[Saz]

I broke up with my ex two days before valentines day this year, well he broke up with me. We were only together for 3 months but I've never felt so strongly for anyone else.
Since we broke up I've just been feeling the same pain of it and he's all I think about.
Anyway I think it's the fact I can't stop thinking about him which I think makes me unable to stop dreaming about him. What I'm asking is would you be able to suggest any way to prevent dreaming about him? Because trying to concentrate on other subjects whilst I'm in bed hasn't helped so far :(

[fredg]

Hi, Saz,
I am not a Psychic, but you have posted in a good category, and many will see your question.
Dreams are of the sub-conscious, and are about things we think about the most, during the day or preceding days. You have already said that, trying to think of other things before you go to sleep.
Getting over someone is hard. I found that after my 6 yrs relationship, many years ago, with my girlfriend, fell apart, after we went our separate ways to colleges, and she found someone else! Took me a year to start dating again.
Then, after my 1st marriage of 7 yrs ended in divorce, had to start all over. After 3 years, remarried now to a wonderful woman for 29 yrs.
I would suggest meeting others. Smile when you do. It shows you like yourself, and others will like you, too. Time and talking with others will get your mind off your ex. It will take some time.
Also, when meeting others, listen to them. Listening to others can make more friends in a month, than in a year by having them listen to you. When they start asking about you, then, talk about yourself. (from Dale Carnegie).
I do wish you the best, and good luck. Remember; only we have the ability to change our lives... no one can do it for us.

[Saz]

Thank you for your advice, and I'm glad to hear it all worked out for you in the end.
I think I do need to find someone I truly do want to be in a relationship again.
I feel silly sometimes for still feeling this much pain when we weren't together for all that long really, but I just can't help it.
I will keep your advice in mind though :)
It helps to talk about how I feel to people instead of in blogs to myself lol
X

[valinors_sorrow]

Welcome to the site, Saz and your post is good with me.

Sometimes, as crazy as it sounds, we need to embrace something rather than push it away. A kind of trust yourself and step into the fire, not back away. And I do NOT mean take up with the ex again or make contact with him in any manner here, okay? I mean take a closer look at the topic.

There very well may be some piece of a puzzle, some valuable little lesson to learn here which fuels this topic coming up over and over whether you are awake or asleep. I have experience this "pestering topic phenomena" myself many times although I don't consider myself psychic.

I was told once that "what we resist, persists!" And not solving it is a way to guarantee that a problem will continue to repeat itself. Like a pest, it continues to "knock" at our mental or emotional door.

One way to uncover what the #$@#$# lesson is... (and yes there is a frustration built into this too, so you are not alone there, okay?)
Is to talk at length with someone who has learned a lot of lessons, someone who may recognise the lesson having learned it themselves. Do you have anyone like that in your life? Or would you like to offer more details here and let us take a shot at it?

For most people the pain of a break up diminishes with time. To know specifically why it is not with you would take me hearing a few more details about you in general.

I hope this helps you.

[Saz]

Thank you for your advice as well, I knew there would be some confrontation in this somewhere lol.
I might try asking a few people on my msn contact list who are older, because I do seem to talk to a few older people, to see if they have experienced this as well.
What sort of details would you need to know about me in order to help resolve this?


Xx

[valinors_sorrow]

It would help to know your age, and a few details of your general circumstances, such as if you are in school or work, live on your own or are still at home, if this was your first relationship, if you have other friends, and if there is any other source of happiness in your life.

This is only if you are comfortable, okay?

This is not meant to be confrontational, only a better understanding of context.

[Saz]

I'm 16, I live at home with my parents. I'm currently in college, soon to do exams. It wasn't my first relationship, id only just come out of an 8 month relationship, we'd been seeing each other for about a month whilst I was still with the person I was with for 8 months.
The things in life that make me happiest are having a good time with my friends, piercings, listening to music - metal in particular - and reading, oh and shopping lol

Xx
X

[valinors_sorrow]

Okay, thank you for sharing those details.

You may not like my take on it but it is out of sincere concern for you, so here goes...

You are not fully grown yet. I mean emotionally and personality-wise and life situation-wise. You need time to develop. If I were your parent, I would be supervising you so that you dated only. No serious involvements. I would recognise that it takes being more grown up, more evolved into your OWN life, to handle the headiness of relationships.

I would be gently steering you to concentrate on school, your friends and any hobbies or interests you have. I would be helping you to make plans on how to transition from this stage of your life into young adulthood where you will be on your own.

There is a hazard to trying to grow up too fast. Its really easy to get off on the wrong foot with lust and love and all the craziness that comes with that and begin looking for love anywhere you might think you can get it.

Is any of this making any sense? Do you have any quality time with your parents or grandparents or older face-to-face friends?

[Saz]

I don't really talk to my family about this sort of stuff, I mostly tell my friends my feelings.
I do try to concentrate on hobbies and seeing friends and it does help when I'm with my friends because I don't think of him so much, but I can't be around my friends all the time. And I can't busy myself 24/7 just to keep my mind off him because when it comes to relaxing I think of him anyway.
The worst thing is I'm always reminded of him, whether it's a place or when someone says something or I think of something.
It's not like I am looking for lust and love anywhere I can find it. I do think about who id be happy with and don't just go with anyone.
The people I go out with I develop feelings for over time, I don't go out with people straight away, I get to know them first.

I'm certainly not trying to grow up too fast, past relationships have helped me to grow though, and learn lessons from mistakes.
I do understand I'm not exactly an adult and yes I am still developing mentally, but when I am faced with a situation I may not have experienced before I generally tend to handle it well.
X

[valinors_sorrow]

I am glad you have so much going for you, that is a good sign.

What do you think these seemingly obsessive thoughts and dreams could mean? I would be interested to hear even if it's a really wild guess.

[Saz]

I'm not all that sure. When I try and explain how I feel about him I always feel really upset and almost start to cry.
I talked about how I'm feeling with a good friend recently because he's in a similar situation but we just both ended up upsetting ourselves.
And when I do explain how I feel it does seem obsessive and I just feel silly because I don't want him back, because id never set myself up for that again with the same person, but I just can't seem to stop feeling pain every time we talk, which isn't that often, and I just feel like I really miss him. I really loved his personality and the little things about him as well as his looks. But it's the fact I do still miss him which annoys me because its been a while now but I still feel unhappy whenever I think about it or I mention it. Its like I love and hate him. Its like it haunts me.

In my dream last night I was looking at him through a window wanting to reach out to him but I couldn't, but in the next part of the dream I just cuddled up to him and he didn't push me away and we kissed.
In another recent dream he was in a place that looked like my college with his mother, and two of his friends, who are also friends of mine, were there as well. But in this dream I was ignoring him and when he left I felt upset.
But I don't know what these dreams mean.

It's still so hard for me to talk to him, its usually him that tries to talk to me but even if its just general conversation I find I can't talk to him, I always give short answers without meaning to. When I do that I can tell it upsets him.
When I talk to him although I am not feeling happy I don't want to seem happy either, like I want him to feel bad for making me feel bad.
I want to make him see how upset he made me and feel bad for it.

That's a lot of what I feel

[valinors_sorrow]

Without making this seem like some light weight thing, which it is not...
It sounds like a crush to me. And crushes have both a dizzingly wonderful side and an oh my god I am dying side to them. Fortunately we don't die though!

Its hard because you aren't sure if you'll ever meet anyone who will make you feel like that again. But you will.

And its unimaginable that you will feel all this again, over someone else or even want to. But you will and it won't be so vivid.

Its hard to understand how someone you loved could make you feel so bad, but some of those feelings are being amplified by your youth and lack of experience.

When I look at your dreams in particular, it seems you are trying on all the different aspects to a relationship... lonliness behind the glass, acceptance cuddling, and even rejection too, which can be upsetting for either party, surprise surprise.

Somehow this all makes me want to say to you very sincerely:
Please don't doubt your lovableness. You may not have it very well defined for yourself yet, but you will figure out who you are in time. This guy will not be the only one to discover how lovable you really are either.

You are lovable. :)

Dream some more meanwhile, okay?

[Saz]

Maybe the fact I felt so much for him meant the downfall was more painful.
But not to worry, I don't doubt that I'll be dreaming lol, I dream a lot.
And thanks :)
This has helped me, more than a blog ever could.

Xxxx

[valinors_sorrow]

Good to know that! (hug)

[Saz]

*hug* lol :)

[Saz]

I sort of tried confrontation of the subject before going to sleep last night.
Usually whenever I start to think of him or am reminded of him I just block it out and try and think of something else but last night I just laid and thought about all the things I hadn't let myself think of before and although it upset me I think its helped today, I haven't thought of him as much today, but that's also because I've been doing revision with a friend today which helped.
So am feeling better today lol

Just felt the need to write that down somewhere.
Xx

[Dreamchaser]

Val...
You said that so well. I don't think I could have said that any better.

[Marj Ann]

To Saz: Val HAS gently... given you some marvelous advice, little one! Oh, How I remember the uncertainty & agony of standing where you stand this moment! While you can't realize it, the hormone part of your make-up IS dominating what is happening with you now. Oh, how I WISH there was some way to make you realize & understand [and avoid] the deceptive and disruptive this is to your entire life, happingess, goals, and well being in general; unless you can avoid all that unnecessary pain and agony! Since I can't put you in a Convent & make certain you attend all of the 'classes' I'd research & suggest, and/or make you read all the books I would recommend ]and NOT] [all IN retrospect , of course] I don't have a lot of confidence that your hormones and infantile 'neediness' will allow you to 'hear' what Val, I and/or others may say. Ahhhh What bitter-Sweet agony! Maybe you'll get back to us in a few years... when this is behind you? ~Take care, sweet baby... Oh! How I wish I could ZAP you with a protective Wisdom... but unfortunately all WE CAN DO is pray you come through it unschathed!

[ranieri]

Well to keep busy is the best thing, make plans with your friends, keep people around you all the time.

But... you need time to heal and feel this pain. Do the work now of releasing and letting go, and letting GOD. Otherwise shoving it all back down inside of you will force it to come out at an unexpected time and it will be worse to deal with cause you've denied this part of you, that is very real.

Why are we afraid to hurt? Why are we afraid to work it through?
Why does it have to go away now?

Did you get into the relationship so quickly?
Is that all the time it took to get to feeling this way?

Nope. I had an old boyfriend that used to say that it took 2xs as long to get over the relationship, as the relationship was around. He is right to some extent! Your relationship lasted 3 months, it will take you 6 months to get it out of your system, time heals.

OF course you could do like most individuals do to get it out of their heart instantly. Start another relationship, have a one night stand, but his doent give you the time you need to heal and look back on and gain insight.

ANd only adds to your pain, because you are not getting involved with the person now for the right reasons and then you set up another bad relationship. Your future bad thing is already in the works, your asking for it when you do not honor yourself and your heart.

When you have a heart ache and need to talk or get it out of your system, journaling is the best way. Have you ever been really mad at someone and wrote them an angry letter about how you feel... and when you are done, its like relief, ahh, I got that off my chest... what was I so mad about... im not going to send this to him now.

When you journal and you are upset, don't worry about what you are writing or even if its readable by someone else. Just keep writing no mater if it's the same word over and over about your hair, the car, someone else, just get it all out of you onto paper. And go back and read it later on, say 3 days, a week or even 6 months. Your answers about what to do will be written in there too! And about your future happenings!

THis also works for reading your DREAMS. I saw many posts about interpreting your own dream. When you go to bed, put your paper and pen by the bed. 1st thing in the moring start writing down the dreams, order and neatness do not matter, again write the sam word over whatever, don't think about it just do.

And re read it a week later, a month later. You will be very surprised at what you find out!

Peace ranieri

I broke up with my ex two days before valentines day this year, well he broke up with me. we were only together for 3 months but ive never felt so strongly for anyone else.
Since we broke up ive just been feeling the same pain of it and he's all i think about.
Anyway i think its the fact i can't stop thinking about him which i think makes me unable to stop dreaming about him. What i'm asking is would you be able to suggest any way to prevent dreaming about him? because trying to concentrate on other subjects whilst im in bed hasn't helped so far :(