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jackiesweiss · Mar 13, 2007, 06:28 PM

My husband and I got married 7 months ago, he has a 19 yr. old daughter whom I got along with until we got married, she tried to ruin the wedding and acted really bad at the reception, getting into a big fight with her dad that night and didn't say a word to me the whole night. After we got back from our honeymoon she sent her dad an email saying she wanted nothing to do with him ever again, she also sent me an email calling me a whore. Now she calls and talks to her dad but told him she would never apologize to me and is trying to cause problems between my husband and myself. He calls her behind my back. I don't know what to do.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 13, 2007, 06:49 PM

Forget it, is she causing problems?

It is his daughter he is going to call her.

As long as he does not let it cause a problem

MadamButterfly · Mar 13, 2007, 06:57 PM

I can say that, as a step-daughter, I empathize with her. However, her actions can't really be justified, especially since you and your husband have been married now for seven months. I agree with Fr_Chuck in that you shouldn't let it bother you. Your husband should be allowed to call his daughter, in fact, I would encourage him to maintain that relationship. You may even want to invite her over for Thanksgiving and for the Holidays, even if she doesn't show up, at least your effort shows. That way, your husband won't end up feeling as though he has to "choose" between the two women in his life... because, if it comes to that, he will most certainly choose his daughter; not because he "loves her more", but because she is his daughter.

Also, keep in mind that she is nineteen. Her life is (more likely than not) dramatic, tumultuous, and full of ups and downs and PMS and break-ups. So, don't be too hard on her. She's also probably a little jealous because her father's attention is now focused on you, his wife, while she is a newly released adult, alone in the big wide world. So again, don't take it too hard, but definitely respect your husband's relationship with his daughter.

-m

isabelle · Mar 14, 2007, 05:25 AM

Step children can be a problem. In your case you are dealing with an adult child so that makes it easier for you. As an adult, the step daughter can have a relationship with her father and you do not have to cook or care for her. You do not have to see her. If your husband wanted to invite her over for dinner or something I would say yes but, remember you don't have to "take care" of her. If she "throws a scene " you can leave the table until she has left. Your position is a very good one. You can ignore the step-daughter, unlike a small child where you would have to deal with her every time her visits rolled around.
If I were you I would just sit back, allow my husband to have a relationship with his daughter and you have time on your side. She will, hopefully find a relationship of her own and ,with age, she may want to be friends with you.
Hang in there.. you are going to be OK.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 14, 2007, 05:34 AM

Jealousy causes a lot of damage in the family. It is up to your husband if he is going to allow is grown daughter cause problems between the two of you. There is no need for this behaviour but you can not really nip it in the bud, that is up to your husband. If she can not be happy and she is an adult. If I were him and you I would stop the contact. Distance myself and stay away from her and maybe when she realizes what she has lost she will come around.

Joe

vlee · Mar 14, 2007, 01:23 PM

I don't think it is fair to expect your husband to pretend he no longer has a daughter, but maybe it would be good to get some ground rules made. For example, perhaps you could start by saying that you encourage him to be close to his daughter, and you hope that one day you will have the same chance. Ask him to meet her for lunch or dinner or go to her to visit until she is ready to at least be civil and respectful to you. (After all, she is 19, and you share a house with her father, you shouldn't have to deal with disrespect in your own home.) Tell him that you are open to having her over, so long as she is respectful and polite. Make a deal that if she begins to make snide remarks or is otherwise hurtful to you that her father will ask her to leave. And when she is there, kill her with kindness. Ask questions so she has to engage in conversation with you. Offer suggestions and ideas. Even if she doesn't appreciate it, your husband will. Through time and persistence you may be able to have a relationship with her that you will both enjoy.

s_cianci · Mar 16, 2007, 08:35 AM

Speak with him and make it clear to him that, as his wife, you expect to be #1 in his life whether his daughter likes it or not. Also inform him that you don't want him talking to her behind your back. Be prepared to pack your bags and go if he doesn't comply.