To say the least I am a bit confused about the relationship with my ex. In context I met her about 8 years ago and I dated her for three years. I did love her but we stopped connecting after this time and when my dad became unwell I asked could she come up with me to see him and she declined saying she felt burnt out by work etc and a bereavement in her own family. The relationship eneded shortly after that having moved and changed job.
We have had contact since the relationship ended sometimes it may not be for six months and have both dated others since. However with my ex there is an often invisible connection and after contact again it always seems to revertt back to the same pattern , feelings come into it and then one withdraws again. I do love her and most people I know and she knows sees this connection between us and have advised us to move on both of us try but we seem to keep getting drawn back to each other. Recently we had conatct again when she was having trouble at work and asked my advice (part of me thinks this was only to see me again). So we met up and I chatted to her about her work probs I was tired and did and going to go and she offered the spare room as. I half joked that I would stay if I could stay in her room but she didn't seem too keen. I didn't want to use her if anything would have developed I would have liked to have a relationship with her again.anyway as I left I hugged her and said come and see me soon and she agreed. I then texted her and got a reply saying she wasn't herself recently I offerd to call her and she didn't even reply. I feel a bit lost in all this an I'm in the middle of it to much to see the wood from the toes. I would ask her out again but I'm scared it would frighten her away and I wanted to bulid up to it gain. However back to the familiar again with no contact again. I do love her. Anyone with any objective advice would be appreciated

Anthony

Hello Anthony
I think what you are describing is the love that one holds dear after the romance is over.

When you truly love someone and the relationship ends,it is not uncommon to continue to have feelings of love for that person.

You did after all love them but the type of love changes and it is more akin to the love we have for our closest friends.

It is not the type of romantic love that can sustain a healthy romantic relationship.

It is comfortable to be with her and it is familiar so we often cling to that because it gives us a sense of security.

There is a big leap between "being " in love and loving.

I think the romantic relationship has outlived itself so I would concentrate on the friendship,if you can do so without unrealistic expectations for a future romance.

Thanks for that angle on it artlady. Much appreciated. It just keeps bouncing back though and it seems despite both our efforts to let go it hasn't happened. Its like cat and mouse thing. Very confusing

You can always take the leap and let her know that you want to rekindle your relationship. But it looks like she's going to reject that suggestion.

So if she's going to refuse getting back together, then you're falling for the demon of false hope.

I suggest you leave each other alone until you've completely healed from the break up because if you continue to keep in contact with her, you're just going to add to the confusion and over-analyze all the de tails.

When you're unsure about how she feels, you can always ask her. If you know her, and know how to approach her about this, you will know how to go about asking her if she's still interested. However, if you two DO decide to continue, you should both realize that one of the worst things that can take it's toll on a relationship is wishy-washyness. You have to have commitment in your relationship, and stability. If someone is unstable, it's not going to work.
But my advice is to simply ask her if she's interested and willing to be committed or not.

When you've been in love with someone and really cared about them it can take a long time to let go of the emotional bonds. Artlady is very right (had to spread the rep Artsy) - you know her, it feels comfortable, there is a connection, but a relationship would be probably be a disaster.

When I separated from my Ex, I met my current husband only a few months after. It was all very weird, but because my ex and I had parted on good terms we continued to see each other and talk intimately - there was still a strong emotional bond. After about a year, my husband said to me that the relationhsip with him would not progress unless I disconnected emotionally from my ex. He was right, and I stopped the intimate talking and focused on my now husband.

The point that I'm making is that if you're going to move on, and you must, you need to disconnect from your ex. It's romantic to imagine that you might re-unite, but clearly this is not her wish.

You need to close the door on this relationship - see her less, and avoid being drawn back into something that is comfortable but which troubles you. Begin to see yourself as available to other people and focus on that, rather than brooding over what might be with the ex.