Probably all children who have a brother or sister will experience sibling rivalry at one time or another. Sibling rivalry is a natural, normal phenomenon. It can take many different forms and can have any number of different causes. Often, the most upsetting to children, however, is the rivalry that comes with the birth of a sibling.
Most of the time, children feel love and admiration for a new brother or sister. But, children, especially older children, may also feel anger or jealousy at times. These conflicting feelings can be very confusing to older children.
Generally, sibling rivalry is the strongest when children are between one and three years of age at their sibling's birth. One-to-three year-olds are still very dependent on parents to meet their needs. They haven't learned how to share their parents or anything else for that matter. A new baby can be very threatening. After the age of three, children become more independent. They don't depend on their parents as much to get their needs met. For example, three-year-olds may by this age be toilet trained and able to feed themselves. They may have friends outside of the home and, therefore, won't be as possessive of their parents as younger children.
It is generally thought that first-born children have the toughest time adjusting to the birth of a sibling. For all of their lives, they haven't had to share their parents with anyone. It's quite an adjustment to have to learn to share so suddenly.
*For older children, encourage talking about feelings. Parents should encourage their children to discuss their feelings, whether they're good or bad. Parents should gear conversations toward their children's level of understanding. You probably aren't going to get a lot out of a two year especially if they have a very limited vocabulary. So you may have to assume the problem at the moment. For example the younger one takes a toy from the older one: "I know you were playing with that but you cannot hurt (insert name)". Remove the older one from the area of the younger, take the toy in subject and say "you can play with it over here but hurting (insert name) is a wrong choice".
*Parents should provide frequent reassurance and affection to the older sibling. Spend extra alone time with the older sibling and let them know they still have their special place with mom and dad. Lots of hugs and kisses just for them. And "look at what you did! Great job!" on a project you did together, maybe get the older one to be your "special helper" with the younger one. Might make him/her feel more responsible to help with and more loving towards the younger one and not an object of jealousy to be punished.
*Set limits on anger and hostility. Parent should define acceptable and not acceptable behavior. Parents should not leave children alone together unsupervised. If parents observe hostility, they should try not to scold or punish. Instead, they should redirect the behavior. Parents should reassure their older children that they are loved, that it's okay to be angry, but that it's not okay to hurt the baby. Try to get the older one to express their feelings with what words they can. Redirect the sibling to a different activity.
Gently say "we don't hurt (insert name) that is a wrong choice, we need to love (insert name)", "we need to be gentle, that is a right choice" this how we be gentle, then demonstrate by showing soft touches on the younger ones arm. Not "NO STOP THAT, BAD!".
*Be realistic. Parents shouldn't expect their older children to smother their new baby with love and affection. It will take time for older children to warm up to and get used to their new sibling.
*Try to sympathize with older children. Parents should provide their older children with ways to express their negative feelings and thoughts by listening.
*Deal with negative or attention-getting behaviors immediately. They won't go away if parents ignore them.
*Don't force older children to share their possessions. Young children often have difficulty sharing their belongings. Increased rivalry will probably occur if older children who are upset by the arrival of a new sibling are asked to share their belongings with their new sibling. Make sure each has their own space, place for their things, and place they can go to and play alone.
I have six children and have dealt with this at one time or another. Two sets of my kids are only 13 months apart. So I know where you are. Today they are loving toward each other and protective of each other. I do believe in spanking however, I don't believe spanking or punishing is going to be a very productive way to deal with this particular issue. To some degree of you any bunch of 1 and 2 year old in the same space this will happen. So it is normal. Day care centers don't go around spanking for these behaviors. Nor would it be appropriate. So there are other ways to manage this. It is hard for the two year old to even fully realize what they are doing. Chances are they are hitting or whatever out of frustration not with a deliberate intent to simply hurt someone else. Spanking would be a more appropriate consequence when the actions are the latter. But that isn't really the case with children so very young. Time outs are a good idea however, that can really help the child regain control of themselves when they become frustrated and lash out. Not necessarily for the purpose as a punishment but more of a calm down tool. "I love you but you can not hurt (insert name) that was a wrong choice, I want you to go here until you can calm down."
A lot of individual love, time, attention, redirecting the behavior, supporting, listening and helping them express their feelings in some other way should go a long way to help.
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