I have a dating/relationship problem but I've just realized that it's not the main cause of my unhappiness and that my problem runs much deeper.

I recently broke it off with my boyfriend (I don't even know if he's aware that it's the breakup) via an email and a couple of sms (cos it's long distance). We were dating for a couple of months but it was intense from the physical perspective. It started from a one nighter (in my opinion, because he mentioned 'next time' afterwards while I was trying to avoid him because I don't do FWBs) to casual sex, to casual relationship, and to the point where we were starting to be exclusive and get more serious.

The situation was a bit complicated. I was on my short-term work contract abroad (country A) while meeting him at the workplace. I didn't really have a concrete plan of what to do after this contract, I'd love to stay longer if I get opportunities of course, but at that point I was planning to go finish my businesses in country B after the end of the contract. I was single and I didn't care about dating at all because I knew I'd stay short-term anyway, but because of my loneliness and my bf's persistence in asking me out and his niceness, we ended up dating.

He wanted me to stay longer and, knowing that apartments are so hard to find in that city, he offered me to move in. The problem is, his ex was still living in his apartment and he couldn't, wouldn't bring me in until she moves out. According to him, they were together for almost 10 years, and even though she has her own apartment and knows that they're not a couple anymore, the message still hasn't sunk in, so he was giving her time to move out whenever she wants without having to know that he'd bring a new girlfriend in (he confessed having other gfs before me while she was still there too). Of course, I'm not stupid, I was trying to end it with him because I jumped into conclusion that they must still be together and I was just a mistress or sth (I consider myself moral monogamous), but he insisted she's a small problem, it's just a matter of time, and all I had to do was wait and see. His point makes sense though, how could he have spent that much time (nights and weekends at my place or his holiday house) with me if they're still together? And he never acted in a way that tells me he stayed contact in a committed way to one/several women. Oh, he's older so he doesn't have all those msn, Facebook, etc.

The problem started when my apartment contract was about to end so I brought up this movein issue. Turned out, she was still there so I couldn't move in yet. We had our first huge fight, we made up and he promised to help me find a new place. But the next day my pride got the best of me so I returned his stuff, dumped him, and booked my flight back home (country C) the same day. I couldn't go to country B as planned because of visa issue. It turned my world upside down (to go back home) I was extremely upset and I blamed him for that.

But during my last week there, I got lonely and depressed, so I went back to him, we made up, and he sent me off at the airport. We decided to take a break and see how it goes (cos there's a chance I'll go back to him, I booked a return ticket because I still have to go back to country B next month). But just now, back at home I decided to dump him again (blocked all communication channels) because I don't want to go on my emotional rollercoaster, I don't want to get my hopes up, and I really need to focus on my work.

Sorry for such a long boring post, and still haven't got to the point. The point is I don't love him, I don't see my future with him, I was the one who dumped him a couple of times, I'm not heartbroken like a person in love is (like when my ex dumped me). But I do feel very depressed right now and I don't know why. My sadness out of my attached feelings shouldn't be this much.

I've been prescribed antidepressants before. My shrink told me I was medium-high depressed. At that time I thought it was because my ex dumped me, but clearly I have more issues. I'm actually a very confident/proud person, both for my looks and my success. I don't get less confident about my attractiveness when my relationships ended. I'm also a very independent person, with lots of goals and interests, but I hardly survived each breakup, even though they weren't that bad.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Does being a perfectionist has sth to do with my lack of ability to accept disappoitments?

Thank you so much and again, sorry for a long post.

Hi
I am not a professional psych... but let try to share some of my thoughts with you... hope it helps...

I see your problem... any kind of relationship leads to emotional attachment at a deeper level than we realise... the more personal the relationship, the more attached we become...

Now coming to what you described... you both fell into a serious relationship which tends to happen if you spend long periods with someone... but you have to look at the hard facts here... the guy has his ex still living with him... whatever the reason... also he should have really made an effort to solve your accommodation problem in country A if he wanted you that bad. Please look at it from a cool head... it is better if you stay away from him (for at least some time... )... give yourself time to realise that there is so much more in this world to look forward to... so many interesting people to meet... you are lucky in a way... you got to experience a close relationship with someone who you liked... but move on... do not let this ruin the way you live the rest of your life... think of all the good things you can still achieve and all the wonderful relationships you can still form... if only you can let go... who knows... with time a newer perspective will dawn on you... please do not be depressed any longer... think of all those in the world who don't even have as much as you have...

Sorry if I seem a little over the top... but hope you see my point... wish you al the best for your future...

You need to move on.

The fact that he still lives with his ex is well, not okay. The fact that it was a 10 year relationship and she knows it ended and she still chooses to live there raises a little red flag. I don't know what your thinking but well, there are better men out there.

Leave him- for good this time.

MRS.S

What's WRONG WITH U IS You are BROKEN BUT Don't WORRY WE ALL R SERIOUSLY READ THIS WHOLE THING BE CRITICAL IF U WANT BUT IT IS THE ANSWER 2 UR PROBLEM

There are many things in this world that can bring us temporary joy and happiness – sufficient money, business success, good health, loving family, loyal friends. But no worldly thing can bring enduring joy and happiness. We might become poor, fail at business, lose our health, or, by separation or death, lose our spouse or our friends. Even if we gain all of these, and more, and keep them, sooner or later we must leave them all behind and "go the way of all flesh". The saying is true - ‘You cannot take it with you’!

Jesus taught, "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever shall lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul [or life]?" (Matthew 16-25/26). Life is far more valuable than possessing even all the world, but if we live a purely selfish life we will lose it. In Matthew 10:39, Jesus taught: "He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it".

What Jesus is saying is that worldly things are but short-lived, but that the loss of these things and even life itself, because of one’s belief in Him, will one day gain everlasting life. The way to that life he showed: "Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me." – (Mark 8-34). Jesus denied himself so as to be totally obedient to God, His Father, even to death upon a cruel Roman cross. But God raised him from the dead and gave him eternal life, divine glory and great honour, to sit at God’s right hand in heaven, with "angels, principalities and powers being subject to him".

Clearly, Jesus wants his disciples to know an extremely important truth about life and happiness. DENYING SELF, SO AS TO BELIEVE AND OBEY GOD IS THE WAY TO LIFE AND HAPPINESS. We will begin to walk that way when we respond to The Great Teacher’s appeal in Matthew 11-28/30: "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn [be instructed] of me; for I am meek [teachable] and lowly in heart [humble, self-denying]: and ye shall find rest [happiness and peace] unto your souls. For my yoke is easy [it fits well] and my burden is light [is not hard to bear]".

The humble, selfless, teachable person who allows him/herself to be disciplined by God’s word is the really happy one - not the one who lives for ‘number one’ - for self! The first person is God-centred, and worships God; the second person is self-centred and really only worships self!

GODLY HAPPINESS ENDURES:
An enduringly happy, useful, and contented life is possible now - but only to those who "lose" their selfish life in the selfless service of God and their fellow man. As a gift of God’s grace for a present life of service, God will grant such people eternal life in the future, when God’s Kingdom comes, and when His will comes to be done on earth as it is now done in heaven. Such people will be granted to continue to serve their God and their fellow man forever! Then he or she will be blissfully, and eternally happy! "The blessing of the LORD, it maketh rich, and he addeth no sorrow with it", (Proverbs 10-22).

Denying self, coming unto Christ, learning of him, resting in Him, taking up His cross, copying His service to God and to others – these are the steps to a life of enduring happiness and peace. Jesus told his disciples, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world", John 16-33.

Jesus has not promised that His disciples will have ‘a bed of roses’ in their waiting for His Kingdom, but HE HAS PROMISED HIS GUIDANCE, AND HELP, PRODUCING PEACE OF MIND AND TRUE HAPPINESS IN HIS SERVICE. There will come to us an inner peace and happiness in the knowledge that God is our Heavenly Father, that he loves us, cares for us, forgives and helps us; that Jesus is our High Priest in heaven, who intercedes to God on our behalf, and that God’s Kingdom is to come on this earth soon.

GODLY HAPPINESS:
THE HAPPY LIFE IS THE SELFLESS LIFE LIVED IN THE TRUST, AND TO THE GLORY OF GOD. When we know The Father, "the one true God" we will come to love Him, "Who first loved us" and gave His Son to redeem us from sin and death - "the just for the unjust to bring us to God". (write for ‘The Truth About God’, and ‘The Truth about the Atonement’). We will then seek to show God our love for Him in practical ways – in the reading, believing, and obeying His Word; in worship with others "of like precious faith"; and in "doing good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith", 2 Peter 1-1, Galatians 6-10.

HOW TO GAIN GODLY HAPPINESS
The very first words of our Lord’s ministry have to do with godly happiness and how it may be gained, (Matthew 5-1/16). The "poor in spirit, mourners, meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, merciful, pure in heart, peacemakers, persecuted for righteousness’ sake, reviled for Christ’s sake", all have assured rewards - both now and in the coming Kingdom of [or from] heaven, (write for ‘The Truth About The Kingdom of God’). Jesus is not only encouraging his disciples to seek true happiness, but is saying that THEIR ATTITUDE, AND THEIR SERVICE TO HIM GUARANTEES HAPPINESS.

The Greek word translated "blessed" means "blissfully happy". The Lord Jesus promises that real, lasting happiness, along with God’s provision of all our essential needs, will be ours, if we "seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness", Matthew 6-33. That search is through reading God’s word and earnest prayer to Him.

What's the point of copy-pasting the bible here? I believe if she wanted to read a bible she would have got herself a copy or something.

On to the question, you say you're down in general.. well, regardless of whether you really loved him or not, it's always nice to have someone love you and care for you and be there for you. Maybe all this travel and stress got to you and the plans didn't work out and on top you have this guy who didn't work out either. Yeah I know you don't want it to go anywhere but it was nice having him love you and now all this is just adding to all the stress. So, try to keep busy, do some sports (makes you feel better even on a chemical level), and remind yourself that it was YOU who decided to leave him alone because he wasn't good for you at this point, and now you don't have any of that stress and unfulfilled expectations.

I know it's not easy with depressive people. I have a friend who took antidepressants several years ago, for a rather short time, but all this moodiness does come back from time to time, not an outright depression, but just feeling down when things seem to be going well from the outside. I say just try to do your best, concentrate on the positive and stable things that make you feel good about yourself and your achievements (friends, family, hobbies).