Ok, so I tried to type this up once and it was a novel let me try to list the major points instead:
- I had an excellent childhood. My adolescence has been riddled with sexual, emotional, and physical abuse from the romantic men in my life from the age of 13
- My current ex (Mark) has been a wonderful man, however, he lacked in several areas that I found were important to me and also I felt that he was not always in tune with my wants and needs as he thought he was. I told him this and explained it to him once I realized however it was too late to save the relationship so I broke it off.
- We still live together and I told Mark part of the reason I had to go was I had developed feelings for his best friend, Chase, because I see in Chase that which I was lacking in Mark. It wouldn't be fair of me to stay in a relationship with Mark and think of Chase. Mark respected that decision, but asked me not to pursue Chase; even threatening emotional vengeance such as sleeping with someone that would bother me and videotaping it to send it to me.
- Choosing to be true to myself and my needs, I selfishly pursued what I thought held the possibility of unparralleled bliss. I thought I could persuade Chase the same and probably came off a bit too strong too fast, but that's the type of girl I am.
-Chase seeing that I was quick to disrespect Mark by contacting him to initiate contact, Chase told me we'll never be together adding that he never felt an attraction to me. Before knowing the full story of our breakfup, Chase was OK with speaking to me feeling it was not a betrayal to his friend as he can talk to who he wants to. After finding out I had feelings for him and him telling me no he couldn't do that, he still at first asked me to stay when I said OK, I'll go then, have a nice life. I told him he was sending mixed signals and he said he liked the conversation and nothing more.
-Both Mark and I have felt that Chase has displayed interest in me on numerous occasions by things he's done such as looks he's given me and things he's said so I find it hard to believe that he's being honest with me even though I've been completely honest with him.
-So now Mark is embarrassed that Chase knows that he was able to steal his girl even if he doesn't want her. He's mad at me, which I understand, but I only feel remorse in that once again his pain is an unfortunate victim to my circumstances and needs. I do love Mark and don't want to keep hurting him, but I have to know what's right for me.
-As for Chase, well, I'm pretty sure that if he did find me attractive all my honesty still won't make me attractive to him and although I think we have a very real shot of this being something more than what I've had so far because all the elements are there (no I am not unaware of his flaws. I just don't think they're that serious that I can't deal with them as one would be expected of the one we love). I think he'd find that too if he'd give me the chance, but I guess it's just not meant to be and so I'm left weak and vulnerable showing my heart again... I keep getting reprimanded for not being honest, but people don't seem to get that honesty isn't always easy. I'm being honest as soon as I possibly can and before any further damage can be done. I got my answer. I had the opportunity to sit in silence and continue letting Mark take care of me even though we're broken up without telling him of my pursuance of Chase. Don't I deserve credit for what I believed it and for then confessing to it in spite of the idea that it might leave me homeless? And what do I do with this suspicion that Chase is the one that is destined to get away. He awakes in me a passion I haven't felt since innocence and the intensity is too much and it shows too much and I know men run from that so I don't know what to do.
Alice's Broken Heart in "Wonder"land