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    MsQuestions's Avatar
    MsQuestions Posts: 4, Reputation: 3
    New Member

    Apr 14, 2009, 07:31 PM
    My boyfriend has a daughter and he still talks to his ex that abandoned their child
    So I am 21 years old and I am dating a guy who is 26 with a 4 year old daughter. He is just wonderful and so is his daughter.
    There are just a few problems. I never thought I would date a guy who had a child. It's OK, I don't mind. It's kind of scary sometimes. We kind of jumped into things. We said "I love you" within the first 3 months of us dating and I met his daughter within a few weeks after dating. Which was fine. I was scared because I didn't want to meet her and than something happen to me and my b/f and hurt her feelings. Things are going well, but there are just things that bug me about him having a daughter. For one he's only a part time dad. He doesn't have custody of her, no one does that bugs me. She lives with her 60 year old grandmother who can't control her and lets her stay up to all hours of the night and lets her sleep in for as long as she wants. She is also over weight by 30lbs because she doesn't get any activity time. She doesn't have any friends her age. She doesn't get any social time with children except sometimes on the weekends when I take her to the park, but I can only do that during the summer and spring time other wise it's too cold to go to the park. So she's a really large 4 yearold. I feel so bad too, because I took her to a park in the mall where I and my boyfriend live and the other little kids told her that "big kids" can't play there. She's little so she doesn't understand why they told her that. I felt awful. I want him to get custody of her so we can get her into some kind of fun activity she loves baseball. So I was thinking T-ball or something. She can learn how to work together with others, make friends, stay healthy and I hope have fun. I don't know how to deal with all of this. I feel like I'm getting in over my head. Am I ready to be this little girls mom? I have no idea.

    The fact that my boyfriend doesn't have custody (no one does) is going to make it even harder for me to be this little girls mom. The biological mother abandoned her as a baby, but my boyfriend tried to work things out with her for the baby's sake for the first year. Things didn't work out. She was a cheating whore! Well my boyfriend even after that didn't take custody. The little girl (I don't want to put names up) lives with her grandmother to this day, out of control and over weight. My boyfriend sometimes takes the little girl to see her other grandparents and since the bio-mother lives with her parents she gets to see her. The bio-mother also tries to make the little girl call her mommy. She sees her like 8 hours a year. She doesn't want to call her mommy. She's just confused. I'm so pissed because my boyfriend doesn't want to try to get custody because he's afraid he'll lose.

    For one he's probably not the bio-father. The bio-mother had the little girl 5 months after my boyfriend and his ex did anything and she was a fully developed 8lb baby. So... yeah...
    My boyfriend is retarded and never had a DNA test. NEVER. He's afraid of the out come. I would be too, but you know. He should have done that years ago.
    So he's afraid because he may not be the bio dad he may lose.

    The bio mother smokes in the house with the kids (yes she has another daughter by some other guy, like I said hoe).
    She is a bar tender and drinks in the house around the kids
    She does drugs
    She has been in jail (minor thing but still)
    She doesn't provide anything for the little girl except presents once in a while on holidays
    She doesn't parent her and never has
    She doesn't call or try to spend time with the little girl during the year except holidays and sometimes she doesn't even call then her parents (the little girls other grand parents) are the ones that call.
    She lets her other daughter be mean to the little girl.
    She tells the little girl she should be louder and bad (?) She said that the first time I met her at her work (applebee's) She was like "BEEP you need to be louder your a BEEB girl you need to be loud and bad." I was thinking to myself "? IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMAN?"
    She wanted to give the little girl up for adoption at birth.
    She just a bad influence on the girl.
    She doesn't know anything about the little girl like her fave food, or her least fave food, her fave toy, her fave TV show, what she can spell or write NOTHING
    She knows NOTHING
    But she tries to force the mommy word onto her

    My boyfriend on the other hand besides not taking full responsibility and being a full time dad
    We go and visit her at her grandmothers every other weekend.
    We take her to our apt for visits for one-two weeks at a time a few times a year
    My boyfriend provides food for her, new cloths, night time undies and stuff a father should do
    We play with her
    We take her out to movies and to the park
    We spend time with her

    All I know is I can't take this ex-gf bull .

    I want her out of ourlives.

    The little girl is so confused. Since she's lived with her grandmother for the past 4 years she thinks she's her mom. She calls her grandmother mommy and mom. That upsets me and no one does anything about it. This past year even the grandmother has started calling herself mom and mommy. She says things like "Mommy takes care of you huh?" "Mamma" this and that and AH! It upsets me.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We live together in a different state than his daughter. She will be starting school in about a year and a half and I want her to live with us, but if we're not going to be her parents now when are we.
    If he wants me to be his daughters mother than he needs to show me so.
    We've talked and we want to get married one day and be a family, but unless he gets custody of his child or tries to this year I don't want to be upset and confused any longer. I don't want that.

    I know he's scared but not doing anything is awful. THe little girl needs her daddy and a mother. She wants a mommy. That's why she calls her grandmother mommy. She wants one.

    She doesn't call her bio mother mommy because she's not her mom. She doesn't mother her or anything. So in my opinion she doesn't count. She abandoned her years ago and by LAW if you don't have contact with your child for 90days or more that's legal abandonment. Even after you have contact with your child you still abandoned them.

    I'm just tired of her calling my boyfriend and being rude to me and trying to force the mom word on the little girl the whole 4 times a year she sees her.

    I can't do this. I can't deal with her and I don't think its right what my boyfriend is doing.

    He needs to take charge and be mature about this and get his daughter.

    What should I do about this. I've told him this and he just blocks it out of his mind and doesn't think about it.
    That is freaking wrong. Just wrong.

    We know she's probably not biologically his, but in every other way she is and has been her whole life.

    I'm tired of dealing and hearing about the ex. They call her "The name we don't speak of" for someone my boyfriend and his family doesn't speak of they freaking speak of her too freaking much.

    I just can't deal with this.

    My boyfriend and I are buying a house. Well my names not on it, but I'm paying for part of it and living there. I'm having second thoughts though. My career is just starting here in the state we live in and its just going to get better, but if I leave. I'm leaving the love of my life behind and my career. I don't know what to do. I'm happy but not at the same time...

    MsQuestions's Avatar
    MsQuestions Posts: 4, Reputation: 3
    New Member

    Apr 14, 2009, 08:49 PM

    So I see some people have looked at my question/problem but no one has answered. I know it's a long post but if you could read it and give me some advice that would be so great!
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
    Family & People Expert

    Apr 15, 2009, 07:46 AM
    He's got a lot of baggage and if you want to get involved with this man, you're going to have to accept his baggage. It's not going to be easy at all.

    You have to realize that he has a daughter and that's the daughter's real mom, nor matter how bad she is. He will always be the dad and she will always be the mom. Even if he gets rid of her now, she will always be part of the daughter's life.

    So unless you feel ready to accept his situation, I suggest you find another guy.
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
    Ultra Member

    Apr 15, 2009, 09:05 AM

    I think it is good that your willing to accept his daughter as your own because a lot of females don't do that.

    It's good that your trying to push your boyfriend in the right direction for the sake of his child however you can push the issue all you want but it is up to him to do somehing. At this time he doesn't because of his own fears. Maybe on day that will change or it might never change.

    I know his daughter mother doesn't get the mother of the year award but no matter what she is the mother. Even if her rights was to get terminated he will most likely always talk to her.

    Your boyrfiend needs to decide what he wants and hopefully he makes the right choice but I think the two of you are rushing things a little to quick. I hate for the two of you to get a house together and things doesn't work out or his daughter or you get too attach to each other and things don't work out.

    I think your should thread slowly and let the relationship blossom.

    P.S. Visitors read your thread too it isn't always the members. Usually there is more visitors on here than members and visitors can't respond to your thread.
    MsQuestions's Avatar
    MsQuestions Posts: 4, Reputation: 3
    New Member

    Apr 15, 2009, 09:49 AM

    Thanks for replying, and my boyfriend only talks to the other woman when she calls him. He doesn't call her ever. She only calls a couple times a year and I just can't stand it. I don't know what to do, because the little girl and I are already really close. That's why I'm pushing him to get custody, because someone has to have it before she starts school and for other future things.

    I understand why he's afraid too. He's not sure he's the real dad and he doesn't want the other person to get custody, but she has never shown concern for the little girl or anything about her. She also has only been calling and coming around more since my boyfriend and I started dating. She's just jealous. So it's more she's jealous of me than actually wanting to spend time with her daughter.

    Check this.
    My boyfriend and I took the little girl over to see her grandparents and that woman and she said hi and let her unwrap presents (it was xmas). Well after she finished with presents the other lady just went off into the dinning room and played poker and smoked her death sticks and drank. Than when my boyfriend and I made the little girl a plate of food I sat next to her to make sure she ate her food. She wanted to play with her new stuff instead but she hadn't eating much that day so I wanted to make sure she had something. Well the other lady came in and even thow she's a mean BEEEEEEP I offered her my seat so she could sit next to the little girl and she was like "No that's ok." and walked off into the kitchen where my boyfriend was and than she played some more poker. If we're only there so you and your parents can see the little girl spend some freaking time with her. She didn't so whatever.

    She doesn't care in my opinion.
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
    Ultra Member

    Apr 15, 2009, 10:07 AM

    Yes, she doesn't care. She knows it and I am pretty should everyone around her knows it too.

    However, this issue is between the two of them and he needs to put his fears aside and do what is in the best interest for the child.

    It doesn't matter if he talks to her twice out the year, twice a week, or twice a month. He is going some of contact with he due to the child. Even if he gets custody he still is going have to deal with her.
    chrissymarie's Avatar
    chrissymarie Posts: 563, Reputation: 53
    Senior Member

    Apr 15, 2009, 01:28 PM

    You, your boyfriend, the grandma, and whoever else takes care of her may be depriving her of a happy healthy life with the bio dad just because your boyfriend is too afraid to get a paternity test because he is worried that the kid he hardly takes care of may not be his?? ( sounds like bs to me)

    I think that child is his and he's really immature and doesn't want to take care of his kid so he's throwing her to the grandparents and anyone else who is willing to help. If his baby mama was such a horrible person during their relationship what makes you think he wasn't the same way she was (you are who you associate yourself with) He needs to take a paternity test. He's probably just afraid that once it's confirmed that it is his he'll have to take full custody of her and he'll have no more excuses for being a bad parent.

    You hardly know this guy... don't be nieve and get wrapped up in his lies.

    If the child really isn't his CPS will find the bio dad and bio mom and the little girl can go to her natural home or a home CPS will see as fit for her.

    None of this is your responsibility and you don't want any of it to be your responsibility so you need tyo back out before you boyfriend gives her to you... I suggest a separation from your boyfreidn would be best until someone accepts full custody of the little girl (rightfully)

    Your boyfriend just sounds like he's running from responsibility (to me.)
    chrissymarie's Avatar
    chrissymarie Posts: 563, Reputation: 53
    Senior Member

    Apr 15, 2009, 01:31 PM

    And as for him speaking to the child's mother... he has to. They share custody of the child.
    fighterace26's Avatar
    fighterace26 Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Apr 15, 2009, 01:40 PM

    It IS possible for your boyfriend to get custody, I am a single father of 4 kids that I have full custody of, it sounds like he needs to go to the court and file a motion for custody, and he better do it soon! The longer he takes the harder it will be,

    Also check out everyone there can answer your questions about getting custody.

    As far as talking and being civil to the ex... welcome to life, it sucks but it's a reality you will have to deal with. Good luck,

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