don't have girls)

    Now if it is a matter of money, you noted that you and he don't do trips like this. But that he will with her. So the question is why don't you and he take trips like that.
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
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    #8

    Feb 6, 2011, 05:59 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck View Post
    Now if it is a matter of money, you noted that you and he don't do trips like this. but that he will with her. So the question is why don't you and he take trips like that.
    Money is one reason he gives. He also says he cannot take time off from work to take a trip with me. He says he doesn't take vacations and he needs someone to look after his business to go anywhere with me. His last trip with her was one week out of the country.

    Here's a thought: I think he feels good about telling his clients he's taking a week off to be with his daughter. But he doesn't like to tell them he's going on a trip with a girlfriend. I'm guessing that to him that sounds frivolous.

    Some of his clients and some members of his extended family still do not know that he and his wife were separated for several years before she died and they do not all know about me... Some of them think he is a grieving widower apparently. Some people were upset to know that he was dating at all. He and his wife separated four and half years ago and she died 18 months ago.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,786, Reputation: 2604
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    #9

    Feb 6, 2011, 06:38 PM

    If he is talking about a romantic trip with his daughter,why have you not asked him to clarify that. That sounds a bit much.
    Otherwise the whole situation sound hinckey. Some of his family does not know about you, they didn't know they had been separated. He sounds like a liar.
    How do you know he is going away with the daughter and not someone else.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #10

    Feb 6, 2011, 06:53 PM

    I'd question him as well about why his family does not know about you after a year of dating. Could it be that you view the relationship more seriously than he does?

    It would be a bit odd for him to comment that the vacation with his daughter was romantic and not something like it being a lot of fun.

    I can understand wanting to spend time with her, especially since she is an only child and it sounds like there might be some making up for lost time going on. Nothing wrong with going on a trip now and then, but I would have a difficult time knowing he can manage to take some really nice trips with his daughter, but can't seem to find the time or money to do so with you.

    Since he is planning another trip, why not bring up the idea of you and the daughter's boyfriend going along as well. See what his response is. Certainly if the daughter doesn't want to go because she is now spending time with her boyfriend, there would be no reason why you and he shouldn't go on it instead.
    asking's Avatar
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    #11

    Feb 6, 2011, 07:36 PM

    I misquoted him. He used the word "magical," not romantic. But to me it was the same thing.

    It's possible that I am taking the relationship more seriously, DoulaLC. He says he is moving to my state and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That sounds serious.

    But it's been many months now and he has made no concrete plans to actually move here. Last November, I said I was upset and would either like to make some concrete plans for him to move here or perhaps take a break until he is actually here. He said he would start moving forward on that, but to be honest, all he has done is move some stuff around in his garage. I'm pretty disappointed. We talked about a date/goal for him to move, and the month we talked about is the month he wants to now plan a trip with his daughter (June). So I guess it's no surprise that I am upset. Talking about it here is really helping.

    He says his daughter has encouraged him to move here. But then nothing.

    but I would have a difficult time knowing he can manage to take some really nice trips with his daughter, but can't seem to find the time or money to do so with you.
    Yes. This is a big part of it.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #12

    Feb 6, 2011, 09:54 PM

    So many red flags!

    I'm not only worried about this vacation, but also the entire relationship.

    Are you looking for something more serious than he can provide? Maybe it's time to reconsider this relationship.
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
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    #13

    Feb 6, 2011, 11:33 PM

    Sigh. I need to sleep on this...

    Thanks everybody. You have all been incredibly helpful.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #14

    Feb 8, 2011, 07:44 AM
    I am happy to see that you realize the concerns you have, are between him, and you. Not with his daughter.

    I'm thinking too that it is not inappropriate for him to provide trips for himself and his daughter. As you said, they were many years estranged, and he is making up for lost time maybe. And I get the impression that he was providing this time together, prior to her having a serious man her life, which she does now. Maybe that too was part of why he did what he did, because he knew that eventually she would settle down with someone, and opportunities for just the two of them, wouldn't happen. At least in the same way.

    The flip side of this in my opinion, is that is seems in a way, to be the icing on the cake. That you are mentioning and implying that you have contributed to the relationship with him, in a greater, and more committed way, and that icing should be on your cake. There is some imbalance there I think, with who's needs are being met, and who's aren't.

    I would see this as two separate issues. The first being this (most likely) temporary situation with his daughter and the trips, and is in no way intended to slight you. The second issue being that you are questioning the fact that you have been the greater investor in the relationship with him, and are thinking about not being seen with as much regard as you should be.

    If you are beginning to feel that the relationship itself is having problems that concern you, such as communication, and commitment over the long haul, then it is time to put the daughter/trip issue aside, and instead focus on finding common ground, and clarification with him, on where the relationship is going.

    I think it is more likely than not, that had the daughter/trip issue not been a part of the picture, you would still be in a place of doubt.

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