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    beneficial's Avatar
    beneficial Posts: 6, Reputation: 0
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    #1

    Jan 2, 2007, 09:21 AM
    Abuse
    Hi I am 18 and I am being abused. It really hurts inside and out. To all men out there you need to know you are destroying a beautiful person, distorting her reflection, sufficating her joy for life and no matter what you think your wrong.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #2

    Jan 2, 2007, 09:24 AM
    To all man out there,

    What are you talking about. Men bashing is not good. Your lumping everybody in one group. Why is that?

    Joe
    Curlyben's Avatar
    Curlyben Posts: 18,464, Reputation: 1857
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    #3

    Jan 2, 2007, 09:26 AM
    And your QUESTION is ?
    Quote Originally Posted by Dictionary.com
    ques·tion /ˈkwɛstʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kwes-chuhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
    –noun
    1. a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.
    2. a problem for discussion or under discussion; a matter for investigation.
    3. a matter of some uncertainty or difficulty; problem (usually fol. by of): It was simply a question of time.
    4. a subject of dispute or controversy.
    5. a proposal to be debated or voted on, as in a meeting or a deliberative assembly.
    6. the procedure of putting a proposal to vote.
    7. Politics. a problem of public policy submitted to the voters for an expression of opinion.
    8. Law.
    a. a controversy that is submitted to a judicial tribunal or administrative agency for decision.
    b. the interrogation by which information is secured.
    c. Obsolete. judicial examination or trial.
    9. the act of asking or inquiring; interrogation; query.
    10. inquiry into or discussion of some problem or doubtful matter.
    –verb (used with object)
    11. to ask (someone) a question; ask questions of; interrogate.
    12. to ask or inquire.
    13. to make a question of; doubt: He questioned her sincerity.
    14. to challenge or dispute: She questioned the judge's authority in the case.
    –verb (used without object)
    15. to ask a question or questions.
    —Idioms
    16. beg the question. beg (def. 9).
    17. beyond question, beyond dispute; without doubt: It was, beyond question, a magnificent performance. Also, beyond all question.
    18. call in or into question,
    a. to dispute; challenge.
    b. to cast doubt upon; question: This report calls into question all previous research on the subject.
    19. in question,
    a. under consideration.
    b. in dispute.
    20. out of the question, not to be considered; unthinkable; impossible: She thought about a trip to Spain but dismissed it as out of the question.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #4

    Jan 2, 2007, 10:31 AM
    Beneficial,

    Abuse comes in many forms. There is not just abuse by SOME man towards women. There is emotional abuse that I have seen from a Mother to a Daughter. There are plenty of stories about boys getting abused by older man. Emotional abuse can be more scarring the physical abuse. You do not know what anybody here has gone through, or witnessed in their life so you can not really say that no one understands. Abuse comes in many forms. Physical abuse from A father to a son. I could list so many different situations. How do you know if I was not abused? See like Scott has said. You made a statement. It was read as it was directed to all men. If your in an abusive situation, then like Scott has said. Describe your abuse, why is it still happening. What are the steps of stopping it. Etc... We are here to help.

    Joe
    beneficial's Avatar
    beneficial Posts: 6, Reputation: 0
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    #5

    Jan 2, 2007, 10:51 AM
    Ok once again I have to explain myself. So I said "to all men" and I meant to say to "abusive men" and I understand and agree and now I guess change that "to all abusers". Because I don't want to lessen any type of abuse. I want to hear about other peoples expeirences. I know about many forms of abuse I have seen a counsellor about this. My abuse didn't start with me it started from my b/f's ma and grandma abusing him when he was young because their men abused them. And because I say men doesn't mean I think their the root or source of abuse. I really thought this would be simpler, you know I put something out and others right about it. I want people to express what they feel about abuse, I feel confused scared and lost. I started in mental or emotional abuse like most other people it progressed to phsical and I would consider my situation dangerous. I have feared for my life many times and certain at some points I should have been to the hospital. I have a studdar I never had and I find myself. I used to get a "good" beating daily but he's tried to stop and know its slowed down but I feel that may be because I know what not to do. What not to talk about or watch or wear I know how to act and who to stay away from, but I don't feel that's living and even though I went thourgh the war I feel a battle inside still like I am a servent and I can't express myself. I am afraid to anger him. So I quess that's still not a question but if other girls(or what ever) feel the same or have felt like that feel free to talk about it here.

    See I'm sorry again I just reread what I wrote and I stopped mid sentence trying to say I find myself messing up alot(or forgetting) after the studder thing. I was going to write that I was never like that, I used to do very well in everything and now I feel dumb.
    Tuscany's Avatar
    Tuscany Posts: 1,049, Reputation: 229
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    #6

    Jan 2, 2007, 11:02 AM
    I am slightly confused here... are you saying that your boyfriend beats you and is controlling?
    If that is the case you should try and leave the situation. I know that it is a lot easier said then done, but you can go to a woman's shelter, or in with your family, or even to a hospital and they will help you. The important thing here is that you leave the situation before it gets completely out of hand.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #7

    Jan 2, 2007, 11:14 AM
    Ok, let try this again. Maybe Ben was a bit sarcastic in posting the definition of a question. But try to put yourself in our place. We come here to help people with problems. To do that we need to understand what they need help with. Your initial post didn't do that so we had to ask you to explain. Joe and Ben took different ways of doing that.

    Next, you explained your purpose, but in doing so you abused us, the people you are asking help from. Despite that, we have tried to help you, But you don't seem to want help. You say in your last post that "want people to express what they feel about abuse". But I don't understand what you think you will get. Do you think people are going to do anything but condemn abuse. Do you think someone, on a site like this is going to stand up and say 'I'm an abuser and I enjoy it!' That's not likely to happen.

    The only help we can give you is to help you deal with the abuse you are suffering. Its my opinion that no one can abuse you if you refuse to let them. So why are you letting him? Why are you still with this person? Why do you endure daily beatings? Why should you have to live in fear that you say or do the wrong thing?

    I can tell you that other people (not just girls) do feel the same way. Generally such people have a very low self esteem that makes them stay in such a relationship. But you are a "beautiful person", you have a "joy of life", that you recognize is being stifled by this abuser. So get out of the relationship! NOW!

    Its good that you recognize that there is a cycle of abuse in his background. It may be that it's the only way he knows. But that means HE needs to change. He needs to understand that the abuse he suffered is wrong and that its time to change the cycle. That if he does care about you, he needs to make that change. That's why you have to leave him, to wake him up to those facts. And you will only return to him when he takes the steps (counseling, anger mgmt, etc.) to make those changes and then only when he shows progress. Because what you are doing now is just feeding the cycle.

    And you also need counseling. To help you understand why you have stayed with him so long and how to deal with your own problems because you did so.

    Please, please get help for yourself AND him. And do it NOW!
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #8

    Jan 2, 2007, 11:15 AM
    So, when being abused. You feel like there is a piece of your heart missing. You feel like you will never fill that empty spot in your heart. Your heart feels like it is ripping apart. There are times when you think by changing your behaviour that, that will save you from your abuse, but in a way you are abusing yourself when you try to change yourself for somebody else. There are times when you feel like your life is not worth living and your better off dead. At the same time you do not want this abuser to have the satisfaction of seeing him win over your soul, spirit. There are feelings of guilt that may interfere in the way you eat, drink, dress, talk. You are in a prison and you want somebody to find you and get you out, but the only one that can get you out of this situation is yourself. So please, leave this situation. It may be scary but if it is to the point it is dangerous, you have no choice but to leave or you will end up dead. Believe me though, there is life after being abused. There are ways for you to gain yourself esteem back. There are ways for you to regain your strength, there are ways to fill your heart with joy, love and happiness again. It is out there, you need to go out and find it. Fill up your heart. Get out of this situation and rebuilt everything and all this pain will be a learning lesson in life that some of us have to go through. The pain has to be put behind us but the memory of it needs to stay in the forefront so we have learned and we have grown. Spiritually and mentally and physically when you go through your lowest times, are a way of growing stronger in the long term. The long run looks brighter, happier and with more freedom you will appreciate everything life has to offer a lot better. That is the positive outcome that could happen after dealing with this life changing experience and it is up to you what outcome you will have.

    About the cycle of abuse. End that cycle with you. That will be your shining moment, because many people who are abused tend to be the abusers. As we have experienced that with you. So it is up to you what you do now.

    Hoping the best for you.

    Joe
    beneficial's Avatar
    beneficial Posts: 6, Reputation: 0
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    #9

    Jan 2, 2007, 11:16 AM
    Thanks it is a lot easier said then done. I know what should be done or what I should do but this is a scary real situation for me and others. That's why I wanted to hear horror stories or real stories from real situations and where they are now. I really didn't want to talk about myself but that's getting better results. I started as like an AA thing "hi my name is ___________and i've been abused for almost 3 yrs" which didn't go well but if someone else wants to take the ball and get it rolling I'ld apperciate losing some heat. And abusers are welcome to speak as well because a lot of them where once a victem too.

    I don't want abusers to come and say they enjoy hurting people, or for more people to make it seem OK I just wanted to hear from people who feel like me, so together we won't be lonely. The jesus helper hits the mark. And just so everyone knows I believe deep down the abused know to leave I know I do I just don't know how. Its not so simple when someone I reallly did love who hurt me is in pain I want to hurt him back bad and I cant. When I tried to leave I seen him cut his wrists heard my family and self get threatened. He has beg for me to stay I even tried to run away so its not just a matter of leaving all the time I don't know what I'm dealing with or what he's capable of all I know is life sucks right know and I want the joy filled heart jesus helper is talking about. I want to live my life and be free to enjoy all of it. I know jelousy is no excuse I know his past is know excuse for him being this way and i kno i have no real excuse to stay but i can always think of one
    Tuscany's Avatar
    Tuscany Posts: 1,049, Reputation: 229
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    #10

    Jan 2, 2007, 11:33 AM
    I am sorry but it seems to me like you are really restricting us on the advise that you want to get. Why not just read what we post and then make your own decisions. You might learn something from an "unwanted" post that could help you or give you some insight on your thoughts.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #11

    Jan 2, 2007, 12:03 PM
    As Joe and I have said, you are allowing the abuse. Generally this is due to a low self esteem. The only way you will get the courage to stop it is by believing in yourself. Now that we have gotten past the initial antagonism, I see you are an intelligent caring person. You need to believe that and believe you are your own person. A good counselor can help. But your first stepp needs to be to stand on your own 2 feet and leave him. At least until he has made some significant changes. There should be support groups for abused women in your area who can help you get on your own. You will also meet others who have gone through what you are going through and learn how they broke the cycle.
    beneficial's Avatar
    beneficial Posts: 6, Reputation: 0
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    #12

    Jan 2, 2007, 12:06 PM
    I know that I keep saying I don't want advise I do take it into consideration but me and thousands of others are given the same advise "get out" and I know its what's smart but not easy and its really all you can say I guess. So I put a new question kind of. I don't want pity I really don't want to talk about my situation I just thought knoing that your talking to someone in a similar place would make talking more comfortable. So sorry to anyone I offened on this site so far
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #13

    Jan 2, 2007, 12:12 PM
    Ok, lets deal with why it isn't easy. What's stopping you?
    Tuscany's Avatar
    Tuscany Posts: 1,049, Reputation: 229
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    #14

    Jan 2, 2007, 12:16 PM
    I will agree with Beneficial it is not always easy. Many times you are so beaten down (physically and mentally) that you do not think clearly... especially if you do not have support from others. However, I know what made me decide to leave my abusive relationship was the fear that I was going to die. My friend on the other hand left when she feared for her children's wellbeing.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #15

    Jan 2, 2007, 12:18 PM
    Talking to somebody in a similar place, or who have experienced some sort of abuse does help. That is why it is important to go to certain groups. Get involved in a shelter. Notify the police. File reports and get restraining orders and so much more.

    Joe
    Allheart's Avatar
    Allheart Posts: 1,639, Reputation: 436
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    #16

    Jan 2, 2007, 01:22 PM
    Hi Beneficial,

    I understood your very first post. And I know you did not mean all men. I knew right away, but this is not to say those that didn't were wrong to take it that way. I just want you to know... I understood.

    I also understand that you don't want to talk about your situtation and just want some of the hurt to lessen by knowing others feel the same hurt.

    This abuse is NOT your fault. NOT. I do hope people come in and share there stories with you to get you started in healing.

    But what you really seek right now, is someone who has been there, and knows your hurt, because when you hurt like that and are so beaten down, you can not even imagaine any soul ever understanding the pain that you feel and are so afraid to express it, because they won't get it and will just add to your hurt. I do understand.

    It would be best to check local support groups that have meetings for those who are abused. This really will be of help to you. You can even check with your local church. It is very important that you share your story with someone, someone you can trust. Hearing others going through what you are going through and knowing they actually understand your hurt, will give you strength.

    Of course, I want you to get and be safe, but you know that.

    You are not alone and I do understand. You have not offended anyone and I more than understand that you do not want pity and how much you don't even want to talk about your own situation. You want to hurting inside to stop and not sure how to do that. You most want to hear that someone gets it. I understand and I get it.

    Please know, it is the safest thing for you to do to get out. There are groups that you can seek help from. Is there a church near by? You do not have to be of the same faith as the church, I know they will help you.

    You are in my prayers and thougths, and trust me, the folks here do get it and do care.

    Allheart
    Ashes92's Avatar
    Ashes92 Posts: 14, Reputation: 3
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    #17

    Feb 17, 2007, 01:57 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by beneficial
    Hi I am 18 and I am being abused. It really hurts inside and out. To all men out there you need to know you are destroying a beautiful person, distorting her reflection, sufficating her joy for life and no matter what you think your wrong.
    Well, Im sorry that you are getting abused.
    Get out of whatever relationship you are in of which you are being abused in.
    You need to leave, and never, NEVER tell yourself that you still love him and that he can change, because he can't [[and he wont]]
    I don't know you, but I know you're too good for him, because everyone is entitled to their rights and their rights to their own personal safety. =]
    You can get better, girl.
    Mobea's Avatar
    Mobea Posts: 220, Reputation: 15
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    #18

    Apr 28, 2007, 01:39 PM
    I am going to repost an answer I wrote to a similar question that was posted somewhere once


    I was in an extremely abusive marriage for 10 years. I spent so much time in the emergency room because of him. I still have physical disabilities 19 years later because of him. I left him 7 times before I finally left for good. It's hard. It's really, really hard at first. I thought I would go crazy! I realize now that it was like being brainwashed into believing that somehow you deserved it or caused it. It's just not true!! I look back on those years and ask myself "What was I thinking!!!" That's not love. I didn't deserve that. I wouldn't put up with that crap now for nobody. My life has turned out so much beautiful than I ever would have thought possible. Everyday is my gift day from God. Please listen to everyone's advice about getting away. It is one of the most dangerous times in a woman's life when she is leaving an abuser. Just leave and don't look back. Don't look back! Stay focused on the road ahead.
    Adding to my original post:
    When I left, I had 50 cents to my name. I stayed with friends that he didn't know and slept on their couch for two weeks. I got a job within walking distance making minimum wage and used my first paycheck to rent a room in a boarding house. I cried a lot. But my need to live was stronger than my need for him. I was in a fog for about six months and then it was like I woke up, and realized that I had survived. It's worth it. You're worth it. I can't tell you how many times to this day, I thank God that I survived and have been blessed with this life. Give yourself a chance and live.

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