Background: I am 50 my ? Is 55. We have been living together for 3 years. We are both divorced for over 7 years. We love each other very much ( I love her, she says she loves me with all he heart). She moved here 4 years ago while her mother was in poor health, to help her sister care for the mother. We met shortly after her mother passed away. She moved in with me 6 months later. We are both attractive, fit, and caring people. We never argue, or even have cross words.
The issue: Christmas of year one she left, without saying anything. She left a note that stated she missed her children and grandchildren very much, and stated that I never asked her to marry me. She was gone for two weeks and called to ask if she could move back in. No problem I said. Christmas 2010 - she told me she was leaving me again, quit her job and left... again for the same reason. Three weeks later she wants to move back. No problem. When she came home I proposed and she said yes. Yesterday I came home to an empty house, all of her stuff was gone and another note... she called crying and told me that when she is with me she misses her kids, when she is with her kids she misses me. She wants to come back already... the children live 700 miles away, and I can't afford a ticket to fly her there every time she gets the " mother urge"
Any thoughts on this will be welcomed.

Ah, the couple who never argues.. I was one half of one of those for many many years.
I would start arguing just a wee bit.
For starters, this makes no sense. Why on god's green earth can't she plan to see her children without walking mysteriously out the door, or leaving a note, or clearing out all her possessions? Why is she leaving you instead of annual visits (at her expense)? I mean, it seems that she WAS leaving you, but surely 3 times is a kick in the pants. I would sit her down and tell her enough is enough. And I would also tell her that you don't have the plane ticket if she is still there. Her children can buy her ticket.

When you say Christmas 2010, you don't mean 2009? 2010 was a month ago. She cleared out shortly after getting back?

I have a feeling that marriage might be key here - you took a whole year to propose after she wanted it, and still no wedding yet? Ask her. ASK her what's going on! We can guess until the cows come home.

This may seem harsh, but it not directed at you.

She's making excuses for her very unacceptable behavior. At 55 years of age she should be old enough to talk to you like an adult instead of acting like a teenager running away and then begging for and expecting forgiveness after the fact. As a parent, I do understand the desire to be near her children. I also understand the need to communicate those feelings and work on compromises with the person you profess to love.

Do Not allow her to return to the house unless she knows what she wants and is willing to sit down with you and discuss it.

This isn't about marriage. If it were, she wouldn't have left after you proposed. This is about manipulation and I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't want you to move closer to her children to make life easier for her. That way she doesn't have to choose where she wants to be.

I think you need to decide if you want to put up with this or if you trust her to act like a partner and discuss her wants and needs with you. Does she listen to what you want and need in the relationship?

What do you want and need?

Cat1864: thanks for the harsh but true words. While she is here, she is exactly what I am looking for. The sex is great, she is quiet and laid back, she is a great companion and friend... just flakes out now and then. I can't move closer to her children at this stage of my life due to MY parents failing health, and she knows that.
Joypulv: thanks, but I did mean 2010 - yes three weeks ago - I asked her to marry me. And yes it is a kick in the crotch area... I have asked her *** is going on, she tells me the same thing I have written here " when I'm there, I pine to be here, when I'm here I pine to be there" and this time I got a strange phone call yesterday morning - ( sobbing ) " I am half way there, I am sitting at an exit ramp, looking at the highway and I do not know which way to go"... I replied " I can not make that choice for you, I love you and want you home, but you have to make that choice yourself".. . She arrived there yesterday afternoon, called me to say that she wants to come back home Monday... (yes tomorrow)..

I didn't think you could move on what would be her whim. When she thinks rationally, I don't think she does either. However, I think that under all of her actions is probably a desire for you to offer that solution so she doesn't have to.

Does her sister still live in town? If so, then if she comes back, let her move in with her sister instead of you. Go back to just dating IF you want to continue the relationship. Personally, I wouldn't trust her.

I honestly think it is time for you to decide what you want and to be honest with her.

Thanks again Cat. At this stage of my life I should not be looking for advise about love and relationships. Speaks volumes about me?
I was married to a verbally abusive woman for 18 years. Long story about that and I will save that one for a shrink. The ex cheated on me after the ninth year, confessed and I thought I could move forward. After eight more years (monogamous) I just couldn't get passed the trust issue. ( I am a very patient person). So yes, trust is a big must have on my list. However I did not love my ex near as much as I love this one. Love is blind, and in this case STUPID. I want to believe that she has learned her lesson. I have met two of her three children, they both think that I am the best thing that has EVER happened to her. They do not understand her thought process either, but they are her kids and have to love her. I have made it crystal clear to her that this is the second to last time that she will walk out on me. The next time I am done - no calls, no text, no e-mails, no coming back. I have explained to her that my trust can not be given, it must be earned, she claims to understand. Her statement to me was " I will do whatever it takes to earn your trust back" I am skeptical... But as I stated... STUPID...

I don't think you or love is stupid. If stupidity was involved, you wouldn't be asking for advice or open to hearing it.

If you are set on making this work, counseling might help. I get the impression that she may have some ghosts of relationships past haunting her, too.

I would definitely wait on marriage or joining any accounts until she has worked through her internal issues. If marriage is still on the table, a long engagement should be part of it.

Be careful and remember to take care of yourself.

You're never too old to get relationship advice. No worries!

It sounds like she's very unsure of what she wants. She's constantly swinging back and forth. At her age, who knows if she can settle down on something.

It's nice that you're willing to give her another chance, but realize that there's no guarantee that she will be here to stay. The fact that you keep taking her back has given her confidence to leave you, because she knows that you'll always provide that safety net.

Cat: yes she has ghost from the past marriages (2) both of her exes cheated on her. She knows that I am not that kind of person. I simply believe that she has some kind of abandonment issues from her mom... her dad was not there - he ran off before she was born- so the issue may be that she does not want her children to feel abandoned.

I Wish: thanks for the input. She knows that I am not a needy person. And that I AM man of my word... she knows that this is the last chance she will ever have with me.