[lomeg]

First off this is going to be lengthy and I apologize... this story is just extremely complicated and needs lots of context and explanation... I'll tell it in chronological order (obviously.. haha)
OK here goes-

Back in December 2006 I went on a trip to NYC (I'm Canadian) with my sister and a friend. I had just turned 21, and while there I met my ex, who was 19 and visiting from another state. It sounds absurd but the second I saw him I knew my life would not be the same. After 4 days of staying at the same hostel, we stayed up my entire last night talking and it was clear there was something extremely strong between us. A few weeks later he came up to my city, and in those 2 weeks we fell madly, head-over-heels in love. We knew the future was shaky; I was still in school at home, he was working a nothing job at home and wanted more. Tentatively the plan was for him to eventually come up here and start school, but it wasn't solidified because of financial and I suppose legal/bureaucratic difficulties. Still though, we talked every day, went to visit each other regularly (which was a huge financial strain on him) and he was convinced we would work through it. We were each others first loves, and at least at the time thought it was true; we talked about our future kids jokingly as if nothing would change, he told me all the time how I was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to him, that I was everything he ever wanted, all that good stuff. We never had big fights, we treated each other with respect and communicated... until things went very bad in the summer of 2007.

I had gone on vacation with a couple of my friends soon after a trip to see him. It was by far the hardest goodbye we'd had but I was even more sure of our love for each other. The first week I was gone he emailed me all the time, sent me quotes he knew I would find funny and/or inspirational, told me he loved me. Then, in the next 2 weeks, he stopped answering me. Finally a few days before I got home, he said he'd just been really sick and busy and stressed, but emphasized how much he still loved me, he was sorry, etc. So- I get home, call him, he acted really strange, then basically told me over msn it was over. I took this... very badly to put it mildly. For about 3 weeks I hounded him because I simply could not understand why he was throwing away "the best thing that ever happened to him." He maintained that it had nothing to do with me, that he loved me and always would, but the distance and the money was just too much. His mother even called me to offer her support, she said he had never been this way about a girl, she knew he loved me very much and she hoped things would work out. I offered to move down to be with him, he refused... I know he didn't think his location would have anything to offer me, he knew I didn't really want to live there (though I would have for him and been happy about it), he knew I had dreams of getting my PhD at Columbia.

Fine... so I guess the smart thing to do would have been to deal with it and not contact him, right? Well... I didn't. Instead I did the complete opposite. I did all sorts of stupid stuff in the following couple of months; sending him emails and texts, asking his ex-gf for her opinion (who I of course never met and was completely embarrassed about), etc. He was annoyed but patient... and never told me he no longer loved me. I reaffirmed this for myself frequently by checking his phone online (he once told me his password, without my asking, and I completely abused his trust, I feel like an awful person for it, I know it's wrong) and seeing the words "love of my life" in my contact information and a list of significant dates in our relationship. I figured he just needed to see me and we'd get back together, so I actually went down to see him about 6 months later. I did not get the response I wanted at all, even though he wrote this entire poem about me the night after I left that basically showed he loved me deeply but was incapable of a relationship at the time, which was consistent with what he told me (though he was much harsher in his execution... the poem was beautiful and it felt like it was written by a different person.) I couldn't tell him I saw it obviously, so for the next 6 months I tried to accept things as they were, I dated other people, though I still loved him very, very much. We wrote each other occasionally and I thought we could be friends, maybe someday in the future back to more. A couple of months ago he posted a bulletin on myspace that was a little rap he'd created, talking about a dream he had about a girl and it really sounded like it was about me; all the suspicions I had about why he acted the way he did were confirmed, he was faking not wanting to see me, he had set a timeline (5 years) for when he felt he would be ready to be with me and offer me more than he could at the moment. All my crazy obsessive thoughts were true! He deleted it really quickly, I think before he thought I saw it. I figured he actually wasn't ready and had thought twice... okay... I have an immense capacity for patience.

Then this...
A few nights ago, he posted a picture on his myspace of him kissing another girl. Not a new girlfriend, just some girl. I flipped out. Completely. After so many months of controlling my emotions (or at least what he saw of them) they all came pouring out in a 1 day text message marathon. I told him how much that hurt me, how I knew why we weren't together but that in all honesty I wanted to end up with him eventually. He told me he didn't mean to hurt my feelings but that he thought I was over it, that I should be, because I am so smart and beautiful I will find someone else, that he was sorry and that he still cared about me. I asked him finally whether the bulletin post was about me or not, and he replied by not replying at all, but by saying that he knew it (by it I assumed he meant getting his own heart broken) would happen to him some day... this last thing infuriated me so much, it's like he went out of his way to completely minimize what our relationship was and what it meant to him.. like he bounced back so quickly and effortlessly. Then he took me off his top friends on myspace (yes I realize how silly this sounds).. and that just hurt even more. Of course, because I am a masochist I checked my status on his phone again. Sure enough the love of my life, the poem, the dates, they're all still there.

I know I should stop trying to decipher this... as far as he knows he has made it abundantly clear he doesn't want me anymore. What he knows I can see and what he tells me makes that clear. I just... can't shake the stuff he doesn't know I know. If I hadn't been so happy when we were together, I would never put up with any of this. I just still miss him and love him despite everything. I want to move on, but at the same time I am scared I will and a few years down the line he will be ready and I won't be there, and I might then miss out. I know it's possible I will meet someone even better, but it just doesn't seem likely right now..
I want to stop speaking to him, for at least a year or two... but I can't stand the idea of never seeing him again. It won't happen unless one of us makes a conscious effort and I don't want to be the one to do it again.

Does anyone have any advice, been in somewhat similar situations.. Is it really possible to truly love someone and choose not to be with them, ever, if you are fundamentally compatible, which I am quite sure we are? I know our break up was initially based on circumstance, but that's going to change in the future... is this completely lost?

[liz28]

I think you should stop checking his phone records and looking at his myspace. You have to stop toturing yourself and move on and accept this is over and been over for months and stop obessiving over him. Move on because he has. Get the thought out of your head that your will get back together because your giving yourself false hope. Do you really want to sit around and wait for him? No, your just will be letting time past you by. There's more to life than him. You live and learn and know there're no guarantees. Things will last and sometimes they won't and when they don't you let go. Never sit and wait for no one. Go out with your girlfriends and have fun, life don't end because of him. Your still young and one day will met your match. Close this chapter of your life and start a new one.

[akez]

I know you don't want to hear this, but, yes, let him go. Take him off the pedistal you've put him on. You have the advantage of ignoring him and not running into him since he lives elsewhere. He will be back! And when he does you may not want his imature a@@ around. He's not been honest with you... "its not you, its me"... what the heck, the last time I used that line I was in the 8th grade! He couldn't even give you the courtesy of telling you on the phone. Don't forgive him so easily for this type of treatment. You sound like a great person with a good future ahead of you, don't sell yourself short.

[meand him]

Just want to say to you that love can be a very hurtful thing but on the other hand it can lead you on forever, you need to look inside yourself and figure out what it is that you want ou of life and what it is that you need. It is not all about him , yes you want him and you think that you need him and maybe you do. But is that what you really want are you better than that . Or is he the one for you , the one that you to spend the rest of your life with ? Don't let hm bring you down, act like you don't care , if you want him back and you think he mite want you and you both shared something special then there will be a day that u 2 can have that again if it was meant to b . If not then go on don't try to focus your lfe around him and what he is thinking it will only bring you down and I am sure that is not something that you want to do . You need to lok inside of yourself and really think what makes you tick ? Ask yourself some questions and answer them with your heart and as well your head. Good luck and I hope that you find what it is you are looking for .

[talaniman]

Time to be real, and honest with yourself, and stop building him into someone he isn't, as most of this is about your own assumptions, and high hopes. Of course your upset, things didn't work out.

You really need to work on the trust, and insecurities though, as snooping is not a good quality, and will destroy any trust real quick.

Time to move past this though, and learn from the experience.